David Cook - “Fade Into Me”

  Note: This one is mostly concert footage mixed with David walking around some apparently deserted city (these things can be arranged when you have money) so we’ll have to do the timestamp thing…

0:02  Series of shots concerning lonely roads, farmland, livestock and what might have been a quick glimpse of a violated scarecrow. Or it might have been my third-grade teacher, she had that same look.

0:08 Random red tractor which is probably not the important part of the video.

0:14  David walking along a riverbank and rockin’ that neo-grunge look he’s perfected. In the distance is some type of fortress where they lock up people who misbehave at concerts. You have been warned.

0:23  Blurry images of people waiting to get into one of those concerts. Or maybe there was a really good sale on toaster ovens, not clear.

0:32  Somebody working at a giant control panel, which probably determines the best times for Kim Kardashian to pull off another pointless publicity stunt.

0:36  David and friend rush out the back door of some place they probably shouldn’t have been. I’m guessing adult video store.

0:41  Odd train going backwards.

0:45  David and band hold small church revival. Cable TV must have been on the fritz.

0:53  Blurry images of enraptured concert audience begging David to sweat in their direction.

1:06  Is that a UFO landing near the drummer?

1:10  Arty black-and-white shot of David channeling Roy Orbison.

1:14  Shadow footage of giant dog being swallowed by a brick building. (Seriously, play it again, what else could that be?)

1:18  Shot of David’s boot, which qualifies it for membership in the Screen Actor’s Guild.

1:24  David stupidly walks on train tracks, because nothing bad ever happens when you do that, right? (I guess he hasn’t seen the opening scenes of Fried Green Tomatoes, eh?)

1:31  David is forced to sit on fire escape because the hotel management frowns upon singing in the rooms.

1:36  Encore performance by Roy Orbison.

1:43  More walking on the train tracks. Dude, seriously, get your ass out of there. You only think you can outrun those things.

1:54  David makes possible obscene gesture using guitar. Horniness of audience, already at fever pitch, goes to 11.

2:05  David inexplicably refuses to use flight of stone steps and instead opts for balancing on the crumbling concrete railing. Alcohol most likely involved.

2:11  Bus arrives with another shipment of screaming fans, because original fans have to stop screaming after eight hours due to union rules.

2:18  What the hell is that expression for? Is David giving birth? To a Toyota?

2:28  Must be a long labor, poor guy.

2:43  Giant sign on stage lets us know that this is a David Cook concert, in case you wandered in here mistakenly, looking for the tri-county tractor pull.

2:55  David misunderstands the basics of patty cake, missing both the rhythm and a partner.

3:06  David surveys bridge that he might buy, just because he can. Decides to pass when the color doesn’t match his sunshades.

3:14  David poses somewhere with people that I don’t know. One of them is wearing a Cheap Trick t-shirt, so there might have been a misunderstanding at some point. Old-school Kenny Loggins makes an appearance on far right.

3:22  Banished David on fire escape finishes song, wonders if he’s allowed to go back into the hotel yet.

3:27  Childbirth David seems to have recovered quite well, already back down to pre-pregnancy weight.

3:32  Roy Orbison David turns out to not look like Roy at all in close-up. My bad.

3:34  Things wind down with a visual tribute to R.E.M. and Talking Heads videos. Editor gets inside-joke high-five, even if he didn’t realize he was doing that.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Maroon 5 - “Sunday Morning”

  We start out with a mystifying close-up of glossy lips, then things shuffle around a bit until we realize that we are in a Japanese karaoke bar, with folks singing along to a previous Maroon 5 hit (imagine that). The people singing, although stylish and well-dressed, are not really all that good, so thankfully somebody puts a quarter in a jukebox, we get more odd images of light bulbs and random fruit, and then a still shot of a very sad little girl.

  Just as I’m wondering who in the hell she is, a title credit pops up under her with “Sunday Morning”. Well, no wonder she’s sad. Poor thing has been named after a Maroon 5 song, and no one will play with her.

  Another stream of scattered images (somebody in the editing room needs to stop drinking so much coffee), a brief shot of a different karaoke bar, and then we plunk down in Abbey Road studios, “3 months earlier”. This means nothing, but at least Adam is there, looking dapper in a prep-school outfit so we have something to look at until someone shows up with an explanation.

  He warbles for a bit, and the camera pans around and lets us review the other band members. (Hey wait, that one dude looks like he could be the dad of the sad little girl. Same hair, anyway. And he looks like the type of person that would name a child incorrectly.) Adam really seems to be enjoying himself, although it’s a little strange to see him just standing there instead of bouncing around the stage like he usually does. Maybe that sweater he’s wearing is really, really heavy.)

  Off we go with another stream of whatever images (stereo knobs, flowers, those starting-to-get-creepy glossy lips), then we land in a karaoke bar again. It’s a really fancy one, with people in evening wear and such, singing along with Adam. (Wow, look at the size of the mouth on that one girl. She’s got to be in a record book somewhere.) Sad little girl is back on the video monitor, singing as well, so she must be feeling a little better. Maybe she heard that SpongeBob got picked up for another season.

  Back to the band in the studio, with them focused on jamming and not on getting their hair cut. The camera comes at Adam from several different views, confirming that the little bastard looks good from any angle, damn him. Then we zip over to the karaoke bar again, where practically everyone has a microphone, and they all seem to be having a tremendous amount of fun, especially when there’s a mirror nearby where they can admire themselves.

  Studio once more, as the band rolls into the really jazzy part of the song, inspiring Adam to finally do some of his trademark stage moves, with him bouncing around like somebody left his underwear in the dryer too long. We stay with this scene for a while, with only a few interruptions from those streaming snippets of body parts and granola bars, as Adam gets down with his bad self.

  Back to the karaoke bar, where now we have everybody in the entire place belting the song, a sure sign that everybody has satisfied their drink-minimum requirement up in this grill. They’re all swaying to the song and hanging on to each other, which means this is the opportune time to get out of here because the parking lot will soon be crammed with drunken fools trying to figure out where their cars might be.

  And that’s pretty much it for the rest of the video. Adam really gets into the lyrics (especially that extended bit where he gets to holla “oh, YEAH, yeah!” about 75 times), the band members do band things, and the karaoke crowd has turned into one big family where everybody loves everybody else with that tequila-fueled kind of affection, a deep and lasting bond that disintegrates the next morning when you wake up with a swollen tongue and strange phone numbers crammed in your pocket.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Rihanna, Calvin Harris - “We Found Love”

  Wow, this one’s a wee bit depressing.

  But anyway, we start out with Rihanna doing a voice-over while we see images of her, random buildings, and she and Calvin sitting in a bathtub, drinking beer and hating each other. She’s rambling on about how sometimes it takes a while to figure out that a relationship might not be healthy, but I’m thinking “honey, if your man makes you let your hair get that trashy, it can’t be good”.

  We get more shots of Rihanna and Calvin in a self-destructive spiral of drugs and hot-but-meaningless sex in random locations, so we know where this is going, we just have a song to get through before we reach that point. Of course, none of this stops Rihanna from wearing skimpy outfits and parading around in a manner that highlights her booty.

  The actual song starts with an exciting lightening storm and Rihanna holed up in some place where the decorating theme involves Christmas lights and the inability to wear pants or a bra. She’s a little blue, and she wants to sing about how she got that way. But before we can provide any comfort, the rest of the video is off and running.

  First we have some mess with Rihanna and Calvin riding on a bicycle and waving about a road flare, more mess with Rihanna running through a wheat-field without her top, and she and Calvin having sex in any location where they can get some traction. She might be troubled about the worthiness of the relationship, but she horny. They drink beer, light fireworks, ride skateboards, and fornicate. Everywhere.

  Next up we have Rihanna and Calvin in a fast-food restaurant, where they find it necessary to take drugs and dance on the tables, much to the chagrin of people who actually have to eat there without the promise of energetic and inappropriate sex. This transitions into a rave scene where the duo apparently can’t shove pills down their throats fast enough. This might explain why some folks question the bottom-line value of a rave. Just sayin.

  Quick re-visit of that place where Rihanna is bellowing the song while Christmas lights blink in non-judgment, then we cut to Rihanna and Calvin basically stealing everything they can from a local convenience store, including a shopping cart which Calvin then uses to transport his jacked-up partner through the streets of the city. They apparently and eventually make their way to a casino that doesn’t mind if the patrons physically violate slot machines when they don’t win.

  Cut to a montage of Rihanna and Calvin not understanding social etiquette, Rihanna and Calvin unable to properly drive a car, and Rihanna and Calvin having huge arguments that result in Rihanna storming away from the improperly-driven car whilst wearing an outfit that no one in their right mind would purchase. (Did somebody design that after watching old reruns of The Mickey Mouse Club? And not the one with Christina, Justin and Britney?)

  But no worries, the bickering duo are soon reunited over a six-pack joint that they happily share, leading to shot-gunning and more bouts of animal sex. Sadly, Rihanna eventually gets to the point where she has a wee bit of a drug reaction outside a sleazy bar, and the authorities have to step in and explain that drug ingestion is not a part of the Food Pyramid.

  Unfortunately, Rihanna doesn’t pay any attention, so we’re back to the cycle of co-dependent pharmaceutical abuse that really doesn’t look good on a resume. But Rihanna must have taken some notes somewhere along the line, because she finally gets fed up, throws up in a really graphic manner that would make George Lucas proud, and stomps into the Christmas-light trashy apartment to pack her things for good. But not before she has a final scene in the apartment where she throws her legs wide open for the world to see, so somebody might need some additional therapy.

  But leave she finally does, and all self-power to her. Which leads to just one question. What the hell does Calvin Harris have to do with this song? It was all your singing, girl. Did I miss a memo?


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.