Chris Brown - “Yeah 3X”

  We start out in some alley where Chris’ tennis shoes make their debut, tromping along on the rain-slicked pavement. (We can see a manhole cover, but I really don’t think that’s important to this particular story.) The camera pulls back and we can see all of Chris as he trots about with a hoodie pulled over his head. (Is he just cold or has he done something bad again?) Brief shot of the side of a very tall building.

  With no further explanation, we cut to a residential street where restless little kids are sitting on the stoop and just waiting for anything at all to happen in their tiny lives. We also have two little girls jumping rope, with one of them already barely wearing a hooker-training outfit. That’s nice. Brief shot of two older ladies sitting in a window and observing the goings on. (Hey, if that little athletic strumpet down there is one of yours, go tell her to put some clothes on. She can have sex and ruin her life later, she needs to learn the alphabet first...)

  One of the little urchins suddenly yells “Man, I’m bored”, which magically jump-starts the opening credits for the video, as well as triggers a big moving van to come driving up. (All this excitement is interspersed with more shots of Chris in that alley, all dark and gloomy and wet. What’s up with that?) Back in the daylight, the happy Chris climbs to the top of the van and does an impromptu gymnastics routine while wearing snazzy clothing.

  Another urchin suddenly yells “Hey, it’s Chris Brown!” (Ya think? Because, you know, this IS his video. Chances are pretty strong that he’ll make an appearance. You’re not so smart, you little brat.)

  The sides of the van roll up, and homies with equipment quickly set up a concert venue. Chris hops off the van, and he is instantly joined by hundreds of people in the neighborhood as they all start line dancing. (This happens all the time, right? They must be in Brooklyn. Those people can’t keep still over there.) Simultaneously, Dark and Wet Chris starts singing and dancing as well. But he’s still in that alley, where nobody can actually see him and fans can’t flock up and worship him, so I’m not sure what the point is with this little side story.

  Happy Chris decides that it’s the perfect time for a parade, so he leads his bouncing acolytes around a corner, where some guy in a lime-green suit almost steals the show with the pure shock value of his couture. Luckily, Chris manages to keep the focus on him by kicking up his dance steps and twirling around the street like a chipmunk on acid.

  People in the parade are so excited by this burst of athleticism that some of them start doing back-flips to show their appreciation. Then some special dancers run in from somewhere and help Chris perform a lively routine that involves karate moves and pretending like you’re about to run a race at a track meet. (Dark and Wet Chris also ratchets it up into overdrive, bouncing off the walls of that creepy alley.)

  Right in the midst of the revelry we have a shot of little 4-year-old boys grabbing their crotches and pumping their hips. Really? You’re teaching that to a 4-year old?

  The dancing continues for some time, so everybody must have had a really good breakfast. At one point, Chris decides to stalk some woman walking down the sidewalk, so he follows her, still busting the moves, until she finally decides that he’s just too hyper for her and she prances off to get a bikini wax.

  Chris doesn’t care. He instantly finds four girls wearing matching suspenders that think doing dance routines is the best thing ever. They perform some nice choreography while Chris belts out more of the song. Eventually, he can’t help himself and has to jump in the middle of their line. They accommodate him, because he’s the star and all, but you can tell they thought they were doing just fine by themselves and didn’t really need the extra firepower. Eventually the girls tire of this and march in synch off to one side while Chris dashes the other direction. Not sure where he’s going, but he’s in a hurry.

  Oh, look, he’s headed to a place called “Popin Pete’s”. Lots of images zip through my mind at seeing this sign, but none of them prove to be true. Instead, Pete comes out of his little shop, wearing his own snazzy outfit, and shows us that the “popping” he does is all innocent and dance-related. He and Chris then get busy with some heavy choreography, which includes deep knee bends and what might be a tribute to Frankenstein getting really mad about those villagers with torches.

  They pop and lock for quite a while, while Dark and Wet Chris continues to cavort in the alley where nobody knows his name.

  Cut to Chris on a fire escape at night, trying to rally the constant throngs of groupies to dance like they’re Paula Abdul before whatever happened to her singing career happened. To keep the energy level high, somebody has turned on some huge searchlights to splash on the nearby buildings, as if these people needed any more incentive to tumble across the set like the only way to get to Heaven is to bounce high enough.

  Some fool breaks open a water hydrant, and this inspires everybody to do back-flips in the gushing spray. (Because that’s really safe. Wonder how many scenes were cut from the video showing airborne chorus boys slamming into brick walls?) And that’s where we pretty much end up, with human cannonballs randomly flying through the air and everybody else dancing and making sure the jetting wetness makes them look all sleek and sexy without ruining their hairstyles. (Not sure what that one girl was doing hunching the asphalt, but at least she was smiling, so it’s all good.)

  Chris and his colorful dance squad do one final routine wearing lots of pastel, then the closing shot is of Chris and his sweaty, heaving torso. No word on whatever happened to Dark and Wet Chris, but I’m going to assume that he found somebody to dry him off…



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