Maroon 5 - “Misery”

  Well, isn’t this nice. An abusive relationship set to a catchy beat. And here we go.

  Lead singer Adam drops out of the sky and lands on his back in the middle of a street somewhere. I guess he’s fine, because he starts singing the song while gazing at us as if we were responsible for his situation. We’re not, but we’ll forgive him for now. Maybe he hit his head and isn’t thinking clearly.

  Next thing you know, some Supermodel is astraddle his body, writhing about and such in a non-chaste manner. She might be performing CPR in a very friendly way, but it’s not clear. Suddenly, Supermodel pulls Adam off the ground and slams him into a chain-link fence. I guess he likes that, because he smirks and sings some more. They paw at each other in a way that might be lust-inspired, but could also just be a nervous condition. Adam touches her booty, but she doesn’t seem to care for that.

  Without explanation, we’re suddenly up against some closed garage door, where the frenzied pawing continues, including a new variation where Supermodel chews on his lower lip. Then she jabs him in the forehead, which transports them to the middle of an alley where there’s some dust billowing around.

  It seems the dust causes Supermodel to have an allergic reaction, because she sneezes really hard and head-butts Adam, knocking him to his knees. That’s fine with Adam, because now he can play with the waistband of her jeans while she slaps and kicks him. What is inspiring her to be so brutal is not clear. Maybe she’s just mean, or hates his outfit. He does seem to have more hair product than is really necessary.

  Then she performs a really powerful high-kick, that somehow knocks Adam into the middle of another busy street. He scrambles to his feet to run away, but he’s not paying attention and gets hit by a car, driven by someone who’s in a hurry and doesn’t have time for pleasantries like stopping to see if they have killed someone. Adam survives, but, because he has issues, he runs into the abusive arms of Supermodel instead of the other way. This is how country songs are born.

  Now we’re in a restaurant where there’s not any food on the table, but at least they have silverware because Supermodel is playing with a rather menacing knife, rubbing it about on her body and looking uncomfortably deranged. While Adam continues to sing to her, because not even vicious supermodels can stop the music in him, she places his hand on the table and starts stabbing at the spaces between his splayed-out fingers. (Personally, I’d be asking for the check at this point.)

  Then crazy girl stabs the knife through a hand, but the hand seems too far away from Adam to really be his, so I’m guessing one of their dining neighbors can no longer play the piano or perform surgery. Crazy girl picks up Adam and throws him on the table, greatly irritating the unseen wait staff, and this transports them into a bathroom. Instead of just using the facilities like decent people, Super Crazy uses a stall door to smack Adam in the head. (Little trooper that he is, he never stops singing. The show must go on, despite masochism in the powder room.) Super then shoves Adam’s face in the sink water, so he must have gotten some Eggs Benedict on his chin during the brunch that they never finished because she has a stabbing fetish.

  Then we’re back out in the dinner, even though all the tables are now missing because the restaurant manager has had enough of the roughhousing. Crazy is sitting in a chair and semi-impales Adam on one of her skinny-jeaned legs, then she kicks Adam through the front plate-glass window of the diner. (This girl is really mad about something.)

  Out on the sidewalk, Adam sings amid the broken glass, while some other guy gets hit by a car, so maybe his luck is improving. Oh wait, maybe not. Now we’re on a fire escape, with Crazy Girl clearly still steamed about whatever it is. She throws him over the side, but he manages to cling to the edge of the platform, dangling several stories up, because he just can’t get enough of that dark lovin’. She doesn’t really care what he wants, so she stomps on his hand to show who writes the checks in this house, and he falls.

  But instead of slamming into the pavement, he instead lands in a nice montage of further abuse in all the locations that we’ve visited. A recap of the pain, if you will. There he is getting walloped in the street where they first met, and the alley, and the diner, and, looking very much like something that George Michael would enjoy, in the diner bathroom. We cap off the review with Adam turning to the side and spitting out blood, just to help us understand that you shouldn’t try this at home.

  Then Adam is standing on the street, and he spies Super Crazy with a bazooka. This can’t be good, so he finally wises up and runs. (Unfortunately, a slow-moving stranger is not quite as fleet on his feet, and catches the bazooka in the face. These are different times, people. You really shouldn’t be out sight-seeing unless you’ve been trained in evading missiles.) Then Adam gets stupid again, and follows Crazy up to the roof of some building, where she promptly throws him over the side and he lands on a car. Some people never learn.

  Hey look, another montage. This one has scenes of Adam grinning while Crazy nibbles on his ear, interspersed with Crazy beating on him some more, other people getting hit by cars (what’s up with that obsession), Crazy knocking Adam off a motorcycle because he was dumb enough to driver near her on one, and Adam lying on the smashed windshield of the car he fell on, probably paralyzed, but at least his vocal cords are still working. Maybe he doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t finish the song. Or dies.

  Oh, and shots of Crazy throwing knives at Adam, but hitting bystanders instead. That’s nice. (Out walking the dog and BAM, unwelcome personal penetration. Sort of like Saturday night in an Arkansas bar.) And more ear-nibbling. So those are the twin themes, murderous vehicles and lobe-snacking. The things that dreams are made of.

  We wrap it up with Super Crazy, wearing some cute fingerless gloves, lighting a Molotov cocktail and hurling it at Adam, so he can run through the streets while on fire, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, so I’m a little jealous. Finally, Adam collapses to the ground, conveniently near a microphone so we can hear the last words of the song. Then Crazy and her combat boots stomp off into the sunset, looking for other lead singers in denial…


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