We start out with
Thomas tooling down some road, driving one of those old-school motorcycles with
a sidecar thing. (I never understood those contraptions. If you need the extra
seating, just get a car, right?) Anyway, Thomas and his odd trench-coat are
driving up to a collection of buildings in the countryside, where we can see a
man with a jetpack standing on the roof of one of the structures. He looks a
bit distraught (maybe he should get off the roof, that might help) and he’s
shaking his head at us in a manner which indicates we should just go find a
nice pub and not stop here.
But Thomas does,
because he’s a free spirit (how else would you explain his hair?), pulling into
a little parking circle that makes it clear he just learned how to drive the motorcycle
three minutes ago. Some helpful title cards then appear on the screen, letting
us know this is “Mr. Dolby’s arrival at the Home for Deranged Scientists”. How
nice for him. But why would a deranged scientist voluntarily go to a
sanitarium? They must have a really compelling brochure.
Thomas and his
odd cap head inside, where he finds a woman wearing spectacles and looking
completely out of place at the reception desk. (She appears to be angry in some
way? Did he not have an appointment? Do deranged people even understand what
appointments are? Or reception desks?) Thomas hands over some paperwork and takes
off his coat, because it’s really far too big for anyone to be wearing if they
want to be taken seriously.
The camera heads
out to the lawn (probably because paperwork takes a lot of time to review and
no one wants to watch that process) where we find several older gentleman doing
strange things. Bubble-blowing appears to be involved, and possibly some
synchronized frolicking. Even the cameraman doesn’t know what they’re doing, so
he gets bored and we head back into the main building. We find the Receptionist
Lady, who is leading us (and presumably Thomas) into an inner chamber with a
vague sign on the door, so anything could be happening in here, from
barn-dancing to yodeling.
We are then
presented to a man standing at and gazing out a window, perhaps searching for a
better-paying job, who turns and comes rushing at us with far more enthusiasm
than is comfortable, especially in England where one simply doesn’t show
excitement unless another coronation has been announced. He shakes our hand and
then proudly directs us to a nearby psychiatric couch. Oh. We’re going to do that now. Great.
Luckily, the
camera switches angles so that we are no longer pseudo-Thomas , and we watch as
real-Thomas plops onto the couch with great comfort and familiarity, indicating
that he’s been to this rodeo a time or two. As Thomas wiggles his fanny on the
couch and the doctor drops into a companion chair, Receptionist Lady (who might
be “Miss Sakamoto” from the lyrics or Joan from central casting) decides to
climb a short ladder and then fiddle with her skirt in what I’m assuming is
supposed to be an erotic manner but really looks like she’s done got the crabs
once again.
This development
causes Thomas and his hair to ogle her with barely concealed lust, a sure sign that
Thomas has not been watching the right pornographic movies. It also causes the
Doctor to suddenly be in a completely different video, one where he waves mysterious
implements and does a small jig. Then the Doctor comes back to the right set,
and he begins to scribble in his old-school notebook whilst Thomas tries to
tell us why he’s here and what led him to wearing intense eye-shadow.
Thomas starts off
by babbling about the stench of chemicals and scratching his head. (Uh oh, did
Sakamoto’s crabs leap-frog their way across the room?) As if she heard our
thoughts, Sakamoto and her severe glasses turn to give us a penetrating look
like she’s a prison warden with her hand on the switch that controls the
electric chair. Or maybe she’s just horny, because we quickly cut to another
scene where she and Thomas are doing an odd awkward dance in a darkened but
classical room, clutching at each other and moving sedately.
Oh wait, maybe it’s
not Saka. This woman has long hair that is not wound into a bitchy receptionist
bun, and as she slowly twirls with Thomas, we can see, courtesy of her
revealing couture, that she has an odd, vaguely violin-themed tattoo on her
back. Maybe this is Saka’s musical personality that takes control from the
other personalities in her head when they are all standing on a dance floor?
Saka Chaka Khan?
We briefly cut
back to Thomas still on the couch, touching his nose and making sniffing
motions. Let it be entered into the court transcript that this is a completely
unattractive thing for Thomas to do.
Another shot of
the questionable waltz, then we go back to original Sakamoto as she climbs back
down the short ladder. She’s not carrying anything, like reference documents or
prescriptions for tranquilizers, so she clearly did all that mess just to show
off her legs. Harlot.
The Doctor and
Thomas continue to chat, with Doc scribbling frantically and Thom pulling up
one pant leg to show us who knows what. (Another title card pops up,
proclaiming “Suitable for Treatment!” I think that card should have started the video.) The Doctor is inspired to
do that thing with his implements again, looking manic, and Saka arrives
bearing refreshments in the form of a wooden puzzle that Thomas must decipher
for some important reason. We watch him bang at that thing for a bit until the
cameraman gets bored once again and we head back outside.
To find those
older gentlemen are still frolicking about and being very invested in doing
annoying things. One of them is prancing with a jacked-up butterfly catcher,
another is playing hopscotch whilst looking through a telescope that is pointed
at the ground, and some interns seems to be pushing a patient along on a gurney
as they rush to somewhere important. (Oh wait, that last one might actually be
serious. These people take pills like a kid eats Skittles, so sooner or later one of them is going to hit the jackpot
of unsatisfactory chemical interaction and there’s a flat-line issue. We should
probably send a card.)
We eventually
make our way back to Thomas still on the couch, and he seems a bit peeved that
we’ve been away for so long. (Dude, there was a Code Blue on the lanai.
Un-clench.) But before we can become close friends again, we head into a
montage of various happenings around the Happy Valley Home for Head-Jacked
Scientists. There’s some man on the lawn wearing shoes that look like smoking
guns (symbolic of the Reagan Administration?), more of Jet-Pack Guy on the
roof, not knowing what he’s doing but determined to do whatever it is (symbolic
of the Thatcher Administration?), and some nuns with those creepy, overblown
hats strapping Thomas into a gurney (symbolic of record executives having no
idea what to do with new-wave music?) Just guessing.
The gigantor-hat
nuns eventually get Thomas into a room that has a nice little contraption that
they can strap to his head, so they do. The headgear looks menacing, in that “does
this have anything to do with a lobotomy?” kind of way, but Thomas doesn’t seem
to be fighting the procedure. (Maybe he can get some new musical ideas for his
next record? At least for the remixes.)
Next we have a
brief shot of someone playing a violin, then we’re back outside where the older
gentlemen have gathered and are doing a group dance that has little relation to
the music that we are hearing. (So that’s
how raves started. At an understaffed sanitarium where Thomas Dolby lusted
after a dark-haired woman who may or may not have an STD. Update your notes accordingly.)
Okay, we’re now
in the “operating room”, where Thomas is still wearing his fancy metal bonnet,
the Doctor is now wearing one of those old-timey head bands with a mirror stuck
in it, some previously-unknown German-flavored people are wearing evil grins,
and Sakamota is no longer wearing her severe bun, letting her locks tumble and
confirming that she did indeed slow-dance with Thomas in a ballroom that isn’t
functioning as intended. This will have
to go in her personnel file, I’m afraid.
Speaking of the
ballroom that really isn’t, we head back there briefly so we can watch Thomas
use a violin wand to play the tattoo on Saka Chaka Khan’s back. (Saka doesn’t
move a millimeter while this mess is going on, indicating dissatisfaction and
boredom, so you know Thomas better find another form of foreplay or there’s
going to be a heated discussion and possible privilege-reduction.
And we’re back to
Thomas on the gurney, presumably post-lobotomy, and we watch him watch several
smartly-dressed young boys head past him into a secret room. (Symbolic of game
night for certain Catholic priests?) Then we have another montage, letting us
know that Thomas is actually still talking to the Doctor, the Jet-Pack Guy
still hasn’t found what he’s looking for, the creepy nuns are still being
really pushy with people, Sakamoto is back to her “I’m still pissed off about
something” attitude, and Afternoon Tea has been seriously compromised what with
all the rude interruptions.
New title card,
this one announcing “Mr. Dolby rejects Science and things Scientific”.
So he’s become a
Republican?
We wrap things up
with Thomas and that coat we don’t like heading out the door of the asylum while
looking subversive and shady, a shot of the Doctor emoting in a dark corner and
proving that any licenses he may have should be ripped from his over-active
hands, Thomas again heading out the door, this time in his white couture from
the apparently dream-sequence lobotomy, and the Doctor being shoved into a
wheelchair and then subsequently shoved into a nearby river while people look
the other way.
Symbolic of the
staff at Fox News? You decide…
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