Rihanna – “S.O.S.”

  We start out with Rihanna shimmying about in front of some tree-bush thing. She’s sporting lots of that body makeup where her skin sparkles like she got a finger caught in an electrical outlet, and she’s performing a dance that seems to be based on the fact that her breasts are fighting desperately to escape the pretty but functionally-questionable dress that she is wearing. There’s a nice breeze blowing that gently caresses all of her various body parts as they compete against one another to get our attention.

  Eventually we switch to Rihanna and an unnamed male companion cavorting in a spotlight that is being splashed on a grey wall. (They didn’t spend a whole lot of time on the set design for this bit.) Rihanna is showcasing a new outfit (something about tight blue-jean cutoffs and eye shadow) and a new dance that involves rubbing against the back and buttocks of her little friend before dropping to the ground on all fours and searching for her water bowl. (The camera catches the guy staring at Rihanna like he really didn’t expect this type of behavior when he innocently picked her up to go get some sushi.)

  We jump again, this time to some place where there’s lots of pink and purple lighting, and a random stylist has made the decision to pile all of Rihanna’s copious hair on top of her head in a sort of poofy, curly bun that is bigger than some planets. (I would imagine that this hair-piling process was a major operation, and that the production team had to hire some extra contractors just for this scene.) She’s accompanied by another male companion, or possibly the same one, who seems really invested in waving his arms around so that they reflect the pretty lights in different directions.

  We zip back to Cutoffs Rihanna in that spotlight, where she has modified her choreography to include energetic movements that make her hair whirl about like she’s helicoptering troops to a secret deployment site. Sidekick Dude has been instructed to clutch at Rihanna’s body in a manner that allows his head to be positioned dangerously close to her hoo-hoo. There appears to be a very interesting story here, perhaps we’ll get to the details in a bit.

  But first we check back in with Green-Dress Rihanna as she continues her advertisement for body cosmetics and whips her really fancy earrings about with complete abandon. (Operation Breast Escape update, for those keeping score: the twins are still bravely fighting for liberation, but the dress is apparently made out of some miracle fiber that manages to keep the detainees in lockup.)

  And now we’re off to another location and another outfit, where Rihanna and four of her horny male posse are doing a line dance that involves arm-waving and baseball caps. In the background, we can see what might be giant ice cubes with their own internal power source that allows them to be lit-up and sparkly like Liberace forgot to put his cufflinks away. I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of those things, because you don’t spend obvious cash on set pieces and only allow them to be in one brief scene.

  Over to Pink-Lighting Rihanna, where she and her hair have wandered into a House of Mirrors, creating an army of Rihannas wearing high heels and a backless jumpsuit. Seeing herself reflected that many times has gotten Rihanna even more lusty than usual, and she proceeds to rub her booty on as many surfaces as possible and do more of that crawling around on her hands and knees business. (Meanwhile, her little companion is enjoying his own set of mirrors, writhing around and loving his own bad self while still managing to keep his sunglasses in place.)

  I guess the two of them are really enjoying this part of the shoot, so we spend a lot of time watching them frolic and undulate while those samples from the old-school Soft Cell song are blaring from the speakers. But even the hardcore fans can take only so much of this symbolic masturbation, so we cut to another scene and outfit, this one involving Rihanna dancing with some other ladies who have discovered the joys of smearing glitter on your skin and then cavorting in places where the wind blows your hair just right.

  All of these lovely lasses have libidos that completely control their bodies, because that’s some sort of requirement in a Rihanna video, so of course they immediately engage in a line dance that allows them to leap about like somebody sprinkled paprika in their panties, as if they were wearing any. While they are doing that, we revisit Green-Dress Rihanna to confirm that the chesty inmates are still trying to jump the walls of the penitentiary.

  Now it’s time for the inevitable product placement, so we have Rihanna wearing Capri pants and fiddling with a Nokia phone whilst she relaxes on a leather lounger. It seems that this is a very special phone that you simply must have, because exploring all the high-tech features of the device can apparently cause you to have instantaneous multiple orgasms, based on the way Rihanna is arching her back and curling her toes in complete ecstasy.

  As if that wasn’t enough excitement, we head back to the room with the spotlight and the boring grey wall, so that Rihanna and all of her various dance partners can perform solos while the ever-present wind whips across the soundstage. The main motifs with this bit of tag-team shimmying seem to include touching your head repeatedly and trying to hump the wind that never stops blowing. Then we jump back to Pink Rihanna in the House of Mirrors, where she is now invested in doing lots of sultry maneuvers that showcase the fact that she is very limber and has legs strong enough to snap your head right off.

  Then we head over to that room with the giant electric ice cubes (I knew we were going to be seeing more of those things) where the whole gang has gathered for more choreography and hormonal release. We kick things off with a drill-team routine where the camera runs down the line of anonymous dancers and allows everyone to perform a signature move that will hopefully transform their careers from “hip-thrusting guy #7” to international megastar. This doesn’t immediately happen, from what I can tell, but you never know.

  Of course, this is really all about Rihanna in the end, so we quickly kick off a montage of Rihanna twirling and kicking in that one spotlight, including some fancy dual-screen imagery in case just one Rihanna is not enough for you to make it through the day. This sets up the grand finale, where Rihanna is hoisted on top of one of the electric ice cubes so she and two of her closest dance partners can perform an energetic ménage a trois based on the insistent beat of the song, with Rihanna’s odd pantyhose (or possible henna tattoos) serving as the centerpiece of the action.

  After a brief return to Pink Rihanna and her beau loving themselves in front of the pleasure mirrors, we close things out back where we started, with Green-Dress Rihanna sparkling in front of the tropical foliage whilst the last few after-tremors of her Nokia orgasm work their way out of her system. For the records, it appears that the prison uprising has been quelled and the naughty prisoners are still locked in their dual cells…

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