Saturday, September 26, 2009

Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"

So we start out at a church wedding, where Katy is about to get married. The music hasn't started yet, so we're not yet sure if this is supposed to be arty or if someone forgot to turn the sound on. But one of the bridesmaids is a drag queen, so I'm thinking things will perk up in a bit.

Katy, looking innocent and glowing, says her "I do". Then it's time for her beau to make his commitment. There's a very long pause, reaction shots of concerned people around the church, even the little flower girl is looking at him like, dude, YOUR TURN.

When it's clear that he's not going to answer, the music finally kicks in and the whole church starts to boogie as Katy breaks out into song. So we go through the whole first part of the song, with Katy dissing the scumbag who was her true beloved just two minutes ago.

We get to the chorus as the beau breaks free and runs down the aisle, not so much that he's afraid of Katy but more that he wants to get away from old people trying to break dance. Katy clearly isn't finished with her song, so she has no choice but to chase after him.

As Katy and the giant bow she is wearing clatters along behind him, the beau turns a corner and slams into a man dressed as a hot dog. I don't know what message was intended by this little mishap, but I'm glad it happened. People dressed as food are creepy, and they should be knocked to the ground whenever possible.

Katy realizes she's getting nowhere fast in her pinchy high heels, so she steals a pink bike conveniently left near the violated hot dog man. She catches up to her beau as he slips in the back door of some building. (There are no signs to indicate where we are, so either the budget was very low or the prop people were drunk again.)

Turns out the beau has come upon a concert, and the people in the audience immediately grab him and crowd surf him toward the stage. Where Katy is magically on stage, singing more of the song. The wedding dress is gone, and she's now decked out in some retro-80's vinyl and metal gear. We keep getting close-up shots of Katy's waist. No idea why.

Time for the chorus again, and now we're in a garage of some kind. Katy's back in her wedding dress, along with a bunch of backup dancers dressed as brides. They all have really runny mascara and are waving baseball bats in time to the beat. While Katy stands in a car, the dancers do some crappy dance moves involving the bats and a lot of finger pointing.

Then they all converge on the beau, and Katy sings in his face while the dancers march in a big circle around them, making what looks like rude hand gestures expressing displeasure. Obviously nobody lost any sleep over whether this choreography made any sense.

Whoa, now the bride dancers have also found some convenient pink bikes, and everybody is riding one, looking all demonic and wobbly, barrelling toward the beau. He runs for his life, but suddenly stops to answer his cell phone. Like all of us would do when being chased by angry estrogen on wheels.

It's Katy, determined to sing more of her song. I guess home boy gets streaming video on his phone, because there she is in living color, wailing away in her runny mascara. (Katy does her best acting here, really loved the hand motion during the "roller coaster" line. As for the beau's acting? I've seen better emotion from a crock pot.)

He finally hangs up, runs some more, then turns a corner onto a sound stage that's supposed to look like, I don't know, a not-so-classy playground in the Bronx. But hey, all the dancers are having fun here, dressed in street gear and doing lots of pop-and-lock moves.

Then all hell breaks loose as we start jump-cutting all over the place. The bride dancers show back up, doing something stupid in a V-formation. Then we have some crazed hula-hooping little girls and more 80's girls on roller skates. More shots of the strange concert and Katy's belly.

Everybody seems to be having a great time, I'll give them that. I believe the director just said "okay, now I want you to do whatever you think looks hip and rhythmic, and smile a lot like you just got the government check." And do they ever.

The song ends with somebody rudely knocking the beau to the ground. He looks up to find Katy wearing lots of eye shadow and leading a zebra toward him while a rainbow fills the sky behind her. I'm sure this means something. I'll have to get back to you.

Then we're back in the church, where everyone is actually still waiting for the beau to say his "I do." Of course he says it, and the whole church cheers. Because now she's HIS problem and we can all get on with our lives.

Editor's Note:  This is another one of those slightly-older videos where the version I reviewed is no longer available on YouTube, at least not in a decent-quality clip. Sort of makes you wonder why these people play copyright games with each other instead of letting the fans enjoy the videos. Sad, really...


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