Katy Perry, Snoop Dogg - “California Gurls”

We start out with a giant board game box flying at us while fluffy pink clouds float by, so we already know there’s going to be violence and femininity in this video. The game is called “Candyfornia”, which sounds vaguely obscene, but at least the people pictured on the box seem happy and there are lots of pretty colors.

The game box opens and we have Snoop Dogg, apparently fresh from an explosion at the local candy factory, sitting at a table piled with sweets and treats. I immediately think “drugs are involved in some way”, but perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. After all, Snoop is being very polite, welcoming us and inviting us to go on a journey. Then Katy Perry shows up and I’m scared all over again.

She’s wandering around Candyfornia, wearing something that either is, or fell out of, a pinata. She’s very excited about her outfit, and breaks into song while she gazes in wonder at the money somebody spent on this set. She then samples an ice cream cone that appears out of nowhere, which causes her to see gummy bears frolicking on the sugar path beside her. She waves at them pleasantly, but the gummy bears don’t like her singing or something and one of them flips her off. Guess he came from a bad batch at the factory before it exploded.

Shot of Snoop Dogg rolling some dice. I’m sure he’s never done that before and somebody had to show him how.

Then RuPaul floats up in a giant bubble, looking a bit frantic and needing assistance. (Perhaps she’s late for her Drag Race.) Katy is very sweet, and pops RuPaul’s bubble with a shiny high-heeled shoe. RuPaul is very appreciative, and they briefly celebrate their womanhood by squealing and flapping their hands.

Katy performs some hand movements that seem to indicate she is blessing something we can’t see, then she suddenly acts like she’s taking the Girl Scout pledge. (Meanwhile, Snoop is still rolling dice, no one having told him that you can’t just keep trying until you get the numbers you want.) Katy then wanders into a candy cane forest, where the canes suddenly turn into serpents.

As most people would do in this dangerous situation, Katy races to shimmy up the one candy cane that did not transition (no explanation is given). Based on the way Katy caresses what she’s straddling, the candy cane is making her feel all tingly, possibly in need of some confectionary attention in the near future.

Oh look, now Katy’s sprawled on top of one of the pink clouds, and she seems to have lost all her clothes during the climb. Maybe it’s really hot up there, closer to the sun and all. Then we have several quick shots of Katy singing flirtatiously, as well as glancing over her shoulder to gaze affectionately at her bum and then winking at us. It must be her favorite body part.

Then Katy is struggling across a giant licorice bridge. She doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job crossing it, so we cut back to her nakedness on a cloud because she doesn’t have to balance when she’s just laying there. (Quick shot of Snoop Dogg proving that he knows the words to the chorus.)

Katy stumbles across another drag queen, this one trapped in a giant cube of Jello, because that happens all the time when you have too many shots at the bar. Friendly Katy lets her out as well, causing the drag queen to do some dance moves to express her happiness. To celebrate the freedom of another supermodel, a car horn honks on the soundtrack.

Katy and her two girlfriends are suddenly wearing Brownie outfits and high heels, which inspires them to run find a gingerbread man and put a candy heart on him. Then they decide to start eating on him, because colorful couture can make you very hungry. We end the scene with bits and pieces of the gingerbread man trampled on the sidewalk, a warning sign to anyone who gets eaten by Katy and some dancing drag queens.

Brief shots of energetic people jumping on floating marshmallows, then Katy finds another supermodel trapped inside a plastic bag. (Did the poor girl not read the warning label? This is NOT a toy!) Katy lets her out as well, and there’s another dance of appreciation, and a few shots of Snoop Dogg waiting for his turn to sing.

Now we’re on the beach, and I guess Katy emancipated lots more people while we were looking at Snoop, because there’s a bunch of folks doing a big line dance in the sand. (And Katy has different-colored hair, so I believe we’re now in the second act of this play.) They prance around a bit, making sure we can see that they all have matching desserts attached to their breasts. I suppose this is important. We’ll see.

And now it’s time for Snoop to do his thing, in another one of those rap breaks jarringly inserted into the middle of an otherwise unrelated song. (Why do they do this? Seriously.) Jump shots of people dancing, popsicles melting, Katy humping the cloud, and full-frontal shots of the horrifying candy suit that Snoop is wearing. Katy bites her cotton candy in fear.

He raps for longer than I would have budgeted if it had been up to me, but he finally stops, and now he is standing behind an army of little gummy bears. He seems to be their leader of some kind. (And I suddenly need to re-think Snoop’s entire career. This imagery explains a lot.) Snoop and the Gummy Doggs march toward Katy and Candy Dancers. There’s gonna be a throw-down, y’all.

Oh wait, first the girls need to finish their dance routine. I guess Snoop got there a little early. The pastry-adorned breasts bounce around for a bit, then we get to the rumble.

In order to make sure she’s battle ready, Katy slips into something that you would find at Victoria’s Secret Cheerleading Hooker Camp. It makes her walk funny and have Betty Page hair. Just in case we aren’t taking her seriously, Katy signals for her dancing tramps to hand her some firepower.

And this weapon, ladies and gentleman, is a bit startling.

Katy straps two cans of whip cream to breasts (why are all those women so invested with accessories in odd places?) and starts firing away at Snoop and his posse.

We get lots of shots of Katy and her deadly cleavage, showing that she has really practiced for this moment in her life. Lots of shots. There’s even a quick snippet of Snoop, with an expression indicating “man, I was really looking forward to this, but now I’m a little concerned.”

Katy wipes out all the gummy bears, and we have a long shot of the carnage on the field, like that famous scene in “Gone with the Wind”. Only we have dead corn-syrup beings instead of Confederate soldiers. And nobody’s named Mammy.

We wrap things up back at the beach, where Snoop is buried in the sand up to his neck, while Katy and three of the Hot Mess dancers are lying on their bellies, doing a routine with their feet. Amid final quick shots of Katy being explicit with sugar-based products, in case we missed any cute outfits, Snoop is mumbling something about wishing we all could be California girls.

I think I’ll pass. Maybe next time? Call me.


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