Faith Hill - “Breathe”

  We start out with some nice nature shots of the Serengeti Desert, or some place where things seem to be a bit dusty and the Earth and sky have a lovely sepia tone with neutral colors that a savvy realtor would suggest you use on the walls of your dining room to get a better return on your investment. Then Faith proves that she is an eternal spirit of some kind by rising out of a picturesque lake and waving her hands about like one of the lesser deities in a Hindu poem.

  Next we have Faith wearing what I think they call a “sheath dress”, which means that she’s basically wrapped her ass in a silk sheet and then turned to the camera. She’s doing some interesting hand gestures to imply that she has achieved self-acceptance and a love of windswept places where she is the only person on the horizon.

  Oh wait, now we’re seeing Faith in some bed, with the silk theme continuing in the form of bed sheets that she’s wallering around in as presumably someone somewhere else in the house is making her coffee. As the camera caresses her toned body on this bed, we learn that Faith has enough hair that set designers can spread it out all over the pillow like something that might be mistaken for a Venus Flytrap in darker lighting. This is the first point where I realize that Faith really doesn’t like to look directly at the camera when she’s singing. What’s up with that?

  Now we’ve got Faith back in the desert, and she’s swaddled in a gauzy red contraption like ancient Druids might have asked her to wear during an important ceremony involving sheep. Oh wait, maybe we weren’t supposed to see that yet, because we quickly cut to Faith doing some type of hand yoga. I think maybe Faith is more invested in this hand activity than we are. And then we’re back in the silk-sheeted bed, and it might just be me, but I’m thinking Faith is a wee bit more horny than anyone planned for on this shoot.

  Quick shot of Sheath-Dress Faith, and then we’re back to the Horny Bed with Faith almost showing us France. More Sheath-Dress, and now we can see that the back of this couture is weirdly designed and yet still sensual, and it’s fairly clear that Faith liberated her bra at some point. And more of Faith in that bed, where it appears to be very difficult for her to keep her legs still. I guess the designer sheets do much more for her than the average naked woman on a video shoot.

  And we’ve got Sheath-Dress Faith doing more yoga out in the desert, assuming a difficult pose that I can only describe as Twirling Dog Discovers Tail. Suddenly, it gets very dramatic in that desert, with Faith raising her arms to welcome interplanetary spacecraft as they invade the planet. Perhaps Faith left out a few details in her official biography.

  We get more shots of Sheath Faith strutting about, letting us know that she practiced walking around in this dress a lot. Brief bit of Faith playing with her hair, then we’re back in the bed where Faith is on the verge of personal satisfaction, and more images of Gauzy Faith tromping through more of the desert.

  Now Bed Faith is sitting up, and you know there were personal stylists tripping over each other to make sure we don’t see the naughty bits. Faith doesn’t care, tugging on the sheets in a teasing way, and flopping around in a manner to indicate somebody hasn’t been giving Momma enough attention.

  Back to the desert so one of the Faiths can dance in the middle of a crop circle, another facial shot of Faith, and then Bed Faith is thrusting her breasts in the air in a moment of absolute silken bliss. (Did they really show this thing on Country Music television? Because this girl has needs.)

  Now we start seriously jump-cutting around among the various Faiths, with the central theme of this segment being that Faith really doesn’t know what to do with those breasts of hers. She tries dancing, and more yoga, and some business where she clutches at her hair whilst on that sex bed, but nothing is bringing her any true satisfaction. Poor thing.

  And it’s starting to get late, as the sun sets on the two Faiths that like prancing around in the desert, and we have a new Faith that is wearing what might be a wedding dress. Faith really seems to like this new outfit, twirling and waving her arms like there’s a prize if she can convince Air Force One to land nearby. But then Faith changes her mind about assisting landing aircraft, and she starts pawing at her hair like she has so many itches that she doesn’t know where to begin scratching.

  We get some more close-ups of Faith, and she’s still doing that annoying thing where she looks away from the camera, possibly making sure that Tim McGraw isn’t eyeing the Craft Services girl. She seems kind of mad during this bit, so I’m going to guess that she spied Tim asking for way more sushi than he really needs.

  We wind it up with Wedding Dress Faith doing something that requires her to squat in the desert while the sun sets, another close-up of Faith Who Doesn’t Like To Look At The Camera, and a final ballet of Faith hand movements indicating that the interplanetary spacecraft should return to orbit. Because the human race is not ready for forced domination by a woman with unsatisfied bedroom needs…


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