Duran Duran - “Hungry Like the Wolf”

  We start off with various people doing boring things in some vague city that is not in the Western Hemisphere. If I paid more attention to the news, I would probably know where this is, but I don’t. This probably makes me a loser in some way. Anyway, the city streets are crowded, there is poverty, and folks have an affinity for sandals.

  Next thing you know, two of the members of Duran Duran (the cute short one and one of the drag queens) suddenly run across a street and are nearly killed by angry people on Mopeds. But they survive, and are joined by the other drag queen one. Are they late for the concert? What’s going on? Can they people possibly look more flamboyant and out of place?

  Cut to a café of some kind, where a small person with interesting headwear is sitting on one of the tables and trying to coax a snake out of basket. I hope the waiter doesn’t sit us in that section. Oh, look, there’s Simon LeBon at one of the tables, looking about 12 years old, drinking a beer, singing, and staring at a rude man who is doing something with a monkey.

  Simon takes off his glasses, which is a cue for the camera man to zoom in on an asexual necklace that Simon is wearing. Then Simon flips his table over, so I guess the service is really bad here, which is not surprising, considering the presence of livestock and all. Simon then dashes to a nearby farmer’s market, perhaps intent on making his own food, or maybe he just likes to fondle local produce.

  Quick shot showing that other band members have commandeered a jeep, which means there is probably an unhappy native sitting by the side of the road somewhere, cursing British pop stars in a language that we don’t understand. Simon is still at the market, and I think he’s drunk. More band members running through the crowded streets, one of them wearing an offensive headband. Brief glimpse of woman with lipstick who is apparently very tired and falls to the ground.

  Meaningless shot of a bushel of corn.

  Simon encounters some oxen or some such pulling a wagon. He stares at them quizzically, not sure if he’s found the rest of his band or should keep looking. He decides it’s not them, so he and his fedora run somewhere else. (Another brief glimpse of lipstick woman, now in a jungle and sporting face paint. I guess she’s done with her nap.) Then we have a transition shot, with special effects that make it very clear this video is nearly 30 years old.

  Now we have Simon straddling a canoe on a river, trying to be cool and squat like the natives but really looking like he’s got a body part caught in something. He’s making some other guy do all the paddling, which isn’t really fair, but maybe Simon has a clause about manual labor in his contract. We spy another face-painted person peering out of the jungle, but we don’t know them so we don’t care.

  Back in the city, two of the band members accost a small boy and torment him with a photo of Simon LeBon. The boy shakes his head in terror, not being fond of white people with odd names, even if they can sing.

  Another crappy transition scene.

  Now Simon is crossing a rope bridge that’s practically falling apart, so you fully expect him to fall through and he does. This triggers another small boy to roll a big tire in front of a gas station, avoiding unexplained campfires in the roadway. The we have shots of a non-drag queen band member, girls walking in short skirts, and Rush Limbaugh. Oh wait, that was just an elephant at the end there.

  The camera pans to the right of the elephant, and there’s Simon, standing in the middle of the river and bellowing the song. He tries to do a shimmy thing, which is totally inappropriate, then he makes a seductive face, turns toward the elephant, and then heads that way. What the hell?

  Quick shot of offensive-headband guy, who has apparently totally enraptured some woman just by pretending that he’s in a Karate Kid movie. They immediately clutch each other in a sensual embrace while mystified street people look on.

  Back to Simon, wading in that damn river. (I guess things didn’t work out with the elephant.) Short scene with the lipstick jungle woman grabbing the cute band member, and then kissing him, which causes her to briefly transition into a lion. Why all these images of horniness and animals? Is it the heat, or have I just not been reading the right magazine articles?

  Simon’s still in the river. He frightens some boy on the shore, who then runs in terror while dead trees sway in the background. Oh wait, he’s running TO Simon, who has been magically transported to a convenient pile of rocks. Simon is very thirsty, despite having been swimming in water for the whole video, and the little urchin soothes Simon’s parched throat by squeezing liquid out of a dirty rag. We don’t know where that rag has been, and Simon could possibly die, but at least he’s not in the river any more.

  Oh wait, I lied. He’s back in the water, doing a slo-mo Swimsuit Model maneuver, rising out of the river all drippy and such. This causes the nearby lipstick jungle woman to arch her back seductively and then start running through the trees. It’s not clear if she’s on the hunt or just remembered she has an appointment with her therapist.

  Culture Club makes a brief cameo.

  Then we’re back in the jungle, where Simon has also been to one of those street fairs where they do face-painting. He and lipstick woman appear to be stalking each other, now that they have artwork in common. They finally meet up and howl at each other, which qualifies as a first date in some countries, then lipstick woman gets all moody and claws Simon on the neck, thus living out the fantasy of every teenage girl in 1984.

  Then Simon and Lipstick start making angry, beasty love on the jungle floor. Clothes are torn, leaves are trampled, and we have an unwelcome close-up of Lipstick’s derriere as she crouches in animal lust. While they bang a gong, we have explanatory shots of all the band members finally getting together at that nasty café with snakes and bad service.

  As the song and the mating winds down, the band members all gather around Simon as he apparently relates his adventures of the aggressive woman who did more than just throw her panties on stage. They all nod knowingly, being pop stars and used to having jungle sex every time they turn around. Meanwhile, the obviously poorly-paid extras in the background stare directly at the cameras and don’t even pretend to be eating, adding even further polish to this fine piece of cinema…

  Fade out.



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B.o.B., Hayley Williams - “Airplanes”

And we have yet another entry in the “we don’t know what we’re going, so let’s just turn on a camera and let people improvise” category. Not that I’m judging in any way. I’d never heard of either of these people before this song suddenly shot to the top of the charts. I’m sure they’re very nice people. Or at least people that happened to be in the right place at the right time. Like Paris Hilton or Sarah Palin…

  Anyway, we start out with someone, and I’m assuming that this is B.o.B., though I really don’t know, doing something on a darkened soundstage. I think he might be pretending to play the piano, to match what we’re hearing on the audio track, but it’s not clear. He might be signaling for his agent to come get him out of this mess. Or maybe he just can’t see very well and is fumbling his way toward The Light. Is B.o.B. a gospel singer? That worked out pretty well for Jennifer Hudson, so maybe there’s hope.

  Then we have a profile shot of a tightly-coiffed woman. She starts singing, which causes the camera to pull back and we see a full-body shot of Hayley (maybe) in some type of yoga position (Forward-Facing Princess Leia?). It’s still very dark, though, and really, this could mean anything.

  Cut to B.o.B. looking all street, with his butt stuck in some wall recess, then back to Hayley doing some calisthenics. Oh look, B.o.B. knows how to clap. More Yoga featuring Hayley.

  Now the music gets more energetic and intrusive, because rappers can’t do their thang when just a stupid piano is playing. B.o.B. is in front of the camera, being very insistent, also a trademark of young rappers on a mission. While he bounces around on the stage, waving his arms like he’s a referee of some kind, we get shots of what appears to be a party where people are sad and stare at the ground.

  Then we have some groupie taking pictures with a fancy camera that instantly prints out the pictures she’s taking. She’s kind of lazy, though, because she just throws the pictures on the ground and that’s just wasteful. More shots of B.o.B. on a soundstage, where they try to do things with the lighting to make us think he’s in a bunch of different places, but really, it’s the same damn stage.

  This goes on for a while, and they let him change his clothes a lot, which is minimally interesting, but seriously, who wrote this script? Oh, and they make sure to show him wearing a cross on a gold chain, because all rappers just want to please Jesus. Well, at least for the three minutes when they are accepting a Grammy for their hit single “I Didn’t Do Nothin’ to That Ho”.

  More evidence of the discarded groupie photos on the floor. Oh look, people are moving around in the photos. That’s normal, right? Drugs were not involved in the making of this video. To confirm the non-drugginess, we have shots of pale and tragic women bathed in weird henna-tattoo lighting. Why are the females not allowed to be pretty in this video, forced to hide in the shadows and do workout routines?

  Now we’re at a supposed concert, where hard-working people have paid money to watch B.o.B. do nothing that we haven’t seen before. But at least he has a cute hat, which causes the women in the audience to want to bear his children. Before you know it, though, we have B.o.B. all alone on that stage with all the different lights. Could he not keep the audience’s attention for longer than thirty seconds? Just asking.

  A few more shots of B.o.B. with his hiney still stuck in the wall recess. Just what the hell is going ON in that alcove?

  Hayley is finally back in the picture, still doing yoga, but now her arms are whirling around like she’s trying to achieve liftoff. This doesn’t happen, so we get shots of alternate galaxies where Hayley would have flown with the proper wind thrust. Quick shot of B.o.B. with giant words on the wall behind him. (Maybe he has vision problems and can’t read normal-size cue cards.) Then Hayley is attacked by a giant day-glo lava monster. Poor thing.

  More shots of henna-tattoo people, galaxies, and Princess Leia in peril from a “Star Wars” movie that was never released. And some more yoga, so at least Hayley is sticking to her workout goals despite the life-threatening aliens. Good for her.

  Then we have B.o.B. with his hoodie over his head, which I believe is the universal symbol for “I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do right now, so I’m going to act all ghetto and shifty.” Then B.o.B. decides that he‘d rather be doing something else, picking up his gym bag and exiting the stage. It’s nice to see that the kids these days seem interested in getting enough exercise. And singing about it.

  The last part of the video is actually just a promo for B.o.B.’s album, coming soon to a Target near you where thousands of hormonal teenagers will converge and elevate B.o.B. to god-like status based on one single where the featured artist sings better than he does. No mention of Hayley’s album. Perhaps she’s still battling the Slime Monster and hasn’t had time to set a release date yet…



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Katy Perry, Snoop Dogg - “California Gurls”

We start out with a giant board game box flying at us while fluffy pink clouds float by, so we already know there’s going to be violence and femininity in this video. The game is called “Candyfornia”, which sounds vaguely obscene, but at least the people pictured on the box seem happy and there are lots of pretty colors.

The game box opens and we have Snoop Dogg, apparently fresh from an explosion at the local candy factory, sitting at a table piled with sweets and treats. I immediately think “drugs are involved in some way”, but perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. After all, Snoop is being very polite, welcoming us and inviting us to go on a journey. Then Katy Perry shows up and I’m scared all over again.

She’s wandering around Candyfornia, wearing something that either is, or fell out of, a pinata. She’s very excited about her outfit, and breaks into song while she gazes in wonder at the money somebody spent on this set. She then samples an ice cream cone that appears out of nowhere, which causes her to see gummy bears frolicking on the sugar path beside her. She waves at them pleasantly, but the gummy bears don’t like her singing or something and one of them flips her off. Guess he came from a bad batch at the factory before it exploded.

Shot of Snoop Dogg rolling some dice. I’m sure he’s never done that before and somebody had to show him how.

Then RuPaul floats up in a giant bubble, looking a bit frantic and needing assistance. (Perhaps she’s late for her Drag Race.) Katy is very sweet, and pops RuPaul’s bubble with a shiny high-heeled shoe. RuPaul is very appreciative, and they briefly celebrate their womanhood by squealing and flapping their hands.

Katy performs some hand movements that seem to indicate she is blessing something we can’t see, then she suddenly acts like she’s taking the Girl Scout pledge. (Meanwhile, Snoop is still rolling dice, no one having told him that you can’t just keep trying until you get the numbers you want.) Katy then wanders into a candy cane forest, where the canes suddenly turn into serpents.

As most people would do in this dangerous situation, Katy races to shimmy up the one candy cane that did not transition (no explanation is given). Based on the way Katy caresses what she’s straddling, the candy cane is making her feel all tingly, possibly in need of some confectionary attention in the near future.

Oh look, now Katy’s sprawled on top of one of the pink clouds, and she seems to have lost all her clothes during the climb. Maybe it’s really hot up there, closer to the sun and all. Then we have several quick shots of Katy singing flirtatiously, as well as glancing over her shoulder to gaze affectionately at her bum and then winking at us. It must be her favorite body part.

Then Katy is struggling across a giant licorice bridge. She doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job crossing it, so we cut back to her nakedness on a cloud because she doesn’t have to balance when she’s just laying there. (Quick shot of Snoop Dogg proving that he knows the words to the chorus.)

Katy stumbles across another drag queen, this one trapped in a giant cube of Jello, because that happens all the time when you have too many shots at the bar. Friendly Katy lets her out as well, causing the drag queen to do some dance moves to express her happiness. To celebrate the freedom of another supermodel, a car horn honks on the soundtrack.

Katy and her two girlfriends are suddenly wearing Brownie outfits and high heels, which inspires them to run find a gingerbread man and put a candy heart on him. Then they decide to start eating on him, because colorful couture can make you very hungry. We end the scene with bits and pieces of the gingerbread man trampled on the sidewalk, a warning sign to anyone who gets eaten by Katy and some dancing drag queens.

Brief shots of energetic people jumping on floating marshmallows, then Katy finds another supermodel trapped inside a plastic bag. (Did the poor girl not read the warning label? This is NOT a toy!) Katy lets her out as well, and there’s another dance of appreciation, and a few shots of Snoop Dogg waiting for his turn to sing.

Now we’re on the beach, and I guess Katy emancipated lots more people while we were looking at Snoop, because there’s a bunch of folks doing a big line dance in the sand. (And Katy has different-colored hair, so I believe we’re now in the second act of this play.) They prance around a bit, making sure we can see that they all have matching desserts attached to their breasts. I suppose this is important. We’ll see.

And now it’s time for Snoop to do his thing, in another one of those rap breaks jarringly inserted into the middle of an otherwise unrelated song. (Why do they do this? Seriously.) Jump shots of people dancing, popsicles melting, Katy humping the cloud, and full-frontal shots of the horrifying candy suit that Snoop is wearing. Katy bites her cotton candy in fear.

He raps for longer than I would have budgeted if it had been up to me, but he finally stops, and now he is standing behind an army of little gummy bears. He seems to be their leader of some kind. (And I suddenly need to re-think Snoop’s entire career. This imagery explains a lot.) Snoop and the Gummy Doggs march toward Katy and Candy Dancers. There’s gonna be a throw-down, y’all.

Oh wait, first the girls need to finish their dance routine. I guess Snoop got there a little early. The pastry-adorned breasts bounce around for a bit, then we get to the rumble.

In order to make sure she’s battle ready, Katy slips into something that you would find at Victoria’s Secret Cheerleading Hooker Camp. It makes her walk funny and have Betty Page hair. Just in case we aren’t taking her seriously, Katy signals for her dancing tramps to hand her some firepower.

And this weapon, ladies and gentleman, is a bit startling.

Katy straps two cans of whip cream to breasts (why are all those women so invested with accessories in odd places?) and starts firing away at Snoop and his posse.

We get lots of shots of Katy and her deadly cleavage, showing that she has really practiced for this moment in her life. Lots of shots. There’s even a quick snippet of Snoop, with an expression indicating “man, I was really looking forward to this, but now I’m a little concerned.”

Katy wipes out all the gummy bears, and we have a long shot of the carnage on the field, like that famous scene in “Gone with the Wind”. Only we have dead corn-syrup beings instead of Confederate soldiers. And nobody’s named Mammy.

We wrap things up back at the beach, where Snoop is buried in the sand up to his neck, while Katy and three of the Hot Mess dancers are lying on their bellies, doing a routine with their feet. Amid final quick shots of Katy being explicit with sugar-based products, in case we missed any cute outfits, Snoop is mumbling something about wishing we all could be California girls.

I think I’ll pass. Maybe next time? Call me.


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