Havana Brown, Pitbull – “We Run The Night”

  We start off with a montage of images as Pitbull is using his Announcer Voice to introduce Havana who, based on the glowing praise that Pitbull is tossing her way, apparently invented the solar system or something. We have strobe-lights flashing as Havana, or possibly Audrey Hepburn, sashays into what might be a fancy nightclub or a very progressive church. Since Pitbull is involved, it’s most likely a nightclub, because I’ve never seen him anywhere else. Does he even own a house?

  This opening montage includes the first scenes of Havana and Pitbull standing in front of an intricately-carved door, striking various poses while fans blow air everywhere and stylists are on standby in case something unsexy should happen with the couture. The door must be very important in some way, because we keep coming back to the two of them perched in front of it. Are there record executives on the other side, trying to figure out who else Pitbull can do a duet with before he sets a new record?

  It takes Havana a very long time to make her way down the entrance hallway, indicating some type of navigational issue, but once she enters the inner sanctum, people start dancing and screaming and looking beautiful. In the mean time, we also get shots of Havana wearing what will become two of her signature outfits for the video: a flimsy beige number that might qualify as sleepwear in a bordello and this red ensemble that includes an aggressive bow tied in her hair. More on those items later.

  Havana finally starts to actually sing (in front of the mystical door, naturally), with Pitbull beside her either doing some minimalist choreography or motioning to one of his handlers that something itches. Then we zip over to Hair-bow Havana, as she sits on a red throne and vocalizes. It seems that her voice (or possibly the way she can’t sit still) inspires everyone around her to initiate an orgy right there on the dance floor. We have writhing bodies and expressions of ecstasy piled all over the place. This is not your grandpa’s VFW hall.

  This goes on for a bit, in case we didn’t get it at first that Havana makes everyone horny, mixed in with shots of Havana somewhere else, wearing enough jewelry that she will never get through airport security in time to make her flight. Hair-bow Havana does look especially pleasing on that throne, and the orgy participants nearest the royal seat keep reaching over to paw Havana and show their appreciation. Or maybe they just need extra condoms, because this place is pretty busy.

  Then we roll our way into a sequence where Havana is doing a Madonna tribute by wallering around on some floor whilst wearing what could be a wedding dress. It’s not really clear what’s going on, because they are using a spotlight that only lets us see bits of Havana at one time, because getting the whole enchilada at once might cause us to lose our minds with lust.

  Oh wait, some of her friends from the Orgy Dance Floor have joined her, and there’s more pawing. It must be nice to have companions that will pet you on command. This segment also goes on for a while, with Havana apparently unable to get off that floor, to the point that they should probably call in a specialist. But Havana doesn’t seem to mind being on her back for such an extended amount of time, so they just let her writhe around until she’s motivated to do something else.

  And really, that’s about it, folks. We’ve been introduced to all the locales and outfits, and from here on out it’s a busy mix of those same ingredients: the Pitbull duet in front of the door, the royal orgy in the nightclub and Havanadonna on the floor. To be fair, there’s a lot to look at, because everyone is so energetic and their libidos are fully-charged, but it’s safe to assume that the script for this thing could have fit on the back of a postage stamp.

  Pitbull returns to the mix, of course, with a long bit in front of the special door, where he does his usual spiel about being too sexy for this planet and how a female is not a true woman until they’ve ridden the Pitbull Express. But the red jacket he’s wearing is a nice touch, and it coordinates just right with the ribbon on Hair-Bow Havana. Too bad they’re never in the same scene together so that we can fully admire the matching colors.

  He also spends some time getting rather intimate with Havana, but I’m assuming this is a package deal when it comes to Pitbull. (If you’ve met Pitbull, you’ve met his tongue, what else can I say?) Then he flips us off and demands his paycheck. 17 seconds of work and he expects to be paid. Is he a Republican?

  Then we cut to Havana being a DJ and running the soundboard. Perhaps she does this in real life, so I can’t comment on whatever skills she might actually have in this department, but I think the real reason she’s doing it now is so the editors can jack with the video and create three images of DJ Havana rocking the house. Which they promptly do, so that it looks like an army of Havanas has taken over a disco near you. Again with the fairness, Havana looks quite luscious as she fiddles with knobs and pumps her fist in the air, so seeing three of her doing that is not such a bad thing.

  (That sound you just heard was Pitbull running to his handlers and demanding that he be replicated in his next project. More to have sex with, right?)

  And from here on out we’ve seen it all. Simulated sex, constant bouncing, Pitbull. We do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time checking in with Havanadonna on that floor, but she still appears to be having a good time at that lower altitude so we really shouldn’t judge. And it becomes increasingly clear that all of the Havanas really like to touch their various body parts, but since this ability seems to be a requirement for emerging musical artists these days, we can’t really blame her for that mess, either. She’s obviously studied her craft, and her erogenous zones, very well.

  The last bit of the video involves DJ Havana whipping out a sledgehammer and destroying one of the turntables. This is completely unexpected, and I’m not sure what the message might be, especially since the turntable she suddenly hates is responsible for playing the music that is giving her a career. Then again, I don’t have the special talent of being able to cause crowds of people to have sex just by the way I can sit on a throne or wear a ribbon in my hair, so I’ll just assume that Havana has her reasons for getting psychotic with the sound system.

  The video ends with Havana thrusting the deadly hammer into the air and looking sultry. (That sound you just heard was Pitbull demanding that his handlers run to Home Depot and get supplies for his next project…)

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Pitbull, Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer - “Give Me Everything”

  Note: Absolutely no storyline with this one (except some subtle mess about how you need really expensive electronic equipment if you want to successfully stalk someone) so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing. And here we go…

0:01  Pitbull and companion are sitting on a couch that they probably stole from a Lady Gaga video.

0:05  Close-up of Pitbull so we can study his latest choice of designer shades.

0:07  Shot of Ne-Yo and companion in an elevator larger than most NYC apartments.

0:10  A supermodel joins Ne-Yo and friend, showing off her legs that are apparently longer than Ne-Yo is tall.

0:13  Pitbull does his impersonation of a revivalist preacher.

0:17  Shot of some nice urban lofts that nobody watching this video can afford.

0:20  Ne-Yo’s friend seems to have gotten her blinged-out hand caught in her hair. Ne-Yo keeps singing because they’re on a tight schedule.

0:27  Pitbull does some product placement for Voli vodka. His companion does some product placement for not really doing anything important in a music video.

0:32  Nayer comes strutting along in an outfit that clearly shows she’s a cheerleader for an intergalactic sports team.

0:35  Pitbull makes his trademark sneer that he is the hottest thing on this and several other planets.

0:40  Some woman with perfectly-applied lipstick is watching things play out on a network of security cameras. She probably has trust issues, but we’ll worry about that later.

0:46  Pitbull and Nayer start doing a dance that prominently displays her rocket-ship breasts and his interesting choice of choreography.

0:50  Ne-Yo’s friend still has her hand tangled. But she’s smiling, so she might have a slight bondage fetish.

0:53  Security Girl is watching a monitor where Pitbull looks amazingly like Max Headroom from back in the day.

0:57  Some happy, anonymous people appear to be heading up some fancy stairs toward a bordello on an upper floor.

1:00  Pitbull auditions for one of the “Men In Black” sequels.

1:10  Very brief appearance by Rae Dawn Chong.

1:17  Shot of party reveler being eaten alive by her own hair while her drunken friends just stand there and watch.

1:27  Pitbull and… one of the 4,000 women in this video… standing on a staircase and either discussing world politics or about to have sex.

1:33  Security Girl is unhappy about the politics of dancing on the stairs.

1:39  Ne-Yo on yet another staircase, singing. No sign of his little friends from the ginormous elevator. Maybe they went off to make their own video.

1:47  Security Girl fiddling with more of her cryptic devices. Starting to not care for her. She needs to get up and do a line dance or something.

1:54  Nayer, her tightly-bound twins, and some more bottles of the Voli vodka that apparently paid for this video shoot.

2:01  Pitbull appears to be playing “rock, paper, scissors” with himself.

2:08  Afrojack finally makes his first appearance, so he must have been late that day.

2:13  Pitbull and Ne-Yo appear to be the only males on a dance floor packed with women. Are they at a really progressive convent?

2:17 Female Extra #2,652 and her jacked-up hair does some product placement with a Kodak camera.

2:23  Confused dancer thinks she’s in Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” video.

2:27  Another dancer gets her arm caught between her legs.

2:35  Afrojack helpfully points the way to the bathrooms.

2:45  A UFO lands in the background. People keep dancing.

3:03  Pitbull is back to doing that revivalist preacher thing.

3:15  Security Girl is still watching. Completely over her. Even her lipstick looks bored.

3:19  Both Ne-Yo and Pitbull are stunned by the acting ability of Nayer’s bongos.

3:24  Nayer in a Pit-Yo sandwich. Hold the mayo.

3:29  Security Girl (I think, hard to tell when she’s not fondling a video camera) marches up to Pitbull and tries to strangle him with his expensive tie.

3:35  When Pitbull survives, she decides to just dance around and have sex with him instead.

3:47  Where are Ne-Yo’s hands and why is he smiling like that?

3:52  Requisite shot with everybody waving their hands in the air. The UFO is still in the background, people still don’t care.

3:59  Creepy shot of Victorian stairwell that makes me think of Mia Farrow giving birth to the spawn of Satan. This is probably not what the producers intended.

4:04  Several jump shots of Pitbull taking off his glasses and looking very stern. Are we about to get in trouble for not taking out the trash? (Oh wait, the trash is still dancing behind him, so that can’t be it.)

4:12  The music has gotten very mellow and suddenly Pitbull is standing outside, possibly on a roof of some kind, watching the sun either rise or set. (I’m sure the sun will do whatever he pays it to do.)

4:21  We’re in a long shot, and the camera pulls back to let us see a giant billboard featuring Pitbull in a Kodak advertisement. Pitbull might be guilty of a lot of things, but subtlety isn’t one of them. Fade to black.


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Pitbull, Marc Anthony - “Rain Over Me”

We start out with aerial shots of some desert, with a nice sports car racing along in the blowing sand and dust. We don’t know where the car is headed, but since it’s the desert, it’s most likely not anywhere fun and I’m already losing interest. Cut to a woman staring out a window, her lips all pouty and freshly-painted. Then we suddenly have Marc sitting on a green couch and bellowing the words with an intensity that usually indicates someone needs gallbladder surgery.

Wait, why is Marc starting off Pitbull’s song? Is this going to be another example where the featured artist actually does all the work, and the “main artist” basically sits around in a chair, drinking beer and hollering “that’s right, uh huh” after every chorus? Hmm. We’ll see.

Wait, there’s Pitbull, standing all alone in a patch of cracked ground. He’s got his arms out like he’s ready to meet Jesus, but before we can see if that really happens, we’re back with that car racing to nowhere, then with Marc on that couch, bouncing around and sucking back what I would hope is a nice glass of gin. Meanwhile, Pouty-Lip girl is still standing at the window, apparently unimpressed that Marc can sing and drink at the same time.

Cut to a woman in the desert wearing a pointless dress that is sheer enough we can check on the outcome of her latest waxing. She’s walking away from a perfectly good bottle of vodka sitting on the sand, so you know her priorities are messed up. Before we can ask her what her problem is, we start doing this split-screen thing with Marc and Pitbull. Marc is still sitting on that couch (did they not have a very big budget for this shoot?) and Pitbull is still tromping around in the desert all alone, wearing a suit and his trademark attitude that Jesus should be coming to meet him.

Now there’s another girl, or maybe one of the same ones, it’s really unclear, is fiddling with some sunglasses and appearing to wantonly need something. We don’t have time to get her story, either, before we’re back with Pitbull and his arid hand gestures. Gauzy dress woman comes waltzing up to him, because strangers appearing out of nowhere happens all the time in the desert.

Well, maybe they’re not strangers after all, since Pitbull starts fondling her like he desperately needs to set the oven to 350 degrees. (We get some jump shots of just Pitbull, smirking and very proud of the fact that he just touched some breasts.) Then he’s groping her some more, pretending like it’s a sexy dance, and she’s accepting the groping and smiling to indicate her readiness for plunder, pretending like she doesn’t mind that she now has sand everywhere sand shouldn’t be.

Back to Marc and Pouty for a bit, just so we can be assured they are still drinking and sweating, then we spend some time with a woman who feels its perfectly normal to let a snake crawl all over her body. (I guess she went to a different kind of school than I did.) Then we get to a bit where Pit and Marc are singing together in the desert while the sun lowers behind them. Well, somebody’s singing, let’s put it that way. The other one feels that all he really needs to do is wear sunglasses and the world will love him.

Eventually we have Pitbull encountering another woman wearing a billowing dress who wants nothing more than to have Pitbull touch her inappropriately, followed by some girl swimming underwater. It turns out she’s only doing this so she can break the surface of the water and make herself look just like the promo shots for Wild Things back in the day. (Except that she’s clearly not Denise Richards and probably won’t be marrying Charlie Sheen.)

This doesn’t stop the woman from staring wetly at us forever, waving one of her arms about in a manner that she apparently thinks is sexy, but actually makes her look like Helen Keller on a bender.

Somebody crosses their legs just right, and suddenly we’re someplace very dark, with an interesting image of rain-drenched Marc and/or Pitbull playing on a screen while yet another female gyrates in front of it, doing an interpretive dance of the Stock Market on a very busy day. Just to make sure we don’t forget that all women can’t help but want these two men, we have jump shots of Wet Girl being joined in the pool by other girls who just want to stretch and paw at themselves in a frenzy of passion. (Or maybe it’s the chlorine fumes.)

Then we have a montage of Pitbull and Woman Number…. I don’t know, 84 or something, dancing together in the desert and having the best time despite the heat and the scorpions and the lack of anything moist for miles. Whoops, I guess Pitbull loses interest in her, because now he’s running his hands over another woman (wow, I never noticed that he has really small fingers) while she squirms seductively and he smiles at his own prowess.

This kicks off a veritable parade of women flouncing and bouncing in various scenes, with the central theme being “just dance around like you gotta have you some Pitbull even though you understand that he must be with hundreds of different women every night, never remembers any names, and sure as hell won‘t be signing anything”. Or something like that.

And finally we roll into a mix of everything we’ve seen so far, with revisits to Pitbull speaking the language of thrusting hips with a cavalcade of revolving beauties, Pitbull and Marc doing the “Couple’s Dance at Sunset” thing with both men believing that raising both hands and pointing your index fingers in different directions is very important, and then everybody, including a dance troupe that just happened to drive by, gathers in a part of the desert where it actually rains, and they all do a line dance about the joys of getting wet while wearing black.

Final shot is of Pitbull being lead to a helicopter, which then takes off across the sky. Did the Singing Police finally catch up with him?


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Jennifer Lopez, Pitbull - “On The Floor”

  We start off in what looks like an alley, with a fancy car driving along (It’s a BMW, in case you didn’t notice the prominent product placement as the camera lingers lovingly on the hood emblem) while steam billows and music softly plays. We see Jennifer (or at least her body double) getting out of this car, wearing a black hoodie and her hair perfectly fabulous despite the billowing steam that would destroy lesser women who aren’t millionaires. There’s also a guy in the car, but he doesn’t get out, so we’ll have to assume that he’s not important.

  Jennifer saunters over to another location in the alley, where the odd purple light makes her look even prettier, and she opens a small gift box from “Swarovski”. (That means some serious bling, people.) Jenn pulls out something that might be an earring or some belly-piercing décor or a fancy IUD. It doesn’t matter what it is, somebody spent some cash. You have to respect gifts from a store where people with low credit ratings would be shot on sight.

  I guess it’s an earring, since Jennifer shoves this thing through her earlobe. (Or maybe she just doesn’t understand what an IUD is. She’s a very busy girl and doesn’t have time for research.) Then we cut to… I don’t know what this place is. Presumably it’s somewhere nearby, since we get a quick glimpse of Jennifer, even though she’s wearing a different outfit and sitting in a pose that speaks of royalty and not having to pay taxes.

  Suddenly, in another part of this place that seems to have an overabundance of chandeliers, we see Pitbull giving a shout-out to J-Lo while minions fawn around him. Back to Jennifer in yet another outfit, one that requires her to look effortlessly beautiful while fans blow her hair about. Quick shot of an unnamed mime, with some background detail letting us know that this is either a nightclub or the Paris Opera.

  Jennifer again, first doing something standing near a wall with an odd ballet bar, then another taste of her in that regal outfit which now requires her to sprawl on a fancy French couch. Brief shot of Pit, then more Jennifer, with her fiddling with what might be a hair-based cupcake on her head. And then, BAM, we’re off and running with the jump-cutting. I’ll just have to report what I can catch as things whiz by.

  For starters, Pitbull still hasn’t figured out that he’s not as attractive as he firmly believes that he is. He’s still doing that trademark snarl thing where he sings out of the side of his mouth, not understanding that he looks like a Chihuahua with development issues. We also have some asexual sprite running around with face glitter, and Jennifer doing something that requires her to grasp her head and dance in front of that wall in a glittery outfit so tight that we can see pelvic bone. (Honey, EAT something.)

  Pitbull raps something about backing it up “like a Tonka truck” (he’s so considerate), and then Jennifer does just that, booty-waving with a frenzy at the ballet bar while wearing sparkly high heels. We also get shots of Queen Jennifer and her cupcake on the fancy couch, and then we’re back to Ballet Jennifer and her hair, gyrating and twirling like she is personally responsible for creating enough energy to supply all of North America.

  More jump-cutting, where we realize that Queen Jennifer is possibly being eaten alive by a gold metallic plant, and shots of the dance floor (where did THAT come from) with people so moved by the participation of Jennifer and Bull that they have to do a Line Dance of Worship. Ballet Jennifer does something with her finger and Queen Jennifer does something with her arm. (I believe the entire script of the video is encapsulated in the previous sentence. Just guessing.)

  This goes on for a while, with more of the same quick shots of Jennifer and Pitbull, people achieving orgasm on the dance floor, and nobody ugly permitted on the set. We do have a few new developments, like Queen Jennifer finding a cane under her throne and waving it about, and Pitbull finally coming up with a new signature gesture, this one involving him doing something vaguely Italian with his hand.

  The music suddenly slows down for a bit, but all this really means is that the jump-cutting slows down as well, so that we get to really study the fine artistic subtleties of drunken people losing their inhibitions on the dance floor while a new Jennifer makes an appearance on that same floor, with her carloads of hair and mystifying lack of clothing inciting the extras to shimmy and shake with renewed fervor and disregard for personal responsibility.

  The Newest Jennifer apparently has an incredible ability to get everyone in the club involved in her personal need to express an enjoyment of life via exuberant hand gestures that just might raise The Dead. On the flip side, Queenly Jennifer and Kingly Pitbull gaze disparagingly on Aerobics Jennifer with a certain amount of disdain mixed with slight jealousy that a common citizen who came through the front door of this club has actually gotten the party started.

  More shots of chandeliers. Not sure what’s up with that, but I’m assuming that proper lighting is very important to these people.

  And we continue with more of the same. Common People Jennifer has the crowd going wild, while Queen Jenn and King Pit continue to wrinkle their noses, while simultaneously harboring deep desires to be loved by one and all without having to sweat or pay the salaries of people who shouldn’t be voting anyway.

  Seriously, this theme goes on for a VERY long time. Fly Girl Jennifer gets the street cred, while the Club Royalty finally realizes that maybe they ain’t all that and should start doing the right thing. (A concept that never occurs to the Republican Party. Imagine that.) We do get a brief interlude where Ballet Jennifer (whose party affiliation is not clear) does some nice slo-mo movements while fireflies or nuclear particles drift about around her.

  But really, this is all about The People’s Jennifer, especially when she does a segment where she twirls energetically without actually revealing anything like Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty did. For whatever stupid reason, the producers let Pitbull rap some more, but really, I think we all understand at this point that Pitbull is just in it for the skanky ho’s and the continued disillusionment that he actually has anything to contribute.

  We still jump-cut around for a bit, but it’s no longer important. Dance Floor Jennifer is going to win this thing, hands down, and it’s only a matter of time (seconds?) before the commoners revolt and rip the silly cupcake off Queen Jennifer’s head. As for Pitbull, well, it really wouldn’t be polite of me to bring up his fate in mixed company….

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Pitbull, T-Pain - “Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)”

  Editor’s Note: This is another video set in a dance bar where nothing actually happens, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing again. Here we go…

0:01  Pitbull shows up, standing in what might be a police lineup in the year 2035.

0:04  T-Pain makes his debut in the same lineup, yelling out his name in case we weren’t sure who he was. He’s got on some glasses that would instantly kill anyone who dances too close.

0:07  Quick shot of some woman with an accusing finger.

0:09  Woman on the left has been placed in timeout for an undisclosed infraction.

0:14  Pitbull is apparently about to leave for a safari.

0:21  Patti LaBelle left her wig on the ceiling.

0:30  Accusing woman is startled that we are still in the room.

0:35  Accusing woman changes her tune and decides to have sex with us.

0:41  A giant hand almost crushes T-Pain. Good thing he had those glasses on to scare the hand away.

0:45  Pitbull uses his eyes to shoot laser beams at people who don’t understand his music. (Did I just hear something explode in the other room?)

0:54  Is Pitbull pregnant?

0:59  Okay, maybe it’s not Patti LaBelle’s wig after all.

1:01  Some audience members are confused and think this is a Duran Duran concert in 1985.

1:07  Accusing Woman has Pitbull’s head growing out of her side, which can’t be very comfortable.

1:11  T-Pain has a personal religious moment.

1:18  Pitbull is having some balance issues.

1:28  Pitbull has lost his glasses somewhere. Can he sing without them?

1:40  On the right, Eva Longoria makes a wrong turn and stumbles into the nightclub.

1:42  T-Pain really wants us to stop, in the name of love.

1:45  Or he wants us to fly like a bird. He needs to make up his mind.

1:46  Gratuitous booty shot.

1:51  Gratuitous crotch shot.

1:54  Gratuitous boobie shot. (Look, I can only work with what I’m given.)

2:09  Pitbull is waiting for Scotty to beam him off the Enterprise.

2:13  Pitbull is waiting for someone to throw panties on stage. Trouble is, nobody’s wearing any, so it’s gonna be a long wait.

2:16  Futuristic yoga.

2:21  A radiation blast happens for no apparent reason.

2:23  Is that a giant spider?

2:30  T-Pain would also like to leave the Enterprise. Where the hell is Scotty? Is he drunk again?

2:25  A former flight attendant conveniently points out the exit doors. (Some skills you never lose.)

2:43  Pitbull loses control of his lower jaw.

2:46  Bob Marley’s former DJ is in da house.

2:54  Somebody wearing boots with enormous heels decides to mace the entire audience. They don’t seem to notice.

2:56  Accusing Woman gets her hand stuck in her hair.

3:07  Lady Gaga has arrived to reclaim her planet.

3:12  Pitbull is looking at a row of chopsticks.

3:16  In the lower left, that guy from “Full House” shows up to the wrong set.

3:24  Pitbull is back in the police lineup. No one is surprised.

Fade to black

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Usher, Pitbull - “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”

  We start things off in what looks like it might be a very fancy restaurant where there was some type of misunderstanding and everybody died. Chairs are knocked over and glass is smashed. Then we get a close-up glimpse of a turntable, so apparently music was involved in whatever tragedy took place. As the camera pans the destroyed room, we get ghosty images of dancers cutting in and out. It’s like “The Shining”, except not really and we don’t see Shelley Duvall’s ugly hairdo and screaming mouth.

  Then some evil hand reaches in and gets the record spinning, and we start to see more images of people dancing. Well, I think they’re dancing. It’s basically a lot of hair being flipped around in some type of violent manner. I wouldn’t rule out electrocution, what with all the spilled liquid on the floor. Then one of the piles of shattered glass puts itself back together again, and hops up on the bar as a newly-restored bottle of liquor. So the ghosts and/or the hidden DJ have magical powers? Got it. It’s like “Charmed”, except not really and we don’t see Alyssa Milano’s belly button.

  The music starts and more people flip their hair. We see Usher walking up some stairs, and just in case we aren’t sure who he is, someone body whispers “Usher” repeatedly on the soundtrack. (He’s not vain at all, is he?) Then Usher starts doing some dance moves, because that’s what he’s all about. Of course, he’s got shades on even though it’s very dark in the club, because that’s one of the requirements in music videos. Oh, and he sings, too, in case you were wondering.

  Apparently the extras have been told to stay away from the star, because he has a big chunk of the dance floor all to himself. Or maybe it’s some kind of insurance thing, because Usher likes to kick a lot. The main Usher keeps dancing, but we also have shots of him wandering through the gyrating crowd, probably trying to figure out where the bathroom might be. No one stops flipping their hair long enough to provide directions, which is a little sad.

  Then we start to realize the Ushers are moving at one speed, while the big-haired dancers are moving at another. Not sure what that’s all about. It’s kind of fun and different at first, but quickly becomes slightly annoying. This continues for a bit. (I should also point out a few other music video requirements: It’s important that all the nameless dancers raise their hands over their heads at exactly the same time, and it’s okay if your whipped hair gets in your face, because a nice fan will blow it out of your way for you.

  More singing and dancing from Usher, more sexual writhing by the assembled dancers, and more shots of the mysterious DJ jacking around with the record on the turntable. (At one point, we see that Usher is apparently a fan of that mystifying “pants on the ground” mess. It’s only a short piece, but his pants are clearly way south of his waist, and I’m disappointed that yet another music star is reinforcing dressing habits that will ensure certain youngsters will never get a promotion at their jobs.

  Then Usher is doing some kind of running-slide thing in a big room, and he expertly skids to a halt in front of a large window. Behind him, two women are posed against the window glass like limber black windows. (No explanation is given, they’re just there.) Usher does some more dance steps, fiddling with a hat. Turns out he was performing some sort of wake-the-dead ceremony, because the spider-women come alive and start dancing with him to show their gratitude. It’s like “Interview with the Vampire”, except not really and we don’t get to see Tom Cruise with totally-wrong blonde hair.

  Usher and the preying mantises boogie for a bit in synch, mixed in with some shots assuring us that Usher is still wearing his shades, so you can rest easy on that point. Then they line up and do some Hindu business so it looks like he has six arms. Again, no idea why we’re seeing this, but it looks really hip with the strobe lights, so that’s probably the only motivation. Then Usher dances away and leaves the spider chicks to devour one another. It’s like “Mean Girls”, except not really and we don’t get to see Lindsay Lohan before she lost her mind and started wearing lots of leather.

  Usher heads back to the main dance room, and they start screwing around with the speed of the other dancers, making Usher look really cool because he’s still got his smooth moves, but everybody else seems to be badly in need of a better pharmacist. (The bad drug regimen still doesn’t stop these poor folks from jumping in the air and flipping their hair. This is gonna burn like Pilates in the morning, people.)

  Oh wait, did we just see the DJ’s face? Looks like he’s wearing modified ski goggles, which is odd, but I guess if Usher can sport eyewear, so can he.

  Doesn’t really matter, because we quickly cut to Pitbull in another part of the bar, surround by shimmying lovelies, because that’s in his contract. (He also has shades on, so it’s a wonder any of these people actually found their way home.) He raps away with his usual thing, all about he’s the greatest stud this world has ever seen and the womens can’t wait to have sex with him. Speaking of, someone should probably tell the bevy of anorexic starlets around him that they are supposed to be in love with him, and not in chatting to one another about who has the best Cosmo recipe.

  Cut back to Usher in the main part of the dance floor. The extras have cleared a space for his royal presence, but a select few of the underlings have been allowed to dance with him. These extras dash about and strike poses, not really dancing, including one enterprising floozy whose signature move appears to be bending over and waving her fanny at Usher. He’s not really that interested, having seen that move a hundred times, so she’s replaced by some guy in white spandex that thinks he’s Ziggy Marley.

  Suddenly, Usher jumps about five feet in the air, his mouth wide open and wailing one of the song notes. (Chili dogs kick in?) When he lands, the select dancers kick it up another notch, with everybody really bouncing around, so I guess they all ate at the same restaurant. They seem really invested in doing one move where they put one hand behind their head and flap their arm like a half-ass “chicken dance”. This does nothing for me. I tried, but no.

  And that’s basically it, we have about 30 more seconds of the same thing: people dancing on the ceiling, producers jacking with the film so it appears that everyone but Usher has motor-skill issues, and Pitbull is still off on the side, praising himself while his disinterested harem just sits there and waits for a paycheck. Then Usher and the featured dancers all touch their left breasts at the same time, and the song ends.

   Usher thanks the mysterious DJ and then wanders off while the sunrise is apparently streaming through the windows. Interestingly enough, Usher is not wearing his sunglasses at this time, when they would be most useful. Perhaps I should send him an instructional brochure…


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Enrique Iglesias, Pitbull - “I Like It”

  We start out with Enrique and Pit running up some stairs, heading toward what could be a nightclub, but could also just be Enrique’s penthouse in Miami. (You know that boy’s got some piles of cash laying around.) Anyway, they’re acting like they’re best buddies even though they probably just met five minutes before somebody turned the video camera on. They open the doors, and it looks like the party’s already started, because people are pogo-ing around the room like Muppets on crack.

  And sadly, that pretty much wraps it up for the whole video.

  Oh sure, you get to see different flavors of Muppets, and somebody turns on a big fan at one point for that windblown look, but really, it’s just people jumping up and down while Enrique and Pitbull sing about how much they really, really like it. Sometimes in Spanish, to prove that they’re bilingual and making it seem like there are more lyrics to the song than there really are.

  Pitbull wears his sunglasses the whole time, even though it’s night, inside a darkened bar, so he probably listened to that Corey Hart song as a child. Enrique spends a lot of time doing the same pose over and over, where he has his head tilted down and looks seductively at the camera, leering like he just had sex with the entire Florida peninsula. And yes, it’s kinda sexy, but really, Enrique, we got it the first time.

  Speaking of supposedly sexy, why do so many of the girls think it’s alluring to raise one of their arms over their heads while dancing, and then gaze at their armpit and lick their lips. This does nothing for me. Are there really people out there going, oh my God, she loves her sweat glands, that is so HAWT.

  At 0:26 into the video, one woman just barely keeps one of her breasts from flying across the room. I hope she’s okay.

  At 0:29, another girl apparently gets pulled up to the ceiling by her ear. She’s smiling, though, so I guess she’s having fun.

  At 0:43, there’s a very brief glimpse of Madonna doing a hair flip with enough force to cut glass.

  Amidst all this, people are still dancing in the throes of ecstasy, transformed into a religious frenzy by the power of the music. Most of them have their hands over their heads, including a lot of the guys. Interesting. Is that cool for guys to do now? Back in the day, the dudes had to keep their arms rigidly at their sides, or people would instantly know that you liked show tunes.

  Oh, and Enrique is still singing, not that it matters to these people.

  At 0:50, several very excited girls launch into orbit. They are now the responsibility of NASA. Houston, we have beaver in the sky.

  The successful lift-off motivates Enrique to do the same thing, but there’s an issue with the hydraulics and he instead flies sideways, sliding across a kitchen island and then poking a woman’s breast. Interesting that his finger didn’t stay there very long. Hmmm.

  At 0:54, Kelly Clarkson has the music in her.

  Then Enrique, still trying to gain altitude, starts walking on the back of a couch, which most decent folk would consider rude, but he gets away with it because he’s cute. Then he starts doing this anti-gravity thing, proving how weightless he is. (Now THERE’s an analogy for you.) I guess that mole he had removed weighed a lot more than we thought.

  At 1:28, Enrique briefly channels the Church Lady from SNL.

  At 1:39, Joan Jett has a cameo.

  At 1:47, Robert Palmer’s backup dancers make an appearance.

  Then it’s Pitbull’s turn to sing, and he announces this by doing a Charo howl. He starts rapping away, with his attitude never letting us forget that he thinks he is the sexiest thing to be discovered since Christopher Columbus misread a star chart. He climbs on the coffee table, so I guess domination over furniture is one of the few themes for this video.

  At 2:20, we start with several brief shots where Enrique is making hand motions that a woman should lift up her tight skirt. She basically does, hunching forward across the dance floor like somebody splashed Fresca on her kettle drum. Personally, I think Enrique got a whiff of drag queen and is checking the status quo.

  At 2:30 we learn that Enrique can sing really high for no apparent reason. The sound causes several Victoria’s Secret models to start bouncing on a nearby bed. Of course, the barely-clothed harlots soon commence with a pillow fight, because THAT’S never been done before.

  At 2:49, drunk people are playing patty-cake while riding on the shoulders of other drunk people. Another one of those mystifying activities that I just don’t get. Unfortunately, that seems to be the end of any new material, because the rest of the video is déjà vu, with people dancing in a sexually ambiguous manner, pillow feathers falling through the air onto oiled-up models wearing wristbands as bathing suits, and an inexplicable need to jump in the air as high as you can with your mouth wide open.

  Then Enrique finally leaves the club without Pitbull. (The assumption being that Pit couldn’t bear to part from the many mirrors on the dance floor.) Enrique doesn’t get very far, sitting down on the steps outside. Either he’s very tired after all the dancing and singing, or he’s so ashamed of this video that he doesn’t have the strength to go on.

  I think I’ll go with Option B.



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Pitbull - "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"

Okay, this IS Pitbull, after all, so you know this is going to be a series of hot women tripping over themselves to get to him, but we’ll try to find the artistic quality in it all, okay? Perhaps we can find the inner beauty and personal motivation for each of these lovely ladies. Let’s try that angle.

First we have a woman in a green and gold cheerleader outfit-thingy with yellow high heels. She’s apparently proud of Brasil and she wants to dance about her patriotism. This tribute includes running her fingers through her long hair and making seductive faces.

Insert Pitbull showing that he can count, looking all gangsta.

The cheerleader is back and she’s making out with the Brazilian flag. She loves her country.

Then we have another woman in what appears to be a black-leather airline pilot uniform. Her dance seems to indicate that when she grows up, she would like to help people fly around the world to see their loved ones. And she can count as well!

There are brief glimpses of a woman in some black spandex clingy outfit. We don’t really see enough of her to fully understand her aspirations in life, but she can wiggle her hips and pout her lips. I’m thinking there are a few careers where she can utilize those talents, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

We also get a few shots of a woman in what I believe is called a “baby doll” dress. It probably has a fancier name. She doesn’t seem really interested in being in this video, not smiling or anything. She’s possibly been assigned the “hard to get” role, but she just looks bored.

Oh, look, they just did a tribute to the “Brady Bunch” with the hot women stacked in boxes like the opening of the TV show. That’s cute.

Then we have more of Pitbull acting street, counting, messing with a video camera, and allowing the hot women to touch him in suggestive ways while he stands there and looks disinterested.

Now we have a montage of so many women, I can’t even begin to profile them. They are mostly posing seductively in various states of undress, and making sure we understand that they have ample breasts. Duly noted.

Then there’s a woman in what I believe is a tinfoil two-piece bathing suit. She seems to be proud of several things. She can move her hips while disappearing off the top of the video, she has a tattoo leading into her butt crack, and she is able to face different directions and still maintain her balance.

And now we have biker chicks who really love their big machines. They happy to be ridin', yes they are.

Several scenes are beautifully done to help us understand that Pitbull greatly enjoys three-way sexual encounters. (With women, of course. There’s not another man in this entire video, just tons of busty women that could probably raise the Titanic with all the hydraulics they’ve got going on.)

Warning: Right about two and a half minutes in, a giant breast pokes in from the right side of the screen. It’s somewhat alarming and unexpected, so I thought I’d warn you.

More counting and confirmations that three-ways with women are greatly desired by bilingual rappers who shave their heads.

Wow, that one girl is REALLY oiled up. I hope she understands that she needs to stay away from open flames.

And the song fades away with more dancing, more women realizing their dreams, more limited counting, (Does anyone in this video realize that there are numbers higher than four? Do they have dances that are appropriate for those numbers as well?), and tons of buoyant anatomy saluting the manliness of Pitbull.

But really, folks, if you were just looking for an instructional video to teach your children the joys of counting, stick with Sesame Street. They’ll be better off.

Now, if I can just get that annoying “blah blah blah blah-blah PING” noise out of my head…


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