Gabriella Cilmi - “Sweet About Me”

  We start out with Gabriella lying on her back in the middle of a floor, singing the song, so either she’s already drunk or she was absent that day in pop-star class when they talked about stage presence. Based on her hairstyle-choice and nonchalant attitude, I’m guessing that Gabriella probably doesn’t spend too much time caring about what other people might think. (Really digging on that square-headed microphone, though. Go, girl!)

  Cut to one of the band members doing something with drums and wearing an expression that makes it very clear he is not to be bothered until the pizza gets here. Okay, then. Gabriella then drags her butt off the floor and strolls around a bit, while the camera cuts between her and random band-member body parts like elbows and feet, letting us know that the director is pretty laid back about things like composition and structure.

  Wait, was that a quick shot of a guy in a cage? Has he been naughty, and if so, the good kind or the bad kind of naughty? Will there be further discipline? Hmmm.

  Back to Gabriella and the band, with her still strolling about like she’s looking for some really cute shoes at the mall but isn’t all that invested in actually finding anything. Then she manages to come across some guy who is hanging upside down from a pulley, all bound up in ropes and such. (What is going on up in this place?) Gabriella just sings to him for a while and then wanders off, so I guess she sees things like this every day. And the guy doesn’t bother to say things like “I’m in a bit of a pickle, could you help me out?” so I guess it’s all good.

  Gabriella gets tired and has to sit down in a retro red chair for a little bit, so we do that, then she’s up and wandering around again, so she might have some focus issues. She wanders past Cage Boy and then we get to meet another dude tied to a brick pillar, but at least he can still reach his harmonica and is able to play it in the right part of the song, so I’m sure he’ll get a merit badge for that.

  More singing and walking with Gabriella, along with some close-up shots of her face so we can see that she really means it about not being sweet and all (like the bondage thing didn’t let us in on that little tidbit). Then she pauses right in the middle of the song to take a long swig from what might be an innocent water bottle or could be one of those high-end boutique vodka decanters, not sure. All that walking and looking at tied-up men has gotten her a little parched, poor thing.

  Gabriella gets back in that red chair so she can waggle her finger at us and continue having mussy hair, then she strolls around some more because we haven’t finished the tour of her torture boudoir. In this segment of our program, she introduces us to a man sitting up to his neck in a packing crate, covered in that shredded packing stuff that gets everywhere no matter how much you try to control things. (Did Gabriella order him from Crate & Barrel? I guess I haven’t seen that particular catalog.)

  First, Gabriella steals his sunglasses and puts them on her own head, so she’s a thief as well as a somewhat lazy and dried-out dominatrix. Then, horror of horrors, she up and pours the rest of her vodka water all over his asymmetrical-haircut head (which actually makes him look kind of hot, but we’ll save that story for another bedtime.)

  Satisfied with her wet works, Gabriella turns and heads back to the band, sashaying past yet another guy who has been duct-taped to the floor, making him look like a giant, metallic burrito. She doesn’t bother to mess with him, so he must not be her favorite toy at the moment. Or maybe that’s just what turns him on, being ignored and then later getting handed out the window at a Taco Bell drive-thru.

  We wind down the song with Gabriella alternately sitting in her anemia chair and wandering through her band members. Just to catch us up on the things, the camera gives us quick shots all over the room to show us that, yep, girl done got her a bunch of wet men tied up around here. Then, because she’s worked really hard for at least three minutes straight and deserves a break, Gabriella plops down her microphone and heads out.

  But not before she stops at that hanging-upside-down guy, climbs on a box so she can reach the pulley and so we can see her cool-looking boots, and then she unloosens a knot so he can crash to the floor on his head.

  I guess she needed the rope.


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