Jessie J - “Domino”

  Note: This video is just Jessie on a single stage, singing and wearing a ton of different outfits, with the images delivered in a rapid-fire style that is truly remarkable from an editing standpoint, but a nightmare when it comes to telling a story. So we’ll just do the time-stamp thing with this one. (Time-stamps are approximate. That editor was firing off shots at about three per second…)

0:02  Jessie appears from behind Don King’s hair.

0:11  Jessie may have had vampire bats somewhere in her ancestry.

0:17  What is that puffy thing in her crotch?

0:20  Subtle orgasm #1.

0:25  Did Laura Ashley’s Goth sister just explode in here?

0:31  Cleopatra, before that stupid snake ruined everything.

0:42  Tribute to Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.

0:47  Perhaps she shouldn’t scrunch up her face like that.

0:53  Jessie as Butterfly Girl, the tragic 18th century courtesan who drank way too much absinthe.

1:05  Jessie really insists that you not come any closer.

1:07  Jessie shouldn’t stand like this if she wants people to take her seriously. (But I’m sure the Oompa Loompas love it.)

1:11 The evil side of Jessie laughs as a laser beam destroys the left half of the audience.

1:16  Subtle orgasm #2.

1:22  When did Kelly  Clarkson get here?

1:27  I guess somebody hung on to that Bedazzler contraption from back in the day.

1:31  Jessie is attacked by an angry alphabet.

1:42  And now we have Courtney Love dropping by. Did somebody leave a door open somewhere?

1:46  Ma-DON-na. Tick tock tick tock.

1:53  Jessie helps a very small plane land.

2:01  Great. Now we have three of them.

2:06  Jessie is trying out for the new Cirque du Soleil production of Madame Butterfly.

2:10  I’m trying, but I just can’t think of anything to say about the pink pajamas. Words fail.

2:17  And now we have Sally from Third Rock. Somebody needs to close that door, stat.

2:22  Did you need some Gas-X, honey? Hang on.

2:29  Wig a little itchy, girl?

2:33  Yep, I’m counting down Rick Santorum’s time in the spotlight as well.

2:47  I don’t think your arms are supposed to do that. Right?

2:50  Did your pantyhose just flat-line?

3:00  Ally Sheedy in a really bad mood.

3:04  And subtle orgasm #3.

3:10  If you spin her, I hope she lands on black.

3:13  Lily Tomlin, as a child.

3:21  I don’t care how much of a tantrum you throw, I’m not buying you the Barbie Malibu camper.

3:32  I don’t think I’d use that one as your profile pic.

3:35  And the last of our guest stars, Ashley Olsen.

3:45  What do you mean I have to quit singing now?

3:49  The power of Jessie’s booty completely destroys the soundstage.

End trans.


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T-Pain, Lily Allen, Wiz Khalifa - “5 O’Clock”

  Note: This is another video where there’s really not a whole lot happening, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing and search for little nuggets of insight as we bop along…

0:05  T-Pain is startled to find something in his pocket that is moving.

0:07  T-Pain does some product placement for a nifty wireless phone that you can see through. That sound you just heard is 400 million people on the planet racing to get their own version of this phone so they can be street and all.

0:14  Lily Allen makes her first appearance, in an odd shot that makes her look like a really tired babysitter or a heroin addict. I guess she’s all about being stark and pale.

0:17  T-Pain exits some place that, judging by the door he’s closing behind him, appears to be a monastery. I’m thinking someone might have misunderstood something in the script.

0:23  Lots of people are walking down a small street that looks suspiciously like that place in Spain where people get wired up by smashing tomatoes and then letting bulls run free and kill slow people.

0:27  Now that same street is empty, with just T-Pain moseying along in a designer raincoat. This is what happens when you are a famous recording star, people are forced to find a different way home when you decide to go for a walk.

0:35  T-Pain, still walking, and hopefully heading to wherever Lily Allen is babysitting, because she really didn’t look too happy about doing that.

0:43  T-Pain suddenly looks behind him and glares at someone who hasn’t bought one of his CD’s.

0:51  Now T-Pain is riding in a bicycle-driven carriage of some kind. I have no idea what this means, but there are little bits of yellow warning tape stuck all over the black bars of the carriage. (Is this a tribute to Wiz Khalifa or is this a really dangerous carriage that T-Pain should avoid?)

0:54  Another fuzzy shot of Lily’s chin.

1:00  A shot of the pedaling feet of the driver of the carriage. His shoes don’t look very happy, either. Why are people so depressed and unfocused in this video?

1:06  T-Pain stares at what might be a church in the distance. Is he not allowed to go in there? Is he a vampire? And if so, what team is he on? So many questions…

1:11  Lily looking sad in a chair. Girl really needs to get some new moves.

1:17  Another Lily chin shot. Ditto.

1:32  Lily leans against a wall and texts someone, because walking AND texting is far too complicated for anybody to have to put up with in modern society. The poor thing.

1:39  T-Pain is still in that carriage business. You know the bicycle guy is really regretting not finishing high school.

1:45  T-Pain is now walking past an apparent whorehouse, with scantily-clad nymphets posing in windows. Despite him trying to appear all faithful with the lyrics of the song, I’m thinking the dude really needs to explain why he has to walk past places where sluts are pressed against glass.

1:53  Wait, why is T-Pain back in the carriage. Was the editor drunk?

2:07  I don’t know where T-Pain is supposed to be standing in this shot, but there appears to be a side of beef dangling on the right side of the screen. Does he own cattle?

2:11  Lily fiddles with a big bowl of something that she really doesn’t want to eat.

2:21  T-Pain is singing to the side of beef. I guess this is something you really only understand if you can afford designer raincoats.

2:30  Some more product placement, this time involving a bottle of something called “Nuvo”. Did En Vogue get back together and release a line of perfume?

2:38  Shot of the back of Wiz Khalifa as he walks down a street. That dude is tall and looks like he hasn’t eaten since 1987.

2:45  T-Pain is back at that naughty-lady house. He really needs to get out of there if he ever expects Lily and her chin to respect him again.

2:55  Lily looking sad on a couch. Girl really needs to speak to somebody about adjusting her medication.

3:04  More of T-Pain in the carriage, more drunk editing.

3:12  Wait, is that the Uni-Bomber walking down the street? Did he get out early?

3:20  T-Pain and Wiz cross paths outside the bordello. Am I missing something about this part of town? Why is everybody there?

3:34  Wiz starts rapping his part of the song, which has something to do with… I’m not sure. Something about nudity and apparent truckloads of women that can’t wait have sex with him.

3:44  Wiz poses outside that cathouse, with the window-girls gyrating like they want nothing more than to break out of their little prisons and offer up their treasures.

3:52  Just me, or does Wiz look like Spike Lee, only taller? Wait, where has Spike been lately? Interesting…

3:56  Lily’s chin, because we haven’t seen it in a while and it’s a little lonely.

4:06  T-Pain in that damn carriage again. Why does he keep getting back in that thing when he knows Lily is expecting him in her House of Disappointment and Loss?

4:16  Wiz is rapping again, this time about not understanding why women don’t want sex every waking moment.

4:20  Shot of T-Pain racing down a sidewalk. (Now he’s in a hurry? Lily has been pining for him since the Mayflower hit that stupid rock…)

4:26  T-Pain lets himself into Lily’s sad penthouse, looking all furtive and stuff, taking off his designer raincoat so we can see that he’s wearing a sweater that just might represent the flag of one of those new countries that were created when the Soviet Union broke up.

4:35  T-Pain wanders into part of Lily’s penthouse that just screams “I must make more money than God if I can afford this place”.

4:37  T-Pain pauses to slap his translucent phone into a docking station, reminding us that we need to run out and get one or our lives will be meaningless.

4:45  T-Pain joins sad Lily on her sad bed, with the docking station showing that it’s only “5:01AM”, implying that he’s only a minute late. Really? Here’s the deal, if anybody shows up in my grill anywhere near five o’clock in the morning, there’s going to be harsh words and somebody getting beaten with an alarm clock. But that’s just me….


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Train - “Drive By”

  We start off with lead singer Pat, sitting in a fancy house with a stunning view, as he and his hair talk to a not-happy woman on the phone. Then again, she sounds vaguely British, and those people are always disapproving of something. Anyway, she signs off, and Pat decides that it’s the perfect time to run to his garage and pull the car cover off a vehicle. (You’d think he had people on his staff who could do that for him.)

  The car turns out to be a ‘67 Firebird convertible (this is the part where vintage car-loving people would have a small orgasm and the clueless rest of us would go “hey, it has four wheels!”), and Pat immediately hops in it and drives away. (What’s up with that really ugly garage in an otherwise stellar house?) He maneuvers the hills of San Francisco and heads out into the countryside.

  Where he manages to find the rest of his band performing near a large tree. Cut to what at first glance appears to be a clan of Amish people standing on a rural lane (watch out for those horse-drawn wagons!), but soon turns out to be some type of wine tour, led by a pretty woman wearing interesting boots and a jacket that seems to be missing some of its structure. Cut back to The Singing Tree, where Pat performs an odd dance step while the rest of the band pretends that they don’t have cameras in their faces.

  Checking in on the wine-tour business, we see that everyone has moved inside to a really long table. Folks seem to be quite pleased about life, which probably has something to do with the 412 nearly-empty wineglasses scattered about. Pat catches the eye of Pretty Lady (let’s call her Tanya) and he holds up his current wine glass in a manner that indicates he sure hopes the tour gets a lot more intimate shortly.

  Then we’re back outside, with Pat and Tanya apparently getting to know one another a little bit. (They shake hands, which might be a wine-people symbol for “I really love your peaches want to shake your tree”, not sure.) Two seconds later we see the two of them flying down the road in Pat’s killer car, with Tanya enjoying the breeze, throwing her head back and guffawing, because pretty people can get away with that without looking awkward.

  Whoops, maybe we weren’t supposed to see that getaway business yet, because now we’re back at the vineyard, where they are having one of those three-legged races. (This is clearly a result of the wine.) Pat and Tanya win, naturally, and then immediately proceed to a grape-stomping competition, where, naturally, both of them manage to fall down and get covered in purple juice. (Watch closely for a brief shot of Lucille Ball in the background.)

  Montage of Pat driving down different unnamed streets, with what appears to be other vintage muscle cars driving behind him. This might lead to something later on, might not, there are clearly no rules when it comes to music videos.

  Back to Pat and Tanya, who have managed to find a quiet spot down in the massive wine cellar. They continue to drink, because everyone knows that budding relationships have to be alcohol-based or they don’t really count. Eventually we see them giggling their way into what we’ll assume is Tanya’s abode, where they proceed to laugh and flirt and test her mattress springs to ensure that they are providing full support.

  Next morning, post-bouncing, we see Pat wake first, and he glances at slumbering Tanya in that “whoopsie” way that men have when it comes time to take responsibility for their actions. He, of course, slips away, leaving Tanya to awake later and discover his absence, which makes her a little blue, because she doesn’t let just anybody use her furniture for entertainment purposes.

  Hours or years later, we see Pat driving his hoopty into some parking lot where there are lots of other classic cars scattered about. (It appears that people who own expensive, collectible automobiles like to gather in random spots and admire each others’ hardware.) We have another montage, this one of folks thrilled to be standing next to throbbing engines and spokes-models wearing short-shorts and fondling bottles of car wax.

  This goes on for much longer than dramatically necessary, so I’m glad when we get to the point where we spy Pat sitting in his car and furtively calling Tanya. (Or at least calling someone with a contact photo that looks exactly like her. She might have a twin. Who knows?) Tanya apparently does not care to take his call, which is no surprise, considering how he got him some yum-yum and then ran out the door.

  Pat looks sad for roughly two seconds, then we see him back on the road, because you always feel better when the wind is blowing through your shellacked hair that doesn’t move a millimeter. Oh, look, he’s driving through the gates of the vineyard, followed by dozens of his buddies from the classic-car hoedown in that parking lot. (I guess they ran out of car wax and people got bored.)

  Tanya, apparently conducting another tour and conveniently standing on a large balcony that allows her to see Pat’s parade, gazes in wonder while the setting sun highlights her dewiness. Pat leads his new friends into a large circle drive, where they proceed to roll along at a half a mile an hour so Pat can sing to the lovely lass up yonder.

  This bit also goes on a bit longer than anyone not in the video would deem necessary, but I guess there were contractual expectations that had to be met. (Or maybe the director wandered off to sample more wine and had to be retrieved.) In any case, about a month later, Pat finally parks his car, his friends park theirs, and everybody gets out so they can wait for a reaction from Sheena Easton on the balcony.

  And, of course, she glowingly reacts with utter joy and happiness that Pat has made his way back into her life, despite his penchant for hit-and-run sex and apparent desire to spend most of his quality time at car shows and not her lovely vineyard in the valley, pun firmly intended. We get a final shot of them once again barreling down a country road in Pat’s speed-racer, wind whipping things about.

  I hope the Amish know they’re coming…


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