We start out with
some aerial shots of some city at night, probably New York City, since nothing
important ever really happens anywhere else. Then we cut to Mary in her
fine-ass apartment, wearing a very flattering sweatpants ensemble as she walks
to one of the designer windows in her living room. She leans her head against
the glass and seems a little sad, probably still a little upset over the
cancellation of “All My Children”.
Then suddenly
she’s in what we’ll assume is one of her many bathrooms, and this one has a
fancy medicine cabinet that you can open up and look stunning while singing a
song. So she starts to do that, because you shouldn’t let such opportunities
pass you by. We get a quick shot of the Chrysler Building, in case you’ve
forgotten that we’re in NYC, and then we have Mary on one of her many beds,
typing out the lyrics of the song on one of her many laptops, the glow from the
screen accenting her poufy hairdo that only certain women can pull off with any
sort of style.
We start getting
flashbacks of Mary and what we’ll assume is one of her many boyfriends having
some type of disagreement. (The boyfriend is played by Terence Howard, but to
make things easier we’ll just call him Chuck.) It’s not clear what they’re
fighting about (is it ever clear what
couples are really fighting about?) but it’s bad enough that Chuck grabs his
designer jacket and stomps out the door. We head back to the soundstage
bathroom so Mary can break it down for us.
It seems that
Mary and Chuck’s relationship started out fine back in the day. But then it was
the next morning and things started to unravel. What went wrong? Well, Mary
sings about it for a while in the top-shelf bathroom, and then she sings about
it in one of her many living rooms, in front of what might be the largest
fireplace known to mankind. She’s really upset and can’t sleep in one of her
many beds because her man isn’t there with her. She keeps checking her phone to
see if he’s called, which he hasn’t, but you’d think she already knew he hadn’t
since she keeps checking the damn thing every two seconds.
Mary heads back
to the designer window to sing an important part of the song where she needs to
use her hands a lot to make sure we understand that it’s an important part.
Then she cries a little bit, in an upscale way where she still looks very chic
and stylish despite the tears. The liquid on her face triggers a flashback to
another time that she cried, in a different apartment that isn’t nearly so
Upper West Side. She’s lying on a fairly boring couch, looking a little blue
and despondent despite sporting another hairstyle that could win awards if we
had time for that.
Chuck comes in
from wherever Chuck goes when it’s not his part of the video, and he sits
beside reclining Mary so he can gently wipe away the single tear that is
artfully perched in the corner of Mary’s eye. He tenderly kisses that same spot
and they gaze at one another with a warmth and devotion that normally only
happens on the Hallmark channel. Then
we start flashing-forward to Mary in her newer apartment because it’s another
important part of the song that requires hand-waving, and this time she throws
in some “the words right are so painful that I have to close my eyes and brace
my body against a designer window until I can control my emotions again”.
Oh, it’s time for
another flashback and another hairdo, and for this scene we have a dinner party
where Mary and Chuck and two hundred of their closest friends are seated around
a dining table the size of Newark. Everyone seems to be having a swell time, so
we’ll assume that Mary (or at least one of her many assistants) made the right
menu choices. She and Chuck spend a lot of time gazing at one another with
adoration and a possible side-dish of lusty thoughts. The guests continue to
drink their wine and chuckle at one another, but really it’s all about Mary and
Chuck maintaining eye contact across the mammoth table.
Now we zip to
another flashback, one that involves a fancy car that Chuck has to assist Mary
out of, probably because she’s wearing a sparkly dress with a short enough hem
that she needs special handling or we might get a glimpse of personal business.
They stroll up a red carpet while cameras flash, apparently heading into a
glitzy ceremony of some kind. (Is this where Mary will finally pick up that
award for her hair?)
Meanwhile,
present-day Mary is still in her deluxe apartment in the sky, doing the “hands
up” part of the song, and doing it in lots of her many different rooms,
especially a new one that we haven’t seen where there are enough candles
burning to make zoning-compliance people a little nervous. (Girl, don’t be
whipping that hair around that room too much, there could be an issue.) Then
the hands are down, and we have modern Mary sitting on that one ugly couch that
I thought was from back in the day, but maybe this is just one big-ass
apartment that has several different time zones.
Eventually we
work our way back to seeing that argument again between Mary and Chuck, with
what looks like some really harsh words and a general dissatisfaction with one
another. He actually gets a little bit physical with her (which for me would
mean instant walking papers for Chuck, but I haven’t had a relationship with
him so I really shouldn’t say). We watch him storm out the door again while
Mary looks tragic in one of her many outfits.
Now we roll into
the part of the song where Mary is holding those powerful notes for a really
long time, so we have to have another montage of Mary in all of her rooms as
she holds them. Since it takes Mary a little bit to get all these vocals out,
the producers throw in a few extra things for us to look at like Mary holding
her head in emotional pain and two sad-looking candles that seem to be burning
down to nothing. (Apparently somebody paid attention in film school on the day
they studied “symbolism”.) We wind down this montage with flashbacks of all the
flashbacks and hairstyles, followed by a closing performance in the designer
bathroom.
We close things
out with Mary opening her front door, probably expecting to see the delivery
guy with Chinese food but instead finding Chuck with his key in the lock. He
just looks at her with a sexy smirk, which is apparently all it takes for them
to get back together, and he walks up to her and they embrace. The video ends
with them clutching one another, and pondering which of the many rooms in the
massive apartment they are going to sleep in tonight. Maybe one that they
haven’t even seen yet? I’m sure there are a few of those…
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