Usher, will.i.am - “OMG”

Well, there’s not a whole lot going on in this video, so I’ll have to dig deep to find the mystical symbolism. I’m sure it’s there, because nobody in the entertainment industry would make a pointless video that means nothing, right? Anyway, here goes.

We start out looking at this old-timey TV set displaying flickering images of Usher and/or poltergeists. Why they would be using an ancient TV like this, I don’t know, because there are plenty of new-fangled sets out there and you know User can afford them. The camera starts zooming in while the music starts and Usher utters “oh my gosh” for the first of 7,235 times. Trust me, you will hate that phrase within two minutes.

Then we apparently enter the TV, just like that movie “Videodrome” where lots of people died. Usher appears to be trapped in a room with lots of blue laser lights criss-crossing the room. (Is he trying to rob a bank? Why is Usher insisting on pretending that he’s poor in this video?)

Oh look, the screen splits into two and now we have will.i.am on the left, in his own room with lasers. His laser beams are orange, though. I’m sure the different colors mean something (rankings on the Billboard chart?) but it’s not clear. We cut between the two for a little bit, so you can understand who is in which room. With two different people singing, it can get very confusing.

Then we have a close-up of Usher, as he’s pulling down what looks like the cowl neck of his black shirt, uncovering his mouth so he can start singing. He wants to love us down, which is nice and all, but you’d think he would have finished dressing before the video started.

Now Usher starts doing what might be dance moves, but they are very complicated and involve a lot of hand-pointing. These gestures seem to make the laser beams move around the room. Quick shot of will.i.am also wiggling and pointing, and suddenly the objective is clear: they have to dance their way past the security system or Tom Cruise will kill them. Got it.

This goes on for a while, so those must be some really smart laser beams. Or the guys just don’t know what they’re doing. Still, I hope they make it, because even if I don’t like the song, I really don’t want there to be a tragic end to this video. Because then they’ll pre-empt all my favorite TV shows while Larry King interviews the survivors, and I don’t think I can look at Larry’s suspenders one more time.

Oh wait, looks like at least Usher made it out alive, because suddenly he’s in a white room with lots of go-go-booted women who can’t keep still. The girls are hopping all over the place, doing things which include troubling crotch-thrusting, while Usher is acting like he’s on the runway in Milan. (Just a suggestion: maybe if the girls weren’t wearing leather bras, they might be a little more comfortable and wouldn’t need to thrust so much.)

Somewhere along the line, Usher picks up a fancy pair of sunglasses. We zoom in on those, and we are treated to reflections of people dancing around. (While Usher poses with his shades, we get quick shots of the lady dancers still trying to get away from the uncomfortable undergarments and the go-go boots.) Hey look, Usher is tapping a finger on the side of his head EXACTLY to the beat of the song. He is SO talented. Gosh.

Now Usher is wearing a trench coat and standing in front of what looks like a steel-plated wall. He does this little spinning move that causes his shadow to split into two shadows, and the shadows start dancing to a different song. Oh, now there’s four shadows. Not sure what the producers are trying to say. Does Usher have multiple personalities? (If that’s the case, I wonder which shadow is the one that didn’t get enough attention as a child?) Or are the producers just too cheap to hire actual dancers?

Okay, what is THIS? Usher is now leaping about two stories high and twirling in the air. Does he believe he can fly? Isn’t that somebody else’s song? This makes the shadows dance even harder, probably because they’re jealous that they don’t have their own jet packs. All of this activity causes the steel wall to drop, and we learn that it was just a fancy curtain. Well, that was pretty disappointing.

Back to will.i.am, who’s still trapped in his laser room, which means Usher is winning at this game. But at least will.i.am has some company now, in the form of another tightly-dressed dancer who really enjoys posing with her booty out while her face is covered in a fishnet stocking. She proves to be a very busy girl, running all over the room like the po-po be knockin’ on the door, but will.i.am doesn’t care, since it’s time for his solo and she can prance around all she wants as long as the camera stays on HIM.

Then we cut back to Usher (I’m assuming it’s Usher, because he’s rudely walking away from us and you can’t really tell) in a room that has apparently been rigged for 3-D filming. I’m only guessing, though, based on the weird red and green out-of-focus crap that is going on. It might just be poor camerawork or the medication I’m taking.

Usher is joined by two male backup dancers, and all of them start puffing on cigars while dancing, because we all know it’s so much easier to keep the beat when you’re sucking burning smoke into your lungs. The tobacco also causes them to do slightly suggestive things with the derby hats they are wearing, like blowing smoke rings while humping the headwear. I’ve never tried this, so I can’t speak from experience, but it doesn’t look like much fun. I guess you have to have a hit album or two to really enjoy it.

Then a red light comes on, and female dancers come piling out from somewhere. The girls mostly gyrate and raise their hands to the sky, thanking the Lord for this gig and the chance to feel tight leather in personal spaces, while the guys do some choreography that involves push-ups, squatting, and standing on their tippy-toes. Meanwhile, some of the female dancers find some convenient metal bars that allow them to spin around like Mary Lou Retton in a porn movie.

Finally, Usher decides that he’s earned his paycheck for the day, so he turns and walks off the set while the camera moves backwards and we pop out of the creepy old TV. Hmm. Interesting. But I'm still waiting for Tom Cruise to show up and take care of those laser beams...


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Timbaland, Justin Timberlake - “Carry Out”

  So we start out with a couple of scantily-clad women bouncing around in front of a giant neon sign for some “Drive-In”. I guess this video was made in California during one of their infamous “rolling brownouts” because the lights keep flickering and it’s really not clear what anyone is doing.

  Then one of the heavy-breathing girls moves out of the way and we can see a second part of the sign which informs us that this Drive-In serves “Hot Cakes”. I think we’re supposed to take that as a not-so-subtle reference to the sluts on parade, but all it did for me was make me want breakfast.

  Now we have some shots of Timbaland and JT standing around, wearing ball caps and leather jackets because the costumer designer on this gig is just really original, we’ve NEVER seen that getup before. I suppose they’re trying to dance in that down-low way where they just sort of twitch, but I may be mistaken.

  This is followed by Timbaland sitting in a car, with some dude that I don’t recognize. I don’t know where JT ran off to, maybe it was time for him to host “Saturday Night Live” again. There are several chicks skating around the car, acting like mobile waitresses trying to take orders on cute little pads, but I seriously doubt any of them can actually write. The waitresses do, however, know how to lean over and practically shove their breasts in the car windows. Everybody needs a skill.

  Oh look, JT’s back, and he and Timbaland are doing the standing around and looking cool thing again. Now it’s time for them to do the “me, you, you, me” part of the song that gets really monotonous. They try to spice it up with some hand movements as they say each word, but it’s not really working out and just looks stupid. Is there actually a director on this video, or is it really somebody’s assistant recording all this on his cheap cell phone?

  Now we’re presented with a montage of lovely ladies cavorting about like their lives depended on it. One poor girl in front of the Drive-In sign starts jerking so wildly that I’m concerned she may have stepped on a fallen power line. There’s another featured “dancer” wearing puffy pink pajamas and wrapped in so many necklaces that I don’t see how she can breathe. Maybe that’s why she drops to all fours and wiggles. The guys think she’s being really sexy but she’s actually motioning for someone to call 9-1-1.

  More montage scenes, with the rolling waitresses still trying to get the order right, some line dancers who are very proud of their crotches, and the boys still thinking that making hand gestures somehow improves the lyrics. And the girls seem very invested in taking off bits of clothing. It’s apparently hot on that stage. The brownouts must be affecting the AC as well as the lights.

  Then we have an extended scene with JT being worshipped by salivating women. First he just stands there while two women paw at him while wearing modified baseball uniforms (meaning panties instead of pants). These two are also trying to lick their lips while looking provocatively at the camera, but they don’t seem to know where the camera is located and they come off as a little simple.

  Then JT apparently gets tired and has to sit in a white chair. As he recuperates, trollops in French-maid outfits proffer him desserts and such. He doesn’t seem to be hungry, so the maids dance around holding the unconsumed food. There’s a close-up of one girl with a cherry in her mouth and a mourning veil over her face. What, was she on her way to a funeral when she got the casting call and she made a U-turn?

  Meanwhile, Timbaland has secured his own chair and his own personal troupe of gyrating hoofers. He shows that he’s a true professional, managing to continue with his singing while yet another horny dancer maps out the side of his head with her tongue. Timbaland doesn’t even blink. Maybe he’s used to this sort of thing happening.

  And once again we have some more of the “me, you, you, me” crap. This time around they’ve decided to just do a whole bunch of jump cuts: Timba and JT with the hand gestures accentuated with leaning left and right to the beat, a really high-strung dancer in red fishnet stockings who is prancing about so energetically that she could probably power the city of San Bernadino, and a whole assortment of lesser-dancers whose signature move is struggling to keep their breasts covered as they twirl.

  Then JT joins the line dancers in front of the Drive-In sign. The girls are all involved in some synchronized choreography that features a lot of squatting and thrusting, but I guess JT didn’t pay attention during rehearsal and is just winging it. He resorts to holding his hands out a lot and stomping his feet around like he just saw a cockroach.

  Cut back over to Timbaland, who is still in his chair. (Maybe he’s anemic?) Here comes face-licker girl again. She must have missed a spot, because she’s back at it with her power-drill tongue while also waving her fanny at the camera. She is VERY talented. I hope she goes far.

  Another long sequence, this one with Timbaland and JT presumably dancing. I’m not really impressed with this “I’m too cool to actually DANCE” style of dancing. They are taking one step forward, bouncing a little bit, then taking another step forward, more bouncing. How do you stay ON the dance floor if you’re doing that? Have these people not seen “Dancing with the Stars?”. They would be SO voted out.

  And yet another montage. (Seriously, there’s no director on this thing, right?) Basically, more of the same stuff. There’s only two new things of any interest. One involves a startling scene where somebody’s leather-clad hips come flying through the air at the camera (was there an explosion?), and a new dancer sporting a giant afro and apparently titillated by the helium in the odd, why-are-they-there balloons floating behind her.

  We wrap it up with Timbaland and JT just standing there, flipping their hands in front of their chests, simulating heartbeats as the final notes of the song play. Great suggestion, guys. Let me just punch the button on my medic alert bracelet. Hopefully, some EMT will race in the door and use those jolting paddles on my chest to try and bring me back to life.

  Because I need it after that mess…


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Lifehouse - “Halfway Gone”

.
 So we start out with this really blurry image of a person walking toward us. I don’t know if they’re just being artistic or if the cameraman is drunk and no one noticed. This goes on for a little bit, and boredom is already creeping in, when suddenly the shot comes into focus just as the lead singer starts warbling the lyrics. A few seconds later, the rest of the band magically appears out of the singer’s back, then they wander off to do something else.

  Then we have close-ups of each band member singing the song, proving that they at least know the words. This is a really greasy-looking bunch of people, and none of them appear to be very happy. Come on, folks, lighten up. We know you’re getting paid for this. Crack a smile or two.

  Anyway, all of this is taking place in some type of peaceful park next to a quaint little lake. Very pretty and calming. Then some rude people in cars come driving up, killing the grass and polluting the atmosphere. Crowds of yuppies pile out of the cars, and everybody starts dragging out blankets and picnic things. Great. Nothing says “serenity” like 500 of your closest friends screaming and eating fried chicken.

  But it’s a good thing these other folks showed up, because it appears that the band is no longer interested in singing the song. Now all of these extras are put to work performing bits of the song, with close-ups of people we don’t know, lip-synching and dancing like an injured moose.

  Then we have several scenes showing part of the herd breaking away and racing off to do something. This pack runs up a hill, then bursts forth over the top of it, all of them waving and cheering like they just won the World Cup. We have no idea why they are doing this, but they certainly have lots of energy. They thunder down the hill,  laughing and carrying on. I’m guessing there was a stop at Starbucks before they hit the park.

  While we were away watching this mad race to nowhere, someone in the legal department must have spoken to the band, because now they’re back in the picture. More close-ups of them half-heartedly singing the song. These shots are interspersed with some fool running around in one of those giant hamster-balls that are apparently the rage with certain classes of people. Why do people even want to do this, when you could just sit around somewhere and drink beer?

  More clips of strangers singing along. I’m fairly certain that I don’t want any of their CD’s.

  Then there’s a disturbing scene where lots of these strangers come running out of the side of a very skinny tree and race directly at the camera. This is NOT what Nature intended, with trees giving birth to threatening people that fill the screen. I don’t think I like this park anymore. It’s evil.

  More clips of unknowns who can’t dance. This is starting to get old. All of these people running around and they can’t come up with something more satisfying to do? I almost miss the stupid hamster-ball.

  Oh wait, there’s Hamster Man. He’s given a nice extended shot as he furiously works the contraption across the screen, running like a fiber drink just kicked in. Thrillingly, he trips and falls right at the last second. Watching people bust their ass is one of the finer things in life. They cut away just as this happens, but I still got my fix.

  Then some of the peeps in the cast of thousands decide it’s time to eat, throwing down their blankets and setting up a spread. Sadly, and inexplicably, this quickly leads to some severe rough-housing, with folks rolling around on the ground and potato salad flying. Some people just don’t have any manners.

  Next up is a long scene where they’re doing some of that digital magic again. This time, we zoom in on one of the band members facing away from us. At first, it actually appears that he might be relieving himself, so I’m a little concerned about the plot at this point. But no, he’s just standing very still so pretty women can burst out of his crotch and back, then caress him lovingly.

  Holy cow. This is one naughty magical park.

  We check back in with the rough-housing hooligans who don’t understand how to properly have a picnic, to find that things have progressed to an all-out food war, with entrees and drinks being hurled about. This is what happens when lip-synchers are unsupervised. But at least they’re having fun, bless their little ADD hearts.

  And we’re just about done. They cram in about a thousand quick shots of the Benetton extras as they shimmy and groove to the last of the song, a few more glimpses of the bored band members, and a final update from the food fight, where some idiot has pulled out a crate of whipped cream cans. People are squirting and screaming and running, like some jacked-up Fertility Clinic of the Damned. I hope they’re all wearing protection, especially since you never know where they might morph next.

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