Britney Spears - “Toxic”

  We start off with what looks like an apocalyptic setting, and suddenly two vicious birds are flying obnoxiously toward us before zipping past. While we ponder why the hell that was necessary, here comes a futuristic plane ready to kill us as well. (Does Britney want us to die?) The camera zooms through the cockpit, past the two pilots who are cute (of course), out the cockpit door and down the main aisle toward a flight attendant who clearly had an issue with her costume because I’m seeing far more flesh than I care to at 30,000 feet. Or on the ground.

  This chippy is facing away from us for now, in an attempt to build drama, but we know it’s Britney because the producers aren’t going to spend the cash on an opening like that for just any old drag queen. Brit picks up a handy nearby phone, then whips her head around for full disclosure and starts singing into the phone. (Is the girl just not comfortable with herself unless she’s holding something that feels like a microphone?) She sings for a bit, and does a few twirls so we can see her skimpy outfit was designed to enhance the fact that she has breasts. As if we didn’t know this from her other videos.

  Cut to Britney somewhere else, writhing on the floor and wearing a new outfit that can only be described as basically non-existent. (Sure, we have some strategic glitter patches, by why even bother?) Back to the plane, where Britney is serving people champagne from a cart and hooker-walking her way down the aisle in a manner that suggests there’s a live crawfish lose in her panties. For some comedy relief, Britney spills some champagne in the crotch of a nerdy passenger, and then affects a surprised look reminiscent of Lucille Ball. If Lucille were wearing an outfit that you can accessorize with a stripper pole.

  Britney snatches up a napkin and proceeds to man-handle the guy’s crotch in an exuberant housekeeping gesture, which triggers the video to cut back to Writhing Britney, still wallering around on that floor and not really wearing anything. Back to the plane, where Brit and the other traveling tramps, I mean flight attendants, have decided to do a line dance in the aisle. (Maybe the in-flight movie wasn’t working properly?) These girls seem very excited about the opportunity to caress a luggage bin with lusty abandon.

  Easily distracted, Britney then focuses on another nerdy guy walking down the aisle, signaling him to come toward her with one naughty finger. He doesn’t seem to understand what she wants, so Britney makes it clear by using her breasts to tune in Tokyo.

  Next thing you know, the two of them are scampering into the bathroom so they can have upright sex. Britney decides that her mating choice needs to be cuter, so she rips off his face and he turns into Brad Pitt with long, blond hair. (Hey, does that really work? Might need to try that.) More shots of Floor-Hunching Britney, then back to the loo, where Britney finishes the bump and grind by pinching some device from Brad’s pocket and flouncing out the door.

  Zip over to another setting that requires Britney to wear a red wig and disco sunglasses. Oh, it must be Paris, because now they’re conveniently showing us the Eiffel Tower in the background while Britney appreciates her own body. Then she runs to hop on a motorcycle being driven by another cute guy who is pleasingly shirtless. (Can you imagine the call sheet for his character: “Need muscular guy who hates clothes but can straddle a machine and look hawt.”)

  They race through the Parisian streets, irritating locals at cafes and causing one Lolita’s dress to fly up so we can see her panties are too small. Britney spends some time undulating on the back of the bike, so she must really like things that rev. Or wearing hair of an unnatural color. We also get more shots of Trollop Britney still doing the splits on that stage, as well as some fishnet-hose-clad S&M girls who appear to be comparing kneecaps.

  Eventually, Britney either falls off the motorcycle or is thrown off by Shirtless who has decided that she is too high-maintenance. In any case, Britney assumes a huntress pose in the middle of the street to assure us that nothing important has been damaged.

  Brief shot of Brit bellowing into a phone and then something exploding. No idea.

  Now Britney is walking down a futuristic hallway that is on fire, which is not something that I would suggest, but I’ve never worn a wig like that so I don’t really know what it might inspire you to do. This bit of defiance causes Floor-Hunching Britney to finally stand up and wave her hands over her head. She has been healed! Can we get a hallelujah?

  Fire-Tunnel Britney is now doing something electronic, like hacking into a secure area or maybe creating a vibrator that can also clean house. Hacking Britney races into the room she’s just breached, and snatches up a small bottle with something green. (Birth control pills? Because I’m thinking she might need them.) Britney then goes back out into the Fire Tunnel, which is now apparently the Laser-Lightshow-Tunnel. This change of scenery inspires Britney to do some nice moves that involve high-kicks, yelling, and telling us to be quiet. (Girl, I ain’t said nothin. Don’t look at me.)

  Floor-Hunching Britney is now sprawled out on said floor again, so I guess her healing was only temporary. This is what happens when you have HMO’s.

  Laser-Tunnel Britney does some flip-kicking moves that causes something to get smashed, and then we cut to people having sex in a shower. (I probably missed something in the transition.) Brief glimpse of Hunching Britney still not healed, and then Laser Britney fighting off a cloud of flying projectiles. (People returning her last CD?)

  It doesn’t really matter, because now we have Britney in another wig, climbing the side of a building using popsicles. She gets to the top floor, and does a flip move while wearing a leather outfit, both of which she stole from either the “Blade” or “Underworld” movie series. In this fancy penthouse room, she encounters a cute guy that might be Airplane Brad Pitt, but I’m not sure because the penthouse is spacious and they are not crammed together, having sex while hovering over a toilet portal that could hurl your ass into the jet stream. (Hunching Britney is still popping up throughout this bit, but we’re basically over her. Bitch can’t walk and she’s horny. Got it.)

  Blade Britney throws Brad on the bed. Then she throws him on the floor. Then she straddles him like it’s a Disney E-Ticket ride and they make out. Britney stops tonguing him long enough to whip out a vial of the green stuff she stole while wearing the red wig, and she pours it in his mouth. (Kind of rude, right? That Britney. Sell a few billion CD’s and you think you have the right to change how people have foreplay.) But Brit’s all done with this scene, giving Brad a quick peck on the lips and then running to throw herself over the side of the building.

  And she lands in the plane where all this fun started. She gives us a wink (I was just kidding about being an international spy tramp. I just like to fly the friendly skies and serve cocktails.) and then proceeds to lean her breasts into the face of another passenger.

  He orders two of them…


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