We start out with
a shot of two goldfish in a bowl, which is probably symbolic in some way but
really just makes me want cute salty crackers, then we start getting shots of
an apartment. Based on the number of photos we see where lead singer Adam, a
supermodel, and a cherubic baby are smiling and looking wholesome, the little
family appears to be quite content with life. We know this is a lie, of course,
because it’s a Maroon 5 song. Sooner or later somebody is going to get pissed
off about something, and there will eventually be harsh words, possible
gunfire, and court rulings.
But we put that
part of the fun on hold for a bit, so we can watch Adam and his facial scruff
interact with the baby. She has no idea who he is, of course, but she’s a
competent little actress, professionally trained to show emotion and drink from
a bottle. The wife/girlfriend appears to be cooking something on the stove, so
perhaps she’s preparing a meal. Or maybe she just likes the sound of sizzling.
In any case, there are no signs of emotional strife and people are being fed,
so it’s all good.
Cut to Adam in a
gym, where he’s banging around with the equipment and managing to sweat
seductively. Then we have some guy wrapping Adam’s hands with white tape, that
stretchy stuff that boxers use for some reason that has never been explained to
me. The guy with the tape is possibly a trainer of some kind, or maybe he’s
just really good at wrapping, who knows. He doesn’t introduce himself and they
don’t take any questions from the audience.
Back to the
apartment, where Adam is now bouncing the baby in the air. (Which, as many of
us know, is not something you should do with a baby that just sucked down a
gallon or two of formula. But it’s not our video. Or our baby, as far as we
know.) The wife/girlfriend (she needs a name, let’s call her Renata) is still
at the stove, so this must be a very complicated recipe that goes way beyond
pushing a button on a microwave. But her hair looks really good, so she’s all
set.
Quick shot of the
gym, where Adam is slipping on boxing gloves, in case we haven’t yet figured
out that boxing is one of the important themes of this video, then we head back
to the apartment. Renata is finally done stirring whatever and she shoves a
plate of the stuff at Adam, then she takes the baby from him for more bouncing
and cuteness. Adam starts shoving the food in his mouth without thanking her.
Then he snatches up a stuffed bunny that’s lying on the table and tries to
entertain baby, still not thanking Renata for the food or for being so pretty.
Or even looking at her.
Uh oh. It appears
that Adam is paying way more attention to baby than to Baby. And that, ladies
and gentlemen, is not a good thing.
This right here is why they invented the Jerry Springer show. Well, this
situation and the fact that many people are amazingly stupid and have a
tendency to act a fool if they spot a camera in the near vicinity.
So we head back
to the gym, where Adam is doing those boxing-training moves where he punches
the gloves of the other guy who is maybe a personal trainer and maybe just somebody
that doesn’t understand there are other, less-painful careers out there in the
world. (I’ve never understood this about boxing, either. Why practice punching
somebody’s hands? That’s not what you do in the ring. How are you learning from
this? Then again, I’m not a fan of boxing in general. How is it that some
people love a “sport” where you beat the hell out of somebody else? And yet
some of those same people are stunned that we have a domestic violence
situation in this country. Go figure, right?)
End of soapbox.
For now.
Anyway, the
sparring finally ends, and the personal trainer pours bottled water over Adam’s
head, presumably to cool him down, or maybe they both just think that wetness
is really fun. Can Adam not just go take a shower? Such an activity would
surely increase the viewing stats of this video, and it could lay the
groundwork for a really festive line dance involving near-nudity and billows of
steam.
We cut back to
the apartment again, where Adam has finished up his home-stirred meal. He
decides it’s time to jet, and he briefly smooches Renata, spends a longer time
smooching baby’s head, and then does a bit where he lightly punches baby as if
in the ring. He completely doesn’t notice the look Renata gives him for doing
such a thing. The signs are all there, Adam. I’m not even having sex with the
woman and I can tell she is none too happy with your ass.
Brief shot of the
goldfish, reminding us that it’s an important plot device. Because it’s way too
much expectation for us to remember something that we’ve seen a mere two
minutes ago.
Zip over to some
arena, where a microphone is lowering as a boxing match begins. An announcer
guy that doesn’t look like he really belongs in a boxing ring grabs the mike,
and it appears that Adam is about to fight some other guy with bushier hair
than he has. The bell rings and they go at each other, with the crowd roaring
in that bloodlust way that people have when there’s an open bar in the other
room and there’s nothing else on TV. Kid Rock appears to be in the audience, or
at least his evil twin, Adult Rock, encouraging Adam and Bushy to pound away on
each other.
Back to the
apartment, where Renata is following a different life plan. She’s rushing about
the house, gathering up her designer clothes and random personal items, and
shoving all these goodies into boxes and suitcases. It appears that Home Girl
has got leaving on her mind, determined that she is not going to end up living
a sad existence that is eventually played by Tori Spelling in a Lifetime movie,
a biopic probably named “The Renata Boombata Story: Living With A Boxer Totally
Sucks”. She scurries about and snatches things with fierce determination, while
baby Adam-Nata reviews the domestic flight from her high-chair.
This kicks off an
extended montage where we cut back and forth between Adam and Bushy gettin’ busy
and Renata gettin’ packed. We learn two things from this montage: Adam can spit
water at the camera in a very sexy manner, and Renata sure has a whole lotta
crap that she wants to take with her on that midnight train to Georgia. (She manages to grab a copy of Grimm’s Fairy
Tales. Interesting. Honey, why you wanna
take that? The fairy tale didn’t
work. Throw that bitch in the trash.)
Eventually, the
boxing bout ends, with Adam victorious over Bushy. (Naturally. It’s Adam’s
video and we don’t know squat about Bushy and any of his possible issues.) Adam
parades around the ring in triumph, and we’ll just assume that Adult Rock is
satisfied with the results even though we don’t see it. A short bit later, Adam
arrives at the apartment, only to find the place basically cleaned out except
for a pile of his athletic equipment and trophies. He collapses on the couch,
in defeat despite his now unimportant win.
Cut to the
goldfish bowl, which now only has a single swimmer.
Hold up. Renata
took half the fish? I’m sure the lawyers didn’t see that coming when they were
working on the pre-nup. Somebody clearly has some issues up in this grill.
The video ends
with a voice, possibly Adam’s, saying “I
don’t know. Whatever.”
And therein lies
the problem. Soapbox, part two.
On the next
episode of Jerry Springer, we talk to baby Adam-Nata, who tells us what really
went down in the crappy apartment where people are unsatisfied, and she shares
a video that she taped using a camera hidden in her pacifier…
Click Here to Watch
this Video on YouTube.
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