Demi Lovato – “Give Your Heart A Break”

  We start out with Demi on the phone with some guy, she in what might be her apartment and he standing on a sidewalk, possibly homeless but wearing a cute little stocking cap. We have no idea what they’re talking about, but since they’re still young and haven’t had much experience in life, it’s probably not important. They both seem to be grimacing, so it might not be a happy call, but at least they’re both cute.

  Then they hang up, with Guy heading into some building and Demi turning to face us so we can see her better as she begins to sing. And apparently she wants to tell us about happier times in their relationship, because suddenly we are whisked away to a scene with the two of them painting a room and having far more fun than one should when doing something labor-intensive and repetitive. (Maybe the paint fumes were really special that day? Or there might have been drinking. Everything is more exciting with alcohol.)

  Anyway, we cut to Guy sitting on a couch somewhere as he sighs and turns a framed photo of the youngsters face down. This is supposed to show his dissatisfaction with the relationship, but I’m really more invested in his odd coffee table with the really wide gaps in it where stuff is just going to fall through and stain the Pottery Barn throw rug. Then he just sits there and looks lost and sad, despite sitting next to a really cute fuzzy pillow that he clearly didn’t pick out on his own.

  Zip back to Demi, who is briefly wandering around in an unexplained room that features a searchlight or maybe a UFO, then she’s back in her apartment, going through a box of her own photos. She has hundreds of smiling-couple photos, which seems a bit obsessive to me, but it gives her something to play with until it’s time for the next chorus. Then Demi appears to have an idea which inspires her to leap up and run out of the room without bothering to let us know where she’s going.

  Turns out that she’s managed to change her outfit and is now wandering down a darkened street in the middle of the night, which is always a safe thing for a young lady to be doing. Whoops, now she’s back in the apartment, running around and snatching up more hundreds of photos of her and the beau. (Did those two ever do anything in their relationship besides pose?) Brief scene with the two of them practicing the Heimlich Maneuver in a kitchen somewhere, then Demi grabs her big-ass duffle bag of snapshots and heads out the door again.

  She’s back on that questionable late-night street again, warbling and walking, then she’s in the strange room with the possible UFO, where she belts out part of the song that makes her and her leather jacket look really anguished and distraught. While all of this is going on, we also get a montage of the happy couple being happy in various locations before recent events made them less happy. (Did the batteries run out on their cameras? That can kill a relationship, sure can.)

  Then we have Demi arriving outside a vague building where she proceeds to start pinning some of the thousands of photos to a wall. We have no idea why she’s doing this, but at least it gives her something to do while the producers kick off another montage of the couple in better times before The Bad Thing happened. This batch of memories mainly involves the two of them driving around in places full of sunshine and, naturally, taking pictures of one another. Oh, and there’s also some business with the two of them playing peekaboo behind some white curtains, because that’s a true sign of a mature relationship.

  We check back with Picture-Arranging Demi, and she’s been really busy. She’s managed to cover a big chunk of wall space with selections from her photography trove, and it doesn’t look like she’s planning to stop any time soon. (Girl must have been hitting the coffee hard this morning.) Meanwhile, Wandering Demi and UFO-Room Demi are still wailing the song and making dramatic faces about the pain of having no one in your life to take pictures of you.

  We get a final round of images of the sun-kissed couple making boring activities like walking or cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer look sexy and fun, we revisit UFO-Room Demi as she belts out the closing bit of the song, and we start to wrap things up with a return to Picture-Arranging Demi as she scrambles to plaster that wall with images of her and Guy eating lobster and riding in bumper cars. Cut to Guy’s apartment, where he happens to glance out his window and sees that Demi’s thousands of pictures on the wall of that building has created one giant image that magically, when seen from a block away, morphs into yet another shot of the two of them posing for the camera.

  Awwww. But seriously, how much do these people spend on photo supplies? And what was up with that UFO?

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Gym Class Heroes, Neon Hitch – “Ass Back Home”

  We start off with lead singer Travie sitting on what might be a hotel bed, looking very sad despite the fact that he’s wearing a very stylin’ hat. Cut to Neon Hitch wallering around on another bed somewhere else, also looking sad, probably because some fool has painted the wall behind her a very ugly shade of red. Apparently the theme for this video involves depression and mattresses. Hopefully things will pick up a bit real quick, maybe after somebody orders some room service.

  Neon starts singing, which is a tricky thing to do when you’re flat on your back, and this inspires her to wander over to a window and Travie to go wash his face in the bathroom. But even being clean and having a nice view is not enough to offset the sadness, so they both go back to their beds and waller around some more. Maybe they need to call that room service guy back and make sure he’s bringing some type of alcohol with the cobb salad and fries that they ordered.

  Travie starts doing his part of the song, but it’s a little hard to catch what he’s saying because I’m distracted by what appears to be a stuffed monkey nestled against the pillow behind him. (There also appears to be a man playing a guitar while seated in a chair off to the side. Did he come with the room?) Then Travie starts doing something with his fingers while he wanders around the room, and we have a quick montage of the other band members being unhappy about having to do things like waking up in the morning and packing their suitcases.

  Meanwhile, Neon is still distraught on her own bed. She appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if this is because she can’t find anything decent to watch on TV or if the excessive amount of jewelry she’s wearing on her hands is preventing her from getting out of the bed. We cut back to Travie and the band gang as they are boarding a tour bus while carrying luggage that looks just as depressed as they are, followed by a phone call between Travie and Neon where he apparently says something that makes her throw her phone across the room so the maid can pick it up later.

  Then we have another montage, this one involving Travie being nice to some fans who don’t even look old enough to ride the big rides at amusement parks, Neon sitting on a couch and singing to one of the cushions, Travie rapping on the tour bus while wearing an odd red helmet that was picked out by a stylist who should be fired, and various band members standing around a swimming pool while wearing non-bathing attire and looking bored. This is starting to look like one of those foreign films where people do cryptic things, nothing makes sense, and yet the movie wins 700 awards at international film festivals.

  Next up is a bit with Travie rapping again, but he throws me by using the word “bogusness” and I don’t really catch everything that is happening. There’s something about a close-up of Neon, a potential drug deal, people talking with their hands, excessive use of bandanas, and Neon possibly finding a new lover on the urban streets of whatever city she’s living in while supposedly waiting for Travie to get his ass back home.

  Then it’s Neon’s turn to sing again, so she and her vibrant hair do this for a while as we get random images of Travie still being dissatisfied in his hotel room, travel shots of the tour bus driving down streets with no names, red barns and cornfields (are they doing a tribute to Green Acres?), interesting but out-of-context architecture, and Travie pounding his fist on an innocent window sill that is simply trying to hold the window in place and really shouldn’t be blamed for anything.

  Travie kicks off the bit where he just does some spoken-word poetry, once again on the phone with Neon, and you would think this would settle her down some, but instead she decides to climb on the roof of her building and start singing while wearing an outfit that you can only pull off if you have lots of hair that has been dyed a color that previously didn’t exist on the planet.

  This transitions us to some footage of a live concert where the Gym Class Heroes are rocking the house, mixed in with shots of the band members doing non-concert things like diving on a bed while wearing orange long-underwear and drinking beer in a bar where people still think it’s okay to do fist bumps. There’s also something about people playing cards, cars driving down other nameless streets, rapid-flicker shots of trees, fire escapes, more barns, a possible sighting of Simon Cowell, and fire-hydrant abuse.

  We wind things down with Travie driving a motorcycle up to the building where Neon is still twirling on the rooftop, her shimmery tresses blowing in the wind. Then she decides to run get some Chinese take-out, and she encounters Travie on the sidewalk. (Does he not have a key to her building?) As is the custom when pop stars return home from a tour, Neon greets her man by leaping up and wrapping her legs around him while the jaded New Yorkers passing by completely ignore them as they head to the deli for a nice pastrami on rye….

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Rihanna - “Where Have You Been”

  We start out in the middle of what might be a swamp, with sunlight or possibly nuclear fallout dancing on the murky waters. Then Rihanna comes floating along, mostly submerged in the questionable water so that only her eyes and her hiney are visible. She’s apparently having a lot of fun doing whatever she’s doing, because we watch her bob along for a while, until she somehow manages to clone herself and we suddenly have two Rihannas, dripping wet and gazing at one another with lust and devotion.

  We start getting glimpses of another Rihanna, this one possibly doing a tribute to Billie Holliday or at least women who like to wear tropical flowers on their head. Okay, maybe this isn’t a Billie tribute, because Rihanna is sort of pleasuring herself with a puffy thing on a stick, and I really don’t recall Billie ever doing anything like that, at least not in mixed company. In any case, this Rihanna is really fond of her little stick friend.

  Then we cut to another Rihanna, this one doing a Harem Girl/Buccaneer Pirate sort of thing, in some desert-looking place where they have lots of really big boulders and some dead trees. She has several male buddies with her, and I guess they must have gotten some sand where it shouldn’t be, because everybody is hopping and jumping around like they have some crevices that they can’t get to. Luckily, this part of the song has a steady beat that accents their medical condition quite nicely.

  This perkiness goes on for some time, with muscles bulging and sweat dripping and pantaloons billowing. Then it’s time for us to move on to a different set, and we join another Rihanna, this one sporting a hairdo that is all about Diana Ross during the “Eaten Alive” time period. She has lots of female friends this time, and everyone up in this grill is very invested in doing things that require them to lie on their backs and wave their legs in the air.

  Then they start doing some aggressive line-dancing, with choreography that is heavy on the pelvic-thrusting, followed by a routine that you might see a high-school flag corps perform, if that high school was Our Lady of Perpetual Horniness and all of the students had lost their virginity years ago. (And where do these people get all this energy? I get worn out just hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock.)

  The next Rihanna is a little more laid-back, reclining in a hayloft or some such and wearing a slinky dress that makes her writhe around and raise her arm to her head. (We get a few quick shots of Billie Rihanna, and we learn that there are now four of them for some reason, so there must be something in the water.) Then we zip back to Hayloft Rihanna for a bit, so she can show us the fancy jewelry that somebody has woven into her hair for no apparent reason other than to justify the cost of making the video.

  And it’s time for some more calisthenics, as we rejoin Diana Rihanna and her backup dancers, although these girls definitely have more moves than the Supremes ever did. This time the gang is doing an interpretive dance which, based on the way everyone is flapping their legs and touching themselves in private areas, seems to be telling the tragic tale of what can happen if you get too close to the campfire while trying to roast your marshmallows.

  Then we really kick it into high gear, with what might be Priestess Rihanna and Vaguely-Hindu Rihanna managing to clone themselves all across the screen as they have synchronized orgasms. In the midst of all this, some guy with a penchant for Keith Haring face-paint shows up long enough to look really angry about something and then he’s gone. We wrap up this section with the multiple Rihannas growing multiple arms and doing a nice Bollywood-on-Acid floor show.

  We close things out with Swamp-Girl Rihanna heading back into the birthing waters that kicked things off, only this time she’s joined by several probably-male dancers who slither and splash about as Rihanna slowly sinks into the swamp and presumably turns into The Little Mermaid Rihanna…


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Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe”

  We start out with Carly Rae standing at the back window of her house, gazing in wanton lust at the sexy lawnboy who is tending to her greenery. Naturally, he’s all super-sweaty with perfect hair, which causes Carly to fan herself with one of the apparently thousands of trashy romance novels that she’s been sitting around reading while she waits for this song to hit the top of the charts and make her world-famous.

  Carly decides that it’s very important that she start singing, so she does, which prompts Hot Boy to stop pushing around the lawnmower and proceed to slowly take off his shirt so we can study his sculpted chest and an interesting tattoo that may or may not be the Declaration of Independence. All this exposed flesh makes Carly fan herself even harder, until Hot Boy glances her way and she drops to the floor like she’s been shot. (Does she live in South Central L.A.?)

  Cut to somebody’s open garage, where Carly and her band-friends are making music while Carly sings to a car in the driveway that clearly is not interested in her warbling and Stevie Nicks wardrobe. As Carly continues with her mini-concert, we get more shots of Hot Boy still flexing and sweating and sucking down a bottle of water like it’s the best sex he’s ever had since reaching puberty about three days ago.

  While we study Carly’s extra-long bangs and wonder how she can see where the cameras might be, Hot Boy manages to finish up with the lawn and then moseys over to stare under the hood of his sports car. He’s put his shirt back on, which is really disappointing, but I‘m sure he’ll be taking it off again shortly. After all, we didn’t have time to finish reading all of his tattoo the first time around, what with his nipples and whatnot breaking our concentration.

  Next up is two of Carly’s little band-friends handing her a bucket of soapy water and then shoving her toward her own car. It’s not immediately clear why Carly needs to scrub her ride right at the moment, then we realize that Hot Boy is in the next driveway over, fiddling with his motor and stretching a lot. Carly smirks saucily at this opportunity to get his attention, and she proceeds to get her car and herself as wet as possible.

  So now we have a montage of Carly soaping up everything in a twenty-foot radius, more of her band performing for an audience that doesn’t exist, and Hot Boy continuing to not pay any attention to the bubbly and dripping Carly. But Carly’s a trooper and isn’t about to let things like disinterest and automotive duties get in her way, so she keeps singing and scrubbing with enough perkiness and energy that if you hitched a power cable to her belly button she could light up the Eastern seaboard.

  Side note to the band-member who seems so invested in doing the moonwalk while playing his guitar: You might want to practice that move just a smidge more before you whip it out again in public, mmmkay?

  But even perpetually perky people can get a little frustrated, so when Hot Boy continues to not pay any attention to the charms of Carly, she ups the ante by assuming a variety of increasingly-provocative poses on the hood of her dripping car. (Holy cow, did you catch the size of the chunky heels on her shoes? She could seriously hurt somebody with those things.) Just as she’s surely reaching the point of exhaustion, Hot Boy finally looks her way, and Carly is so excited by the attention that she mis-scrubs and tumbles off the side of the car.

  I guess Carly hits her head on the concrete (although you’d think all of that hair would cushion the blow) because suddenly she’s having a lusty dream where she and Hot Boy (who now has his own abundance of hair) appear to be posing for the cover of a romance book that might be entitled “The Bubbling Passions of a Pirate Wench”. They clumsily paw at each other, even though Hot Boy seems to be more invested in gazing at something over Carly’s shoulder, like a burger drive-thru or a better agent.

  Then Carly recovers from her concussion, her eyes popping open back in the real world to find that Hot Boy and his paragraph of a tattoo are leaning over her prone body. Carly has a small orgasm of delight, then Hot helps her to her feet so she can run change back into her Stevie Nicks outfit and give Hot another one of her endless garage concerts. At the end of the performance, Carly rushes up to write down her phone number for Hot Boy, only to watch him basically shove her aside and hand his own phone number to one of the guys in the band.

  Didn’t see that coming. But I’m glad it did…


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Flo Rida, Sia - “Wild Ones”

  Note: There’s really not much of a story to this one, just some very happy people jumping out of airplanes in Dubai and riding expensive hovercrafts on exclusive beaches. You know, stuff we all do all the time, right? So we’ll do the time-stamp with this one…

0:03  The image of a hotel that I could never afford to visit pops on screen. The beach in front is surprisingly empty, so there may have been an issue with lobster salad on the buffet line.

0:05  People are heading toward a helicopter. Flo probably bought it just because he can.

0:07  Oh, and there’s Flo, strapped in. He seems very pleased to have money.

0:12  And there’s that famous man-made island that looks like a palm tree. Or a really mutated spider, depending on how you turn your head.

0:17  Now people are jumping out of the helicopter. They couldn’t just find an open bar?

0:23  Flo, hurtling downward with a flight buddy glued to his back, is trying very hard to look like he’s having a great time. This is the part where I would be screaming. And I wouldn’t stop for three days.

0:30  The parachutes pop and no one dies. Insurance people at the record company stop holding their breath.

0:33  Flo and a bevy of fly girls are hurtling along in a flyboat through some swampy area. Everyone seems to be having a good time, pumping their fists, except for the one girl who is sitting there quietly and envisioning an alligator snatching away one of her body parts. I think it might be Sia, but things are moving really fast.

0:36  I don’t think anyone anticipated that flock of birds that the flyboat just crashed through, but everyone survives without messing up their hair or makeup.

0:42  Sia and Flo and singing somewhere that requires a helicopter to fly overhead. Or maybe there was a jail break. I understand this happens a lot in countries where it’s too hot to just sit still and think about what you’ve done.

0:43  OMG, there really are alligators up in this grill. Home girl was right to keep an eye out.

0:51  Now we’re in the bar that they should have found in the first place. As usual in such settings, there’s a woman who insists on wearing a hat that is only attractive in her own mind.

0:54  People who couldn’t identify Flo or Sia if their lives depended on it are suddenly partying it up with manic intensity. Alcohol makes everybody best friends.

0:58  Flo waves a bottle of champagne around while Sia looks upset about the rainforest situation. She sure seems to be a moody little duet partner.

1:03 Shot of Flo (I think) sending out a text message that it would make him very happy if we joined him for a party in Miami Beach. I’m guessing my personal invite got lost due to some technical glitch, ‘cause otherwise we tight.

1:08  Shameless product plug for BMW.

1:12  Some guys are playing golf while standing under some really ugly chandeliers.

1:19  Flo is somewhere clutching both a bottle of vodka and a horny admirer. He seems more invested in the vodka. She seems more invested in sliding down his body toward his crotch.

1:20  Is that Debbie Harry and Stevie Wonder?

1:24  Energetic woman shoves her breasts at the camera while her yellow t-shirt groans in structural pain.

1:27  Flo and Friend hop into an ATV, because that’s exactly what you should do after a night on the town.

1:33  That poor woman is still wearing that horrid hat.

1:36  Should we tell that woman she has a liquor bottle lodged in her butt crack? I guess it doesn’t matter.

1:53  And now there’s a glow stick in there as well. What is going on with her?

1:56  The ATV hits something and goes flying through the air. That’s probably not a good sign.

2:01  Flo and a possibly-inebriated male companion perform some synchronized dance steps.

2:06  Sia finally smiles. About time.

2:15  First appearance of the slightly creepy hovercraft thing on the beach. It looks kind of fun to drive. It also looks like something you might see in an Alien movie just before people with lower billing than Signourney Weaver end up dead.

2:22  Aggressive women dance on top of a bar while wearing something only slightly larger than a teabag.

2:32  Back on the flyboat in the swamps, Sia actually stands up and starts shaking her booty. But she is over-shaken by a woman on the left who is gyrating like she just sat on a hot exhaust pipe.

2:36  Flo and friends pretend to be stranded on an abandoned dock in the middle of the water, because it’s always fun to act like you might die in a swamp.

2:39  Sia suddenly decides to ride a polo horse in some unknown location.

2:44  This is apparently all the training you need to learn how to operate a flyboat, because she then drives one to rescue Flo and friends on that questionable dock.

2:48  Welcoming him aboard with a hug, Sia still manages to simultaneously shove her hiney backwards and her transponders forward with eye-opening power. (Notice the girl in the lower right who is simply stunned by this display of obvious skill.)

2:54  Then the two of them drive off and leave the rest of the friends on that stupid dock. What up?

2:59  Oh. Apparently this separation allows Sia to spend some quality time pawing at Flo’s chest. That up. No wonder girl was all pouty before, she wanted her some yum yum from The Rida, she did.

3:05  Back in the nightclub, something explodes behind the bar-top dancers but they don’t even notice.

3:11  Another hotel that I can’t afford.

3:13  Sobriety-challenged bar patron has difficulty getting the champagne anywhere near the glass.

3:21  More bang-bang on the booty boat.

3:26  Audrey Hepburn?

3:29  Bar patron suddenly realizes that maybe the sideways-ballcap thing ain’t all that anymore.

3:32  Sia and Flo, post-lovin’ and satisfied.

3:36  More of the creepy hovercraft. Apparently this thing is a little difficult to control, because you can see in the background that someone is clearly running for his life.

3:47  Last good shot of Sia. And she’s back to her sad place, poor thing. punch

3:50  Hovercraft slides out of view and the video fades…



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