Poison – “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”

  Okay, folks, except for a little intro bit where people appear to be dissatisfied after a sexual encounter, this is mostly snippets of concert footage with no real story. So we’ll have to do the timestamp bit. Here we go…

0:04  Random shot of an alarm clock from 1938.

0:07  Gratuitous shot of Bret Michael’s nipples. (They later file a class action lawsuit for their share of the profits made from this video.)

0:15  Awkward shot of Bret’s armpit. (Checking that off the bucket list.)

0:19  Unflattering shot of Bret’s bed partner, with an expression that she is clearly unhappy about something. (Probably the sports bra that she unwisely chose to wear during the presumed sexual encounter.)

0:24  Who has more hair in this scene? Press “A” for Bret and “B” for unnamed nymphet.

0:32  Bret’s crotch, because a house is not a home until you’ve seen something like that.

0:37  A band member that is only staying awake to finish his cigarette.

0:42  Kesha?

0:46  Shot of nymphet’s butt. Why does she insist on wearing clothing that cannot possibly be comfortable? Those panties have got to be from the Spanish Inquisition.

0:53  Brett playing his guitar all alone on a stage that appears to be littered with empty condom packets. (Seriously, what else could those things be?)

0:59  Somebody wearing a hat but no shirt throws a green towel in anger. The towel will later seek therapy.

1:04  That’s a seriously big mouth right there, sure is.

1:13  I believe two members of the band are playing hopscotch together. Not sure.

1:18  Somebody has the Heimlich Maneuver performed on them, possibly against their will.

1:25  How can one person’s hair contain that much sweat? That could be another possible source of renewable energy.

1:32  A proposed new Muppet that was abandoned during the design phase.

1:40  The couture in this scene did not receive a stamp of approval from Vogue.

1:49  Random butt crack, plumber not involved.

1:50  A young George Michael  on the left, bad hairdo in the middle, and steroid abuser on the right.

2:10  Somebody driving really fast on a rain-drenched highway. Nothing bad can happen here.

2:16  More nipples.

2:19  Nifty bit where band members toss guitars across the stage. Just like a high school drill team, only completely not.

2:24  And another crotch shot, this one involving festive leather pants and a special camera lens that makes things seem enormously big.

2:29  Bret apparently hates chalkboards, and shows his displeasure by dousing it with the remnants of his cocktail. The chalkboard later sues for damages, and somebody ends up having to sell a house to settle the lawsuit.

2:25  Band member is beating the hell out of the stage with his guitar. People paid good money in the 80’s to see such a thing happen. Reagan was President. You do the math.

2:41  Daryl Hannah after a really bad bender.

2:46  More sweat cascading off the drummer guy. Shouldn’t he speak to a doctor about that?

2:53  Foot injury of some kind. But adult beverages are on hand. It’s all good.

3:16  Daryl Hannah breeds with rejected Muppet character, creating Exhibit A. Authorities study this for decades.

3:28  The one guy is still beating the hell out of that guitar. This does not appear to be a healthy relationship. Later, Dr. Phil will speak with the guitar and tell it to man up.

3:43  Flowers shoved in a plastic gallon of water, an open beer, a hair dryer, a guitar pick, a tiny towel that couldn’t dry anything, somebody’s belt, a can of Cheez Whiz, a musical instrument with startling pink accents, and what might be either a water fountain or an awkward bidet. I have no idea what this scene is trying to accomplish.

3:54  No one should ever wish for their hair to behave in this manner. For any reason. It cannot be justified.

3:59  Wait, did Poison perform on Broadway at some point? What’s up with that group bow?

4:04  Stripper pole on the stage. Need I say any more?

4:14  Star-spangled spandex. (Did I mention it was the 80’s?)

4:26  Debbie Harry on a bender, smoking a cigarette while Ross from “Friends” bandages her finger and wears an odd hat.

4:36  Bret leaves the stage, and begins prepping for his season on Celebrity Apprentice twenty years later. Where his hair will once again have to compete for best volume, this time with Donald Trump…

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