will.i.am, Britney Spears – “Scream & Shout”

  Okay, folks, this one is crammed full of fun images as well as Britney singing in an odd British accent for no apparent reason and name-checking herself as “Britney, bitch!” as often as she possibly can. But there’s absolutely no story line, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing. And here we go…

0:01  wili.i.am appears first (because it’s his song, natch), wearing a ball cap that appears to be eating his head. I personally don’t care for couture with teeth, but to each his own.

0:02  Britney debuts her new hairdo, something that probably required 46 stylists and a temporary disruption in the gravitational pull of the planet.

0:05  Somebody is playing with the special effects button on their video editor, so we have an army of will.iams and Britneys lining up to kick our ass if we don’t like their song.

0:10  will.i.am does a product demo for a new computer line with a giant touch-screen that involves butterfly icons and the international warning symbol for “don’t go in this room, bad things have happened”.

0:15  Another lineup of Britneys, showing that she hasn’t eaten a solid meal since 2004.

0:19  Britney is demonstrating a new sign language that was developed just to go along with her aggressive hair.

0:25  Side view of the hair, in case you need to print out a copy of it for your next visit to Fantastic Sam’s. I’m sure they’ll be able to recreate it, no problem.

0:29  Britney shows us the proper way to serve dinner in a fancy restaurant, one that employs waitresses who have previously appeared as villains in James Bond movies.

0:31  We get quick images of people we don’t know, warming up to do something. I smell an upcoming line dance, you?

0:34  Britney is trying to determine the correct setting for her Sleep Number bed.

0:38  will.i.am, running through an abandoned set from The Matrix.

0:42  Oh look, Britney has joined him on that set, wearing an abandoned ice-skating outfit with tufts of poofy black fur that accent her womanly wi-fi hot spots.

0:48  will.i.am shows us his special hand jewelry that spells out the title of the song. That’s some serious bling right there. And heavy. How you gonna raise the roof if you can’t lift your arms?

0:53  Random product placement featuring a bright yellow camera  that has a keyboard and some pre-loaded video content apparently showing will.i.am using an ATM at 3 in the morning.

0:57  And there’s a group shot of those random dancer people. Whoops, they disappeared. I guess they haven’t practiced enough yet. I’m sure we’ll see them in a bit.

1:06  An odd machine that appears to be an electronic tablet attached to an old-fashioned typewriter from the days when “Model T” meant those new-fangled automobiles and not a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

1:10  will.i.am or Spike Lee? You decide.

1:14  And here we finally go with the line dancers. They seem to be very insistent about something, I’m just not sure what it is yet.

1:25  Why does that one dancer have a golden Dixie cup on her head? That can’t be very comfortable.

1:27  A human and a robot join hands in solidarity. Or lust. Stay tuned.

1:29  First shot of will.i.am wearing a “King” crown in a room with more lights and mirrors than Imelda Marcos had shoes.

1:37  Shot of one of those machines that can create full-dimensional images out of nothing, with this example being a human head. Is this how music producers plan to create pop starts of the future? Is this how Republicans are already producing candidates?

1:41  A champagne bottle that is also a rocket-launcher. I think.

1:49  What has that backup dancer been straddling that would make him walk like that?

1:58  A female Creature from the Black Lagoon uses an ax to smash a golden disco ball. This could mean a number of things, but I think all of the explanations would somehow include Lady Gaga in the police lineup.

2:05  We start getting scenes from a nightclub where everyone is angry and no one is wearing their own hair.

2:09  More product placement, this time a camera with a plaid design and nice gold accents. That’s a link that I might actually click on.

2:14  More of the angry nightclub, which actually reminds me of the opening scenes of The Hunger. Sadly, most of the people involved with this video weren’t even born when that movie came out. Let’s have a moment of silence for my decaying body and mind.

2:19  More line dancing. Maybe it’s just me, but you would think people would look a little happier when thrusting their hips in synchronization while music plays. What kind of school did these people go to?

2:25  Several members of the nightclub crowd suddenly realize that they have all dated the same guy.

2:33  will.i.am channeling Wesley Snipes from Blade. At least the first movie. They got a little bit cray-cray after that.

2:50  will.i.am looks terrified at the possibility that Britney and her circus outfit might not be wearing any panties. This is my own interpretation. Discuss amongst yourselves.

2:56  Another example of the “Britney, bitch!” shout-out, this time with two of the backup dancers spray-painting the phrase on a wall in case any of the viewers are hearing-impaired. How thoughtful.

3:10  An image of what appears to be one of Dr. Dre’s “Beats” boomboxes belching smoke. Is somebody dissing somebody? Or is this a tribute to the people of Colorado who can now legally purchase weed at their local electronics outlet? (Hey, it cuts down on pollution if you don’t have to make two stops on the way home from work, sayin.)

3:24  will.i.am doing something on the hood of one of those fancy cars where the doors open up instead of sideways. Personally, I’ve never cared for those things. Mainly because I’m the fool who would forget about the door direction and give myself a concussion just trying to get into the damn car.

3:35  will.i.am is still invested in wearing a crown and singing in that one room that looks like Grand Central Station on crack.

3:36  More cameras.

3:41  More shots of the mistreatment of golden disco balls.

3:42  A futuristic hunting lodge where the trophies on the wall are the participants in this video. Didn’t see that coming, and don’t know where it’s going.

3:53  Britney and her bubble butt perched atop a giant spinning marshmallow. Or something like that.

3:55  Britney and her circus outfit manage to levitate burning golden disco balls. Now that I have written the oddest line ever on my blog, I can probably retire.

3:57  Maybe not. One of the burning balls just ate will.i.am’s head.

4:10  Britney demonstrates where the emergency exits are located on the plane.

4:13  Britney poses on her hands and knees. Her hair does not.

4:19  A backup dancer sporting startling crotch-décor invites us to join him and his drugs on the dance floor.

4:27  will.i.am uses a strange device to shoot cobwebs into the air that ensnare lifeless people around him. Where do you get one of those things? I could sure use one at work.

4:41  End trans.

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