Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"

In the opening scenes, Lady Gaga is dripping wet, climbing out of somebody's swimming pool. She is wearing odd headgear, and the assumption is that she was thrown out of a passing alien spaceship because she wears too much eyeliner. There are twin dogs looking at her, but they don't move because she doesn't appear to have any treats for them, and even if she did, they would be soggy by now.

Then Lady Gaga prances around in her black leather outfit, doing hand movements that signify she either has a rash or is practicing for an infomercial involving cleaning products. Amazingly, her eyeliner does not run, despite the coming-out-of-the-pool thing. She does a lot of naughty hip-thrusting for no apparent reason.

Oh wait, now she's got on a blue outfit for the chorus. She clutches her head a lot, tons of backup dancers appear out of nowhere, and they all gyrate, but Lady Gaga doesn't have a hair out of place. Somebody cut a bonus check for the stylist.

Now there are hundreds of people running about, with Gaga pretending to play poker and throwing cards everywhere (rude!), then everybody is in their night-night clothes but still humping the air and acting like poker is an aphrodisiac.

Another chorus in the blue outfit. Clearly, somebody shelled out for a fog machine. Oh look, now there's TWO of her gyrating and getting moist over a royal flush. Wow, not only is card-playing apparently sexy, but it can cause split personalities!

Now Gaga's got on some freaky glasses that channel MTV. Way cool. But then she gets bored with those and ditches them pretty quick.

Wait, now she's wearing the blue outfit again and it's not the chorus yet. What the hell? Did somebody run out of film? And why does she keep using her hand to make a circle thing around her eye? Is this her signature move? Sucks compared to MJ's moonwalk.

Now she's preening around some bed-head semi-stud who looks stoned. Jump cuts between her, the stoner, the hundreds of gyrating people in the house who apparently can't find a decent disco, and Gaga nearly frenching one of the dogs. Quality, yes?

Then Gaga does some hand movements, mainly to show everyone that she enjoys gothic manicures, and that her hair has remained in place, despite the humidity from the pool and the hordes of lost disco dancers racing around the property.

We close it out with Gaga doing even more odd hand movements, still really invested in doing the circle thing around her eye even though it's pretty dumbass, and more shots of her looking incredibly unsexy in meaningless leather outfits.

What did we learn from this? Nothing.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.