We start out at a cute little outdoor wedding ceremony at a cute little church in a cute little town, with folks in the audience craning their necks, either waiting for the bride to make her debut or looking for the guy that sells hot dogs. We get a glimpse of what looks like the groom and his Best Man, and they’re both smirking, so we already know something’s up. Especially since the one guy is wearing a yellow tie.
Next we have the teeny flower girl and the tiny ring bearer, toddling up the aisle like little kids do, not really understanding why they are here and looking confused about things like air, sunshine and walking in a straight line. Cut to Miranda somewhere else, sporting earrings longer than most people’s feet, and a jacked-up hairdo, making her look really, really tall. (Does she think she’s the Tower of London?)
Miranda launches into the song, and we can tell that she’s really pissed about something because she’s already singing with an attitude and her eye makeup is really intense. Cut back to the wedding, where Miranda as the bride is tromping up the aisle with her really young-looking daddy. (They get started early in the South, yes?) She’s all smiles right now, beaming at the assembled crowd, but judging by the way she’s clenching her bouquet she is ready to CUT somebody.
Close shots of Miranda’s smoldering eyes zeroing in on her hubby to be. He either gulps or experiences a really severe gas bubble.
Then Miranda scans the rest of the folks, and we start getting more of the story in flashbacks. First we focus on one hussy wearing a polka dot dress, trying for that Julia Roberts/Pretty Woman look and getting nowhere near. Seems the groom has been playing slap and tickle with this little chippie. That’s really swell of him. (And her. Two to tango, right?)
Miranda continues sashaying up the aisle, glancing about. (An aisle that is only about 10-feet long, so they must be walking really, really slow. Maybe it’s the heat. Or the grits.) Fake Julia Roberts apparently figures out that Miranda knows what’s been happening in her panties, so Fake Julia plops down in a nearby folding chair and gets all pouty. We don’t feel sorry for her at all. (Maybe if she had worn a cuter outfit?)
Then Miranda spies a redheaded woman with a plastic smile. Yep, the groom has been playing cowboys and Indians with her as well, fondling cue sticks in a pool hall and rubbing all over each other as Missy straddles the pool table and pretends to make tricky shots. Miranda gives Missy a withering glance so she can get all pouty as well.
Well, hell, there’s another tramp, this one a blonde who got schnockered one night with the groom and we see them stumbling down a street, staggering toward presumable random and sweaty sex. (In the midst of this, for whatever reason, we get a really good look at the preacher man waiting for Miranda. He looks like he could have performed with the Grateful Dead. What’s up with that?)
Back to Blondie and the groom cheerfully consummating their naughtiness, then once more to Miranda, finally nearing the rest of the wedding party at the altar. But nope, we’re not done with the cheatin’ and the hateful glances just yet. Miranda now focuses on her Maid of Honor, who is wearing far too much makeup and not enough hair product. She’s shared more than just a rehearsal dinner with the groom, getting a big ole helping of his meat and potatoes.
Does this guy ever sleep? Geez.
Miranda turns to face the groom, all aglow, and then spills the tea. Turns out Miranda has been playing squat tag on the side as well, and she runs into the arms of the Best Man. They smooch, apparently picking up right where they left off the last time they met. Shots of the crowd reaction, with some of them giggling and the rest just staring blankly. (Are they ALL feeling guilty? Just who in the audience hasn’t been toasted by the groom?)
And it gets even better. As Miranda and Best Man waltz back down the aisle, the startling preacher man hands his Bible to the groom, then snatches up the Maid of Honor, slurping on her hand before the two of them dash down the aisle as well, letting the world know that Maid’s offering plate has been filled by a lot of patrons. The groom turns and goes into the church. (What? He’s going to lead the congregation now? That’s rich.) The final shot is of Miranda smirking at the camera, she and her earrings all triumphant.
This totally changes the definition of “sleepy little town”, don’t you think?
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