Rihanna – “S.O.S.”

  We start out with Rihanna shimmying about in front of some tree-bush thing. She’s sporting lots of that body makeup where her skin sparkles like she got a finger caught in an electrical outlet, and she’s performing a dance that seems to be based on the fact that her breasts are fighting desperately to escape the pretty but functionally-questionable dress that she is wearing. There’s a nice breeze blowing that gently caresses all of her various body parts as they compete against one another to get our attention.

  Eventually we switch to Rihanna and an unnamed male companion cavorting in a spotlight that is being splashed on a grey wall. (They didn’t spend a whole lot of time on the set design for this bit.) Rihanna is showcasing a new outfit (something about tight blue-jean cutoffs and eye shadow) and a new dance that involves rubbing against the back and buttocks of her little friend before dropping to the ground on all fours and searching for her water bowl. (The camera catches the guy staring at Rihanna like he really didn’t expect this type of behavior when he innocently picked her up to go get some sushi.)

  We jump again, this time to some place where there’s lots of pink and purple lighting, and a random stylist has made the decision to pile all of Rihanna’s copious hair on top of her head in a sort of poofy, curly bun that is bigger than some planets. (I would imagine that this hair-piling process was a major operation, and that the production team had to hire some extra contractors just for this scene.) She’s accompanied by another male companion, or possibly the same one, who seems really invested in waving his arms around so that they reflect the pretty lights in different directions.

  We zip back to Cutoffs Rihanna in that spotlight, where she has modified her choreography to include energetic movements that make her hair whirl about like she’s helicoptering troops to a secret deployment site. Sidekick Dude has been instructed to clutch at Rihanna’s body in a manner that allows his head to be positioned dangerously close to her hoo-hoo. There appears to be a very interesting story here, perhaps we’ll get to the details in a bit.

  But first we check back in with Green-Dress Rihanna as she continues her advertisement for body cosmetics and whips her really fancy earrings about with complete abandon. (Operation Breast Escape update, for those keeping score: the twins are still bravely fighting for liberation, but the dress is apparently made out of some miracle fiber that manages to keep the detainees in lockup.)

  And now we’re off to another location and another outfit, where Rihanna and four of her horny male posse are doing a line dance that involves arm-waving and baseball caps. In the background, we can see what might be giant ice cubes with their own internal power source that allows them to be lit-up and sparkly like Liberace forgot to put his cufflinks away. I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of those things, because you don’t spend obvious cash on set pieces and only allow them to be in one brief scene.

  Over to Pink-Lighting Rihanna, where she and her hair have wandered into a House of Mirrors, creating an army of Rihannas wearing high heels and a backless jumpsuit. Seeing herself reflected that many times has gotten Rihanna even more lusty than usual, and she proceeds to rub her booty on as many surfaces as possible and do more of that crawling around on her hands and knees business. (Meanwhile, her little companion is enjoying his own set of mirrors, writhing around and loving his own bad self while still managing to keep his sunglasses in place.)

  I guess the two of them are really enjoying this part of the shoot, so we spend a lot of time watching them frolic and undulate while those samples from the old-school Soft Cell song are blaring from the speakers. But even the hardcore fans can take only so much of this symbolic masturbation, so we cut to another scene and outfit, this one involving Rihanna dancing with some other ladies who have discovered the joys of smearing glitter on your skin and then cavorting in places where the wind blows your hair just right.

  All of these lovely lasses have libidos that completely control their bodies, because that’s some sort of requirement in a Rihanna video, so of course they immediately engage in a line dance that allows them to leap about like somebody sprinkled paprika in their panties, as if they were wearing any. While they are doing that, we revisit Green-Dress Rihanna to confirm that the chesty inmates are still trying to jump the walls of the penitentiary.

  Now it’s time for the inevitable product placement, so we have Rihanna wearing Capri pants and fiddling with a Nokia phone whilst she relaxes on a leather lounger. It seems that this is a very special phone that you simply must have, because exploring all the high-tech features of the device can apparently cause you to have instantaneous multiple orgasms, based on the way Rihanna is arching her back and curling her toes in complete ecstasy.

  As if that wasn’t enough excitement, we head back to the room with the spotlight and the boring grey wall, so that Rihanna and all of her various dance partners can perform solos while the ever-present wind whips across the soundstage. The main motifs with this bit of tag-team shimmying seem to include touching your head repeatedly and trying to hump the wind that never stops blowing. Then we jump back to Pink Rihanna in the House of Mirrors, where she is now invested in doing lots of sultry maneuvers that showcase the fact that she is very limber and has legs strong enough to snap your head right off.

  Then we head over to that room with the giant electric ice cubes (I knew we were going to be seeing more of those things) where the whole gang has gathered for more choreography and hormonal release. We kick things off with a drill-team routine where the camera runs down the line of anonymous dancers and allows everyone to perform a signature move that will hopefully transform their careers from “hip-thrusting guy #7” to international megastar. This doesn’t immediately happen, from what I can tell, but you never know.

  Of course, this is really all about Rihanna in the end, so we quickly kick off a montage of Rihanna twirling and kicking in that one spotlight, including some fancy dual-screen imagery in case just one Rihanna is not enough for you to make it through the day. This sets up the grand finale, where Rihanna is hoisted on top of one of the electric ice cubes so she and two of her closest dance partners can perform an energetic ménage a trois based on the insistent beat of the song, with Rihanna’s odd pantyhose (or possible henna tattoos) serving as the centerpiece of the action.

  After a brief return to Pink Rihanna and her beau loving themselves in front of the pleasure mirrors, we close things out back where we started, with Green-Dress Rihanna sparkling in front of the tropical foliage whilst the last few after-tremors of her Nokia orgasm work their way out of her system. For the records, it appears that the prison uprising has been quelled and the naughty prisoners are still locked in their dual cells…

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Rihanna - “Where Have You Been”

  We start out in the middle of what might be a swamp, with sunlight or possibly nuclear fallout dancing on the murky waters. Then Rihanna comes floating along, mostly submerged in the questionable water so that only her eyes and her hiney are visible. She’s apparently having a lot of fun doing whatever she’s doing, because we watch her bob along for a while, until she somehow manages to clone herself and we suddenly have two Rihannas, dripping wet and gazing at one another with lust and devotion.

  We start getting glimpses of another Rihanna, this one possibly doing a tribute to Billie Holliday or at least women who like to wear tropical flowers on their head. Okay, maybe this isn’t a Billie tribute, because Rihanna is sort of pleasuring herself with a puffy thing on a stick, and I really don’t recall Billie ever doing anything like that, at least not in mixed company. In any case, this Rihanna is really fond of her little stick friend.

  Then we cut to another Rihanna, this one doing a Harem Girl/Buccaneer Pirate sort of thing, in some desert-looking place where they have lots of really big boulders and some dead trees. She has several male buddies with her, and I guess they must have gotten some sand where it shouldn’t be, because everybody is hopping and jumping around like they have some crevices that they can’t get to. Luckily, this part of the song has a steady beat that accents their medical condition quite nicely.

  This perkiness goes on for some time, with muscles bulging and sweat dripping and pantaloons billowing. Then it’s time for us to move on to a different set, and we join another Rihanna, this one sporting a hairdo that is all about Diana Ross during the “Eaten Alive” time period. She has lots of female friends this time, and everyone up in this grill is very invested in doing things that require them to lie on their backs and wave their legs in the air.

  Then they start doing some aggressive line-dancing, with choreography that is heavy on the pelvic-thrusting, followed by a routine that you might see a high-school flag corps perform, if that high school was Our Lady of Perpetual Horniness and all of the students had lost their virginity years ago. (And where do these people get all this energy? I get worn out just hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock.)

  The next Rihanna is a little more laid-back, reclining in a hayloft or some such and wearing a slinky dress that makes her writhe around and raise her arm to her head. (We get a few quick shots of Billie Rihanna, and we learn that there are now four of them for some reason, so there must be something in the water.) Then we zip back to Hayloft Rihanna for a bit, so she can show us the fancy jewelry that somebody has woven into her hair for no apparent reason other than to justify the cost of making the video.

  And it’s time for some more calisthenics, as we rejoin Diana Rihanna and her backup dancers, although these girls definitely have more moves than the Supremes ever did. This time the gang is doing an interpretive dance which, based on the way everyone is flapping their legs and touching themselves in private areas, seems to be telling the tragic tale of what can happen if you get too close to the campfire while trying to roast your marshmallows.

  Then we really kick it into high gear, with what might be Priestess Rihanna and Vaguely-Hindu Rihanna managing to clone themselves all across the screen as they have synchronized orgasms. In the midst of all this, some guy with a penchant for Keith Haring face-paint shows up long enough to look really angry about something and then he’s gone. We wrap up this section with the multiple Rihannas growing multiple arms and doing a nice Bollywood-on-Acid floor show.

  We close things out with Swamp-Girl Rihanna heading back into the birthing waters that kicked things off, only this time she’s joined by several probably-male dancers who slither and splash about as Rihanna slowly sinks into the swamp and presumably turns into The Little Mermaid Rihanna…


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Rihanna, Calvin Harris - “We Found Love”

  Wow, this one’s a wee bit depressing.

  But anyway, we start out with Rihanna doing a voice-over while we see images of her, random buildings, and she and Calvin sitting in a bathtub, drinking beer and hating each other. She’s rambling on about how sometimes it takes a while to figure out that a relationship might not be healthy, but I’m thinking “honey, if your man makes you let your hair get that trashy, it can’t be good”.

  We get more shots of Rihanna and Calvin in a self-destructive spiral of drugs and hot-but-meaningless sex in random locations, so we know where this is going, we just have a song to get through before we reach that point. Of course, none of this stops Rihanna from wearing skimpy outfits and parading around in a manner that highlights her booty.

  The actual song starts with an exciting lightening storm and Rihanna holed up in some place where the decorating theme involves Christmas lights and the inability to wear pants or a bra. She’s a little blue, and she wants to sing about how she got that way. But before we can provide any comfort, the rest of the video is off and running.

  First we have some mess with Rihanna and Calvin riding on a bicycle and waving about a road flare, more mess with Rihanna running through a wheat-field without her top, and she and Calvin having sex in any location where they can get some traction. She might be troubled about the worthiness of the relationship, but she horny. They drink beer, light fireworks, ride skateboards, and fornicate. Everywhere.

  Next up we have Rihanna and Calvin in a fast-food restaurant, where they find it necessary to take drugs and dance on the tables, much to the chagrin of people who actually have to eat there without the promise of energetic and inappropriate sex. This transitions into a rave scene where the duo apparently can’t shove pills down their throats fast enough. This might explain why some folks question the bottom-line value of a rave. Just sayin.

  Quick re-visit of that place where Rihanna is bellowing the song while Christmas lights blink in non-judgment, then we cut to Rihanna and Calvin basically stealing everything they can from a local convenience store, including a shopping cart which Calvin then uses to transport his jacked-up partner through the streets of the city. They apparently and eventually make their way to a casino that doesn’t mind if the patrons physically violate slot machines when they don’t win.

  Cut to a montage of Rihanna and Calvin not understanding social etiquette, Rihanna and Calvin unable to properly drive a car, and Rihanna and Calvin having huge arguments that result in Rihanna storming away from the improperly-driven car whilst wearing an outfit that no one in their right mind would purchase. (Did somebody design that after watching old reruns of The Mickey Mouse Club? And not the one with Christina, Justin and Britney?)

  But no worries, the bickering duo are soon reunited over a six-pack joint that they happily share, leading to shot-gunning and more bouts of animal sex. Sadly, Rihanna eventually gets to the point where she has a wee bit of a drug reaction outside a sleazy bar, and the authorities have to step in and explain that drug ingestion is not a part of the Food Pyramid.

  Unfortunately, Rihanna doesn’t pay any attention, so we’re back to the cycle of co-dependent pharmaceutical abuse that really doesn’t look good on a resume. But Rihanna must have taken some notes somewhere along the line, because she finally gets fed up, throws up in a really graphic manner that would make George Lucas proud, and stomps into the Christmas-light trashy apartment to pack her things for good. But not before she has a final scene in the apartment where she throws her legs wide open for the world to see, so somebody might need some additional therapy.

  But leave she finally does, and all self-power to her. Which leads to just one question. What the hell does Calvin Harris have to do with this song? It was all your singing, girl. Did I miss a memo?


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Rihanna, Avril Lavigne - “Cheers (Drink To That)”

Note: This is apparently Rihanna’s “personal cut” of the video, with random snippets of concert scenes, bits of what might be vacation footage, shots of people in serious need of rehab, and anything else she could find where she and her friends look cute. So we’ll do the time-stamp thing…

0:03 Over-eager and possibly drunken fans chanting Rihanna’s name because someone has turned a camera on them and people act a fool when that happens.

0:10 Rihanna does her own makeup? Who knew? (And why?)

0:13 Fireworks in the sky. Or an angel having an orgasm. You decide.

0:20 Rihanna driving a car somewhere. (That girl has some serious amounts of billowing hair, how can she see where she’s going?)

0:32 First of an amazing number of crotch and booty shots.

0:35 A scantily-clad Rihanna appeals to a higher power to help her get through yet another concert.

0:40 Rihanna apparently doesn’t understand that Whitney Houston already did the “ginormous bow in hair” thing back in the day, and we didn’t care for it then, either.

0:47 Rihanna shares her tongue with the world. Thank you.

0:55 Rihanna wears sunglasses bigger than her head.

0:58 Rihanna drinks a shot of something while on stage. We’ll assume it’s not water.

1:04 Avril Lavigne drinks something as well, and wants more.

1:08 Avril happily allows herself to be shoved into a swimming pool whilst riding a skateboard. These things can happen when you’re raised in Canada.

1:18 That’s one serious room-service spread. Holler.

1:29 Something unseemly is happening in a parking lot, no faces shown for legal reasons.

1:39 Is Rush Limbaugh off his meds again?

1:58 More angels having orgasms.

2:13 Repeat of Avril, the skateboard, the swimming pool, and wetness.

2:15 Rihanna sports hairdo bigger than Jupiter.

2:19 Correction. This hairdo is bigger than Jupiter. Was there a competition of some kind?

2:24 Rihanna samples island-grown produce. I’m sure it’s not the first time.

2:30 Rihanna is very proud of her nether region.

2:36 Rihanna attempts to outdo Liberace. Hits fail blog. But shows us her fanny as compensation.

2:44 People walking around backstage. Not exactly the most inspiring footage ever shot.

2:46 Rihanna and friends crawling under table. No explanation given.

3:07 I’m guessing there was an incident in Las Vegas. One of those things that’s supposed to stay there and never be talked about again.

3:25 Rihanna has far too much fun waving a flag.

3:39 Rihanna performs CPR on a conch shell. Conch shell proposes marriage.

3:49 Something to do with confetti and surprise attacks.

4:00 Rihanna welcomes the rest of her people to this planet, points out location of shopping malls.

4:14 More with the Vegas outfits. Clearly there’s a secret club that I don’t know about.

4:25 Startling mix of hand shadow and crotch placement, as Rihanna dismounts from balance beam and receives perfect 10.

4:30 Poor decision to allow drunken people to drive watercraft.

4:30 Cocktailed Rihanna and her hair holler something unintelligible, video ends. Presumably, Avril is still being shoved in that swimming pool somewhere. Guess she's still pining for that Sk8er Boi…


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Rihanna - “California King Bed”

We start off with Rihanna lying on the ground somewhere, sporting another one of those outfits that looks like sleepwear but is probably something she would wear to church. There’s a gentle breeze blowing and the sound of a nearby ocean, and all this nature causes Rihanna to start touching her head in a loving manner, caressing her vibrantly-colored locks in a very intimate way.

Cut to some gauzy curtains billowing in the wind, probably symbolizing that we don’t have much of a plot yet, then more of Rihanna writhing seductively on her back, some shots of trees, Rihanna, curtains, trees and finally our first partial shot of that bed that hopefully Rihanna will eventually get around to singing about if she would just quit rolling in the dirt and get her ass off the ground.

I guess she heard me, because now we have Rihanna standing somewhere, with her and her hair looking sultry. But she must still be a little tired, since we cut to Rihanna in an interesting chair where she keeps touching herself (girl is really proud of the merchandise, just sayin’) and doing something odd with her leg.

While we wait for Rihanna to pay attention to us instead of herself, we get a full view of that bed. Holy cow that thing is wide. You could comfortably fit the entire Brady Bunch in that thing, including Alice, Sam the Butcher, and that annoying cousin Oliver that nobody really liked. I think I am in love with that bed, and I can certainly understand why someone would want to write a song about it.

On cue, the music starts, and after Rihanna fiddles with the curtains for a bit, we find her in bed with what we’ll assume is today’s physical love interest. While Rihanna eyeballs the very-appealing pecs and plays with his nipples like she’s making taffy, she begins warbling the song. Then we cut to Standing-Up Rihanna, as she poses in front of a nice bank of clouds and does yoga or some such.

As Rihanna really starts grooving to the song, we start getting jump cuts of Rihanna all over the place. It’s not really clear what she’s doing in some of these shots, because those damn curtains keep getting in the way. Then we’re back to the bed, with Rihanna and Beau snuggling on one tiny corner of it, which seems like a waste. Maybe they rent out the rest of the bed to other couples?

Whoops, now Rihanna is magically floating to the other side of the bed, symbolizing the emotional rift that has developed in their relationship (even though they probably only met a few hours ago). Rihanna, looking tragically forlorn, gets off her side of the bed and starts wandering around, while Beau just sits on his side. (Why is everybody in this video so tired?)

At this point, Rihanna starts making love to parts of her house, singing and touching things seductively, like door frames, windows, and thousands more of those curtains that are hanging everywhere. (Was there a really good sale on window treatments somewhere that we need to know about?) Right about 2:08, one of the curtains appears to have a small orgasm while swaddling Rihanna’s turrets. How nice.

Beau is still just sitting there on the bed. He’s pretty boring. No wonder the relationship grew stale over the course of the morning.

Rihanna revisits that one chair where she likes to thrust her knee in the air while doing deep-tissue massage on her scalp and shoulders. She sings for a bit, then glances over at Beau, possibly wondering if they can make it work after all. But he hasn’t moved at all, so it doesn‘t look very promising. To be fair, he may be confused about which curtain leads to the bathroom.

Frustrated with Beau’s lack of concern or movement, Rihanna heads out a patio door onto a fancy deck. This causes all the color to drain out of the video, and we now we’re in black and white. No explanation is given, but we’re just here for the beer, so whatever. Rihanna sashays up to a wall, which she leans against while doing some very fine acting, which includes making sad expressions, waving her arms about in disappointment, and, of course, touching her hair.

I think it’s fairly clear at this point that Rihanna really, really enjoys her hair. They tight.

Oh wait, the color just came back into the video, so I guess we’re done with the emo and serious part. Rihanna goes back to making love to various architectural pieces of her house, then she wanders over to a stand of trees with leaves the exact color as her hair. (I bet that cost a fortune.) Rihanna waves her arms some more and wiggles about in her underwear. (This should not come as a surprise to anyone who has seen her other videos.)

Meanwhile, Beau is off somewhere else, possibly in a sauna or shower, a room that must have special powers because the sweat and/or water that should be rolling down his body is instead rolling up. I have no idea what this means. But if he really does sweat the wrong way, I don’t see how the relationship can work. Proper plumbing is critical if you want to stay together.

Rihanna is very tired again, so we see her back on the ground in that little grassy area. She and her hair flop around some more while the song starts winding down, with arms flailing and auburn tresses whipping about like a Harvest Festival weed-eater. (For the record, Beau is still sweating the wrong way, but we’re over that by now.) Rihanna and her panties seem quite content, though, despite the pain of the impending breakup, so we shouldn’t feel too sorry for her.

Oh, look, now Rihanna is back on her feet, snuggling once again with Beau and his tattoo. Are they getting back together? Can they work it out? Does either of them own actual clothing? Rihanna isn’t saying. She just gives us another sultry look and then disappears behind one of the 400 billowing curtains…


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Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi - “All Of The Lights”

Side Note 1: There’s a disclaimer with the video that we also have vocals from Fergie, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Tony Williams, Alicia Keys, La Roux, The Dream, Ryan Leslie, Alvin Fields and Ken Lewis. Seriously? Did they record this song at a Grammy after-party? Anyway…

Side Note 2: You might not want to watch this if you have any type of seizure tendencies. There’s some irritating strobe-light business going on…

We start out looking at a letter board with lots of names and numbers. We have no idea what this thing really is. It could be an apartment directory or some weird stock exchange. Who knows. Cut to a little girl opening a door, and we immediately feel sorry for her, because some wicked parent or guardian has forced her to wear a scarf around her neck that is bigger than she is. But the little girl is a trooper, so she and her neckwear and backpack head out into the snowy streets of some city.

The little cherub wanders around for a while, probably because she can’t see where she’s going and is just walking until she slams into something, then she’ll adjust her plan. Then we start seeing images of what might be an apartment complex, or perhaps a mental institution for people traumatized by things around their neck. Back to the little girl, still trudging along and trying to breathe, It’s dark now, so this poor thing has been marching for a while. I hope she has some snacks in that backpack.

And here we go with the really busy part of the video. Words are flashing and zooming all over the screen in a variety of colors and fonts. It’s interesting for about three seconds, and then you’re over it. Apparently somebody doesn’t understand this, and it goes on forever. Rihanna’s voice shows up during this bit, and she has quite a mouthful to say, so I’m already thinking this is one of those “featuring” songs where the guests do all the work while the supposed main singer plays Scrabble.

Two hours later, the words finally quit flashing, and we see Kanye make his debut, first on top of a police car (no idea), followed by him holding his head, and then some shots where he might have been involved in some domestic violence. It seems that somebody was doing something they shouldn’t have, and people got slapped, and then somebody else went to jail. Not really sure.

Back to the squad car, where Kanye is busting some moves on the roof, or at least doing something with his hands that might possibly be coordinated with the beat of the song. Even though there are several police cars in this odd alley, we don’t see any officers, so who knows what happened to them. (Did Dunkin Donuts just open?)

Oh my, Rihanna just made her onscreen debut, and the poor thing is wearing what looks like a horse’s bridle on her headlights, and that’s ALL she’s wearing. She’s trying to be sexy and seductive, but she has to restrain her movements or we’re going to see nipple, and we know how that turned out for Janet Jackson. Back to Kanye thrusting his arms around some more while he straddles the lightbar on top of the police car. He’s really insistent about something, but I’m just waiting for him to slip and fall, because that’s how I roll.

More Rihanna, with her nipple-limited dance moves (she basically waves one hand over her head while swaying back and forth approximately 2 millimeters). Then she throws caution to the wind and gives us a side view, making it clear that there’s really no reason for her to be wearing anything at all at this point. At least the security-screening people at the airports will appreciate her getup, because it’s obvious that she’s not hiding anything anywhere.

Now Kanye is in some room where it’s necessary for different-colored lights to flash all over his body while he performs a dance that I can only describe as “Cave Man Looks For Bush To Pee Behind”. Then we get a close-up of his face, so we can see his designer shades and jingling bling, because you’re really not a pop star unless you have such. He also insists on looking at the ground instead of at us, and this is very annoying.

More shots of the little girl. She’s still out on the streets, her head balanced on the killer scarf, and she’s looking around in all directions. (Is she trying to find the rest of Rihanna’s outfit?) Zip back to the alley with the police cars, so Kanye can do some more mystifying moves while law-enforcement personnel remain AWOL.

Next we have a close-up on Rihanna‘s face, and she really is pretty, so I really don’t get the need for her to choose couture that lets us check the status of her latest Brazilian wax. Well, shoot, we go back to the full figure shot, and you can tell that Rihanna is a bit over the harness thing, because she does the same few simple moves, and then turns her spotlights toward Tokyo.

Oh look, now it’s time for Kid Cudi in his red leather jacket. It looks like somebody forgot to explain some fundamental rules to him, because he faces away from the camera the whole time. (Has he done something lately where he’s concerned that people might recognize his face?) Whatever his reason for the doing that, it doesn’t stop him from waving his arms all over the place and jiggling like he really needs to find a bathroom, stat.

And we’re back to Kanye on the police car. It’s obvious to me that we’ve milked this setting for all it’s worth, but nobody asked me to direct the video. To make it even more annoying, Kanye is just standing there, trying to look all street while trumpets blare on the soundtrack. (Does he think he’s in “Rocky XXII: Sylvester Stallone Done Spent All His Money And Needs To Fight Somebody Else”?)

Kanye poses for a very long time. We even get a close-up of his shoes. None of this is necessary in any way and my attention is waning. I start hoping that Taylor Swift will walk around the corner and set Kanye off, because at least that would be interesting.

Aw hell, now we cut to more of the blazing and jittery words flashing across the screen. I was over it the first time, and now we’ve got an encore. During this mess, the director of the video (Hype Williams, like that’s a real name) keeps splashing his name like he’s really proud of this part. He shouldn’t be. This segment goes on forever as well, with all the people supposedly singing on the song getting a shout out, along with the food service people, somebody’s dog, and a list of good criminal lawyers.

And we end with a series of colors jittering on the screen. That’s one way to finish things up. But I’m more concerned about the little girl. Did she ever get that damn scarf off her neck?



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Rihanna - “S & M”

Wow. I didn’t think that Rihanna could surprise me at this point, but holy cow.

Okay, we start out with Rihanna sporting a frizzy red wig and shoving her face at the camera like Tina Turner in that infamous bit as the Acid Queen in “Tommy”. Cut to Rihanna being dragged out of somewhere to a press conference where she’s speaking to “Cox News”. (Uh huh.) Interestingly enough, both her handlers and the press people at this conference are wearing… well, let’s just say a it’s a surprising accessory that one won’t see on “Good Morning, America”.

Rihanna is dolled up in an outfit (well, a partial outfit) that has words printed all over it. We can’t really read these words, because Rihanna is kicking her legs in the air like she needs to whisk some eggs. More shots of the Acid Queen, then the handlers are shoving Rihanna on a stage, where they then attach her to the wall with heavy-duty cellophane while cameras flash. I’m so thinking that Rihanna might not have the best PR people on her staff.

Back to the Acid Queen bit, where some guy in stupid pants and electrical tape is being dragged in, so that Rihanna and what looks like Pink can take torture him. Zip back to the press conference, where reporters are kissing Rihanna through the cellophane. Then Rihanna manages to sing a bit, even though I’m amazed that we can hear her through all that plastic sheeting. (Is that Candy Crowley in the press pool? Poor thing. She must have pissed somebody off at CNN.)

While Rihanna sings on the stage, the reporters are writing things like “Slut” and “Totally starving for attention” in their notebooks. (Big surprise.) Meanwhile, headlines are running across the screen about “Daddy Issues?” and “God, I hope there’s an open bar after this”. Despite being trapped in cellophane, Rihanna has plenty of room to perform all the hand choreography necessary to tell the depraved tale of how she thinks that S&M is really neato.

Now we have Rihanna wearing a questionable flat hat and waving a cigarette holder about as she prances in a beige leather outfit. This Rihanna apparently lives in an otherwise pleasant suburban house, except at this dwelling Rihanna likes to lead a man around on a leash so he can tinkle on a pink fire hydrant. Then she whips him for his naughtiness.

Did I mention “holy cow” at any point? I think so.

Brief visit with the Acid Queen again, then we’re back at the press conference where nobody has left the room like they should if they are really professionals and not just horny and bored. The press seems to be throwing things at her, but she’s got that plastic sheeting to deflect airborne objects, so it’s all good. We have another visit to the Acid Queen house, where folks are apparently fornicating with any object that they can find. Is there something in the water?

Now we have a medley of the press conference where Rihanna likes to be orally violated and the Acid Queen’s boudoir where everybody likes to be violated, especially if they are wearing leather with studs. Rihanna is still insisting on shoving her face at the camera whilst wearing a wig that has its own zip code. In the background, some folks who probably know Adam Lambert are posing in aggressive couture and trying to make even table condiments look sexy.

Well, then. Now we’ve got Rihanna wearing a pink bathing cap and matching thigh-high boots. She’s fondling a bucket of either pink popcorn or condoms, and sitting in a chair that conveniently spins around so she can do high-kicks and shove things in her mouth suggestively. This is interspersed with glimpses of that press corps tied up in some room that’s probably not approved by the International Journalist Society.

Rihanna doesn’t care. She and her pink latex pick up a whip-thing conveniently located nearby, and then she proceeds to torture her captives while posing seductively and winking at the camera. I don’t know what happened to that one guy’s shirt, but he probably should have begged harder to keep it on. Sayin.

Oh, look. Now Rihanna is in some room where she’s been forced to wear a polka-dotted leotard and a wig stolen from Fraggle Rock. Some Boy Scout must have stopped by, because she’s been tied up with some interesting knots that cause her colorful high heels to point skyward along with her booty and, somehow, her nipples, even though she’s on her stomach. Sort of. Rihanna rolls around and tries to get free, but she’s not really trying all that hard. I guess I haven’t seen enough subtitled foreign films to fully understand all of this.

Back to Pink Latex Rihanna with the press corps, where she’s apparently hungry and is chewing on her cute little pink whip. I can’t really speak for bondage aficionados, but I’m thinking she needs to take that thing out of her mouth. If the leather gets too mushy, it won’t elicit the proper response from your sexual captives. (I only know this because of an unexpected viewing of “Big Brother After Dark” on Cinemax.)

It doesn’t really matter, because Rihanna seems to be having a swell time dominating people that she normally wouldn’t even have a conversation with, but she really needed to get this video out. As if to prove her dedication to her craft despite all the hiccups in the production process, Rihanna places some tape over the lips of a female reporter and then kisses her. This reporter pretends to be appalled, but you know she’ll be making a very special entry in her diary tonight.

Next up is Rihanna wearing a Lolita wig whilst doing some kind of shimmy dance in front of giant newspaper headlines. Her lips are apparently important in this part of the video, because we keep getting shots of their dewy wetness. (Is that a bow or bunny ears on her head? Not sure.) And there’s some more of that Fraggle Rock mess, with Rihanna still not trying really hard to get loose and change into another outfit.

Now we’re at a twisted office party, where people are wearing colorful but stupid outfits and Rihanna is modeling a dress made out of a melted-down Barbie Malibu Camper. She’s sprawled across a desk, and you know nobody in this place can get anything done while she’s doing that. For some reason, Rihanna actually places her hand over her crotch when the camper dress rides a little high. Seriously? It’s a little late for her to think about being discreet.

And we wind things down by jumping around to all the soft-porn sets that we’ve visited thus far, and we learn that nothing new is really going on, mainly because Rihanna has already shown us every position in the Kama Sutra and she’s out of material. Oh wait, I spoke a little too soon. Rihanna slaps on some Carmen Miranda drag and then proceeds to seductively eat a banana with her coral pink lips instinctively caressing the fruit. Maybe she was low on potassium.

I guess Rihanna found the produce angle to be exciting, because now she’s shoving strawberries in her mouth while sporting a hat made out of mutant cherries. And then we’re on to the Dairy section of the supermarket, so she can tongue an ice cream cone with jewels as sprinkles. This is followed by more jumping around to see what her slutty friends are up to, and I can only say that I will never look at blow-up dolls in quite the same way again.

Fade to black…




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Rihanna, Jay-Z - “Umbrella (Orange Version)”

  Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why this is called the “Orange Version”, but it does sound considerably different than the radio single that dominated the summer a bit back in the day. I actually like it better, and with 20,000,000 YouTube hits, I’m thinking other people feel the same, so let’s go with this version…

  We start off with a shot of Rihanna in one of her typically trampy outfits, this one involving leather, a hat, and lots of Rihanna’s glistening sweat. She’s reclining on a fog-filled stage somewhere, probably trying to build her strength back up after saying “ella” 246 times.

  Cut to Jay-Z, also on a stage, and surrounded by a bevy of slightly-Asian beauties wearing hoodies and dark sunglasses. There’s a constant shower of sparks falling down during this segment, and I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. It looks kind of dangerous, but Jay-Z is down with it since it seems kind of fun as long as nobody gets electrocuted. (We get brief glimpses of Rihanna still lounging on that other stage, doing the “eh…eh” part of the song.)

  Jay-Z keeps doing his rap-sing section of the song, and it’s abundantly clear that his lyrics really have nothing to do with the original words, but this is not important because it’s Jay-Z and everybody knows that you should just let him do his thang. (The slightly-Asian girls continually cast their eyes at Jay-Z like every word he raps is the most important thing that they’ve ever heard. One of the girls is so inspired that she turns around to show us that her hoodie is emblazoned with something sparkly.)

  Jay-Z finishes up and runs off to collect his paycheck. Cut to Rihanna, finally standing up after her catnap, and we can see that she’s wearing another one of those outfits where she has to be really careful with her arm movements or ta-ta’s will be set free. She performs a few dance steps, which mostly involve touching her head and shoving her booty at the camera.

  Then Rihanna does a nice “Flashdance Tribute” move, which causes giant ice blocks to melt and suddenly waves of water are splashing our girl. To deal with this deluge, Rihanna changes into a white outfit that clings to her body when it’s wet, because if the rivers are going to rise, you might as well look sexy for the rescue party. This goes on for a bit, with Rihanna slapping away the attacking water in ways that are sure to accentuate her heaving breasts.

  Oh look, now Rihanna is a ballerina walking across the stage on her toes. (Interestingly enough, we don’t see the upper half of Rihanna doing this very difficult toe-balancing, so I’m thinking “body double”.) We do get some upper-body shots of Rihanna waving an umbrella about, but you can’t see her feet. You can see that Rihanna’s current outfit is putting a lot of pressure on her nether regions. How can this girl even breathe?

  Now Rihanna is in another room, with fancy moldings on the walls and her wearing some odd fishnet stockings that indicate the girl really didn’t pay any attention in church. Somebody has given her an umbrella do dance with (imagine that, considering the name of the song) and she does so with gusto. This also goes on for a while, with Rihanna making it very clear that she loves devices that can protect her from the elements. (I hope that umbrella remembered to wear a condom.)

  Wait, what’s this? Rihanna is now completely covered in silver paint and touching herself with aggressive self-appreciation. What has this got to do with anyone standing under her umbrella? Does she have mercury poisoning? Oh my, it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with wearing clothes, because Rihanna isn’t doing so during this sequence. She strikes a number of artsy poses that let the world know she has a personal trainer. (And I’m here to tell ya, if a man tried this, the video would never make it to the airwaves. Word.)

  Okay, we’re back to Rihanna without any Rustoleum spray-paint, and she’s now invested in singing to us over her shoulder, so someone must have mentioned that this is hot in some way. Her vocalizing causes lots of extras to come running on stage with umbrellas, and a shower of sparks to start falling from the ceiling. (Didn’t Jay-Z just do the same thing a bit earlier? What up?)

  Oh, now I see the difference. The stage is now flooded with water while these umbrella people cavort about and do synchronized movements. Well, that’s a good thing, to mix electricity with water. Nothing bad can happen when you do that, right? Clearly, these dancers must not be in a union of any kind, or they wouldn’t have to do any of this life-threatening crap.

  This goes on for a while as well, probably because it costs a lot of money to flood a soundstage so you might as well make the best of it. Rihanna shows us her belly button while the extras do some water-and-sparks choreography. (The take-away from this sequence is that it’s really important to arch your back when sparks are falling on your head. And if you can synchronize your movements with other people in your posse, then things will look really cool even if you die in the process.)

  The video wraps up with Rihanna twirling her umbrella while the extras dive face-first into the deadly water gushing about the stage. To make sure that we understand Rihanna is the sexiest woman on the planet, she fondles her breasts and then beckons us to come take the place of her crappy umbrella and put out her fire.

  Sorry, honey. I am not wading into that water filled with electrocuted bodies. If you ever make it to dry land, give me a call…

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Rihanna, Drake - “What’s My Name?”

  We start off with random shots of some city. It’s probably New York, because I seem to recognize the bridges, but it’s really not important. Cut to a convenience store of some kind, where Drake is standing around doing nothing, and Rihanna, and that new vibrant hair of hers that I’m not used to, comes waltzing in with a piece of fishnet caught in her ‘do.

  Drake decides that he’s got to have himself some of that, so he follows Rihanna and her mismatched outfit to the dairy aisle, where Rihanna presumably just wants to buy some milk. Drake starts rapping, and his words make it very clear that the most important thing to him, ever, is having sex with women who accessorize with fishing gear. He bumps up against Rihanna, and instead of slapping him like a normal New Yorker would do, Rihanna wants him so bad that she drops her little carton of milk, creating a mess on the floor. She likes her spilled milk however she can get it.

  At one point, with both of them humping the reach-in refrigerator, Drake waves his hand like Rihanna all stinky, but she lets this pass as well, proving that she must be drunk because a sober Diva would not put up with hints that she’s unclean in some way.

  Now we start getting shots of Rihanna sitting in a plastic chair, and glimpses of various people on the streets. We don’t know who they are yet, so we don’t care. More shots of Rihanna making love to herself, followed by shots of Drake trying to take over that job assignment. (We also seem to be focusing on Rihanna’s choice of various shades of nail polish. No explanation is given. Maybe we’ll find out what that means later.)

  Next we have Rihanna, in her… I don’t know, Pussycat Dolls-joins-the-circus outfit, parading up and down various streets. (At one point she feels the need to shake her booty outside a discount clothing store, so I guess she really likes a good sale.) We’re also seeing more of those other people walking around, and most of them seem to be carrying drums, or things that could be used as drums in a pinch. Are we headed to a tribal celebration of some kind? Stay tuned.

  Rihanna decides to pour Drake some alcohol, even though I’m thinking it’s really not necessary, he’s already willing to do anything that Rihanna wants, as long as that anything includes nakedness and the sounds of bed springs creaking. They toast each other, probably because they both got invited to perform at the MTV Music Awards.

  Back to Rihanna still marching around on the streets, and people tromping along to somewhere that requires them to bring percussion instruments. Brief shot of what might be Jason Castro from that one season of American Idol where questionable people made it really far. (Oh wait, that would be all of them.) Jason is just carrying a set of drumsticks, without the drums, so maybe he didn’t read the whole email.

  At some point, Rihanna decides that she really loves a particular stretch of chain-link fence, so she proceeds to cootchie up to it and rub body parts on the metal to show that she’s hot for things that keep people away from her. Except for Drake. More inserts of Rihanna and Drake fondling each other’s fine couture and acting like they can’t live, if living is without some slap and tickle.

  Rihanna sings the amazing line: “Every door that you enter, I will let you in.” First, if he’s already entered, then whether or not you want him to enter is a moot point. Second, you nasty. (To underscore this point, we have a quick shot of Rihanna from behind, wearing short shorts so tight that I’m surprised her love box isn’t waving a white flag.)

  More people walking with drums. They really need to resolve this angle of the story. How many times can you see people jaywalking with modified things that you can beat on?

  Montage of Rihanna and that hair from various angles. And more shots of Drake trying to score him some Umbrella Ella. Lots of shots. With no actual scoring. Dude needs to carry through or get out, know what I’m sayin?

  And finally, we get to where all these drum people were heading. It appears to be one of the portals to Hell, so I don’t really know if this is a good thing. But folks don’t seem to mind, especially Rihanna. While most of the party happily beats on drums, Rihanna takes advantage of yet another opportunity to gyrate in her skimpy outfit. In fact, she marches to the center of the gathering so we can clearly see that she is wearing some badly-manufactured pantyhose. This inspires the drummers to beat even harder, so I guess nobody cares about quality craftsmanship anymore, as long as there’s a rhythm that they can follow.

  Pointless shot of Rihanna and Drake eating Chinese takeout, followed by a shot of Rihanna hitting Drake with a pillow, because that’s super sexy.

  And we close things out with a montage of Rihanna and Drake not really having sex, Rihanna still in love with metal fencing, Rihanna still in love with hair that could help a plane land, Jason Castro pounding on drums at the entrance to Satan’s lair, Rihanna straddling that plastic chair in a blouse that somebody forgot to finish making, and another cameo from Rihanna’s nails, clutching Drake’s hand in a firm grip indicating that Drake will probably not get to spend the night.

  Final shot is of Drake leaning in to do something with his mouth to Rihanna’s ear. Based on her expression, it doesn’t matter what he does. Nobody gets to stay in a Rihanna video any longer than she wants them to…


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Rihanna - “Only Girl (In The World)”

  We start out with Rihanna wearing a headband and a billowy outfit, making her look like she’s on her way to Woodstock, but just a bit late. She’s in the middle of some field, with amber waves of grain and such, and she’s slowly waving her arms about, so maybe she’s praying to the Earth Mother for another hit single. Wait, she’s already got enough of those, so she doesn’t really need any more.

  Cut to Rihanna standing in front of a wall of flowers, none of them blooming as much as Rihanna’s hair. We also have shots of Rihanna in a small, barren valley, wearing a bustier and some sparkling panties. Back to Flower Rihanna, where she’s doing something odd with a caterpillar boa. Whatever she’s doing, it’s making her happy, and that’s all that really matters. Oh look, the boa is making her shake her booty and thrust her chest forward. That’s one naughty boa.

  Back in the valley, Rihanna is throwing clothes around, which is kind of rude, but she gets bored with that and starts playing with her massive hair. (Maybe she’s looking for Amelia Earhart?) She struts around and claps her hands, because she’s got the music in her and her body just can’t stay still. More shots of Flower Rihanna and her caterpillar friend.

  Long shot of Rihanna doing something on a hill, then another long shot of her twirling near a really big-ass tree. (I didn’t realize that Rihanna liked nature so much.) Valley Rihanna is still fascinated with her hair, but this doesn’t stop her from occasionally caressing her lips like they are the finest silk on the planet. Flower Girl does a weird thing where she falls back into a bed of roses, and you know the poor thing snagged herself on a thorn or two. But Rihanna’s a trooper, writhing around in the roses like she can’t wait for somebody to butter her bread.

  We jump-cut around for a bit, then we have Rihanna prancing around in a river of flowers. For whatever reason, the wind is really blowing in these scenes, like Dorothy and Toto better scoot for cover. Again, Rihanna doesn’t really mind, because the strong gusts of wind make her tiny little skirt fly up and cool things off. River Rihanna sure does love those flowers, running about and fondling stems. She’s even inspired to use one of the flowers as a microphone, probably the one thing that Lady Gaga hasn’t thought of doing.

  Now Rihanna is somewhere else, fiddling around with a flimsy shawl that appears to have rabbit tails attached to it. The soft dangling fur inspires Rihanna to once again perform moves that accentuate her breasts. (Speaking of, this scene also has lots of balloons floating around for no apparent reason. Rihanna might be the only girl in the world, but she’s not the only balloon.)

  Yet another scene, with Rihanna wearing an outfit as if a circus performer was getting dressed for a show, but then got distracted and never finished. She finds a giant wooden rose just laying there in the field, and naturally assumes that the rose needs some lovin’. So Rihanna, because she wants to make ALL her fans happy, practically rides the rose as if it’s a Revival at the Church of Panting Tramps. (Based on the wooden rose’s reaction, I think the rose likes it best when Rihanna does aerobics while wearing high heels.)

  And now we have Exploded Tutu Rihanna, as she twirls on another hill and belts out the rousing chorus of the song. This dress makes Rihanna wave her hands some more and jump around, which is probably not a good idea because her ass could go tumbling down the side of that craggy hill, and Lingerie Sales around the world could plummet, losing their best customer and all.

  Thankfully, Rihanna finally gives up on singing on that particular hill. But instead of going to sing somewhere safe, like a nice, flat pasture or a recording studio, Rihanna clamors on top of this rickety wooden structure sticking out of a lake that we didn’t notice before. (Rihanna probably had the lake special-made for this shoot. She’s got the cash.) Once at the peak of this obvious deathtrap, Rihanna starts up again with the arm-waving and the posing like a Greek Goddess flying through the sky to destroy lovers who have disappointed her with their couture choices.

  Oh, and look at that, now Rihanna has managed to find a swing that is apparently anchored to a cloud. She’s swinging to and fro, making even an innocent childhood activity look overwhelmingly sensual, and then she apparently has at least one small orgasm. (Does this woman ever do anything that doesn’t sexually stimulate her in some way?)

  And we roll into our final few set-pieces, with Rihanna thrusting herself into the sky while fireworks explode around her. Now she’s wearing something really fringy, which might not be a good idea what with all the sparks from the fireworks, but she didn’t consult me. She dances around for a bit, and if she was going for the Ann-Margret look, she found it, although I’m not sure Rihanna would know about such a thing.

  Now Rihanna is gyrating in front of that giant tree we glimpsed earlier, but it’s nighttime at this point, and they’ve hung what looks like giant glow sticks all over the tree. The glow sticks flicker a little bit. (Girl, quit dancing on the power cord!) The song winds down as Rihanna turns and runs toward the tree. I’m guessing one of the thicker branches caught her attention…


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Eminem, Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

  Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

  Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

  Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

  Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing so in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

  Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charlie from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charlie. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

  The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charlie can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

  Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start pounding on one another again.

  Then I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charlie’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charlie can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

  Quick scene with Charlie displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

  Back in the present, Charlie tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

  Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

  Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charlie walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charlie and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charlie decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

  Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

  Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charlie is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

  Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charlie doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

  Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charlie on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charlie miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

  Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

  Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charlie…




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Rihanna, Young Jeezy - “Hard”

We start out with Rihanna at some military camp, at night, where she is trouncing around in front of some soldier types and apparently barking out orders in Swahili or some such. I suppose she might be informing them of the details on their stealth mission, but it’s really hard to pay attention because her outfit has shoulder pads shaped like the Sydney Opera House. There’s no telling what this means. Maybe she has a crush on Hugh Jackman?

Then we start flashing to some scenes where Rihanna, looking really overheated yet tired at the same time, prances around in her panties sporting bits and pieces of military gear. None of these pieces would actually protect her in any way on the battlefield, but she’s definitely aiming for some type of look. Enlisted Erotica? Curiously, she’s got strips of electrical tape over her nipples, even though she’s wearing a shirt and there’s no need to hide the little critters. What is this all about? Do her nipples sometimes fall off if she dances too hard?

Complicating the plot even further is that Rihanna appears to be doing the panty-dance in some trashy shed that houses some serious looking weapons. It’s a little hard to see what’s going on, because the lighting is really dim and spotty in an effort to make Rihanna look mysterious and naughty. I’m thinking the panties and the electrical tape already took care of that angle.

Now we start cutting back and forth from the soldier training camp, where Captain Rihanna is making the men perform aerobics of some kind, to the sex shed where Enlistee Rihanna is gyrating and jacking around with the helmet on her head. It seems that she might be having comfort issues with the headgear, because she keeps glancing all over the room while tugging on tufts of her hair sticking out of the helmet. Or maybe she’s just really fidgety.

Oh, look at that. Now we’ve got some new scenes, with Rihanna marching across some desert while unseen planes try dropping bombs on her. She’s wearing this mind-boggling outfit that appears to be made entirely of very long and very skinny pyramids, so that she looks like a porcupine on acid. This would explain the planes that are trying to kill her. If something like THAT came strutting toward me, I’d bring in the military as well.

It takes Rihanna a very long time to make it across the desert, not so much because she has to avoid the exploding shells all around her, but more because she stupidly keeps stopping to twirl around in her futuristic outfit and makeup, and stare into the camera with pouty defiance. Girl, get your ass off that field or you’ll never make it to the Grammys on time.

Then we’re back to more scenes of the dancing cadets, where they have picked up some special moves while we were gone, and the slut shed where Rihanna is showing us that she picked up some moves as well, and most of them emphasize the fact that she has breasts. Other than that, nothing new is really going on here.

Whoops, I lied. Captain Rihanna suddenly pulls out a machine gun (where the hell was she storing THAT) and she starts firing it into the night sky while the cadets stand completely still in perfect formation right behind her. (I wouldn’t move either, not when Grace Jones is anywhere near me and has a weapon.) Then we have more of the slut shed, where Rihanna has discovered that she also has lips and is showing those to us as well.

Okay, now we’re cutting between Porcupine Rihanna still not done crossing the desert, and a new personality that we’ll call Mud-Wrestling Rihanna. This new chick spends some of her scenes thrusting her pelvis while standing on sandbags and surrounded by armed and muscled soldiers, and the rest of her screen time wallering around in some pig sty that appears out of nowhere.

Mud Girl spends a lot of time rubbing the oozing muck all over her barely-clad body, helping us understand that she has womanly curves, in case we hadn’t noticed before or didn’t get the Twitter post. Somewhere, a costume designer is crying as Rihanna insists on destroying call-girl couture with slimy mud.

As Slut Shed Rihanna is singing and showing us that she doesn care for small penises, we get shots of another personality where she’s playing cards in some tent with a lot of swarthy-looking men in t-shirts. I guess this version of Rihanna gets bored with the card game, because she suddenly kicks over the table and then makes the men arm-wrestle each other as she walks out the door with all their money.

Now we have Minnie Mouse Rihanna. Not kidding. She’s still in panties, but she’s also wearing a mouseketeer hat and standing on top of a tank that has been painted pink. Since she can’t just ignore the huge cannon sticking out of the front of the tank, she decides to hop on the gun and squeeze it with her legs while still managing to look sweaty and unsatisfied. (Um, did anybody clear this with the Disney people?)

Then Rihanna is in another military outfit, this one involving netting of some kind over her head but still does not involve pants or even a nice skirt to cover up her business. The netting covering her face is also trailing behind her, making her look like a widow and a bride at the same time. (It’s slightly possible that Rihanna is making a political statement, but more likely that she just though the look was cool.)

Then here comes guest rapper (isn’t there ALWAYS one of those these days?) Jeezy, doing his bit of the song while tires are burning nearby and extras drive jeeps to stir up the dust and make everything look gritty and realistic. Then Jeezy jumps on a tank that is not pink and helps liberate a village or something as fires flare here and there.

Shortly after this, he throws down the lit cigar that he’s been chomping on to show that he’s all macho and stuff. Dude, do you not see that crap burning all around you? Damn, son. Put your butt where it goes. Besides, Rihanna is around here somewhere, probably still wearing all the dried-out netting. One spark and she might REALLY have something to sing about.

Then we have more scenes jumping around to all the Rihanna personalities, so I guess she’s still alive. Just to keep things interesting, there’s one final outfit for Rihanna to show us. This one is some kind of Mongrel Warrior versus Cher-on-the-aircraft-carrier getup, where only very thin strips of leather are keeping us from an FCC ruling. Rihanna then performs some type of flag corps drill routine where it appears that the rest of her squad did not show up. Just guessing, but something tells me that Rihanna had never waved a flag in her life before this scene.

And that’s about it. We run through all the Rihanna incarnations one more time to make sure we’ve seen all her cute outfits. She’s still barking orders at cadets, trudging across the desert and dodging bombs, and straddling a cannon with gusto and military precision. We end the show back at the slut shed, with Rihanna making more of the Swahili vocal noises to indicate that she is still unsatisfied and sure could use something hard so she can end her tour of duty.


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