Train - “Drive By”

  We start off with lead singer Pat, sitting in a fancy house with a stunning view, as he and his hair talk to a not-happy woman on the phone. Then again, she sounds vaguely British, and those people are always disapproving of something. Anyway, she signs off, and Pat decides that it’s the perfect time to run to his garage and pull the car cover off a vehicle. (You’d think he had people on his staff who could do that for him.)

  The car turns out to be a ‘67 Firebird convertible (this is the part where vintage car-loving people would have a small orgasm and the clueless rest of us would go “hey, it has four wheels!”), and Pat immediately hops in it and drives away. (What’s up with that really ugly garage in an otherwise stellar house?) He maneuvers the hills of San Francisco and heads out into the countryside.

  Where he manages to find the rest of his band performing near a large tree. Cut to what at first glance appears to be a clan of Amish people standing on a rural lane (watch out for those horse-drawn wagons!), but soon turns out to be some type of wine tour, led by a pretty woman wearing interesting boots and a jacket that seems to be missing some of its structure. Cut back to The Singing Tree, where Pat performs an odd dance step while the rest of the band pretends that they don’t have cameras in their faces.

  Checking in on the wine-tour business, we see that everyone has moved inside to a really long table. Folks seem to be quite pleased about life, which probably has something to do with the 412 nearly-empty wineglasses scattered about. Pat catches the eye of Pretty Lady (let’s call her Tanya) and he holds up his current wine glass in a manner that indicates he sure hopes the tour gets a lot more intimate shortly.

  Then we’re back outside, with Pat and Tanya apparently getting to know one another a little bit. (They shake hands, which might be a wine-people symbol for “I really love your peaches want to shake your tree”, not sure.) Two seconds later we see the two of them flying down the road in Pat’s killer car, with Tanya enjoying the breeze, throwing her head back and guffawing, because pretty people can get away with that without looking awkward.

  Whoops, maybe we weren’t supposed to see that getaway business yet, because now we’re back at the vineyard, where they are having one of those three-legged races. (This is clearly a result of the wine.) Pat and Tanya win, naturally, and then immediately proceed to a grape-stomping competition, where, naturally, both of them manage to fall down and get covered in purple juice. (Watch closely for a brief shot of Lucille Ball in the background.)

  Montage of Pat driving down different unnamed streets, with what appears to be other vintage muscle cars driving behind him. This might lead to something later on, might not, there are clearly no rules when it comes to music videos.

  Back to Pat and Tanya, who have managed to find a quiet spot down in the massive wine cellar. They continue to drink, because everyone knows that budding relationships have to be alcohol-based or they don’t really count. Eventually we see them giggling their way into what we’ll assume is Tanya’s abode, where they proceed to laugh and flirt and test her mattress springs to ensure that they are providing full support.

  Next morning, post-bouncing, we see Pat wake first, and he glances at slumbering Tanya in that “whoopsie” way that men have when it comes time to take responsibility for their actions. He, of course, slips away, leaving Tanya to awake later and discover his absence, which makes her a little blue, because she doesn’t let just anybody use her furniture for entertainment purposes.

  Hours or years later, we see Pat driving his hoopty into some parking lot where there are lots of other classic cars scattered about. (It appears that people who own expensive, collectible automobiles like to gather in random spots and admire each others’ hardware.) We have another montage, this one of folks thrilled to be standing next to throbbing engines and spokes-models wearing short-shorts and fondling bottles of car wax.

  This goes on for much longer than dramatically necessary, so I’m glad when we get to the point where we spy Pat sitting in his car and furtively calling Tanya. (Or at least calling someone with a contact photo that looks exactly like her. She might have a twin. Who knows?) Tanya apparently does not care to take his call, which is no surprise, considering how he got him some yum-yum and then ran out the door.

  Pat looks sad for roughly two seconds, then we see him back on the road, because you always feel better when the wind is blowing through your shellacked hair that doesn’t move a millimeter. Oh, look, he’s driving through the gates of the vineyard, followed by dozens of his buddies from the classic-car hoedown in that parking lot. (I guess they ran out of car wax and people got bored.)

  Tanya, apparently conducting another tour and conveniently standing on a large balcony that allows her to see Pat’s parade, gazes in wonder while the setting sun highlights her dewiness. Pat leads his new friends into a large circle drive, where they proceed to roll along at a half a mile an hour so Pat can sing to the lovely lass up yonder.

  This bit also goes on a bit longer than anyone not in the video would deem necessary, but I guess there were contractual expectations that had to be met. (Or maybe the director wandered off to sample more wine and had to be retrieved.) In any case, about a month later, Pat finally parks his car, his friends park theirs, and everybody gets out so they can wait for a reaction from Sheena Easton on the balcony.

  And, of course, she glowingly reacts with utter joy and happiness that Pat has made his way back into her life, despite his penchant for hit-and-run sex and apparent desire to spend most of his quality time at car shows and not her lovely vineyard in the valley, pun firmly intended. We get a final shot of them once again barreling down a country road in Pat’s speed-racer, wind whipping things about.

  I hope the Amish know they’re coming…


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David Cook - “The Last Goodbye”

  Note: Doing the time-stamp thing on this one, per a request in a comment on the last David Cook post. (Yes, folks, you too can make suggestions for videos. Just give me a singer and a song, and I’ll twist it as much as I can. As long as there’s a video to go with it, that part’s kind of important.) Anyway, here we go…

0:01  Quick shot of David in the backseat of a taxi. He doesn’t look very happy, so he might be heading home from the proctologist.

0:03  Long-shot of the taxi traveling along a coastal highway. There are no other cars around, so there’s probably a sale on Fiesta Ware at Macy’s.

0:09  David does something odd with one of his knees. Is he trying to play the spoons? Without any spoons?

0:11  Quick shot of the taxi driver. He doesn’t have much to say, so he’s probably not any fun at parties.

0:13  David, with his really cool man-necklace and really cool leather jacket, is digging something out of his really cool satchel. None of this coolness distracts from the near perfection of David’s beard. That man can rock the facial hair, sayin.

0:17  David finds a spiral notebook and begins to jot something down, perhaps the lyrics to a new song, or maybe a nice tuna salad recipe. Whatever he’s writing, it’s apparent that he has to pause a few times and beat on the car window to keep himself motivated.

0:29  David taps the taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver turns to see what the hell Song Boy wants, completely taking his eyes off the road while he does so, despite the road being one of those really curvy things with dramatic cliffs where people die in Alfred Hitchcock movies.

0:32  The taxi pulls over to the side of the road, which is a good thing, because Grandpa has already proven that he has focus issues.

0:34  David gets out of the taxi, and we have a moment to reflect that maybe he should have just hitch-hiked out here, because he’s certainly wearing the right outfit for thumb-based travel.

0:36  Quick shot of David’s wallet on the ground, apparently dropped, proving that Grandpa isn’t the only one not paying attention to important things like road safety and financial responsibility. (And of course the wallet is really cool, looking like something David probably got in his gift bag at the last Grammy Awards.)

0:39  David trots down to and across the beach in a long-shot, letting us see that the nearby craggy rocks were probably spray-painted to accent David’s hitchhiker outfit.

0:44  David plucks down in the sand and gets his notebook back out, intent on finishing that recipe. This time, for motivational inspiration, David pauses occasionally to dig in the sand like there’s a prize somewhere. (Or maybe, based on a similar motion that cats make, he just has to go to the bathroom. Perhaps this is a personal moment that we should just politely ignore.)

0:54  Shot of a notebook page, where David (or at least some low-paid production assistant) has scribbled “ The Last Goodbye!” in giant letters. (Just like the name of the song! I would never have guessed that would happen.) In the upper right of the page, David appears to be playing a game of Hangman with himself. Maybe we should send him a brochure with the right rules?

0:58  David throws the notebook down in the sand beside him. Does he hate it now? What has the notebook done?

1:03  David stands up and suddenly flings off his jacket, in a startling move that briefly has me hoping that everything else is coming off, too. (Don’t act like you didn’t hope for the same thing. Just so we can appreciate him more as an artist, of course.)

1:06  Shot of David’s bare feet as he walks toward the water. (We didn’t actually see the shoes come off. Did he leave them back with his wallet? David needs to keep better track of things.)

1:14  Long-shot of David walking along the waters edge, leaving the rest of his crap just lying there in the sand. (Does he think there’s a maid hiding behind one of the driftwood logs?)

1:18  David walks a lot.

1:20  Some woman and her questionable perm wanders up, apparently out walking her dog, despite the fact that she was nowhere in sight during all those long-shots.

1:23  Woman gets nosy about David’s jacket and stuff apparently abandoned in the sand. (Who would do that to quality leather? You’ll never get the stains out. Oh wait. Shouldn’t there be a person in that jacket? Hmmm.) The dog just looks at her and waits for a treat.

1:27  David, still walking.

1:34  Nosy Woman notices the “Last Goodbye” business scrawled on David’s Big Chief Tablet. (Oh no! Has something terrible happened to the slob who can’t hang up his clothes?) The dog is still waiting for that treat, contemplating a new owner or at least some obedience training for Nosy.

1:39  Nosy finally spies David’s footprints in the sand, prints that now appear to lead directly into the water because the tide has theoretically risen, even though David just walked off 90 seconds ago.

1:42  David, still more walking. (Dude, are you trying to make it all the way up the coast to Sarah’s house, so you can see Russia?)

1:46  David suddenly turns, runs into the water, and dives into a wave. I guess he changed his mind about something, not sure. He didn’t leave me a memo.

1:47  Nosy calls Jesus on her wireless phone. Or somebody, couldn’t see the number.

1:51  David is now walking up some stairs in what might be an apartment building or a hotel. I didn’t know they kept those things underwater on the West Coast. Interesting.

2:00  David slips into what is apparently his room at this special motel. He’s got the “Do Not Disturb” thingy on the doorknob, which could indicate a number of things. (Hiding from fans? The feel of sand between his toes made him a little frisky and he needs some alone time? He had high-octane Mexican for lunch?)

2:01  Series of shots with Nosy and police officials back at the beach. One of the guys is cordoning off the scene of the crime with police tape. Nosy should probably stay within that area, because of her hair and all.

2:04  Back in his motel room, David is scribbling again, this time on the back of a pizza box. (What, you couldn’t find any stationery in one of the drawers, next to a bible from those mysterious Gideon people who apparently have keycards to every hotel room on the planet?)

2:07  Close-up of said pizza box, where David has again scribbled “The Last  Goodbye”. Does he not know any other words? And didn’t that get you into trouble the last time you wrote that?

2:08  David decides to start pitching playing cards at an ice bucket. Perhaps this is just what one is supposed to do after swimming in the Pacific and then writing catchphrases on food-transport packaging. More importantly, there is an empty beer bottle in that ice bucket, a revelation that just might explain many parts of this video.

2:11  David picks up a guitar and has an impromptu jam session with himself. Because he can.

2:17  The next morning, David and his guitar prepare for a brand new day, despite the ugly artwork on the walls of the motel room.

2:18  While David sits on the bed and sings, we get a montage of bit-player actors pretending to do investigative activity, like finding David’s designer wallet and standing around on the beach and looking windswept. (The supporting work by that one seagull was especially moving.)

2:27  Shot of some of the folks in David’s band running along in the motel like somebody just got goosed with a cattle prod. They bang on a door, wherein we find other band members, one of whom is also stroking a guitar. (Some men just can’t go five seconds without touching their instrument, fact of nature.)

2:30  The goosed band member waves a newspaper with a headline proclaiming that David Cook may have taken a terminal plunge. (In the accompanying photo, David inexplicably looks like a lawyer. Not sure what’s up with that.)

2:34  David and his instrument continue making music, and the ugly wall décor continues to offend.

2:37  The band members sit around and console one another, saddened by the fact that they probably wouldn’t get as much instant publicity if they had been the ones trying to swim to Hawaii.

2:40  On a random TV set, Lisa Loeb interviews Nosy on the Beach of Death. No sign of the dog.

2:46  David reads the morning paper, completely missing the glaring headline, because the typeface is so small and everything.

2:48  Wow, how many rings is he wearing? Do his arms get tired?

2:51  David scribbles something on the newspaper, but we can’t see what it says, probably because we’re too busy going “hey, he’s left-handed!”. Then he leaves the motel room.

2:55  David saunters up behind all the band members as they stand around on a walkway and stare off at something we can’t see. (The explanation for why the Kardashians continue to remain popular?) David and his guitar are intrigued. “What are you lookin’ at?”

3:01  The band members turn and try to act totally shocked. (Let’s just say we won’t hear their names at the next Academy Awards.)

3:03  One of the band members, obviously an attention hog, tries to steal the scene by fainting.

3:05  Video ends.

3:07  (In my head.) David leans down, scribbles “The Last Goodbye” on the unconscious guy’s arm, yells at an assistant to find him another jacket, grabs his instrument firmly in one hand, and then heads back to the motel room to order more pizza. The dog drops by later for cocktails…


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