Gwen Stefani, Akon - “The Sweet Escape”

We start out with images of Gwen and her high-glam hairdo apparently being held in a prison of some kind. At least I think it’s a prison. We have bars and cells and tacky striped uniforms, but everything seems to be made out of gold, and there are Gucci “G’s” all over the place. (I guess Tom Ford gave his approval, or at least donated a few of his personal accessories.) Oh, and Gwen’s two backup-singer girls are in a cell as well, so whatever bad thing they did, they did it as an ensemble cast.

Anyway, the camera continues to jump around, showing us all the bling as well as Gwen assuming bored poses and pouting a lot. We finally get to the singing, and unfortunately it kicks in with those Akon “woo-hoo’s” (I am NOT a fan, let’s just say that), which nearly derails the video for me. Luckily, Gwen chooses this moment to do one of her trademark “throw my hands in the air because I really enjoy having breasts” dance routines, winning me back with her form-fitting perkiness.

Then we get a montage of images proving that Gwen can basically wear anything and drape herself across all furniture and still look chic and really cool, and we have to do this for quite a bit because somebody sure found a lot of gold-themed outfits for her to wear. Eventually Akon shuts up and Gwen gets down to the actual singing business. While she warbles and struts in her couture, we start getting glimpses of the backup girls doing odd things and having far more fun doing so than anyone initially intended.

At one point, Gwen gets our attention (like she has to really try, but anyway) by sitting on a gold mat in a mirrored room and kicking her striped legs with enough frenzy that she could power a small city. Then she leads the backup girls in a rousing sing-along in the glitzy cafeteria, complete with synchronized hand-movements and utensil choreography. Girl sure knows how to keep herself occupied in this high-end slammer.

We also have a parade of Gucci products being thrust randomly at the camera, so I’m assuming the original video came packaged with a pricey catalog, probably signed by Tom himself or at least containing a shiny golden strand of Gwen’s Blade Runner bouffant. And if any of the props on the set had room for the “G” symbol, the production staff stamped one on there.

Like often happens in prisons, Gwen manages to steal the key to her cell from a blinged-out dog that happens by, and she proceeds to make her escape. But first we have to cut away to Akon (ugh) singing part of the chorus, as well as the trio of girls flitting about and finishing up all the different dance routines they’ve started, because they practiced really, really hard and ain’t nobody going nowhere until they’re done. Then we finally see the trio running down the cellblock aisle in a dash for freedom and rooms with actual windows.

Two hours later (says so right in the video, not making it up) we cut to another room somewhere, still Gucci-styled but containing a different Gwen, this one with a startling amount of severely-braided hair. She’s sitting on some couch thing and making hand gestures to indicate that she is so done with sitting on the couch thing and waiting for people to pay attention to her. Then she whips an important piece of hardware out of her hair, causing most of it to unfurl in a handy rope, which she then tosses out the window, a window that is apparently very high up in the Gucci World Headquarters building or some such.

The backup girls then proceed to use Gwen’s block-long hair to scale the side of the building while wearing cute climbing gear and performing yet another series of coordinated dance moves. Apparently those two must not weigh very much, because the strain on Gwen’s hair certainly doesn’t stop her from belting out the song and showing us her arched eyebrows.

Eventually the Mt. Everest-ettes make it in the window, where they proceed to grant Gwen’s apparent wish to cut off her ladder-hair, a move that I would personally question, because you never know when they might need to scale another building. Anyway, snip they do, and then the three of them race to Gwen’s bedroom, where they immediately launch into another dance routine, with Gwen wallering around on the actual bed while the twins take chairs on either side so they can accent Gwen’s fabulousness with dramatic handiwork of their own.

We roll into another montage, consisting of Braided Gwen striking poses with a slight Grecian flavor, T-Shirt Gwen hopping around wherever she’s at like she’s seen far too many episodes of Charlie’s Angels, and that damn Akon squealing like a stuck pig. Then we’re back in Gwen’s bedroom, where they quit dancing long enough to enact an actual escape plan, which consists of simply putting a designer scarf over Gwen’s head. (Um, yeah, she looks totally different. Uh huh.)

Next thing we know, Gwen and the twins are racing out the door of a Gucci convenience store (presumably offering the lower-end of the merchandising spectrum), clattering across a trashy parking lot while Gwen clutches a golden latte, and then Gwen hops into the passenger side of a golden SUV while the twins wave sadly and wonder how their dance routines will look with only two people.

The SUV heads out, and of course it’s being driven by Akon, because that’s the one person that I don’t want to see driving it. They motor along while Gwen sings and makes roller coaster moves with the wind rushing past her window, because that’s really important and exactly what I would take the time to do if I was a fugitive.

Then, whoopsie, a police car (driven by the twins, naturally, this time in uniform drag and pretending to be other characters) spots them and lights flash for Akon to pull over. Instead, he just starts singing, which only infuriates the officers (perfectly understandable), and they get a bit riled up, waving their arms and being very demonstrative about the “stop driving” angle. Gwen seems to think this is all very funny, but we can probably blame this on her light-headedness from having a ladder cut off her noggin. Oh, and the latte. Sugar can make you do wrong things.

The video ends back at the boutique penitentiary, with Gwen sporting her original hairstyle and the twins still doing dance routines. It’s not clear if they’ve been sentenced to another term for that naughty escape mess, or if they’ve been here all along and it was just a dream. In any case, the final shot is of Gwen sitting on her bed, bored and sighing. Because once you’ve had your prison cell decorated by a high-end designer, there’s really nothing much more you can hope for in life…


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David Guetta, Akon - "Sexy Chick"

  We start out staring at David’s boarding pass for some plane apparently bound for Barcelona. This is incredibly boring, so luckily we soon switch to a shot of this supposed plane flying overhead. Of course, you may not even notice the plane because of what’s standing on the ground and watching the plane fly.

  There’s some rail-thin supermodel-type, with her behind poking right at us. This woman is wearing the tiniest bikini known to the human race. Seriously, it’s basically an inch-wide piece of see-thru material stretching from one hip to another. And of course she’s dripping wet in case the “see-thru” part isn’t providing enough of a slut factor.

  Why is she even bothering to WEAR anything? There’s nothing left to the imagination. Honey, your momma must be really proud of how you turned out.

  So right away I cringe. This is going to be another one of those videos filled with mindless, skimpily-dressed tramps doing everything they can to hook up with some butt-ugly singer because apparently that’s how it works in America. You have a hit single on the radio and everyone wants to have sex with you immediately.

  Then  there’s a brief shot of women swimming underwater, because I guess that’s what you do after you have the sex, yes? Wash away the nasty and then climb out of the pool for another shot of tequila and the next guy in line.

  Cut to Akon waking up in some totally white hotel room, with hundreds of Polaroid pictures scattered all over the place, as if something exploded. (Perhaps Akon’s ego?) This scene is undercut with quick shots of more women floating around in a pool. They don’t seem to be alive, probably because it’s very clear that they haven’t eaten a morsel in several years.

  Akon, flopping around in the bed, starts having flashbacks where it appears that he was showing some appreciation to quite a few of his fans, if you know what I mean. No wonder he was all worn out and asleep when this video started.

  But it seems that Akon quickly regains his strength, notices an invite to another pool party, scrawled on his mirror in lipstick (because these girls are really classy, don’t ya know), and he rushes out the door on a quest to show more appreciation.

  Now we’re at the pool party, at some fancy mansion, with a long line of people working their way into the building. There’s some rude bouncer lady with a clipboard deciding who gets in and who doesn’t. She refuses admittance to a group of guys, and they wander off to the side. I think we’re supposed to feel sorry for them and all, but I really don’t. None of them look like they have bathed since Clinton was President. I wouldn’t want them near my kitchen, either.

  Then we jump around back to the pool, and here come the scantily-clad tramps, sashaying and stretching and making their chests heave. It would be minimally interesting if they did a line dance or something, but no, they just stand there and heave. Meanwhile, we have shots of Akon underwater, singing the lyrics to the song. No explanation is given for this, he’s just doing it.

  Then the banished dirty guys find a wall they can climb over and sneak into the party. (Where is the security guard that a place like this should have? Is he off trying to sleep with Akon as well?) They join the gyrating, basically-naked people around the pool and everybody dances.

  A few seconds later, Akon picks up David Guetta, holds him in his arms, and then jumps in the pool with just a little bit too much enthusiasm, sinking all the way to the bottom. After a bit, they break the surface, both of them grinning madly and seeming to be in a state of euphoria, making you wonder just exactly what happened while they were down there.

  And that’s it for the plot, assuming that there was a plot in the first place. Yet we still have over two minutes left in this three-minute video. What to do?

  Well, they fill most of the time with the same basic shots, over and over: slutty women busting out of their paper towel bathing suits, party bros high-fiving each other like this is them best time ever (because THAT‘s an original thing for people to do), and drunken people throwing each other in the pool. I’m sure by the end of the day there was a three-inch layer of hair product on the surface of that pool.

  That’s it. Over and over. They don’t even try any fancy editing or special effects. Just hundreds of shots crammed together with no rhyme or reason. And to think that some producer got paid a lot of money for this crap. THIS is what’s wrong with America, people. RIGHT here. Some folks actually consider this video to be entertainment. Good God.

  Toward the end, just as I was dozing off, the pool scenes are gone and Akon is marching along in some building, possibly underground. He walks into what appears to be a dressing room, where he meets some woman that looks slightly familiar. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to know her or not. After all, everybody has the same look in videos right now so you basically don’t know who you’re watching until the end credits.

  This woman has some other female friends in the dressing room, and they all hug and smooch on Akon as well. He sure has a lot of fans. He must be exhausted giving out all that appreciation.

  The woman leads Akon upstairs to party central, where tons of people are dancing while David Guetta is playing DJ. I guess he’s doing the most amazing things with his record spinning, because the crowd is dancing in a rapturous frenzy. (Translation: Everybody is jumping up and down in one spot, because that’s what passes for dancing these days. No one has rhythm anymore. They just have stylists.)

  Akon joins David on his fancy DJ platform, and Akon sings some more. Of course, the crowd considers this the Second Coming and goes even wilder. Then Akon actually jumps into the mass of people so they can crowd surf him around.

  Really? Akon jumped in the mosh pit? They’re still doing that? Wow. They had mosh pits back when I was in high school, and that was shortly after the Pilgrims landed. It’s kind of sad, really, these kids thinking they invented something new when they haven‘t. Everything’s already been done, folks. Everything.

  We end with Akon in another hotel bed, drifting off with another batch of Polaroids thrown all over the place. (These people are just plain trashy, there’s no way around it.) He wakes up long enough to try looking at some of them, but he can’t seem to focus and decides to just pass out.

  I’d like the last five minutes of my life back, please. Thank you.


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