Okay, folks, this
one is crammed full of fun images as well as Britney singing in an odd British
accent for no apparent reason and name-checking herself as “Britney, bitch!” as
often as she possibly can. But there’s absolutely no story line, so we’ll have
to do the time-stamp thing. And here we go…
0:01 wili.i.am
appears first (because it’s his song, natch), wearing a ball cap that appears
to be eating his head. I personally don’t care for couture with teeth, but to
each his own.
0:02 Britney
debuts her new hairdo, something that probably required 46 stylists and a
temporary disruption in the gravitational pull of the planet.
0:05 Somebody is
playing with the special effects button on their video editor, so we have an
army of will.iams and Britneys lining up to kick our ass if we don’t like their
song.
0:10 will.i.am
does a product demo for a new computer line with a giant touch-screen that
involves butterfly icons and the international warning symbol for “don’t go in
this room, bad things have happened”.
0:15 Another
lineup of Britneys, showing that she hasn’t eaten a solid meal since 2004.
0:19 Britney is
demonstrating a new sign language that was developed just to go along with her
aggressive hair.
0:25 Side view of
the hair, in case you need to print out a copy of it for your next visit to
Fantastic Sam’s. I’m sure they’ll be able to recreate it, no problem.
0:29 Britney shows
us the proper way to serve dinner in a fancy restaurant, one that employs
waitresses who have previously appeared as villains in James Bond movies.
0:31 We get quick
images of people we don’t know, warming up to do something. I smell an upcoming
line dance, you?
0:34 Britney is
trying to determine the correct setting for her Sleep Number bed.
0:38 will.i.am,
running through an abandoned set from The
Matrix.
0:42 Oh look,
Britney has joined him on that set, wearing an abandoned ice-skating outfit
with tufts of poofy black fur that accent her womanly wi-fi hot spots.
0:48 will.i.am
shows us his special hand jewelry that spells out the title of the song. That’s
some serious bling right there. And heavy. How you gonna raise the roof if you
can’t lift your arms?
0:53 Random
product placement featuring a bright yellow camera that has a keyboard and some pre-loaded video
content apparently showing will.i.am using an ATM at 3 in the morning.
0:57 And there’s a
group shot of those random dancer people. Whoops, they disappeared. I guess
they haven’t practiced enough yet. I’m sure we’ll see them in a bit.
1:06 An odd
machine that appears to be an electronic tablet attached to an old-fashioned
typewriter from the days when “Model T” meant those new-fangled automobiles and
not a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
1:10 will.i.am or
Spike Lee? You decide.
1:14 And here we
finally go with the line dancers. They seem to be very insistent about
something, I’m just not sure what it is yet.
1:25 Why does that
one dancer have a golden Dixie cup on her head? That can’t be very comfortable.
1:27 A human and a
robot join hands in solidarity. Or lust. Stay tuned.
1:29 First shot of
will.i.am wearing a “King” crown in a room with more lights and mirrors than
Imelda Marcos had shoes.
1:37 Shot of one
of those machines that can create full-dimensional images out of nothing, with
this example being a human head. Is this how music producers plan to create pop
starts of the future? Is this how Republicans are already producing candidates?
1:41 A champagne
bottle that is also a rocket-launcher. I think.
1:49 What has that
backup dancer been straddling that would make him walk like that?
1:58 A female
Creature from the Black Lagoon uses an ax to smash a golden disco ball. This
could mean a number of things, but I think all of the explanations would
somehow include Lady Gaga in the police lineup.
2:05 We start
getting scenes from a nightclub where everyone is angry and no one is wearing
their own hair.
2:09 More product
placement, this time a camera with a plaid design and nice gold accents. That’s
a link that I might actually click on.
2:14 More of the
angry nightclub, which actually reminds me of the opening scenes of The Hunger. Sadly, most of the people
involved with this video weren’t even born when that movie came out. Let’s have
a moment of silence for my decaying body and mind.
2:19 More line
dancing. Maybe it’s just me, but you would think people would look a little
happier when thrusting their hips in synchronization while music plays. What
kind of school did these people go to?
2:25 Several
members of the nightclub crowd suddenly realize that they have all dated the same
guy.
2:33 will.i.am
channeling Wesley Snipes from Blade.
At least the first movie. They got a little bit cray-cray after that.
2:50 will.i.am
looks terrified at the possibility that Britney and her circus outfit might not
be wearing any panties. This is my own interpretation. Discuss amongst
yourselves.
2:56 Another
example of the “Britney, bitch!” shout-out, this time with two of the backup
dancers spray-painting the phrase on a wall in case any of the viewers are
hearing-impaired. How thoughtful.
3:10 An image of
what appears to be one of Dr. Dre’s “Beats” boomboxes belching smoke. Is
somebody dissing somebody? Or is this a tribute to the people of Colorado who
can now legally purchase weed at their local electronics outlet? (Hey, it cuts
down on pollution if you don’t have to make two stops on the way home from
work, sayin.)
3:24 will.i.am
doing something on the hood of one of those fancy cars where the doors open up
instead of sideways. Personally, I’ve never cared for those things. Mainly
because I’m the fool who would forget about the door direction and give myself
a concussion just trying to get into the damn car.
3:35 will.i.am is
still invested in wearing a crown and singing in that one room that looks like Grand
Central Station on crack.
3:36 More cameras.
3:41 More shots of
the mistreatment of golden disco balls.
3:42 A futuristic
hunting lodge where the trophies on the wall are the participants in this
video. Didn’t see that coming, and don’t know where it’s going.
3:53 Britney and
her bubble butt perched atop a giant spinning marshmallow. Or something like
that.
3:55 Britney and
her circus outfit manage to levitate burning golden disco balls. Now that I
have written the oddest line ever on my blog, I can probably retire.
3:57 Maybe not.
One of the burning balls just ate will.i.am’s head.
4:10 Britney
demonstrates where the emergency exits are located on the plane.
4:13 Britney poses
on her hands and knees. Her hair does not.
4:19 A backup
dancer sporting startling crotch-décor invites us to join him and his drugs on
the dance floor.
4:27 will.i.am
uses a strange device to shoot cobwebs into the air that ensnare lifeless
people around him. Where do you get one of those things? I could sure use one
at work.
4:41 End trans.
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