Gotye, Kimbra - “Somebody That I Used To Know”

  We start out with the camera panning along the floor until we run across somebody’s bare foot. Intrigued, the camera works its way up the attached leg (very hairy, probably a guy, no promises), along the outer edge of a bare pelvis (oh my, didn’t see that coming), diagonally across the chest and onto the face of Gotye.

  He and his hair look very sad.

  He starts singing, keeping his mournful eyes cast downward so we don’t forget that he’s disappointed about something. Since the camera stays on his face for a very long time, we can’t help but notice that his mouth is very interestingly-shaped. Maybe this is why he changed his name from Walter to Gotye, so his name could be as interesting as his mouth. Who knows.

  Anyway, my orifice study is interrupted when Gotye suddenly looks up, and we see that he has stunningly-green eyes. This totally changes the meaning of the video, so I adjust my notes as Gotye warbles on in a low, quite tone that would be soothing if we weren’t fully aware that the man is completely naked.

  Suddenly, we cut away to some invisible hand drawing a brown line across the screen. Then lots of other lines come scrawling in from all directions, meeting up with their little friend in the middle, creating some pleasant but slightly boring little triangle shapes. Then we’re back with Gotye, who is currently not singing any lyrics. Maybe he’ll tell us what all that triangle mess was all about?

  Nope. We go back to the shapes, and now they are being filled in by more invisible hands, using lots of different colors. The imagery looks vaguely familiar, like its hinting at some particular artistic method that I would know about if I actually had any culture. While the artwork continues to spread, Gotye resumes his tragic tale about loss, mismanagement, and forgetfulness.

  Hold up, now the spreading artwork has moved from wherever it was to the wall directly behind Gotye, getting dangerously close to his unprotected and somewhat pale skin. Gotye doesn’t seem to care, though, because it’s time for the part of the song where he sings really loud and high, so he does, and that probably distracts him from noticing that the artwork has jumped onto his various limbs and is busily filling in its own colors.

  While Gotye continues with his angst over accusations and regret, the odd little triangles completely cover his body in the pattern that reminds me I shouldn’t have dropped out of college. He finishes up this bit of the song and just stands there, blending into the wall as the camera pans back, allowing us to see that Gotye has a companion, a woman off to his left who is also standing and blending.

  It’s fairly safe to assume that they know each other, since they are both naked and covered in similar artwork, so they probably run around in the same social circle and go to the same clubs. She’s facing the wall, though, so either she’s done something bad or she left her glasses on the nightstand.

  The woman turns her head to face Gotye, and we see that it’s Kimbra, and we also see that she has something to say, starting out with that classic intro line of being screwed over. As Gotye either winces in shame or is just blinking to keep the paint out of his eyes, Kimbra moves in and sing-growls her rebuttal directly into Gotye’s decorated ear.

  Then Gotye launches back into the loud part of the song as Kimbra harmonizes beside him, creating a nice singing painting that probably excited the stoners of the world immensely. Eventually, Kimbra has second thoughts about making music with the man that done her wrong, so she heads back to her part of the canvas and re-faces the wall. As Gotye finishes out the song, we watch the paint slowly disappear from Kimbra’s body, until nothing is left of the paint or their relationship.

  Nice, eh?


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Jessie J - “Domino”

  Note: This video is just Jessie on a single stage, singing and wearing a ton of different outfits, with the images delivered in a rapid-fire style that is truly remarkable from an editing standpoint, but a nightmare when it comes to telling a story. So we’ll just do the time-stamp thing with this one. (Time-stamps are approximate. That editor was firing off shots at about three per second…)

0:02  Jessie appears from behind Don King’s hair.

0:11  Jessie may have had vampire bats somewhere in her ancestry.

0:17  What is that puffy thing in her crotch?

0:20  Subtle orgasm #1.

0:25  Did Laura Ashley’s Goth sister just explode in here?

0:31  Cleopatra, before that stupid snake ruined everything.

0:42  Tribute to Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.

0:47  Perhaps she shouldn’t scrunch up her face like that.

0:53  Jessie as Butterfly Girl, the tragic 18th century courtesan who drank way too much absinthe.

1:05  Jessie really insists that you not come any closer.

1:07  Jessie shouldn’t stand like this if she wants people to take her seriously. (But I’m sure the Oompa Loompas love it.)

1:11 The evil side of Jessie laughs as a laser beam destroys the left half of the audience.

1:16  Subtle orgasm #2.

1:22  When did Kelly  Clarkson get here?

1:27  I guess somebody hung on to that Bedazzler contraption from back in the day.

1:31  Jessie is attacked by an angry alphabet.

1:42  And now we have Courtney Love dropping by. Did somebody leave a door open somewhere?

1:46  Ma-DON-na. Tick tock tick tock.

1:53  Jessie helps a very small plane land.

2:01  Great. Now we have three of them.

2:06  Jessie is trying out for the new Cirque du Soleil production of Madame Butterfly.

2:10  I’m trying, but I just can’t think of anything to say about the pink pajamas. Words fail.

2:17  And now we have Sally from Third Rock. Somebody needs to close that door, stat.

2:22  Did you need some Gas-X, honey? Hang on.

2:29  Wig a little itchy, girl?

2:33  Yep, I’m counting down Rick Santorum’s time in the spotlight as well.

2:47  I don’t think your arms are supposed to do that. Right?

2:50  Did your pantyhose just flat-line?

3:00  Ally Sheedy in a really bad mood.

3:04  And subtle orgasm #3.

3:10  If you spin her, I hope she lands on black.

3:13  Lily Tomlin, as a child.

3:21  I don’t care how much of a tantrum you throw, I’m not buying you the Barbie Malibu camper.

3:32  I don’t think I’d use that one as your profile pic.

3:35  And the last of our guest stars, Ashley Olsen.

3:45  What do you mean I have to quit singing now?

3:49  The power of Jessie’s booty completely destroys the soundstage.

End trans.


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T-Pain, Lily Allen, Wiz Khalifa - “5 O’Clock”

  Note: This is another video where there’s really not a whole lot happening, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing and search for little nuggets of insight as we bop along…

0:05  T-Pain is startled to find something in his pocket that is moving.

0:07  T-Pain does some product placement for a nifty wireless phone that you can see through. That sound you just heard is 400 million people on the planet racing to get their own version of this phone so they can be street and all.

0:14  Lily Allen makes her first appearance, in an odd shot that makes her look like a really tired babysitter or a heroin addict. I guess she’s all about being stark and pale.

0:17  T-Pain exits some place that, judging by the door he’s closing behind him, appears to be a monastery. I’m thinking someone might have misunderstood something in the script.

0:23  Lots of people are walking down a small street that looks suspiciously like that place in Spain where people get wired up by smashing tomatoes and then letting bulls run free and kill slow people.

0:27  Now that same street is empty, with just T-Pain moseying along in a designer raincoat. This is what happens when you are a famous recording star, people are forced to find a different way home when you decide to go for a walk.

0:35  T-Pain, still walking, and hopefully heading to wherever Lily Allen is babysitting, because she really didn’t look too happy about doing that.

0:43  T-Pain suddenly looks behind him and glares at someone who hasn’t bought one of his CD’s.

0:51  Now T-Pain is riding in a bicycle-driven carriage of some kind. I have no idea what this means, but there are little bits of yellow warning tape stuck all over the black bars of the carriage. (Is this a tribute to Wiz Khalifa or is this a really dangerous carriage that T-Pain should avoid?)

0:54  Another fuzzy shot of Lily’s chin.

1:00  A shot of the pedaling feet of the driver of the carriage. His shoes don’t look very happy, either. Why are people so depressed and unfocused in this video?

1:06  T-Pain stares at what might be a church in the distance. Is he not allowed to go in there? Is he a vampire? And if so, what team is he on? So many questions…

1:11  Lily looking sad in a chair. Girl really needs to get some new moves.

1:17  Another Lily chin shot. Ditto.

1:32  Lily leans against a wall and texts someone, because walking AND texting is far too complicated for anybody to have to put up with in modern society. The poor thing.

1:39  T-Pain is still in that carriage business. You know the bicycle guy is really regretting not finishing high school.

1:45  T-Pain is now walking past an apparent whorehouse, with scantily-clad nymphets posing in windows. Despite him trying to appear all faithful with the lyrics of the song, I’m thinking the dude really needs to explain why he has to walk past places where sluts are pressed against glass.

1:53  Wait, why is T-Pain back in the carriage. Was the editor drunk?

2:07  I don’t know where T-Pain is supposed to be standing in this shot, but there appears to be a side of beef dangling on the right side of the screen. Does he own cattle?

2:11  Lily fiddles with a big bowl of something that she really doesn’t want to eat.

2:21  T-Pain is singing to the side of beef. I guess this is something you really only understand if you can afford designer raincoats.

2:30  Some more product placement, this time involving a bottle of something called “Nuvo”. Did En Vogue get back together and release a line of perfume?

2:38  Shot of the back of Wiz Khalifa as he walks down a street. That dude is tall and looks like he hasn’t eaten since 1987.

2:45  T-Pain is back at that naughty-lady house. He really needs to get out of there if he ever expects Lily and her chin to respect him again.

2:55  Lily looking sad on a couch. Girl really needs to speak to somebody about adjusting her medication.

3:04  More of T-Pain in the carriage, more drunk editing.

3:12  Wait, is that the Uni-Bomber walking down the street? Did he get out early?

3:20  T-Pain and Wiz cross paths outside the bordello. Am I missing something about this part of town? Why is everybody there?

3:34  Wiz starts rapping his part of the song, which has something to do with… I’m not sure. Something about nudity and apparent truckloads of women that can’t wait have sex with him.

3:44  Wiz poses outside that cathouse, with the window-girls gyrating like they want nothing more than to break out of their little prisons and offer up their treasures.

3:52  Just me, or does Wiz look like Spike Lee, only taller? Wait, where has Spike been lately? Interesting…

3:56  Lily’s chin, because we haven’t seen it in a while and it’s a little lonely.

4:06  T-Pain in that damn carriage again. Why does he keep getting back in that thing when he knows Lily is expecting him in her House of Disappointment and Loss?

4:16  Wiz is rapping again, this time about not understanding why women don’t want sex every waking moment.

4:20  Shot of T-Pain racing down a sidewalk. (Now he’s in a hurry? Lily has been pining for him since the Mayflower hit that stupid rock…)

4:26  T-Pain lets himself into Lily’s sad penthouse, looking all furtive and stuff, taking off his designer raincoat so we can see that he’s wearing a sweater that just might represent the flag of one of those new countries that were created when the Soviet Union broke up.

4:35  T-Pain wanders into part of Lily’s penthouse that just screams “I must make more money than God if I can afford this place”.

4:37  T-Pain pauses to slap his translucent phone into a docking station, reminding us that we need to run out and get one or our lives will be meaningless.

4:45  T-Pain joins sad Lily on her sad bed, with the docking station showing that it’s only “5:01AM”, implying that he’s only a minute late. Really? Here’s the deal, if anybody shows up in my grill anywhere near five o’clock in the morning, there’s going to be harsh words and somebody getting beaten with an alarm clock. But that’s just me….


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