Kesha - "Tik Tok"

So we start out with some skeezy-looking girl waking up in a bathtub, not really sure where she’s at, but this does not stop her from quickly using one of the anonymous toothbrushes on the sink to “brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” Then she waves her ghetto-painted toenails in front of the camera and then slips on a pair of cowboy boots and little else.

So right away we know we’re dealing with a quality kind of girl, here. Top drawer. Or should I say top shelf?

Then she marches out of the bathroom with some swagger going on, and she quickly jacks with some pictures of a nice family that are hanging on the walls, so we can understand that she really doesn’t care about anybody or anything, but I think we understood that starting with the “waking up in the bathtub” bit.

Then she wanders down a flight of stairs in the house, singing about “boys blowing up my phone” and “trying to get a little bit tipsy”. Little bit? Honey, you look like you left “little bit” about five miles back.

She wanders into a breakfast room, where the family from the hanging pictures she violated is just trying to get some nutrition and worship Jesus. Her appearance causes the mom to drop a plate of pancakes, so we know that we clearly have the work of the devil going on here.

Skanky girl then sashays outside and steals a bicycle blinged-out in gold, because we all know you can always find such handy things out in the suburbs. Skank then rides the bling over to a group of wholesome kids who just want to play with balloons, but Skank convinces them that you really need a pimped-out ride if you’re going to make it anywhere in this world.

Then we have Skank looking all trashy while sitting on a curb in front of some wall, while she sings (if you can call it singing) about how all the boys want her because “I’ve already got beer and I’m already here.” Then some dudes drive up and pile out, having heard about the beer, and they all look like “beer” is the longest word they can spell.

But Skank is fine with that, and quickly jumps in the car with the most redneck of the posse, and they take off, driving around. Skank starts singing about “don’t touch my junk,” but this is a little hard to do when Skank is bouncing and thrusting her junk from here to Encino. Sooner or later the sheer gravitational pull of the Earth will result in some junk-touching.

Then the po-po pull the two over, and at first it doesn’t look good as Skank is thrown over the hood of the pimp-mobile and forced into a pair of handcuffs. Of course, this is done in a slutty way so that we basically see Skank’s junk that she’s been singing about all along.

Next thing you know, Skank and Redneck are zipping along the highways again, so either the po-po are really bad at their job, or they’re dead. This is never made clear. What IS clear is that Skank is able to party in the Redneck’s car by standing up through the sunroof and bouncing her ta-ta’s around in a psychotic frenzy. Skank also makes a lot of hand gestures to clarify that she is really proud of herself, in case you hadn’t figure that out yet.

Then, suddenly, the car is gone, and Skank is in some weird, stone-walled room where she appears to be wearing animal fur (PETA alert!) while little bits of something sprinkle down around her. She’s waving her hands around above her head like a really bad witch doctor that forgot to read the training manual.

This goes on for a while. They bring in a wind machine, and let Skank lie on her back and thrust her feet into the air, which I guess means that Skank is aroused by wind, stone walls, chunky confetti and the ability to raise her arms and wave them about.

Then we’re transported to a nightclub, where Skank informs us that “the party don’t start till I walk in.” Really? And what party is that? I’d like to know, so that I can make sure I never go there.

Skank dances all over this place, with her messy hair and runny mascara. We know it’s a real quality establishment, because people are drinking their adult beverages from plastic red cups, always a sign that no expense has been spared. The loser redneck from the run-in with the po-po (who might be dead, we don’t know) is in the club, so I guess Skank is a little sweet on him, even though she keeps singing about how there won’t be any junk-touching.

She keeps dancing. And as she gyrates around and we get a better look at this place, I’m seeing things that make me wonder if this is just somebody’s living room. There’s a mid-80’s ceiling fan and some very ugly couches. What was the budget on this video, anyway?

Lots more dancing and runny mascara, with Skank eventually working her way to the redneck and possibly offering her junk after all. Then some more clunky confetti falls down while people pass out around them.

Final scene shows Skank, trashed and missing some footwear, giggling in a bathtub and settling in for another night. She’s picked up an American flag somewhere, which she’s using as a sweatband or some such on her right ankle. Such a touch of class. Then she presumably goes into an alcoholic coma.

Good gawd.

Parents, send your girls to strict boarding schools with plenty of barbed-wire and severe nuns that resort to beating people with rulers. It’s got to have better results than this….


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Jay-Z, Alicia Keys - "Empire State of Mind"

This little ditty is a tribute to living in New York City, so we’re basically treated to a montage of iconic landmarks and sights in the Big Apple, while Jay-Z raps about what the city does and how it changes you. But there’s an entirely different story playing out if you know how to interpret certain scenes.

We start out with shots of various buildings and street signs while the music warms up, then Jay-Z finally begins to sing in front of some building that I don’t recognize. But it must be important to him since standing in front of the thing made him burst into a rap.

Then he’s suddenly standing on a street corner, comparing himself to Frank Sinatra and making hand gestures that might possibly have deep symbolic meaning, or it might be that he just always wanted to be a traffic cop. There’s not any traffic, though. Since he’s supposedly in the middle of NYC and yet there’s not a car in sight, this is obviously a dream sequence.

Then some shout-outs to the subway, Biggie Smalls, some guy from Texas, basketball, and the apparent fact that Jay-Z is the most famous person in the world. Then the music gets a little more dramatic and suddenly we have aerial shots as we zoom over the city. It’s apparently time for a major change in the story.

And it turns out to be Alicia Keys. She’s on a street corner, wailing the chorus and pounding on a really cool piano. This thing has the New York skyline around the sides and the Statue of Liberty on top. Very nice.

But she doesn’t have a bench to sit on while working the piano, which is kind of rude. You’d think they’d have money in the budget for furniture, especially when it involves a guest star. Poor thing.

More aerial shots of the city , which I’m now starting to think mean “we really weren’t sure what to use here, so we’ll use this nice stock footage we found.”

Back to Alicia at the piano, where she’ still wailing and still doesn’t have a place to sit. This time, there’s a suspicious white van driving slowly to her right. Does the Liberace estate need the piano back? Just then, Alicia really gets her groove on and starts making this rocking movement while she’s playing, which is enjoyable and all, but she keeps looking in the wrong place for the camera, so there are some focus issues.

Now Jay-Z is back, rapping about the Yankees and the NYPD, with appropriate still shots of both. In the middle of all that is a shot of Spike Lee. I don’t know if this means he’s a big Yankees fan as well or if he’s in trouble with the NYPD for NOT doing the right thing.

Then Jay-Z kicks up the rapping, starting to really let loose with a ton of words while Alicia tries gyrating faster and faster at the piano to keep up. Some of the words in this section were annoyingly bleeped in the video version that I reviewed, so there might be something lost in translation, but Jay-Z sure knows a lot of names for taxi cabs and things that can be sold on the streets.

Brief shot of what appears to be a pregnant man, with an expression that indicates he just broke water while stepping off a curb. This is followed by Jay-Z with a whole lot of words that were not bleeped but I didn’t understand a single one of them. I think I heard “Jesus“ in there, so perhaps Jay-Z was spreading the gospel, not sure.

And here comes Alicia with the chorus again, and this time she’s joined on the street corner by Jay-Z and his hand movements. But the piano is gone. See, you turn your back for two seconds in this city and people take things.

During the “these streets will make you feel brand new” part of the chorus, Alicia starts bucking her hips like she’s got a really bad itch. Apparently “brand new” equals “horny” in Alicia’s world. She looks good, and the hair is rockin, but honey, take care of that itch.

Then Jay-Z is in a high-rise office with a view, looking all Ivy League. Based on the words, he’s letting people know that this city can turn you, so be careful with your life choices. Interestingly enough, all of the images during this part of the song are women, and the words are all about women going bad and turning into whores. Not a peep about what the men can turn into. Hmm.

Chorus again. This time Alicia and Jay-Z are gyrating around on a giant staircase lit up with red lights. (Are they warning lights? Is Alicia about to get turned bad by the city?) No, guess not, the two of them are just waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care how much something costs anymore. Woo hoo!

More aerial shots. (More “not sure what to put here”.)

Hey, the piano’s suddenly back, and Alicia’s singing something besides just the chorus. And she has quite a bit to say, along with lots of choreography and hair swinging. Still no bench, though.

Then it’s the chorus again. We haven’t heard from Jay-Z in a while. We’ve had a few glimpses of him making those hand movements and watching Alicia do things with her pelvis. But really, Alicia’s been doing more singing than him. Shouldn’t this be an Alicia Keys song featuring Jay-Z? I really don’t know what the rules are, here. Just asking.

And after the final chorus, we’re back on the giant lit-up staircase, with both of them doing some hand moves and then Jay-Z throws his arm around Alicia while she assumes what she hopes is a street pose, but really looks like something Salt N Pepa did back in the day. Jay-Z raises one hand in the air in what might be a victory sign or some type of fight the power gesture, but really looks like “this is how you stand on the subway”.

Moral of the story? If you move to New York City, be prepared for it to change your life, make sure you bring your own bench because nobody is going to just give you one, keep an eye on your piano, and make sure your agent fully understands the extent of your singing responsibilities before you sign anything. Word.


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Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"

Holy cow this is a busy video. So let’s get going…

We start out with all these freaky-looking people in a white room. For those of you who know movie history, think Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” crossed with any movie that Ken Russell ever directed. No one looks very happy but that’s not stopping them from posing artfully…

We zoom in on Gaga, and I do mean zoom in. You can almost see France, if you know what I’m saying. The camera closes in on her fingers with weird chicken-wire nail polish as she pushes a button on this thing, and then all hell breaks loose.

First we have several shots of these odd pod things (maybe tanning beds? incubators for the Gaga army that is about to take over the world?) mixed with shots of alcohol bottles. Then a helpful title appears explaining that this is the “Bath Haus of Gaga”. Really? I never even want to go there and I’ve only seen ten seconds of it. Please take me off your mailing list. Thanks.

The pods open, and hoo boy, some surprising little things crawl out. They’re human, thankfully, but they appear to be sheathed in white latex. Even their faces are covered and the top of their heads have white spiky things. They start to line dance, with Lady as the lead dancer, which I guess you would naturally do when exiting a pod at the Gaga Bath Haus. No telling where this is going now.

Oh, looks like we’re going to a bathtub, where Lady is sporting an Annie Lennox on acid hairdo and proving that she is very limber by basically throwing her leg over her head. We also have another room where Lady is dressed in black and singing to herself in a mirror, with a black spiky hat that sort of matches the dancing pod people. So she’s a bad pod person?

Now we cut between the three: the line-dancing white pod people, the Lady that just wants to be clean, and the Lady that just wants to look at herself in a mirror (oh, and sort of play with her nether region just because she can). This goes on for a while.

Side note: the quick cut where Bathtub Lady is looking off to the side and then rolls her head forward and does the thing with her eyes? Totally wild, and possibly my favorite bit in this video crammed full of images designed to impress you with the fact that Lady Gaga’s life is obviously way more exciting than your own.

Just as we kick into the chorus (I guess it’s the chorus. It’s hard to tell with Lady Gaga songs.) some rude women break in and try to drag Bathing Lady out of the bathtub. (She just wants to be clean, people, let her scrub the dirtiness away if she wants to.) She puts up a fight but they eventually get her out and tear off her blouse to show their displeasure with her actions.

Yes, Bathtub Gaga was bathing while clothed. Just accept and go on. To show HER displeasure with their rudeness and the rending of her garment, Lady then thrusts her breasts at the interlopers. This is now officially a catfight, so the rude women up the ante by forcing Bathtub Lady to drink some mysterious clear liquid.

In the mean time, we have another version of Lady Gaga, this one surprisingly free of avant garde outfits and accessories. And she’s acting all emo. Is this Vulnerable Gaga? Does such a thing exist? Is this a trick?

Okay, now we’ve got another Lady Gaga, or maybe this is one we’ve already seen, it’s getting very confusing. This one is sporting an outfit covered in graffiti. But rude go-go booted women rip it off of her, so maybe this is really Bathtub Gaga, since there were rude women in the bathtub scenes. Once the graffiti is gone, we see that this version of Gaga is sporting skimpy beaded thingies that really don’t cover much. Then the rude women pick her up and lug her to a group of men.

While Beaded Gaga and her cohorts suddenly start line-dancing for the men, we get shots of another Gaga, or maybe an extra, don’t know, who is nude, looking really anorexic, and I think she’s taking a shower, but I don’t really see any water. Whatever she’s doing, she’s very skinny.

Beaded Gaga and the Gaga-Ettes continue to line dance for the men, eventually ending up on their knees crawling toward the men while Gaga sings “I want your love.” That’s great for the self-esteem, crawl up to a group of men, begging for their love. Do these women realize they can actually vote these days?

Oh, it turns out that these men are actually bidding to “win” Lady Gaga, as we can see by the voting results on convenient laptops off to one side. (At first, I thought Lady Gaga was just obnoxiously showing her sky-rocketing profits. I had to rewind.) One of the guys apparently wins, but first the women have to do another line dance. Not sure why. Maybe it’s protocol.

It’s a long line dance. While this is going on, we get jump scenes of Lady Gaga in lots of other outfits. (The costume budget on this video must have been enormous.) We have Gaga in black bra and panties, standing still in a frozen spray of ice cubes while the camera circles. There’s Gaga in some type of metal gear where I think she’s explaining the solar system.

And then we have Gaga in this golden outfit that is totally out there, with a hairdo that looks like she has a loaf of bread shoved up in that mess and making her look like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of “Dracula”. My guess is that most of the fashion budget went right there.

Eventually we get to the part where Gaga has to go… sleep? trade outfits?… with the guy who bought her. And we start jump-cutting all over the place. We re-visit almost all of the Gaga’s, and there’s a new batch of line dancers, this time dressed in skimpy red but just as flexible as the other team.

As Purchased Gaga approaches the bed where the winner is waiting, she apparently uses her mystical powers to set the bed on fire. (I hope the poor guy bought the maintenance plan for this product as well, because I don‘t think the regular warranty is going to cover destruction of bedding.) The jump-cutting to all the Gaga’s intensifies, but mostly focuses on the red line dancers where Gaga has picked up yet another hairdo somewhere along the way.

Final scene has one of the Gaga’s (I have no idea) in the scorched bed. Her purchaser is just bones, but she seems to be fine other than her breasts appear to be short-circuiting. The camera slowly pans backwards while a snippet of classical music plays, yet another tribute to film-making, and another reminder that Lady Gaga is all about The Art.

Lesson learned? Take a bath at home. You’ll be glad you did. There’s no need to bathe in a public setting, because it will just lead to singing, dancing and death by fire.


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Pitbull - "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"

Okay, this IS Pitbull, after all, so you know this is going to be a series of hot women tripping over themselves to get to him, but we’ll try to find the artistic quality in it all, okay? Perhaps we can find the inner beauty and personal motivation for each of these lovely ladies. Let’s try that angle.

First we have a woman in a green and gold cheerleader outfit-thingy with yellow high heels. She’s apparently proud of Brasil and she wants to dance about her patriotism. This tribute includes running her fingers through her long hair and making seductive faces.

Insert Pitbull showing that he can count, looking all gangsta.

The cheerleader is back and she’s making out with the Brazilian flag. She loves her country.

Then we have another woman in what appears to be a black-leather airline pilot uniform. Her dance seems to indicate that when she grows up, she would like to help people fly around the world to see their loved ones. And she can count as well!

There are brief glimpses of a woman in some black spandex clingy outfit. We don’t really see enough of her to fully understand her aspirations in life, but she can wiggle her hips and pout her lips. I’m thinking there are a few careers where she can utilize those talents, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

We also get a few shots of a woman in what I believe is called a “baby doll” dress. It probably has a fancier name. She doesn’t seem really interested in being in this video, not smiling or anything. She’s possibly been assigned the “hard to get” role, but she just looks bored.

Oh, look, they just did a tribute to the “Brady Bunch” with the hot women stacked in boxes like the opening of the TV show. That’s cute.

Then we have more of Pitbull acting street, counting, messing with a video camera, and allowing the hot women to touch him in suggestive ways while he stands there and looks disinterested.

Now we have a montage of so many women, I can’t even begin to profile them. They are mostly posing seductively in various states of undress, and making sure we understand that they have ample breasts. Duly noted.

Then there’s a woman in what I believe is a tinfoil two-piece bathing suit. She seems to be proud of several things. She can move her hips while disappearing off the top of the video, she has a tattoo leading into her butt crack, and she is able to face different directions and still maintain her balance.

And now we have biker chicks who really love their big machines. They happy to be ridin', yes they are.

Several scenes are beautifully done to help us understand that Pitbull greatly enjoys three-way sexual encounters. (With women, of course. There’s not another man in this entire video, just tons of busty women that could probably raise the Titanic with all the hydraulics they’ve got going on.)

Warning: Right about two and a half minutes in, a giant breast pokes in from the right side of the screen. It’s somewhat alarming and unexpected, so I thought I’d warn you.

More counting and confirmations that three-ways with women are greatly desired by bilingual rappers who shave their heads.

Wow, that one girl is REALLY oiled up. I hope she understands that she needs to stay away from open flames.

And the song fades away with more dancing, more women realizing their dreams, more limited counting, (Does anyone in this video realize that there are numbers higher than four? Do they have dances that are appropriate for those numbers as well?), and tons of buoyant anatomy saluting the manliness of Pitbull.

But really, folks, if you were just looking for an instructional video to teach your children the joys of counting, stick with Sesame Street. They’ll be better off.

Now, if I can just get that annoying “blah blah blah blah-blah PING” noise out of my head…


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Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody"

  Okay, we start off in some penthouse living room thing where people are watching…

  Whoops, now we’re not there anymore. Suddenly, we’re in some type of aircraft and the pilot is either drunk or just very confused as we zip in and around tall buildings in a large city. Then we start seeing jump cuts of the band getting ready for either a show or some type of therapy. You never know with these music types. One day you have a hit single on the radio and virgins are professing their undying love because they have focus issues, the next day you’re in rehab and preparing for your guest role on the latest series about “what happens to people who make a lot of money too fast”.

  Quick shot of a shirtless somebody lying on some floor. Hey, where are his legs?

  More crazy flying through the city night. Brief shot of a half-naked couple being intimate. If the producers are taking audience-participation votes, I’d say we ixnay the “Top Gun” action and remain on the ground, even if it means more footage of people we don’t know on the verge of procreating.

  Finally, the flying and the music settles down and we get to the opening vocals. We have a tight close-up on the lead singer’s face, which is supposed to signify that he’s very emotional and really into these words. It’s very soothing after the loud craziness of the first thirty or so seconds, but I won’t be surprised if we’re suddenly back on Air Force One and Harrison Ford has to do something very heroic at just the right time or we all die.

  Then we start jump-cutting again, and we’re bouncing back and forth between the crazy plane and people sitting around in the penthouse living room. Still not sure what those penthouse people are doing. It’s very dark and they look bored. Maybe if they turned on some lights they could see enough to realize that their party host sucks when it comes to planning a festive evening.

  Okay, now they’re cutting in brief shots of a concert, so it’s about time for the big blow-out on stage that most of these videos eventually get to. (So far, you can’t really call this the most original video ever created, but at the same time, most of these videos are “directed by” and “produced by” people who don’t know a single thing about artistry and musicianship, so they go into management, just like the real world.)

  And then we have the big “jamming on the stage” sequence just as the wailing chorus kicks in. The camera is all over the place, naturally, to create excitement. Otherwise, it’s just people standing there with instruments, and with today’s attention-deficit society you have to have excitement and movement or many folks just doze off due to their medication.

  Shot of people at what looks like a clinic, with guys hugging each other as they’ve apparently just heard positive test results concerning something. Or maybe they just like excuses to hug. It’s not my place to judge.

  Now the band is at some bar, where people are playing pool and smoking an incredible amount of cigarettes. Oh, and drinking beer. They keep love-tapping their bottles together so we don’t miss the beer part. And they’re playing foosball as well. We seem to be having a party in 1978.

  Back to the actual concert footage, which is mostly in black and white, so somebody was at least trying to be a little artistic. Those guys REALLY like doing the wailing chorus bit, which is fine. It’s the best part of the song, and if we’d all participated in the beer consumption in the previous scene, we’d be wailing as well. And maybe even hugging.

  More jump cuts. Bar scenes with beer bottles, people getting in a snazzy red car, more intimacy, another shot of the people celebrating test results at the clinic. Or maybe they’re praying, not really sure. And now the snazzy car is racing around town. These people have a thing for speed and blurry lights.

  Jump cuts continue. Shot of the desert at night, some dude doing push ups, more intimacy. Whoa, some guy in the shower, didn’t see that coming. More speeding and blurriness. Close-up of a guitar being played. Then we have some guy in his underwear, because who can pass up a shot like that? That will be all over the Internet within seconds, with less-endowed people using it as their profile pic on skeezy dating sites where everybody lies because horniness makes you do stupid things.

  This montage continues for a while. Blurring. Intimacy. People salting something. And we can see that the bored people in the penthouse are still bored and we don’t know why they can’t just get up and go somewhere fun. Has somebody issued a restraining order that is forcing these folks to be in the same room even though they clearly don’t want to be?

  Finally, the music all dies down and the lead singer is emoting the final lines of the song. Love his interesting voice, but it sure looks like it is physically painful for him to sing these words, his face all scrunched-up and such, like Nellie Oleson on “Little House on the Prairie” when she and her horrid hair didn’t get her way.

  Maybe he should go visit that clinic where people get test results that make them happy. I’m sure somebody there can help. Or at least give him a hug….

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Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"

So we start out at a church wedding, where Katy is about to get married. The music hasn't started yet, so we're not yet sure if this is supposed to be arty or if someone forgot to turn the sound on. But one of the bridesmaids is a drag queen, so I'm thinking things will perk up in a bit.

Katy, looking innocent and glowing, says her "I do". Then it's time for her beau to make his commitment. There's a very long pause, reaction shots of concerned people around the church, even the little flower girl is looking at him like, dude, YOUR TURN.

When it's clear that he's not going to answer, the music finally kicks in and the whole church starts to boogie as Katy breaks out into song. So we go through the whole first part of the song, with Katy dissing the scumbag who was her true beloved just two minutes ago.

We get to the chorus as the beau breaks free and runs down the aisle, not so much that he's afraid of Katy but more that he wants to get away from old people trying to break dance. Katy clearly isn't finished with her song, so she has no choice but to chase after him.

As Katy and the giant bow she is wearing clatters along behind him, the beau turns a corner and slams into a man dressed as a hot dog. I don't know what message was intended by this little mishap, but I'm glad it happened. People dressed as food are creepy, and they should be knocked to the ground whenever possible.

Katy realizes she's getting nowhere fast in her pinchy high heels, so she steals a pink bike conveniently left near the violated hot dog man. She catches up to her beau as he slips in the back door of some building. (There are no signs to indicate where we are, so either the budget was very low or the prop people were drunk again.)

Turns out the beau has come upon a concert, and the people in the audience immediately grab him and crowd surf him toward the stage. Where Katy is magically on stage, singing more of the song. The wedding dress is gone, and she's now decked out in some retro-80's vinyl and metal gear. We keep getting close-up shots of Katy's waist. No idea why.

Time for the chorus again, and now we're in a garage of some kind. Katy's back in her wedding dress, along with a bunch of backup dancers dressed as brides. They all have really runny mascara and are waving baseball bats in time to the beat. While Katy stands in a car, the dancers do some crappy dance moves involving the bats and a lot of finger pointing.

Then they all converge on the beau, and Katy sings in his face while the dancers march in a big circle around them, making what looks like rude hand gestures expressing displeasure. Obviously nobody lost any sleep over whether this choreography made any sense.

Whoa, now the bride dancers have also found some convenient pink bikes, and everybody is riding one, looking all demonic and wobbly, barrelling toward the beau. He runs for his life, but suddenly stops to answer his cell phone. Like all of us would do when being chased by angry estrogen on wheels.

It's Katy, determined to sing more of her song. I guess home boy gets streaming video on his phone, because there she is in living color, wailing away in her runny mascara. (Katy does her best acting here, really loved the hand motion during the "roller coaster" line. As for the beau's acting? I've seen better emotion from a crock pot.)

He finally hangs up, runs some more, then turns a corner onto a sound stage that's supposed to look like, I don't know, a not-so-classy playground in the Bronx. But hey, all the dancers are having fun here, dressed in street gear and doing lots of pop-and-lock moves.

Then all hell breaks loose as we start jump-cutting all over the place. The bride dancers show back up, doing something stupid in a V-formation. Then we have some crazed hula-hooping little girls and more 80's girls on roller skates. More shots of the strange concert and Katy's belly.

Everybody seems to be having a great time, I'll give them that. I believe the director just said "okay, now I want you to do whatever you think looks hip and rhythmic, and smile a lot like you just got the government check." And do they ever.

The song ends with somebody rudely knocking the beau to the ground. He looks up to find Katy wearing lots of eye shadow and leading a zebra toward him while a rainbow fills the sky behind her. I'm sure this means something. I'll have to get back to you.

Then we're back in the church, where everyone is actually still waiting for the beau to say his "I do." Of course he says it, and the whole church cheers. Because now she's HIS problem and we can all get on with our lives.


Editor's Note:  This is another one of those slightly-older videos where the version I reviewed is no longer available on YouTube, at least not in a decent-quality clip. Sort of makes you wonder why these people play copyright games with each other instead of letting the fans enjoy the videos. Sad, really...

Lifehouse - "Whatever It Takes"

Okay, so we start out with lots of cut shots showing mundane things you would see in a typical apartment: pictures on the wall, cooking essentials, a bag of chips, a microwave. No real clues yet on where we might be heading. The lead singer is sitting in a bedroom.

Then suddenly the lead singer is strumming his guitar while surrounded by a variety of table lamps. Are they doing a benefit concert at Pottery Barn? He's not even singing yet and I don't know what's going on.

Then we get better views of the apartment, and the theme is industrial, concentration camp, and creepy. Okay, this song is about him doing whatever it takes to keep somebody, and I'm gonna have to say the first item on the checklist should be hire a designer that knows how to use color.

He finally starts singing, and we jump back and forth from Stalag 17 to the Pottery Barn concert to Free Tibet. What is the obsession with accent lighting?

Then he breaks into the chorus, and suddenly the pictures on the wall and various other objects around the bedroom start exploding into bits. What the hell?

Finally the apparently deadly chorus ends, and the lead singer moves into the kitchen. (We get close-ups of his grunge-booted feet actually walking, not sure why.) He paws the kitchen counter, and then fiddles with a picture of him and some girl, and I'm assuming she's the object of his affection. (Gotta say the girl is right to have reservations about the relationship, especially now that we know his singing can cause destruction.)

And there he goes with the chorus again, and all kinds of crap is blowing up all over the kitchen. Cheerios flying, milk gushing, condiments all in a tizzy. I'm really starting to hate this chorus. People could die.

And more shots of him playing his guitar with the pottery barn lamps. Okay, symbolism can be fun and interesting. Confusion is just... confusion.

Oh wait, now he's singing again, and all of the things that previously exploded all over the apartment are miraculously reassembling themselves and everything is all pretty again.

Then he's back in the bedroom, and the girl from the kitchen picture is slumbering peacefully behind him while he sits on the end of the bed. He reaches over and wakes her up (rude, dude). She beams up at him, they hold hands, and the lead singer turns back to the camera and looks happy and satisfied.

Loved that final shot, touching. But everything up to that point? What the hell?


Editor's Note: This is the place where you would normally click to see the video on YouTube, but for some odd reason you can no longer find the original video that I reviewed. No idea what happened, but I'm guessing there was some type of litigation and a copyright holder got pushy. You'll just have to do the visuals in your head...

Leona Lewis - "Bleeding Love"

We zoom in on a residential building, and we get glimpses of several women in their apartments, each of them in various states of undress as well as emotion. The camera finally comes to rest on Leona, sprawled out on a hallway floor, wearing a really pretty dress. (Girl, you don’t DO that in couture. Get your ass off the ground.)

But Leona’s stubborn, so she starts to sing and play with her hair instead of getting up. When she finally does, the wall color is different, so either somebody messed up or she has special powers and can walk through walls.

Cut to a crying woman on her unmade bed, looking at photos, which I think we’re supposed to take as proof that her man is seeing somebody else. Not clear, and I’m distracted by the fact that her sheets are half off the mattress. She sloppy. Then the drums kick in, and I’m much more interested in that.

Leona’s back on the floor in the first hallway.

Then we’re in another apartment, with a sobbing woman sporting enough mascara to re-tar the roof of Buckingham Palace. Her man comes in the door (hey wait, is that the guy in the photos?), and she throws some wadded up panties at him that are (presumably) not hers.

Okay, better shot of Leona in the second hallway, and she IS wearing a different dress. So now I guess the explanation is that she’s quick doing costume changes in the lobby during the bits when people are crying over photos on a tacky bed or throwing panties across the room.

Quick shot from the side of the building and we see a total of four angry women in apartments, so I guess Leona has at least two more costume changes as the stories unfold.

Back to mattress girl, who is now jumping on the bed and throwing the photos around. (I would get spanked for doing that, just sayin.) And panty girl throws her cheatin man out the door. (He stands outside the slammed door and looks confused. Dude, those weren’t her panties, so unless they are YOURS, you don’t live here anymore.)

More shots of Leona in the golden hallway. (She really likes to play with her hair.) Not sure why she’s rubbing up against the walls and all, and at one point I do believe she was humping a radiator. And she can’t seem to stand up on her own, leaning against the wall like she’s really tired. (Was there alcohol at the craft services table?)

Brief glimpse of a third woman, so we’re about to get her story, but first Leona, in a new outfit (think Barbarella) wanders into a bedroom, flops on her back on the bed, and then sings a line while arching her back and shoving her breasts up to Jesus. The height she achieves is amazing. Seriously, stop the video at 1:42.

Okay, time for third girl’s story. Jerk from the photos and the hurled panties walks up to her door, she opens it and they immediately begin sucking face. Then they jump on the bed and whoopee ensues. I guess they know each other.

More shots of Leona roaming the halls. She’s not wearing a back brace, which kind of surprises me after the athletics of her previous scene. She’s got a new outfit, of course, so we’re about to see the fourth girl. And it looks like somebody found her some coffee, because she’s not sliding along the walls as much.

Final girl is sitting on HER bed, wearing pantyhose with giant white circles, waiting for the phone to ring and checking her watch. Honey, whoever you’re waiting for is not going to show up until you take those awful pantyhose off and burn them. Or you can at least throw them at somebody. Girl #2 can give you tips on how to do that.

Quick shot of Girl #3 still flopping around with the Jerk, and hey, they’re right next door to pantyhose girl. You wanna call this one or should I?

Lots of shots of Leona again, with her hair blowing wildly, even though she’s inside and not near a window. Thankfully, she’s not using her breasts to recreate part of Mt. Rushmore in this scene.

Okay, then we get really busy. Let’s see, some guy walks in on Jerk and #3 and there’s a scuffle, Bed Girl lights all the photos on fire, and Pantyhose Girl tries to drown herself in the bathtub. This is getting serious. Luckily, Bed Girl catches that bed on fire and the sprinklers go off.

This calms down Bed Girl, stops the fight in Girl #3’s boudoir of shame, and allows Leona to dance around in the streaming water, twirling, singing and shimmying. Quick shot of Leona’s feet sporting very high heels made out of golden chain-link fencing. Somebody paid big bucks for those, so they had to have their own cameo.

Oh, and the beau that Pantyhose girl was waiting on DOES show, it’s somebody we haven’t seen so he’s most likely a nice guy innocently visiting a house of madness. And happily, since the fire sprinklers are still going, Pantyhose Girl doesn’t have to explain that she’s dripping wet because she just tried to kill herself over the fact that her date was ten minutes late.

I now fully understand why Leona keeps, keeps bleeding. Don’t you? Thought so.


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Kelly Clarkson - "My Life Would Suck Without You"

So Kelly’s on a swing in a park, and at first it seems she’s watching some young kids frolic about, but then you quickly realize that it’s daytime in their park and night in hers. So either she can see really far, or these things did not take place at the same time.

Oh, and the kids are doing something with a bracelet, but it’s not real clear what that might be. Perhaps they are making a pact of friendship, or maybe it’s a livestock transaction in Ancient Greece.

Now Kelly is wearing that same bracelet, only now she’s in an apartment, answering the door. It’s some guy, and she waves keys in front of him and then runs all over the house while he tries to catch her. (Maybe this scene was supposed to be for the kids and somebody got the script pages messed up.)

Shots of Kelly in the night-time swing again. She must like it there.

Back to the apartment, where Kelly finally throws the keys in the toilet. (I’m still thinking the script is jacked.)

And then, HEY, Kelly’s on stage for the chorus. Girl looks hawt, with the lights and the wind machine and the zooming cameras. This is much better than people running and swinging.

Sadly, the chorus eventually ends, and we’re back in the apartment. Kelly and the Key-Wanter are on the couch, and she decides he’s been reading too much or something and snatches away his Juggs magazine. Then she hits him with it and throws it out the window. She mean.

More shots of her swinging.

He throws something of hers out the window, I think, can’t really tell because her hair is in the way. Then she’s racing through the house, grabbing up other things of his and chunking 'em out the window. Come on, people. Is all of this really necessary?

Back to the more-fun chorus on stage, and a little relief, but this time they include cut shots of them still cleaning out the closets and throwing crap onto the street. Kelly even gets dangerously close to throwing a fishbowl, with live fish, out the window. And we would have to hate her a little bit if she did that, even if it’s only a pretend music video, because that’s just wrong. Bad Kelly.

Key Man saves the day at the last minute by snatching out the guppy (isn’t that a Jamaican song?) at the last second. And are these people not thinking about who might be walking below the window? Nice grandma on her way to the retirement center, lugging freshly-baked strudel, and BAM. Wetness and death. This is a really mean video.

Then we have the quiet part of the song where Kelly realizes she can’t let him go. Of course not. Otherwise he would testify against her in the domestic violence lawsuit. And HE saved the guppy, not her. She’d be paying some big money to settle that one.

So now they’re all happy, and decide to go ride around in a jeep, so Kelly can whip her hair around in the wind and he can look cool wearing shades. (Quick shot of the famous bracelet hanging from the rearview mirror, so I guess there was no livestock swap.)

Chorus again, so more mixed shots of Kelly’s hair on stage, and then Kelly’s hair in the jeep. Things go sour in that jeep when they apparently get lost and start a fight about it. Kelly hits him AGAIN, this time with the map. Girl needs some anger management classes.

All this bickering causes him to lose control of the jeep, and although there’s no real danger, they do end up in a gravel parking lot where dust gets everywhere and they aren’t so pretty anymore. I guess the horrifying possibility that she might be dirty AND single is too much for her, so Kelly grabs the guy and they kiss.

And then we’re done. Did you learn a lot? Me neither.


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Taylor Swift - "Love Story"

 
We’re on a college campus, with Taylor walking along and looking forlorn, when she spies a boy sitting under a tree. While she rudely stares at him, she starts getting flashbacks of a past life they apparently shared.

We’re transported back to old-timey days (which would be 2004 for Taylor, but a couple hundred years for the rest of us), and Taylor is now standing on a balcony opening off a humongous house. If you haven’t figured it out yet, she’s playing Juliet, and she’s wishing for a Romeo.

Then she’s in a ballroom, lots of candles and everyone is beautiful. In walks tree boy, all dappered up, and they only have eyes for each other. Then everybody joins together for a waltz, and I guess they didn’t have a lot of time to practice, because the extras are really bad at it. But everybody’s still pretty, and Taylor and Tree get to do cute things with their hands.

Later that night, or that century, who knows, Taylor is trudging through the forest, holding up an oil lamp, acting like she’s using it to see with, but really so the camera can get good shots of her dewy skin. Suddenly, there’s Tree Boy, standing next to one of those creepy statues from “Interview with the Vampire”. (Seriously, stop the video at 1:42.) Hope she’s got a wooden stake up in that petticoat, just in case.

She goes up to him and discreetly puts her finger across his lips. (“Shhh. Don’t tell me you’re a vampire. It’s been a long day, singing on the patio for hours and then all that dancing, so I really don’t have time for any more issues.”)

Then they wander around a bit, holding hands and chatting, the oil lamp never more than 3 inches from her peachy face. (Girl, careful with that burning oil, that weave will go up in a flash.) Of course, this is a chaste little video (all those tween-ager fans out there, sayin), so they end up just petting a horse conveniently standing nearby instead of having sex.

Whoops, I may have lied. After he leaves, we see Taylor plucking a cherry off a tree. Umm…

Then Taylor’s back on that balcony, and I guess it’s been a while since she went to the zoo with Tree, because she’s singing the part about how she hasn’t seen him in so long and wonders if he’ll ever come save her. Lo and behold, she spies Hardwood walking out of the forest, headed her way.

Ecstatic, she starts racing down endless flights of curving stairs, the 20-foot train on her dress artfully billowing out behind her. Quick cut shots between the two of them, with his in slo-mo, ‘cause he only has to cover about 5 feet of grass and she has an entire plantation house to navigate.

They stand in the middle of a field, hold each other’s head, and glow at each other, while the camera swirls around them. But they never even kiss. Hello?

Back in the present, Taylor and Tree stand in the middle of the campus courtyard, unable to hold each other’s hands because Taylor is carrying some stupid books, and glow at each other. But they never kiss. What’s the name of this song, again?

Does Taylor Swift even know how Romeo and Juliet ended? Just wondering.


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Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling"

We start out with some really skinny girls in short skirts walking down Hollywood Boulevard, so you know right off this thing is going to be of the highest artistic integrity.

Quick shot of Fergie in some sort of dressing room, proving that she can indeed lift her leg over her head, even while wearing high heels. Shots of other people getting dressed for something. Apparently it’s hot outside, because nobody’s wearing much of anything.

Will.i.am starts out with the vocals, while he wanders around searching for something, probably looking for some additional lyrics beyond the two lines that he knows really, really well. We see little snippets of neon paint dribbles that will prove to be an important plot device later on in the video.

For some reason, lots of shots of Fergie wearing only a g-string and a boa. She must really love that boa, considering how she’s rubbing it on her body.

More shots of people getting ready, people walking on the streets in their skanky outfits, and somebody spilling more of that paint.

Then we come across Taboo just floating in the air, for no apparent reason. The skanky ho’s all walk past him like it’s no big, they see it every day.

Okay, finally we see some people in actual CARS headed to this shindig party that everyone has been prepping for. This is L.A. People don’t walk anywhere, especially while wearing the stiletto heels that keep appearing in front of the camera out of nowhere.

We get to the party house, the music gets louder as we swing into the chorus, and everybody is jumping all over the room with a lot of energy, bouncing off the walls. Clearly, these people are on something a little stronger than appetite suppressants.

Now it’s Fergie’s time to sing, so she struts around a bit, waving this weird feather-duster thing that’s really distracting. Then she almost falls off a couch, while on the wall behind her is a giant target with a shark coming out of it. I supposed that means something to somebody.

More drinking and hyperactive dancing, brief shot of Fergie feeling up some female extra, then she’s crammed in one of those plexi-glass ball chairs on a chain, then she’s groping somebody else, then she’s on the other side of the club. This girl gets around. But she still hasn’t put down that damn feather duster.

Shot of two girls kissing, then a slo-mo shot of Fergie twirling her hair through the air, and more shots of shoes.

What’s this? Oh, here comes some guy carrying the can of day-glo paint that’s been dribbled all over town. Everybody immediately starts shoving their hands in the paint up to their wrists, making pseudo gloves. (Because that’s the first thing YOU would do, right?)

They break out more paint, and people are smearing it on their faces and clothes and whatnot. Then they switch on the black lights and everybody breaks out into the chorus and pogos around the room with even more intensity.

This goes on for quite some time, so I’m guessing this scene was the biggest part of their budget. Someone gets creative, and starts turning the black lights off and on so it sort of looks like a different scene and they can get more footage out of it. But it’s still the same dance moves, same people, and same repeated lyrics.

And I keep thinking, did an Oompa Loompa explode up in here?

As we near the end, they start just throwing in any random shot: people getting thrown in a pool, some klutzy woman taking cookies out of the oven and spilling them, people rolling off beds in their underwear, passed-out hookers in hallways, and folks taking a tumble in the bathroom. Those wacky Black Eyed Peas. Hoo boy.

Finally, the party’s over, and we see people wandering off into the night. One of the skinny models from the opening shot trips and busts her butt on the pavement. I think that was my favorite part.

And yes, the last time you see Fergie at the party, she’s still got that dang feather duster…


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Rob Thomas - "Her Diamonds"

Okay, we start off in… I don’t know what it is. A cave? A disco? Some spooky lost room at Hogwarts where Hermione morphed from frizzy-haired munchkin to supermodel between movies? All we really know is that Rob is already singing about the sad, lonely girl who cries pretty tears.

Oh, and it seems that one of the motifs for this video is using reflections of Rob on odd surfaces. They’ve already done that about 20 times and we’re barely 30 seconds into it.

Wait, now we’ve switched over to an apartment, guessing it’s in a high-rise because you can see other tall buildings out the window. Hold up. What is THAT? Some freaky woman is sitting on the bed, covered in ice, her hair is all spiky and it looks like someone shoved icicles into her head. Maybe it’s Lady Gaga doing a cameo.

Ice Girl is just sitting there, staring out the window. It’s not quite clear if it’s sunrise or sunset. She’s not drinking coffee (oh wait, she can’t, she’s frozen) or putting on her jammies so we have no visual clues to help us out here with the time frame.

Oh wait, now Rob is trapped behind a wall of ice, still singing. Poor thing.

Close-up on Ice Girl’s eye. Wow, her mascara looks really good, considering she’s a popsicle and all.

Okay, the sun outside the window just moved up, so either it’s morning or the camera guy tripped. Whoa, the sun just got really bright. It‘s morning. (But we still don’t see anybody drinking coffee, so something’s obviously not right in this place.)

More singing Rob behind the ice wall. Then reflections of Rob in the icy spikes sticking out of the girl’s head. (Told ya, reflections everywhere you look, they’re gonna wear us out with that.)

Hey, now Ice Girl is melting, chunks falling off of her. I wonder if she really wants this to happen? She looks very troubled about something. But she’s not getting up to close the window, so I guess we’ll just have to see.

How convenient. We just got a quick shot of an iPhone, and it’s 7:15am. Thank you. I was so worried about what time it was, because that could TOTALLY change the story.

Rob’s still behind the ice wall, but it looks like there are cracks now. This is SO deep. Wow.

Hey, Ice Girl just broke one of her hands free of the ice. And now an arm! Things are really starting to get busy up in here, big sheets of ice sliding off her onto the bed and floor. (I hope she has insurance, because this is turning into a mess.)

Reflections of Rob on the icy, watery floor.

Wait, is Ice Girl really Alicia Silverstone? (Pause it at 2:32, study, and get back to me.)

Oh dear. She just rolled off the bed and fell on the floor. Now she’s wallering around in all those chunks of ice. THAT can’t feel good, hope Alicia got paid well for this.

Okay, ice wall is gone, and now Rob is singing and dancing in front of a really bright sun thing, doing some pretty pathetic arm movements. (He should have hired Celine Dion’s Arm Choreographer, THAT person is really good.)

Alicia crawls to the window and pulls herself up into the sunlight. She still doesn’t look very happy (she might just be wondering who is going to clean all this water up, not sure). Wait, it looks like she might be trying to sing along with Rob, but you can’t hear anything because right then all 120 of Rob’s backup singers kick in at full throttle. That’s kind of rude.

Okay, the camera guy realizes there’s too many people singing, so he does a close-up of Alicia’s vocal cords so we can see that she is, indeed, singing. And then she throws her head back, and based on her expression, something very sensual just occurred and/or happened to her.

Wait, it’s over, final scene with the camera man walking backwards (watch out for that ice!) while Alicia stands at the sunlit window in her nightie. There are so many unanswered questions. How did the bitch get frozen? Is she going to get revenge? Does she have anything dry to wear? Did anybody ever get any coffee?

Sigh.


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Pink - "Please Don't Leave Me"

We zoom in on a really ritzy house, with Pink and some guy tussling over golf clubs and looking generally unhappy. And Pink is sporting a very chaste hairdo and subdued clothing, so you know she’s not in her right mind. But she does manage to show some cleavage, so all is not lost.

So then the guy gets a better grip on the golf clubs and is racing out of the house, even though Pink is clearly singing to him that he shouldn’t go and all. He nears the top of a staircase, where someone has conveniently left a pile of clear and black glass marbles. (Looks like somebody’s been to Pier 1! In 1987.)

Of course the guy loses his balance and goes ass over elbows down the stairs. While he’s writhing in pain at the bottom of the steps, Pink gets an odd expression on her face. It’s not certain if she’s wondering how badly he’s hurt, trying to figure out if she’s enjoying seeing him in pain, or just remembered an appointment with the gynecologist.

Next scene has Pink dolled up in some hooker circus outfit, with a cute little hat and all, just as she’s appropriately singing the line “how did I become so obnoxious?”. The golf guy is in a hospital bed in the same house, and she’s stitching him up with needle and thread. (That sewing project in junior high Home Economics finally paid off. Whew.)

Then Pink snatches up one of the golf clubs and does a naughty little dance with it (um, you can keep that club when you’re all done riding it, thanks). Suddenly, she hauls off and whacks golf guy’s injured leg with the club, and we learn two things: Pink has issues, and we’re doing movie tributes. Yay! (This one is “Misery”, for those keeping score.)

Now Pink’s in the kitchen really hacking away at cabbage or some such with a big-ass knife. (She must hate vegetables and/or roughage.) Golf guy tries to sneak out of the house, but Pink hears him and catches up to him at the front door. But instead of actually stopping him, she pauses to belt out a few lines of the chorus and fondle a colander. Guy opens the door, and is immediately attacked by Cujo.

Next scene has Pink in another hooker circus outfit and cute hat, but this time she and Arnold Palmer have kabuki makeup on, making them look dead or just really hung over. He’s strapped into a wheelchair, and she’s touching up his lipstick. Then she hits him in the chest right during the “perfect little punching bag” line, cause you knew that one was coming.

They’re on some stage thing (this is a BIG house), and the seats in the audience are filled with those creepy porcelain dolls that are always a sign of the devil or at least mental instability. I’m guessing this is a nod to “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” Pink shoves his wheelchair off the stage (you know, like Diana Ross did to Mary Wilson during that Motown anniversary special) and he crashes into the devil dolls.

She then jumps on top of him, all smoochy and loving, and I’m assuming they have Cabbage Patch sex because she wakes up naked. To find that her golfing buddy is not in the room with her.

Well, that just irks her to no end, so she puts on another cute outfit and then grabs an axe and goes searching. And she manages to chase him into a bathroom, where he slams the door. So of COURSE they have to act out “The Shining”, with Pink whacking a hole in the door and shoving her face through it. He makes sure to fumble around for a weapon long enough that she has time to finish singing another round of the chorus. Timing is everything, yes?

He sprays something in her eyes, she stumbles backwards, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s those damn glass marbles again (See, boys and girls. Pier 1 can KILL!) and Pink goes sailing over the balcony and crashes a few stories below. (Which is a tribute to a lot of things. “Vertigo”, “King Kong”, the economy, Paris Hilton’s contribution to society.)

We end with medical people and police diddling around while they wheel Arnold out the door, and Pink is all splayed out, maybe dead, but still singing. Then she sits up and throws the viewing audience a big kiss, meaning it was all in fun and she’s not really advocating domestic violence. Hee hee.

Just put the dolls away, okay? Thanks.


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Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"

In the opening scenes, Lady Gaga is dripping wet, climbing out of somebody's swimming pool. She is wearing odd headgear, and the assumption is that she was thrown out of a passing alien spaceship because she wears too much eyeliner. There are twin dogs looking at her, but they don't move because she doesn't appear to have any treats for them, and even if she did, they would be soggy by now.

Then Lady Gaga prances around in her black leather outfit, doing hand movements that signify she either has a rash or is practicing for an infomercial involving cleaning products. Amazingly, her eyeliner does not run, despite the coming-out-of-the-pool thing. She does a lot of naughty hip-thrusting for no apparent reason.

Oh wait, now she's got on a blue outfit for the chorus. She clutches her head a lot, tons of backup dancers appear out of nowhere, and they all gyrate, but Lady Gaga doesn't have a hair out of place. Somebody cut a bonus check for the stylist.

Now there are hundreds of people running about, with Gaga pretending to play poker and throwing cards everywhere (rude!), then everybody is in their night-night clothes but still humping the air and acting like poker is an aphrodisiac.

Another chorus in the blue outfit. Clearly, somebody shelled out for a fog machine. Oh look, now there's TWO of her gyrating and getting moist over a royal flush. Wow, not only is card-playing apparently sexy, but it can cause split personalities!

Now Gaga's got on some freaky glasses that channel MTV. Way cool. But then she gets bored with those and ditches them pretty quick.

Wait, now she's wearing the blue outfit again and it's not the chorus yet. What the hell? Did somebody run out of film? And why does she keep using her hand to make a circle thing around her eye? Is this her signature move? Sucks compared to MJ's moonwalk.

Now she's preening around some bed-head semi-stud who looks stoned. Jump cuts between her, the stoner, the hundreds of gyrating people in the house who apparently can't find a decent disco, and Gaga nearly frenching one of the dogs. Quality, yes?

Then Gaga does some hand movements, mainly to show everyone that she enjoys gothic manicures, and that her hair has remained in place, despite the humidity from the pool and the hordes of lost disco dancers racing around the property.

We close it out with Gaga doing even more odd hand movements, still really invested in doing the circle thing around her eye even though it's pretty dumbass, and more shots of her looking incredibly unsexy in meaningless leather outfits.

What did we learn from this? Nothing.


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