We start off with lead singer Pat fondling
some tomatoes at a grocery store, because that’s just one of the things you do
when your band isn’t currently touring and your Saturday nights are suddenly
free. Lo and behold, here comes David Hasselhoff strolling up, after having
apparently goosed a woman in a mini-skirt. (Did she smell like a cheeseburger?)
The two of them stand there and chit-chat about the freshness of the produce
(because straight guys always do that) until David gets bored with checking for
firmness and asks the question “where’s your girlfriend?”.
Cut to one of the
store aisles, where a mariachi band is playing. (This always seems to happen
near the jars of olives, have you noticed that?) Pat and David just glare at
the performing trio, probably because they both need some of those olives for a
nice antipasto they were planning on serving to dinner guests and now they can’t
get to them. There’s a lot of heartbreak and obstructionism in grocery stores
these days.
But we can’t
worry too much about that, because it’s time for Pat to start singing, and he
chooses to do so in front of the fresh-meat glass cases. (The attendant appears
to be a bit miffed about Pat not having taken a number yet still wanting to be
served, but what can you do when celebrities want meat?) Quick shot of Pat
waving a banana in another part of the store, then he’s back at the meat
counter where the attendant is pulling on rubber gloves. Oh? Is Pat about to
get his prostate checked as well? This is truly a full-service retail
establishment.
Another quick
shot, this one of a scantily-clad woman in a bathroom. I’m assuming it’s not
the bathroom at the grocery store, because it’s relatively clean and we don’t
have any graffiti on the walls. But we don’t actually see the woman’s face and
she’s gone before we can ask any questions like “Who are you?” and “What happened
to most of your clothes?”.
Back to Pat
wandering around the store and vocalizing while he snatches up prunes and such,
another cameo with him at the meat counter, and then we have the whole band
performing at a venue that looks like a glorified high-school prom. (Those blue
curtains have got to go.) Since this
is the peppy chorus, everyone is really excited and banging on their instruments
with gusto while Pat bounces and does hand choreography.
This triggers a
montage of scenes where we get to see more of the Bathroom Woman and we learn
three things: One, the woman is apparently Pat’s girlfriend (why isn’t she
helping him with the shopping?), two, she is played by the actress Taryn
Manning (isn’t she supposed to tormenting her brother on Hawaii Five-0 and not shacking up with Pat?), and three, Pat is
very invested in thinking of creative ways to kill Taryn’s perky but somewhat
tawdry ass.
We have no idea
what Taryn has done to deserve an expedited trip to the cemetery, but it must
have been really bad for Pat to write
a whole song about it. (Maybe it was the startling hair style that Taryn
brazenly wore in the one scene with the swimming pool. Who knows.)
We drop back by
the high-school prom to see that the band is still keeping the crowd excited as
they wait to hear who won King and Queen of the FFA Hog-Calling contest, then
we zip over to the olive aisle in the store so we can watch the mariachi band
play some more, reminding us of who started all this mess in the first place,
in case you feel the urge to file litigation of some kind. The camera stays on
them for quite some time in case you need to identify them in a police line-up.
More jumping
around, then we settle on Pat and the Grim Reaper in one of the grocery store
aisles, possibly arguing over the best type of cooking oil or spaghetti sauce
one should use for the entrée. (I really don’t know what Pat is holding as he argues with Death. I’m more concerned
about the big-ass scythe Death is clutching as the words get more heated.) This
is followed by a quick run-thru of Pat meeting an Hassidic Jew who keeps
fingering the scallions, Pat purchasing the bananas that he has apparently developed
a relationship with, and Pat letting Death sniff some sardines in a can.
No idea.
Oh wait, we’re
back to another montage involving Taryn, a review of more of the creative ways she can
head home to Jesus. (Or Satan. Who am I to judge?) There’s some mess about a
lion (David Hasselhoff tries to act like a lion in support of this plot point,
and he probably shouldn’t have, not his best look), a bit where Taryn is
strobe-lighted to death by an aggressive lesbian at the Valley Girl Disco, and
Taryn stepping on a tack at the top of a staircase so that some stagehand can
throw a clearly fake dummy that doesn’t even look like Taryn toward the bottom
of the stars.
But the most
startling image in this whole gee-whiz ride of loopiness? The scenes where Pat
and David are holding un-shucked ears of corn at each other so they can use
them as microphones and perform a duet. There’s so much Freudian slippage going on
there that I could get 27 blog posts out of it.
And that’s basically
how we roll through the rest of the video. We get further examples of how Taryn
can depart the Earth, although we don’t get anywhere near 50 of them, because
that would require a mini-series starring Tori Spelling and Valerie Bertinelli.
(My favorite of the batch? The one where Taryn gets buried in a freshly-poured section
of sidewalk, her legs sticking in the air, and a passing Housewife of Rodeo
Drive snatches off Taryn’s designer shoes and hightails it up the street. You
go, gurl!)
And there’s more
of Pat swapping triple-coupons with the Grim Reaper in the Dairy aisle, more of
David hamming it up in the produce aisle (possibly way more than is completely
necessary, to the point where you wonder if he’s really in on the joke or if he
thinks he’s starring in a Baywatch
reunion where he got hit in the head by a surfboard too many times), and some
more fun in the meat aisle, where the butcher is using a pig’s foot to stamp
out what happens when poor decisions are made at the deli counter.
The mariachi band
keeps playing throughout all of this, so we still can’t rule them out as the
true source of the problem and a possible portal to Hell. Maybe it’s the
over-use of embroidery on their outfits that is making them bitter and
vindictive.
Oh, and there’s a
final death tableau with Taryn where she leans out of her car window to better
study a swarthy muscleman posing as a road-construction worker, only to have
her head lopped off by a passing car driven by one of those extremely old
geezers who shouldn’t be allowed access to a vehicle or re-elected to Congress.
The head flies into the yard of a nearby house, where the MTV-raised children
proceed to use Taryn’s noggin as a soccer ball, with one of them quickly
scoring a goal. (Was this thing directed by David Lynch?)
The song proper
ends, and we’re back in the produce section, where Pat and David first fondled
hothouse tomatoes together and bonded over shared corncobs. David is trying to
console Pat over the horrid death(s) of his beloved, using the acting style of “I’m
not really sure what to do here so I’m going to repeat the word ‘horrible’ 46
times and hope it reads as real”. Then here comes Taryn waltzing up, completely
un-dead, waving around a zucchini, and acting completely clueless about (or at
least not offended by) the fact that her boyfriend has tried to kill her 50
times. She then plucks up an el diablo tomato and wanders off, as Patt and Hoff
realize that they can’t go on tour together just yet…
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