We start out with
a shot of a city skyline, which could be anywhere from Ontario to one of those
previously-backwoods places that suddenly got skyscrapers and wi-fi overnight
due to the passing of tax-evasion laws. Then the camera kind of tilts in a
weird way and we find ourselves looking into the retro-chic apartment of
Taylor, as she looks a little bit sad and wears both a ponytail and some
pajamas that scream “wardrobe decision based on possible product tie-in with
Target”.
Then we have to
forget about the questionable pajamas because it’s time for Taylor to sing, and
she launches into the opening of the song where she expresses dissatisfaction
with how her boyfriend, or at least her one-night-stand, has been acting
lately. To make sure that we understand she is serious, Taylor, in the midst of
some nicely-dramatic hand gestures, dons a pair of geeky glasses. (So she’s
aiming for the science-fair teens now? As if there aren’t already 40 billion
hormonally-wrecked young males out there praying for the chance to be the next
teardrop on her guitar.)
Taylor,
unnecessary glasses firmly in place, marches into another room of her habitat
where she confronts the apparent loser of a boyfriend. He seems incredibly hot,
which might explain some of her poor decision-making in the past, but he’s obviously
done something dumb-ass or she wouldn’t have written a song about him. She
sends him out the front door, with more hand gestures, probably because it’s
about time for the super-perky chorus and we don’t need no scrubs when it comes
to that.
Banished Hot Guy
doesn’t immediately go away once kicked out, instead choosing to stand outside
the door and peek through a full-length plate of glass that someone has
conveniently designed into the apartment for dramatic purposes. His expression
indicates that he clearly doesn’t understand why his natural hotness isn’t
enough for a relationship, a misunderstanding that affects many young men who
grow up in red states where boys are taught that having a penis trumps
everything.
Then things get a
little cray-cray.
Taylor marches
into her living room (I’m just guessing that’s what room it is, her apartment
seems to have some time-space reality issues) where she encounters a band
composed of people dressed like animals and Venetian royalty from the 1600’s.
(I have no idea.) Instead of calling 9-1-1 about this discovery like a normal
person, Taylor joins the furry and feathered gathering and proceeds to dance
with them. I obviously missed something somewhere about this song that would
make a video director think “okay, this is where we need woodland creatures and
a World Wildlife Fund tribute”.
But it gets even
better. One of the animal-people, I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be a bear or
a jacked-up panda or what, seems super
invested in the supposed role that he is playing. He’s bopping around with a
hyperactive grin big enough to swallow Newark whole. His enthusiasm is so
mesmerizing that Taylor is shoved out of the scene so the cameraman can focus
on the dude with an obvious history of recreational drug-usage.
Happily, we cut
away from that mess and focus on a vintage TV where Taylor is singing, because
you can’t turn over a rock anywhere on the planet and not find her. Then the TV
and a section of wall slide out of view, since you can do that when your Old
McDonald apartment is not real anyway, and we see Taylor wearing a modified L’il
Abner outfit (was Dolly Parton a consultant on this?) sitting at a table with
Hot Guy, who is wearing headphones and listening to an actual vinyl record (is
it 1982?). And what’s up with the coffee cup plunked at a place where no one is
sitting? I’m starting to think there are multiple reasons for this relationship
hitting another brick in the wall.
Then Taylor,
after singing the line where she disses indie records, (not gonna get any fans
from that bit of lyric, just sayin’)
leaps up from the table and answers a phone on the wall, which leads to a
conversation with… well, the Hot Guy
that was just sitting across from her two seconds ago. He’s now in a nightclub
where an army of Janeane Garofalo look-alikes are desperately wanting to have
his baby (these things happen), but Taylor doesn’t care, even if the Janeanes
are wearing the same glasses she just
wore during the opening of the song. She slams the phone down and runs off to
another room in her Twilight Zone apartment.
Brief transition
scene where we see that the Odd Animal People are also in the Janeane Garofalo
Bar, playing instruments and seeming very satisfied with their furry outfits
and importance to society. This could possibly explain how the Tea Party
continues to exist despite the obvious insanity of the members. Not sure, I’ll
keep you updated with my findings.
Cut to Taylor and
Hot Guy riding in a car that appears to have been made out of… I don’t know
what. That is not a normal car, with
shades of The Flintstones or some such. Taylor and HG are having yet another
argument in the front seat (is anyone surprised at that?), but then the car
turns to the left and we can see that the back
of the not-right car is a pickup truck where we have lots more of those furry
band members who have clearly not been advised of the dangers of adding too
much sugar to your cereal bowl while watching cartoons on a Saturday morning.
And, of course,
we have Weird Panda Man front and center, bouncing around with glee like
somebody just found his prostate. But you can’t write off his little friends, either,
because the whole Truck-bed Band is far more excited than any humans or
cognitively-aware creatures should be
whilst playing musical instruments as Taylor Swift ponders relationship
evaluations. The happiness they are expressing is just not natural, unless one
of your parents mated with a Care Bear.
And we cut again,
this time to Taylor and Hot Guy heading into some forest where it was important
that a low-paid set designer should scribble “Happy Days” on a giant heart that
the bickering couple could walk through to get to the next scene. The duo seems
to be quite content at the moment, but then Taylor suddenly runs off to a
conveniently-nearby bed where she can pick up a phone and diss about how Hot
Guy is not proving to be a satisfactory partner, as she and her golden tresses
sprawl near a Benetton monkey. (And just who is she talking to? Hillary
Clinton?)
Doesn’t matter,
because Taylor throws the phone down (a servant can pick that up later) and we
transition to another room where Weird Panda Man is once again given the
spotlight (has he signed a contract with Simon Cowell yet?) before we pan over
the other occupants of this room. It’s a mix of real people and pretend animal
people (there’s one guy dressed as a squirrel who bounces a lot, this could
mean a lot of things in many ways), but Taylor is up in the grill so I’m sure
she had some kind of vision in mind.
Taylor dances
with her furry homies for quite some time, along with some un-costumed folks
who might have been pulled out of the line of people waiting to get into the
David Letterman show, and everyone seems to be having a good time. (Including
the now completely-annoying Panda Man who clearly read too many
self-affirmation pamphlets as a child.)
Then I guess the
doorbell rings, because Taylor heads toward the front door and throws it open,
which is not something you should instinctively do in urban environments. Turns
out that her gentleman caller is Hot Guy (because that type of guy doesn’t give
up, the penis thing and all), but Taylor is having none of it, especially if
he’s not bringing pizzas to feed the mystifying pretend zoo in her living room.
She slams the door and marches into another special room in her apartment, one
where the cast of The Wizard of Oz is
now doing a line dance, and she perches herself near a window where she can
affirm that we are never getting back together. Then the camera does another
odd movement and we revert to the original shot of the anonymous city skyline.
Meanwhile, in the
other room, Weird Panda Man is exchanging numbers with a zookeeper sporting
especially large biceps. (Two nearby people dressed as gorillas agree to be
Best Man and Cater Waiter at the wedding.) I’m sure Taylor will keep us updated
on what happened after that on her
next single, “Well, I Thought We Were Never Getting Back Together But Then The
Jacked-Up Panda Showed Up And I’m A Little Confused”…
Click Here to Watch
this Video on YouTube.
No comments:
Post a Comment