Sublime - “Santeria”

We start off with two of the band members in what must be their band hangout, crashed on the couch and getting ready to watch some tube and chill. (Something that musicians never do, right?) They have a very special dog that is able to operate the remote control, which is a really sweet deal, because we all know that having to push a button when you don't feel like it can be psychologically damaging. Doggie studies the viewing options and picks out what appears to be an old Western entitled “Santeria”, then he kicks back with a beer and his homies.

In the flick, we meet some of our cast, first seeing “Eric” and then “Bud” (wow, they look just like the modern-day band members!) as they diddle around in an Old West wheat field or some such, sweating. The dog is there, too, but he doesn’t get an opening credit. We get some filler introductory scenes, with Eric and Bud winding up their day, making music under the stars (with instruments, not the Brokeback kind of thing), and waiting for cable TV to be invented. The dog puts up with all of this, sighing, but knowing full well there’s going to be a chew toy proffered at some point if he's patient enough.

Oh wait, doggie does get a screen shout-out after all. It seems he’s “Lou Dog”, and he has interesting visions of a guy that appears to him inside a round ball, just like Glenda the Good Witch did in that movie with happy people running through poppy fields. (Reality check: The guy in the visions is actually Bradley Nowell, the lead singer of Sublime who died of a heroin overdose shortly before this video was made. And the dog was his. Harsh, I know, just keep reading and get back to the funny.)

Next day, our two guys and Lou Dog head into some Wild West town, sauntering down the dusty main street, perhaps in search of some nice Tex-Mex. For whatever reason, many of the townsfolk appear to be horrified at the sight of them, and go dashing off to tell hysterical stories to people probably named Lil and Fanny. At first, this reaction doesn’t bother our heroes, since they ran out of deodorant and bathing facilities three states ago and they are used to this reception.

But still, our heroes finally grow weary of the poor social skills of the residents, and turn to each other to discuss an alternate agenda for the day. This is when they realize that standing right behind them is a very large, very angry man who likes to holler and, most likely, kill people, just because it’s Tuesday. Big Guy’s name is “Sancho”, and he mad. Our heroes take one look at him, quickly realize that their talents lie in making music and not impromptu duels where no one is even bothering to serve refreshments, and the two skedaddle, thundering toward a conveniently-nearby ramshackle building.

Cut to the interior of a fancy saloon, replete with available whiskey, tawdry but fun-loving women in the pleasure business, and our heroes performing for the crowd on anachronistic equipment. (Lou Dog has another vision of his daddy playing with the other guys.) Everyone is having a swell time until Sancho bangs through the door and starts annoying people with his loudness and refusal to quit making his eyes bulge.

Cue a sweet little Working Girl to come running out of one of the “guest rooms”, adjusting her bustier and trying to see what all the racket is about. A title credit identifies her as “La Heina!”, and, despite her presumably grimy bedmates, she really is quite lovely and doesn’t look the least bit worse for the wear. Of course, it’s just mid-afternoon. Things can change.

Anyway, Sancho wanders through the goings-on, and decides that he wants to play him some poker, plopping down at one of the tables It’s very clear that he could easily kill everyone else at the table, so they really need to behave, but some fool in a Wyatt Earp hat decides he’s going to cheat by getting the dog to read Sancho’s cards. Poor Lou Dog. Still waiting on that chew toy and forced into yet another compromising situation.

Well, of course Sancho eventually figures out the ruse (probably because that’s the point where we’re at in the script) and his neck tendons start to pop. Before you know it, he’s tossing people around like panties at a Bon Jovi concert, including our two heroes, even though they did nothing wrong. (Okay, there were playing reggae/ska music in a place where Conway Twitty would be the preference, but still.)

Eventually our heroes end up sprawled on the dirty floor, with really-annoying Sancho yelling some crap at them that turns out to be a demand for a duel. (I had no clue that Big Mouth was wanting a duel until suddenly people were facing off in the middle of the street, wearing gun belts and probably-wet underwear.) Lou Dog, faithful companion, joins our heroes on their side of the standoff, while the rest of us get a glimpse of the shenanigans from between Sancho’s legs, a startling point of view that I don’t remember asking for.

Tensions mount and nerves twitch. Especially Sancho, with veins protruding and head wagging. (If he survives this little disagreement, he really should consider seeing a specialist.) Suddenly, the naughty-but-nice nymphet races out into the street, still wearing her night-night clothes and waving something about. She rushes up to Lou Dog, ties a kerchief around his neck, then staggers off to find a comfortable swooning spot. (Lou Dog gets an additional last-minute gift, this one in the form of another spectral visit from Bradley, playing his guitar off to the side.)

Suddenly, Lou Dog breaks rank and runs toward Sancho, who miraculously decides to quit being so angry and sits down in the dirt to pet and play with the dog. Crisis resolved, because who can stay angry when there’s a cute Dalmatian just wantin’ some lovin’? Maybe Lou Dog should have a second career conducting Mid-East peace talks.

We end with Sancho, Eric, Bud, the former lady of the evening, and Lou Dog, the real hero of the story after all, riding off into the sunset…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.