Melanie Fiona - “Gone And Never Coming Back”

  Um, it appears that Miss Melanie is one very angry woman. But you can certainly decide for yourself…

  We start out with a tight shot on Melanie’s face. She’s very pretty, and she’s singing calmly at this point, so we can’t help but like her and hope she has a very fulfilling life. Then we get the first sign that things may not be as happy as they seem, when the image of some dude’s lips suddenly intrude from the right and then vanish. What the hell? Are we dealing with demon lips AGAIN? This happens far too often for my comfort.

  Melanie continues to sing gently, so I guess, at least at this point, she’s not bothered by spectral orifice visions. Then all the sudden we ramp things up, with a flurry of jump shots involving creepy snow-globes, falling pages of music, and Melanie wearing another dress and banging on a piano that must have come over with the Mayflower. Melanie also amps it up with her vocals and the tempo of the song, because once a snow-globe appears, it’s ON, people.

  Shot of a lit cigarette falling and hitting the floor. Is she trying to quit? Are we out of ashtrays? Are people just clumsy? Melanie doesn’t answer any of these questions, instead choosing to start really bellowing the song like her thong just irritated a tender spot. Somebody else throws a rose on the floor, so I’m starting to think that we have some rude-ass people up in this video.

  Shot of a wine glass. This calms me somewhat.

  Then we have Melanie back at the old piano, pounding on the keys, then we cut to some creepy black women wearing disturbing, abbreviated white lipstick. I don’t like these women at all. If I woke up on a random Tuesday night and noticed something like that coming at me in the dark, there would be issues. The kind where I scream and hope that Jesus still loves me.

  Shot of pills on the floor. I think I fully understand why those might be necessary, because the Lipstick Zombie Women have broken out of their holding cell and they are none too happy.

  A few more jump shots, then we focus on Melanie doing a diva stance whilst wearing odd pants that can’t possibly be comfortable. She doesn’t care, because she’s also wearing a really cool necklace that makes up for things like pants that aggravate your nether region. In fact, she’s so comfortable in this scene that she stays there for a really long time, despite the fact that she seems unable to move her legs.

  Shot of a turntable. No idea.

  Then we have yet another clumsy person throwing bullets on the floor, which causes two female twins with bouffant hair to touch themselves, and somebody else (might be Melanie, she’s not showing her face) to use a big-ass piece of chalk to write on the floors and walls of wherever she is, a place that causes her hair to be really frizzy.

  More shots of those pills on the floor, moving on their own (that’s comforting) and the appearance of some odd purple paint that likes to pour itself on things like music sheets and last year’s tax return. Back to Chalk Graffiti Melanie, as she gets really worked up about something while wearing an outfit that can only be described as “somebody wasted a lot of money on fashion school”.

  It grieves me to inform you that the rose previously thrown on the floor has expired, disintegrating amid a slight burst of steam. Hopefully this is a symbol of what should happen to anyone who ever willingly joined the Tea Party.

  Well, dang, the snow-globe also met an untimely end, with water and bits of stuff splashing about. Melanie must really hate working with props. If we’re lucky, she’ll also send the Lipstick Zombie Women back to hell, because I would enjoy my life much more knowing that people who can’t properly apply makeup have been given a permanent timeout.

  Who the hell is that Kabuki chick that just popped up? I’m not even going there.

  We jump cut around for a while, revisiting many of the scenes while scribbled words like “Fear” and “Pain” flash across the screen, along with a disembodied mouth trying to escape from pantyhose. I’m thinking that Melanie is just a tiny bit bitter about her past relationships.

  And we have even more jump cuts, with more appearances from the Zombie Women, Melanie still unable to move her legs while wearing the weird pants, and a disturbing scene where Melanie might just be trying to shove the fringe on her shirt into a naughty place that it shouldn’t go. Honey, you need to watch some reruns of the “Golden Girls” or something, because you’re in a really dark place.

  And we’re back to Melanie in the paralyzing pants, where we have an extended scene with her doing some very nice diva movements with her hands and her hair is being blown about in a manner that is reminiscent of Leonardo DiCaprio standing on the bow of that ship that didn’t have the decency of finishing its maiden voyage.

  The odd purple paint makes another series of cameos, now apparently intent on destroying piano keyboards and light bulbs. But Melanie’s a trooper, and keeps banging on that piano and wearing her uncomfortable pants long enough to finish out her song about people who done her wrong and didn’t even bother to pay for dinner.

  We wind things down with more questionable images, such as empty picture frames bursting into flames and the startling realization that a piano bench has become lodged up in the dress that Melanie wears while playing that ancient piano. But it’s all good. Melanie wraps it up with some quiet warbling and key stroking, working her way back to her quiet place where Zombies fear to tread, content in her knowledge that if anybody else tries to make her life miserable, she’s got a pair of pants she can slip on them that will keep them from being able to move….

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