David Guetta, Usher - “Without You”

  We start out with a shot of our planet rotating complacently, then we focus on Brazil, where it is apparently 6:07am according to a handy title card that pops up. (Why anyone would be up at that unnatural hour, I don’t know, but something must be going on.) We have lots of happy people on a beach, or so it seems, and everybody is waving their hands in the air to the song, so maybe they’ve been up all night at a rave or some such and they’re just waiting for the drugs to wear off.

  Cut to South Africa (9:07pm), with other happy people, but before I can figure out where they are or what they’re doing, Usher suddenly appears on screen. He’s on a beach as well, but it looks suspiciously photo-shopped, so somebody might be lying to us. No matter, he kicks in with the vocals and some arm choreography. His vocals rawk in this song. The choreography, not so much.

  Quick shot of David Guetta taking the stage somewhere, his trademark locks blowing in the artificial breeze of a nightclub. Zip over to Thailand, where it’s 4:07am. (Which also sounds suspicious, since it’s supposedly only two hours later in Brazil. Who’s making the facts up here? Must be a Republican.) This is confirmed when we get a shot of the United States, where it’s 2:07pm, totally ignoring reality, another Republican trait.

  More shots of Usher, thankfully toning down the arm movements for a bit, and a few snippets of David, doing some product placement with a pair of snazzy red headphones. David fiddles with a soundboard, amping the song, and the various crowds around the world get their groove on in a multi-cultural tribute to the joys of a synthesizer.

  Sadly, Usher gets invested in the arm choreography again, but this is balanced by the song kicking into the driving beat that apparently makes everybody on the planet jump up and down. Sadly, part two, this jumping causes seismic faults to split open across the same planet, with parking lots buckling and walls crumbling. In the real world, this would be an issue. In a music video, apparently not.

  As the thumping beat continues and tectonic plates shift, Usher pauses on his fake beach so we can fully study his new hairdo. It’s fetching and all, but it’s not really why we paid the cover charge. So he resorts to more of that arm-flapping business, throwing in some subtle dance moves and some extra falsetto.

  Cut to a couple of blonde girls, sitting on yet another beach and reading on their electronic tablets (because everyone takes those to the beach, right?) that the continents seem to be shifting. Oh? This is something that we didn’t plan for. Are we sure this is covered in the budget?

  As we get more images of those continents going AWOL, Usher keeps wailing away and the rude planet-changers keep bouncing around on the beaches. In fact, they seem to be inspired by the fact that alcohol-fueled rhythmic expression can alter history, so they ramp up the shimmying and shaking. It also seems that applying day-glo face paint makes things even better. You should probably write that down.

  There’s a brief montage of David fiddling with more knobs, then we’re back to the National Geographic footage of dance-inspired global realignment. It seems that all of the continents are heading toward each other and closing the ocean gaps, which is really going to piss off the cruise-line people. But the dancing people don’t care, as long as the music continues and they get to keep wearing glow-in-the-dark headbands.

  The continents finally meet-cute, and all of the various beach-partiers go running toward one another in a universal symbol of togetherness, totally thrilled that they can now increase their Facebook friend total. Everyone seems to get along swimmingly, even though they don’t speak the same languages and a ton of folks just had the market-value on their formerly beach-front properties just hit the toilet.

  We wind things down with everybody partying like it’s 1999 and Prince is still relevant. People are still jumping up and down, which they should probably stop doing or there might be another global shift, but who’s counting. Usher comes out to close the show, although he’s technically not really there, inspiring all the jumping people, including David, to make a heart-shape with their hands. We love everybody. Awwww.

  But somebody still has to pay the bar tab. Just sayin.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Usher - “Burn”

We start out with some artsy shots of Usher’s face, because he is cute and we really shouldn’t forget that, then we cut to him sitting on what might be a confessional chair as he does the spoken-word intro to the song, in a seductive voice that makes us already forgive him for whatever he done did. Apparently he really misses somebody, and then we get a shot of a woman in shadows, with the camera purposely panning to her cleavage so we can fully understand why he misses her. She sheds a tear to show her pain.

Then the camera pulls back from the confessional chair, purposely letting us see Usher’s crotch, so even though these people might be regretful and sad, they’re still horny. (Or at least the cameraman is.) Next we have Usher wandering around his fancy crib and staring out the window, wearing sunglasses because it apparently didn’t occur to him that he should just close the blinds and the sun wouldn’t be so bright. He’s wearing a jacket with a different woman’s image on the back, so he must miss a lot of people.

He sings for a bit, either looking at the plush swimming pool in the backyard or his own reflection in the window glass, not clear. Suddenly we see a woman wandering around the pool (possibly the same woman who cried at the beginning of the video, maybe not), wearing that surely-uncomfortable combo of a skimpy bathing suit and high heels, a fashion choice that I really don’t get. She wanders around for a bit, making sure we can see that her bathing suit has been made out of the least amount of material possible to get past the censors.

Then she dives into the pool, which mystically causes the surface of the water to burst into flames. I’m thinking this can’t be a good development, but maybe they do things differently in California. While Flipperina frolics underwater, Usher continues to sing and not race to her rescue, so even though he might miss her, he’s not all that torn up about it.

Next up we have Usher rolling around in bed with another supermodel, maybe the same one, then he’s fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed while a woman sits in the background, wearing an oversized man’s shirt and looking sad that she doesn’t get to jump into something that’s on fire like her little runway friend got to do. Shirt Girl suddenly tries to hug Usher, but he’s not really impressed with that, probably because he’s trying to sing the song, and he shoves her away so she can go back to being sad on the other side of the bed.

Now we have a montage of various women making out with Usher, walking away from him, and wearing as little clothing as possible. Then Usher leaps off his well-used bed just as it bursts into flames, which is a wise move, making us wonder just what Usher might be eating that is causing all of these things to spontaneously combust. But before we can figure that out and advise on a better diet, we cut to a really expensive sports car tooling around some neighborhood.

Whoops, I guess we weren’t done with showing Usher making out with a string of lovely ladies, so we do some more of that, then we’re back with the fancy car. As Usher and his ballcap drive it around, we notice that one of the supermodels keeps appearing and disappearing from the passenger seat. (A seat that I fully expect to burst into flames, since that seems to be the theme of our little story.)

But no, the seat is safe for now, and instead we cut to the confessional room, where a giant picture of the supermodel starts burning instead. Usher is there, so we can no longer blame anyone else but him for the raging fires that are probably going to jack with somebody’s insurance premiums. Usher must be getting used to flames around him all the time, since he doesn’t run out of the room, singing more of the song and doing some nifty dance steps while the wall melts behind him.

And we’re back in the car, with the main supermodel suddenly appearing in the middle of the road and rudely causing Usher to have to slam on the brakes. (We get a brief glimpse of his angry face just before he does so, so they must have a love/hate thing going on.) Of course, when Usher and his blindingly-white tennis shoes hop out of the car, the woman has pulled a Hogwarts and disappeared again, or maybe she’s just turned sideways and the camera can’t see her because she’s so thin.

Anyway, rather than go look for her, Usher decides that the middle of the street is the perfect place to practice some more dance moves, so he does so. The special message in his choreography must have something to do with dandruff, because he keeps brushing off the shoulder of his jacket. But we are distracted from his footwork when the nearby trees start bursting into flames.

I really think it’s time that someone speak with Usher about controlling his special abilities. Maybe he should go to that nice X-Men school where the trainees learn things like discipline and only killing bad people. But before he goes anywhere, Usher insists on more choreography, this time telling the story of what can happen when you wear baggy jeans at really inappropriate times, with a subtext of how touching every part of your body numerous times can be really fun.

Eventually the song winds down, with a last image of the burning portrait, and then we end with Usher back in his turnstile bedroom, all alone and looking sad that nobody has bothered to make the bed…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Usher, Pitbull - “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”

  We start things off in what looks like it might be a very fancy restaurant where there was some type of misunderstanding and everybody died. Chairs are knocked over and glass is smashed. Then we get a close-up glimpse of a turntable, so apparently music was involved in whatever tragedy took place. As the camera pans the destroyed room, we get ghosty images of dancers cutting in and out. It’s like “The Shining”, except not really and we don’t see Shelley Duvall’s ugly hairdo and screaming mouth.

  Then some evil hand reaches in and gets the record spinning, and we start to see more images of people dancing. Well, I think they’re dancing. It’s basically a lot of hair being flipped around in some type of violent manner. I wouldn’t rule out electrocution, what with all the spilled liquid on the floor. Then one of the piles of shattered glass puts itself back together again, and hops up on the bar as a newly-restored bottle of liquor. So the ghosts and/or the hidden DJ have magical powers? Got it. It’s like “Charmed”, except not really and we don’t see Alyssa Milano’s belly button.

  The music starts and more people flip their hair. We see Usher walking up some stairs, and just in case we aren’t sure who he is, someone body whispers “Usher” repeatedly on the soundtrack. (He’s not vain at all, is he?) Then Usher starts doing some dance moves, because that’s what he’s all about. Of course, he’s got shades on even though it’s very dark in the club, because that’s one of the requirements in music videos. Oh, and he sings, too, in case you were wondering.

  Apparently the extras have been told to stay away from the star, because he has a big chunk of the dance floor all to himself. Or maybe it’s some kind of insurance thing, because Usher likes to kick a lot. The main Usher keeps dancing, but we also have shots of him wandering through the gyrating crowd, probably trying to figure out where the bathroom might be. No one stops flipping their hair long enough to provide directions, which is a little sad.

  Then we start to realize the Ushers are moving at one speed, while the big-haired dancers are moving at another. Not sure what that’s all about. It’s kind of fun and different at first, but quickly becomes slightly annoying. This continues for a bit. (I should also point out a few other music video requirements: It’s important that all the nameless dancers raise their hands over their heads at exactly the same time, and it’s okay if your whipped hair gets in your face, because a nice fan will blow it out of your way for you.

  More singing and dancing from Usher, more sexual writhing by the assembled dancers, and more shots of the mysterious DJ jacking around with the record on the turntable. (At one point, we see that Usher is apparently a fan of that mystifying “pants on the ground” mess. It’s only a short piece, but his pants are clearly way south of his waist, and I’m disappointed that yet another music star is reinforcing dressing habits that will ensure certain youngsters will never get a promotion at their jobs.

  Then Usher is doing some kind of running-slide thing in a big room, and he expertly skids to a halt in front of a large window. Behind him, two women are posed against the window glass like limber black windows. (No explanation is given, they’re just there.) Usher does some more dance steps, fiddling with a hat. Turns out he was performing some sort of wake-the-dead ceremony, because the spider-women come alive and start dancing with him to show their gratitude. It’s like “Interview with the Vampire”, except not really and we don’t get to see Tom Cruise with totally-wrong blonde hair.

  Usher and the preying mantises boogie for a bit in synch, mixed in with some shots assuring us that Usher is still wearing his shades, so you can rest easy on that point. Then they line up and do some Hindu business so it looks like he has six arms. Again, no idea why we’re seeing this, but it looks really hip with the strobe lights, so that’s probably the only motivation. Then Usher dances away and leaves the spider chicks to devour one another. It’s like “Mean Girls”, except not really and we don’t get to see Lindsay Lohan before she lost her mind and started wearing lots of leather.

  Usher heads back to the main dance room, and they start screwing around with the speed of the other dancers, making Usher look really cool because he’s still got his smooth moves, but everybody else seems to be badly in need of a better pharmacist. (The bad drug regimen still doesn’t stop these poor folks from jumping in the air and flipping their hair. This is gonna burn like Pilates in the morning, people.)

  Oh wait, did we just see the DJ’s face? Looks like he’s wearing modified ski goggles, which is odd, but I guess if Usher can sport eyewear, so can he.

  Doesn’t really matter, because we quickly cut to Pitbull in another part of the bar, surround by shimmying lovelies, because that’s in his contract. (He also has shades on, so it’s a wonder any of these people actually found their way home.) He raps away with his usual thing, all about he’s the greatest stud this world has ever seen and the womens can’t wait to have sex with him. Speaking of, someone should probably tell the bevy of anorexic starlets around him that they are supposed to be in love with him, and not in chatting to one another about who has the best Cosmo recipe.

  Cut back to Usher in the main part of the dance floor. The extras have cleared a space for his royal presence, but a select few of the underlings have been allowed to dance with him. These extras dash about and strike poses, not really dancing, including one enterprising floozy whose signature move appears to be bending over and waving her fanny at Usher. He’s not really that interested, having seen that move a hundred times, so she’s replaced by some guy in white spandex that thinks he’s Ziggy Marley.

  Suddenly, Usher jumps about five feet in the air, his mouth wide open and wailing one of the song notes. (Chili dogs kick in?) When he lands, the select dancers kick it up another notch, with everybody really bouncing around, so I guess they all ate at the same restaurant. They seem really invested in doing one move where they put one hand behind their head and flap their arm like a half-ass “chicken dance”. This does nothing for me. I tried, but no.

  And that’s basically it, we have about 30 more seconds of the same thing: people dancing on the ceiling, producers jacking with the film so it appears that everyone but Usher has motor-skill issues, and Pitbull is still off on the side, praising himself while his disinterested harem just sits there and waits for a paycheck. Then Usher and the featured dancers all touch their left breasts at the same time, and the song ends.

   Usher thanks the mysterious DJ and then wanders off while the sunrise is apparently streaming through the windows. Interestingly enough, Usher is not wearing his sunglasses at this time, when they would be most useful. Perhaps I should send him an instructional brochure…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube…

Usher, will.i.am - “OMG”

Well, there’s not a whole lot going on in this video, so I’ll have to dig deep to find the mystical symbolism. I’m sure it’s there, because nobody in the entertainment industry would make a pointless video that means nothing, right? Anyway, here goes.

We start out looking at this old-timey TV set displaying flickering images of Usher and/or poltergeists. Why they would be using an ancient TV like this, I don’t know, because there are plenty of new-fangled sets out there and you know User can afford them. The camera starts zooming in while the music starts and Usher utters “oh my gosh” for the first of 7,235 times. Trust me, you will hate that phrase within two minutes.

Then we apparently enter the TV, just like that movie “Videodrome” where lots of people died. Usher appears to be trapped in a room with lots of blue laser lights criss-crossing the room. (Is he trying to rob a bank? Why is Usher insisting on pretending that he’s poor in this video?)

Oh look, the screen splits into two and now we have will.i.am on the left, in his own room with lasers. His laser beams are orange, though. I’m sure the different colors mean something (rankings on the Billboard chart?) but it’s not clear. We cut between the two for a little bit, so you can understand who is in which room. With two different people singing, it can get very confusing.

Then we have a close-up of Usher, as he’s pulling down what looks like the cowl neck of his black shirt, uncovering his mouth so he can start singing. He wants to love us down, which is nice and all, but you’d think he would have finished dressing before the video started.

Now Usher starts doing what might be dance moves, but they are very complicated and involve a lot of hand-pointing. These gestures seem to make the laser beams move around the room. Quick shot of will.i.am also wiggling and pointing, and suddenly the objective is clear: they have to dance their way past the security system or Tom Cruise will kill them. Got it.

This goes on for a while, so those must be some really smart laser beams. Or the guys just don’t know what they’re doing. Still, I hope they make it, because even if I don’t like the song, I really don’t want there to be a tragic end to this video. Because then they’ll pre-empt all my favorite TV shows while Larry King interviews the survivors, and I don’t think I can look at Larry’s suspenders one more time.

Oh wait, looks like at least Usher made it out alive, because suddenly he’s in a white room with lots of go-go-booted women who can’t keep still. The girls are hopping all over the place, doing things which include troubling crotch-thrusting, while Usher is acting like he’s on the runway in Milan. (Just a suggestion: maybe if the girls weren’t wearing leather bras, they might be a little more comfortable and wouldn’t need to thrust so much.)

Somewhere along the line, Usher picks up a fancy pair of sunglasses. We zoom in on those, and we are treated to reflections of people dancing around. (While Usher poses with his shades, we get quick shots of the lady dancers still trying to get away from the uncomfortable undergarments and the go-go boots.) Hey look, Usher is tapping a finger on the side of his head EXACTLY to the beat of the song. He is SO talented. Gosh.

Now Usher is wearing a trench coat and standing in front of what looks like a steel-plated wall. He does this little spinning move that causes his shadow to split into two shadows, and the shadows start dancing to a different song. Oh, now there’s four shadows. Not sure what the producers are trying to say. Does Usher have multiple personalities? (If that’s the case, I wonder which shadow is the one that didn’t get enough attention as a child?) Or are the producers just too cheap to hire actual dancers?

Okay, what is THIS? Usher is now leaping about two stories high and twirling in the air. Does he believe he can fly? Isn’t that somebody else’s song? This makes the shadows dance even harder, probably because they’re jealous that they don’t have their own jet packs. All of this activity causes the steel wall to drop, and we learn that it was just a fancy curtain. Well, that was pretty disappointing.

Back to will.i.am, who’s still trapped in his laser room, which means Usher is winning at this game. But at least will.i.am has some company now, in the form of another tightly-dressed dancer who really enjoys posing with her booty out while her face is covered in a fishnet stocking. She proves to be a very busy girl, running all over the room like the po-po be knockin’ on the door, but will.i.am doesn’t care, since it’s time for his solo and she can prance around all she wants as long as the camera stays on HIM.

Then we cut back to Usher (I’m assuming it’s Usher, because he’s rudely walking away from us and you can’t really tell) in a room that has apparently been rigged for 3-D filming. I’m only guessing, though, based on the weird red and green out-of-focus crap that is going on. It might just be poor camerawork or the medication I’m taking.

Usher is joined by two male backup dancers, and all of them start puffing on cigars while dancing, because we all know it’s so much easier to keep the beat when you’re sucking burning smoke into your lungs. The tobacco also causes them to do slightly suggestive things with the derby hats they are wearing, like blowing smoke rings while humping the headwear. I’ve never tried this, so I can’t speak from experience, but it doesn’t look like much fun. I guess you have to have a hit album or two to really enjoy it.

Then a red light comes on, and female dancers come piling out from somewhere. The girls mostly gyrate and raise their hands to the sky, thanking the Lord for this gig and the chance to feel tight leather in personal spaces, while the guys do some choreography that involves push-ups, squatting, and standing on their tippy-toes. Meanwhile, some of the female dancers find some convenient metal bars that allow them to spin around like Mary Lou Retton in a porn movie.

Finally, Usher decides that he’s earned his paycheck for the day, so he turns and walks off the set while the camera moves backwards and we pop out of the creepy old TV. Hmm. Interesting. But I'm still waiting for Tom Cruise to show up and take care of those laser beams...


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.