Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"

So we start out at a church wedding, where Katy is about to get married. The music hasn't started yet, so we're not yet sure if this is supposed to be arty or if someone forgot to turn the sound on. But one of the bridesmaids is a drag queen, so I'm thinking things will perk up in a bit.

Katy, looking innocent and glowing, says her "I do". Then it's time for her beau to make his commitment. There's a very long pause, reaction shots of concerned people around the church, even the little flower girl is looking at him like, dude, YOUR TURN.

When it's clear that he's not going to answer, the music finally kicks in and the whole church starts to boogie as Katy breaks out into song. So we go through the whole first part of the song, with Katy dissing the scumbag who was her true beloved just two minutes ago.

We get to the chorus as the beau breaks free and runs down the aisle, not so much that he's afraid of Katy but more that he wants to get away from old people trying to break dance. Katy clearly isn't finished with her song, so she has no choice but to chase after him.

As Katy and the giant bow she is wearing clatters along behind him, the beau turns a corner and slams into a man dressed as a hot dog. I don't know what message was intended by this little mishap, but I'm glad it happened. People dressed as food are creepy, and they should be knocked to the ground whenever possible.

Katy realizes she's getting nowhere fast in her pinchy high heels, so she steals a pink bike conveniently left near the violated hot dog man. She catches up to her beau as he slips in the back door of some building. (There are no signs to indicate where we are, so either the budget was very low or the prop people were drunk again.)

Turns out the beau has come upon a concert, and the people in the audience immediately grab him and crowd surf him toward the stage. Where Katy is magically on stage, singing more of the song. The wedding dress is gone, and she's now decked out in some retro-80's vinyl and metal gear. We keep getting close-up shots of Katy's waist. No idea why.

Time for the chorus again, and now we're in a garage of some kind. Katy's back in her wedding dress, along with a bunch of backup dancers dressed as brides. They all have really runny mascara and are waving baseball bats in time to the beat. While Katy stands in a car, the dancers do some crappy dance moves involving the bats and a lot of finger pointing.

Then they all converge on the beau, and Katy sings in his face while the dancers march in a big circle around them, making what looks like rude hand gestures expressing displeasure. Obviously nobody lost any sleep over whether this choreography made any sense.

Whoa, now the bride dancers have also found some convenient pink bikes, and everybody is riding one, looking all demonic and wobbly, barrelling toward the beau. He runs for his life, but suddenly stops to answer his cell phone. Like all of us would do when being chased by angry estrogen on wheels.

It's Katy, determined to sing more of her song. I guess home boy gets streaming video on his phone, because there she is in living color, wailing away in her runny mascara. (Katy does her best acting here, really loved the hand motion during the "roller coaster" line. As for the beau's acting? I've seen better emotion from a crock pot.)

He finally hangs up, runs some more, then turns a corner onto a sound stage that's supposed to look like, I don't know, a not-so-classy playground in the Bronx. But hey, all the dancers are having fun here, dressed in street gear and doing lots of pop-and-lock moves.

Then all hell breaks loose as we start jump-cutting all over the place. The bride dancers show back up, doing something stupid in a V-formation. Then we have some crazed hula-hooping little girls and more 80's girls on roller skates. More shots of the strange concert and Katy's belly.

Everybody seems to be having a great time, I'll give them that. I believe the director just said "okay, now I want you to do whatever you think looks hip and rhythmic, and smile a lot like you just got the government check." And do they ever.

The song ends with somebody rudely knocking the beau to the ground. He looks up to find Katy wearing lots of eye shadow and leading a zebra toward him while a rainbow fills the sky behind her. I'm sure this means something. I'll have to get back to you.

Then we're back in the church, where everyone is actually still waiting for the beau to say his "I do." Of course he says it, and the whole church cheers. Because now she's HIS problem and we can all get on with our lives.


Editor's Note:  This is another one of those slightly-older videos where the version I reviewed is no longer available on YouTube, at least not in a decent-quality clip. Sort of makes you wonder why these people play copyright games with each other instead of letting the fans enjoy the videos. Sad, really...

Lifehouse - "Whatever It Takes"

Okay, so we start out with lots of cut shots showing mundane things you would see in a typical apartment: pictures on the wall, cooking essentials, a bag of chips, a microwave. No real clues yet on where we might be heading. The lead singer is sitting in a bedroom.

Then suddenly the lead singer is strumming his guitar while surrounded by a variety of table lamps. Are they doing a benefit concert at Pottery Barn? He's not even singing yet and I don't know what's going on.

Then we get better views of the apartment, and the theme is industrial, concentration camp, and creepy. Okay, this song is about him doing whatever it takes to keep somebody, and I'm gonna have to say the first item on the checklist should be hire a designer that knows how to use color.

He finally starts singing, and we jump back and forth from Stalag 17 to the Pottery Barn concert to Free Tibet. What is the obsession with accent lighting?

Then he breaks into the chorus, and suddenly the pictures on the wall and various other objects around the bedroom start exploding into bits. What the hell?

Finally the apparently deadly chorus ends, and the lead singer moves into the kitchen. (We get close-ups of his grunge-booted feet actually walking, not sure why.) He paws the kitchen counter, and then fiddles with a picture of him and some girl, and I'm assuming she's the object of his affection. (Gotta say the girl is right to have reservations about the relationship, especially now that we know his singing can cause destruction.)

And there he goes with the chorus again, and all kinds of crap is blowing up all over the kitchen. Cheerios flying, milk gushing, condiments all in a tizzy. I'm really starting to hate this chorus. People could die.

And more shots of him playing his guitar with the pottery barn lamps. Okay, symbolism can be fun and interesting. Confusion is just... confusion.

Oh wait, now he's singing again, and all of the things that previously exploded all over the apartment are miraculously reassembling themselves and everything is all pretty again.

Then he's back in the bedroom, and the girl from the kitchen picture is slumbering peacefully behind him while he sits on the end of the bed. He reaches over and wakes her up (rude, dude). She beams up at him, they hold hands, and the lead singer turns back to the camera and looks happy and satisfied.

Loved that final shot, touching. But everything up to that point? What the hell?


Editor's Note: This is the place where you would normally click to see the video on YouTube, but for some odd reason you can no longer find the original video that I reviewed. No idea what happened, but I'm guessing there was some type of litigation and a copyright holder got pushy. You'll just have to do the visuals in your head...

Leona Lewis - "Bleeding Love"

We zoom in on a residential building, and we get glimpses of several women in their apartments, each of them in various states of undress as well as emotion. The camera finally comes to rest on Leona, sprawled out on a hallway floor, wearing a really pretty dress. (Girl, you don’t DO that in couture. Get your ass off the ground.)

But Leona’s stubborn, so she starts to sing and play with her hair instead of getting up. When she finally does, the wall color is different, so either somebody messed up or she has special powers and can walk through walls.

Cut to a crying woman on her unmade bed, looking at photos, which I think we’re supposed to take as proof that her man is seeing somebody else. Not clear, and I’m distracted by the fact that her sheets are half off the mattress. She sloppy. Then the drums kick in, and I’m much more interested in that.

Leona’s back on the floor in the first hallway.

Then we’re in another apartment, with a sobbing woman sporting enough mascara to re-tar the roof of Buckingham Palace. Her man comes in the door (hey wait, is that the guy in the photos?), and she throws some wadded up panties at him that are (presumably) not hers.

Okay, better shot of Leona in the second hallway, and she IS wearing a different dress. So now I guess the explanation is that she’s quick doing costume changes in the lobby during the bits when people are crying over photos on a tacky bed or throwing panties across the room.

Quick shot from the side of the building and we see a total of four angry women in apartments, so I guess Leona has at least two more costume changes as the stories unfold.

Back to mattress girl, who is now jumping on the bed and throwing the photos around. (I would get spanked for doing that, just sayin.) And panty girl throws her cheatin man out the door. (He stands outside the slammed door and looks confused. Dude, those weren’t her panties, so unless they are YOURS, you don’t live here anymore.)

More shots of Leona in the golden hallway. (She really likes to play with her hair.) Not sure why she’s rubbing up against the walls and all, and at one point I do believe she was humping a radiator. And she can’t seem to stand up on her own, leaning against the wall like she’s really tired. (Was there alcohol at the craft services table?)

Brief glimpse of a third woman, so we’re about to get her story, but first Leona, in a new outfit (think Barbarella) wanders into a bedroom, flops on her back on the bed, and then sings a line while arching her back and shoving her breasts up to Jesus. The height she achieves is amazing. Seriously, stop the video at 1:42.

Okay, time for third girl’s story. Jerk from the photos and the hurled panties walks up to her door, she opens it and they immediately begin sucking face. Then they jump on the bed and whoopee ensues. I guess they know each other.

More shots of Leona roaming the halls. She’s not wearing a back brace, which kind of surprises me after the athletics of her previous scene. She’s got a new outfit, of course, so we’re about to see the fourth girl. And it looks like somebody found her some coffee, because she’s not sliding along the walls as much.

Final girl is sitting on HER bed, wearing pantyhose with giant white circles, waiting for the phone to ring and checking her watch. Honey, whoever you’re waiting for is not going to show up until you take those awful pantyhose off and burn them. Or you can at least throw them at somebody. Girl #2 can give you tips on how to do that.

Quick shot of Girl #3 still flopping around with the Jerk, and hey, they’re right next door to pantyhose girl. You wanna call this one or should I?

Lots of shots of Leona again, with her hair blowing wildly, even though she’s inside and not near a window. Thankfully, she’s not using her breasts to recreate part of Mt. Rushmore in this scene.

Okay, then we get really busy. Let’s see, some guy walks in on Jerk and #3 and there’s a scuffle, Bed Girl lights all the photos on fire, and Pantyhose Girl tries to drown herself in the bathtub. This is getting serious. Luckily, Bed Girl catches that bed on fire and the sprinklers go off.

This calms down Bed Girl, stops the fight in Girl #3’s boudoir of shame, and allows Leona to dance around in the streaming water, twirling, singing and shimmying. Quick shot of Leona’s feet sporting very high heels made out of golden chain-link fencing. Somebody paid big bucks for those, so they had to have their own cameo.

Oh, and the beau that Pantyhose girl was waiting on DOES show, it’s somebody we haven’t seen so he’s most likely a nice guy innocently visiting a house of madness. And happily, since the fire sprinklers are still going, Pantyhose Girl doesn’t have to explain that she’s dripping wet because she just tried to kill herself over the fact that her date was ten minutes late.

I now fully understand why Leona keeps, keeps bleeding. Don’t you? Thought so.


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