Note: This is the explicit version. WAY explicit. Just sayin.
Okay, we’ve got another one of those mini-movies that are apparently the rage these days with certain singers, so it takes a while to even get to the song. We start off with a title letting us know that it’s February 18th, 2001. Obviously, something must have happened that day, but I must not have been directly involved because there are no bells ringing. I’m assuming that Dr. Dre is going to fill us in with the details. Or maybe not. You know how these music videos are. Sometimes it’s just talking fish, a floating kumquat, and stripper-dancers, while somebody recites French poetry in an ugly outfit.
Anyway, we’re looking down from a high cliff over some swirling ocean water, then we’re not, then Dr. Dre comes into view, looking very pensive while the sun sets. Or rises. Something to do with the sun changing its mind about what it wants to do. Cut to ocean waves, pretty waterfalls and some smiling gangsters who have probably just done something questionable. More Dre with that serious expression, then we start getting flashbacks of what we’ll assumer were happier, or at least busier, times. I’ll try to interpret.
Rappers run about, there’s a purple-hued doctor performing surgery on a turntable, and some woman in an orange something-or-other is really proud of her booty. We also have scenes involving machine guns, Compton, people running, Eminem bopping his head with a friend and then wearing Batman and Robin masks, people getting married, cute children at the age before they start asking so many questions that you start to not care for them as much, and a giant pink gorilla possibly attacking an otherwise contented family.
Now we have an extended sequence with Dr. Dre getting in a fancy sports car, firing it up, and heading out onto what might be the Pacific Coast Highway but could just as easily be the private entrance road to a Beverly Hills mansion, because those people have a lot of money and can build whatever they want. Dre is driving way too fast for safety or comfort, so it’s not going to be surprising if Dre doesn’t quite make it back from the corner store with the requested milk and eggs.
As Dre races along, we see additional flashbacks, mostly of people having a really good time at parties, wearing outfits and dancing. Oh, and we also have shots of people like Eminem and Snoop Dogg praying in a circle. (Why there would be a camera in the middle of the circle recording what should be a moment of personal spirituality, I don’t really know, but since I don’t typically run about with rap stars, I may not know all I should about how one should behave in groups of people who have rhythm and their own record labels.)
As expected, the car eventually swerves out of control and flips over about 400 times before the remnants of the car skid to a halt, not looking very sleek and sporty any more. This can’t be good for Dre. And I’ll just have to assume that the eggs didn’t fair very well either. Fade to black, and a new title explains to us that it is “Years Later”. Um, like what? Just a few years? Or, like, expect to learn that “The Simpsons” are now in their 284th season?
We enter some type of medical facility, where we get a brief glimpse of what I think is Skylar Grey wearing something billowy and shoving her breasts at the camera while she floats in the air, followed by multiple shots of various doctors looking serious and fiddling with medical type things. Back to Floating and Billowing Skylar, who sings for a bit, then we see Eminem tromp into the facility, wearing the same standard outfit he has worn since somebody first handed him a microphone back in the day.
Eminem approaches somebody stretched out on some weird wires and attached to what we assume are life-saving machines, and he studies this arrangement for a few seconds before Skylar comes back on the screen. She warbles while floating and doing back bends and a modified breast stroke that really doesn’t seem to be effective in helping her travel anywhere.
Eminem again, just as one of the machines indicates that Dr. Dre may have rapped his last, giving off a menacing flat-lining noise. This apparently pisses off Eminem (like everything does) and he immediately launches into an invective-filled tirade about something or other. While Em rants, a large screen behind him is filled with various flashbacks of things that happened in places where we weren’t invited.
Eminem has a lot to say, so this goes on for a while, with him hollering and such. If the medical people around him were really caring and patient-focused, you’d think one of them would wander up and tell Eminem to pipe down so Dre can get some rest while they figure out if he’s still alive or not. But no one intervenes, so I’m thinking I really don’t want to stay in this particular hospital should I need medical attention in the distant future.
We finally go back to Skylar, and the poor thing is still floating in the air and trying to build up enough momentum to get to the cash bar so she can order another drink. (Maybe she should kick her legs a little more effectively instead of just weakly waving them about and screwing around with her gauzy dress?) She’s still singing, but it’s the same chorus as before, so we don’t learn anything new or useable. Oh, wait. Now there are two of her. Did she just clone herself? That’s a pretty impressive skill. Heyyy.
Now we have Dre floating in some type of liquid-filled tube chamber, while Eminem continues to air his issues and Skylar continues to do little of importance in the background. She politely floats away so we can concentrate on Eminem’s trademark movements of looking very angry and waving his hands about while he vocalizes. (Still no nurses running up to make him settle down. In fact, I don’t see any personnel around anymore, so maybe they’re all in the coffee shop.)
Why does Eminem feel it’s so important to point his finger like that?
After several days, we cut back to Floating Skylar, and now there are three of her, so she’s been very busy procreating while we were gone. To show their appreciation at our return, all three of them go into a floating line dance involving leg-kick moves that almost show us their hoo-hoo’s while they sing. It’s a special moment.
Cut to Dr. Dre in a hospital bed, with the medical people having returned from their coffee break so they can stand around Dre’s bed and stare at him. No one is doing anything, so it’s getting a wee bit boring, which causes the Skylar Triplets to appear on screen and give birth to a fourth sister. I guess this is somehow a cosmic-alignment kind of thing, because Dre’s eyes suddenly pop open while Eminem stares in wonder and some extra playing a medical secretary starts typing things on a keyboard.
Despite having supposedly been in a coma for years or possibly centuries, Dr. Dre immediately starts physical therapy. This sets up a sequence of training scenes, where it’s very clear that Dre doesn’t need this therapy, since he’s bulging with muscles that apparently worked themselves out while Dre was taking that long nap. As Dre raps, he does things like lift skyscrapers with his thighs, pose at just the right angle so we can memorize his personal landscaping, and sweat. The physical therapists leave the building and are never heard from again.
This goes on for a while as well, just like Eminem’s bit. But Dre is rapping AND working out, so I think he wins, yes?
Dre also does a shameless plug for Gatorade while his nipples point in different directions.
Dr. Dre finishes up, and here we go with a stream of flashbacks again. Lots of people doing odd things that inspired someone to pick up a camera. Mixed in with this is Dre walking along and looking pensive again while the sun either rises or sets. As the flashbacks start to trickle dry, we see Dre walking up to a grave and pausing to reflect about the person buried there...
Which forces me to end without snarkiness, because I’m not touching THAT…
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