Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Rihanna - “California King Bed”

We start off with Rihanna lying on the ground somewhere, sporting another one of those outfits that looks like sleepwear but is probably something she would wear to church. There’s a gentle breeze blowing and the sound of a nearby ocean, and all this nature causes Rihanna to start touching her head in a loving manner, caressing her vibrantly-colored locks in a very intimate way.

Cut to some gauzy curtains billowing in the wind, probably symbolizing that we don’t have much of a plot yet, then more of Rihanna writhing seductively on her back, some shots of trees, Rihanna, curtains, trees and finally our first partial shot of that bed that hopefully Rihanna will eventually get around to singing about if she would just quit rolling in the dirt and get her ass off the ground.

I guess she heard me, because now we have Rihanna standing somewhere, with her and her hair looking sultry. But she must still be a little tired, since we cut to Rihanna in an interesting chair where she keeps touching herself (girl is really proud of the merchandise, just sayin’) and doing something odd with her leg.

While we wait for Rihanna to pay attention to us instead of herself, we get a full view of that bed. Holy cow that thing is wide. You could comfortably fit the entire Brady Bunch in that thing, including Alice, Sam the Butcher, and that annoying cousin Oliver that nobody really liked. I think I am in love with that bed, and I can certainly understand why someone would want to write a song about it.

On cue, the music starts, and after Rihanna fiddles with the curtains for a bit, we find her in bed with what we’ll assume is today’s physical love interest. While Rihanna eyeballs the very-appealing pecs and plays with his nipples like she’s making taffy, she begins warbling the song. Then we cut to Standing-Up Rihanna, as she poses in front of a nice bank of clouds and does yoga or some such.

As Rihanna really starts grooving to the song, we start getting jump cuts of Rihanna all over the place. It’s not really clear what she’s doing in some of these shots, because those damn curtains keep getting in the way. Then we’re back to the bed, with Rihanna and Beau snuggling on one tiny corner of it, which seems like a waste. Maybe they rent out the rest of the bed to other couples?

Whoops, now Rihanna is magically floating to the other side of the bed, symbolizing the emotional rift that has developed in their relationship (even though they probably only met a few hours ago). Rihanna, looking tragically forlorn, gets off her side of the bed and starts wandering around, while Beau just sits on his side. (Why is everybody in this video so tired?)

At this point, Rihanna starts making love to parts of her house, singing and touching things seductively, like door frames, windows, and thousands more of those curtains that are hanging everywhere. (Was there a really good sale on window treatments somewhere that we need to know about?) Right about 2:08, one of the curtains appears to have a small orgasm while swaddling Rihanna’s turrets. How nice.

Beau is still just sitting there on the bed. He’s pretty boring. No wonder the relationship grew stale over the course of the morning.

Rihanna revisits that one chair where she likes to thrust her knee in the air while doing deep-tissue massage on her scalp and shoulders. She sings for a bit, then glances over at Beau, possibly wondering if they can make it work after all. But he hasn’t moved at all, so it doesn‘t look very promising. To be fair, he may be confused about which curtain leads to the bathroom.

Frustrated with Beau’s lack of concern or movement, Rihanna heads out a patio door onto a fancy deck. This causes all the color to drain out of the video, and we now we’re in black and white. No explanation is given, but we’re just here for the beer, so whatever. Rihanna sashays up to a wall, which she leans against while doing some very fine acting, which includes making sad expressions, waving her arms about in disappointment, and, of course, touching her hair.

I think it’s fairly clear at this point that Rihanna really, really enjoys her hair. They tight.

Oh wait, the color just came back into the video, so I guess we’re done with the emo and serious part. Rihanna goes back to making love to various architectural pieces of her house, then she wanders over to a stand of trees with leaves the exact color as her hair. (I bet that cost a fortune.) Rihanna waves her arms some more and wiggles about in her underwear. (This should not come as a surprise to anyone who has seen her other videos.)

Meanwhile, Beau is off somewhere else, possibly in a sauna or shower, a room that must have special powers because the sweat and/or water that should be rolling down his body is instead rolling up. I have no idea what this means. But if he really does sweat the wrong way, I don’t see how the relationship can work. Proper plumbing is critical if you want to stay together.

Rihanna is very tired again, so we see her back on the ground in that little grassy area. She and her hair flop around some more while the song starts winding down, with arms flailing and auburn tresses whipping about like a Harvest Festival weed-eater. (For the record, Beau is still sweating the wrong way, but we’re over that by now.) Rihanna and her panties seem quite content, though, despite the pain of the impending breakup, so we shouldn’t feel too sorry for her.

Oh, look, now Rihanna is back on her feet, snuggling once again with Beau and his tattoo. Are they getting back together? Can they work it out? Does either of them own actual clothing? Rihanna isn’t saying. She just gives us another sultry look and then disappears behind one of the 400 billowing curtains…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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