Kesha - "Tik Tok"

So we start out with some skeezy-looking girl waking up in a bathtub, not really sure where she’s at, but this does not stop her from quickly using one of the anonymous toothbrushes on the sink to “brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” Then she waves her ghetto-painted toenails in front of the camera and then slips on a pair of cowboy boots and little else.

So right away we know we’re dealing with a quality kind of girl, here. Top drawer. Or should I say top shelf?

Then she marches out of the bathroom with some swagger going on, and she quickly jacks with some pictures of a nice family that are hanging on the walls, so we can understand that she really doesn’t care about anybody or anything, but I think we understood that starting with the “waking up in the bathtub” bit.

Then she wanders down a flight of stairs in the house, singing about “boys blowing up my phone” and “trying to get a little bit tipsy”. Little bit? Honey, you look like you left “little bit” about five miles back.

She wanders into a breakfast room, where the family from the hanging pictures she violated is just trying to get some nutrition and worship Jesus. Her appearance causes the mom to drop a plate of pancakes, so we know that we clearly have the work of the devil going on here.

Skanky girl then sashays outside and steals a bicycle blinged-out in gold, because we all know you can always find such handy things out in the suburbs. Skank then rides the bling over to a group of wholesome kids who just want to play with balloons, but Skank convinces them that you really need a pimped-out ride if you’re going to make it anywhere in this world.

Then we have Skank looking all trashy while sitting on a curb in front of some wall, while she sings (if you can call it singing) about how all the boys want her because “I’ve already got beer and I’m already here.” Then some dudes drive up and pile out, having heard about the beer, and they all look like “beer” is the longest word they can spell.

But Skank is fine with that, and quickly jumps in the car with the most redneck of the posse, and they take off, driving around. Skank starts singing about “don’t touch my junk,” but this is a little hard to do when Skank is bouncing and thrusting her junk from here to Encino. Sooner or later the sheer gravitational pull of the Earth will result in some junk-touching.

Then the po-po pull the two over, and at first it doesn’t look good as Skank is thrown over the hood of the pimp-mobile and forced into a pair of handcuffs. Of course, this is done in a slutty way so that we basically see Skank’s junk that she’s been singing about all along.

Next thing you know, Skank and Redneck are zipping along the highways again, so either the po-po are really bad at their job, or they’re dead. This is never made clear. What IS clear is that Skank is able to party in the Redneck’s car by standing up through the sunroof and bouncing her ta-ta’s around in a psychotic frenzy. Skank also makes a lot of hand gestures to clarify that she is really proud of herself, in case you hadn’t figure that out yet.

Then, suddenly, the car is gone, and Skank is in some weird, stone-walled room where she appears to be wearing animal fur (PETA alert!) while little bits of something sprinkle down around her. She’s waving her hands around above her head like a really bad witch doctor that forgot to read the training manual.

This goes on for a while. They bring in a wind machine, and let Skank lie on her back and thrust her feet into the air, which I guess means that Skank is aroused by wind, stone walls, chunky confetti and the ability to raise her arms and wave them about.

Then we’re transported to a nightclub, where Skank informs us that “the party don’t start till I walk in.” Really? And what party is that? I’d like to know, so that I can make sure I never go there.

Skank dances all over this place, with her messy hair and runny mascara. We know it’s a real quality establishment, because people are drinking their adult beverages from plastic red cups, always a sign that no expense has been spared. The loser redneck from the run-in with the po-po (who might be dead, we don’t know) is in the club, so I guess Skank is a little sweet on him, even though she keeps singing about how there won’t be any junk-touching.

She keeps dancing. And as she gyrates around and we get a better look at this place, I’m seeing things that make me wonder if this is just somebody’s living room. There’s a mid-80’s ceiling fan and some very ugly couches. What was the budget on this video, anyway?

Lots more dancing and runny mascara, with Skank eventually working her way to the redneck and possibly offering her junk after all. Then some more clunky confetti falls down while people pass out around them.

Final scene shows Skank, trashed and missing some footwear, giggling in a bathtub and settling in for another night. She’s picked up an American flag somewhere, which she’s using as a sweatband or some such on her right ankle. Such a touch of class. Then she presumably goes into an alcoholic coma.

Good gawd.

Parents, send your girls to strict boarding schools with plenty of barbed-wire and severe nuns that resort to beating people with rulers. It’s got to have better results than this….


Click Here to Watch the Video On YouTube.