Dr. Dre, Eminem, Skylar Grey - “I Need A Doctor”

Note: This is the explicit version. WAY explicit. Just sayin.

Okay, we’ve got another one of those mini-movies that are apparently the rage these days with certain singers, so it takes a while to even get to the song. We start off with a title letting us know that it’s February 18th, 2001. Obviously, something must have happened that day, but I must not have been directly involved because there are no bells ringing. I’m assuming that Dr. Dre is going to fill us in with the details. Or maybe not. You know how these music videos are. Sometimes it’s just talking fish, a floating kumquat, and stripper-dancers, while somebody recites French poetry in an ugly outfit.

Anyway, we’re looking down from a high cliff over some swirling ocean water, then we’re not, then Dr. Dre comes into view, looking very pensive while the sun sets. Or rises. Something to do with the sun changing its mind about what it wants to do. Cut to ocean waves, pretty waterfalls and some smiling gangsters who have probably just done something questionable. More Dre with that serious expression, then we start getting flashbacks of what we’ll assumer were happier, or at least busier, times. I’ll try to interpret.

Rappers run about, there’s a purple-hued doctor performing surgery on a turntable, and some woman in an orange something-or-other is really proud of her booty. We also have scenes involving machine guns, Compton, people running, Eminem bopping his head with a friend and then wearing Batman and Robin masks, people getting married, cute children at the age before they start asking so many questions that you start to not care for them as much, and a giant pink gorilla possibly attacking an otherwise contented family.

Now we have an extended sequence with Dr. Dre getting in a fancy sports car, firing it up, and heading out onto what might be the Pacific Coast Highway but could just as easily be the private entrance road to a Beverly Hills mansion, because those people have a lot of money and can build whatever they want. Dre is driving way too fast for safety or comfort, so it’s not going to be surprising if Dre doesn’t quite make it back from the corner store with the requested milk and eggs.

As Dre races along, we see additional flashbacks, mostly of people having a really good time at parties, wearing outfits and dancing. Oh, and we also have shots of people like Eminem and Snoop Dogg praying in a circle. (Why there would be a camera in the middle of the circle recording what should be a moment of personal spirituality, I don’t really know, but since I don’t typically run about with rap stars, I may not know all I should about how one should behave in groups of people who have rhythm and their own record labels.)

As expected, the car eventually swerves out of control and flips over about 400 times before the remnants of the car skid to a halt, not looking very sleek and sporty any more. This can’t be good for Dre. And I’ll just have to assume that the eggs didn’t fair very well either. Fade to black, and a new title explains to us that it is “Years Later”. Um, like what? Just a few years? Or, like, expect to learn that “The Simpsons” are now in their 284th season?

We enter some type of medical facility, where we get a brief glimpse of what I think is Skylar Grey wearing something billowy and shoving her breasts at the camera while she floats in the air, followed by multiple shots of various doctors looking serious and fiddling with medical type things. Back to Floating and Billowing Skylar, who sings for a bit, then we see Eminem tromp into the facility, wearing the same standard outfit he has worn since somebody first handed him a microphone back in the day.

Eminem approaches somebody stretched out on some weird wires and attached to what we assume are life-saving machines, and he studies this arrangement for a few seconds before Skylar comes back on the screen. She warbles while floating and doing back bends and a modified breast stroke that really doesn’t seem to be effective in helping her travel anywhere.

Eminem again, just as one of the machines indicates that Dr. Dre may have rapped his last, giving off a menacing flat-lining noise. This apparently pisses off Eminem (like everything does) and he immediately launches into an invective-filled tirade about something or other. While Em rants, a large screen behind him is filled with various flashbacks of things that happened in places where we weren’t invited.

Eminem has a lot to say, so this goes on for a while, with him hollering and such. If the medical people around him were really caring and patient-focused, you’d think one of them would wander up and tell Eminem to pipe down so Dre can get some rest while they figure out if he’s still alive or not. But no one intervenes, so I’m thinking I really don’t want to stay in this particular hospital should I need medical attention in the distant future.

We finally go back to Skylar, and the poor thing is still floating in the air and trying to build up enough momentum to get to the cash bar so she can order another drink. (Maybe she should kick her legs a little more effectively instead of just weakly waving them about and screwing around with her gauzy dress?) She’s still singing, but it’s the same chorus as before, so we don’t learn anything new or useable. Oh, wait. Now there are two of her. Did she just clone herself? That’s a pretty impressive skill. Heyyy.

Now we have Dre floating in some type of liquid-filled tube chamber, while Eminem continues to air his issues and Skylar continues to do little of importance in the background. She politely floats away so we can concentrate on Eminem’s trademark movements of looking very angry and waving his hands about while he vocalizes. (Still no nurses running up to make him settle down. In fact, I don’t see any personnel around anymore, so maybe they’re all in the coffee shop.)

Why does Eminem feel it’s so important to point his finger like that?

After several days, we cut back to Floating Skylar, and now there are three of her, so she’s been very busy procreating while we were gone. To show their appreciation at our return, all three of them go into a floating line dance involving leg-kick moves that almost show us their hoo-hoo’s while they sing. It’s a special moment.

Cut to Dr. Dre in a hospital bed, with the medical people having returned from their coffee break so they can stand around Dre’s bed and stare at him. No one is doing anything, so it’s getting a wee bit boring, which causes the Skylar Triplets to appear on screen and give birth to a fourth sister. I guess this is somehow a cosmic-alignment kind of thing, because Dre’s eyes suddenly pop open while Eminem stares in wonder and some extra playing a medical secretary starts typing things on a keyboard.

Despite having supposedly been in a coma for years or possibly centuries, Dr. Dre immediately starts physical therapy. This sets up a sequence of training scenes, where it’s very clear that Dre doesn’t need this therapy, since he’s bulging with muscles that apparently worked themselves out while Dre was taking that long nap. As Dre raps, he does things like lift skyscrapers with his thighs, pose at just the right angle so we can memorize his personal landscaping, and sweat. The physical therapists leave the building and are never heard from again.

This goes on for a while as well, just like Eminem’s bit. But Dre is rapping AND working out, so I think he wins, yes?

Dre also does a shameless plug for Gatorade while his nipples point in different directions.

Dr. Dre finishes up, and here we go with a stream of flashbacks again. Lots of people doing odd things that inspired someone to pick up a camera. Mixed in with this is Dre walking along and looking pensive again while the sun either rises or sets. As the flashbacks start to trickle dry, we see Dre walking up to a grave and pausing to reflect about the person buried there...

Which forces me to end without snarkiness, because I’m not touching THAT…



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Eminem - “Not Afraid”

  Quick Note: This is Eminem, so the language gets a little salty. You probably don’t want to blast this if your grandmother is in the next room, crocheting booties for the Baptist Hallelujah Choir bake sale. She would not find it very spiritual. Unless she’s a drinker. Or used to be a rapper. I’m sure somebody out there has a drunken, rapping granny, so we shouldn’t judge.

  We start out with Eminem standing on the edge of a roof of a very tall building. At first we think he might just be enjoying the scenery as he gazes out upon some city, since it’s a pretty day and all, and there’s a nice river floating by. But then the camera pans over his shoulder so that we can see straight down to the ground. And that ground is very far away. Ant people are dashing about, and the cars look like pepper flakes.

  Eminem is clearly an idiot for standing where he is.

  Then again, we all have issues. And perhaps, since the song is “Not Afraid”, Em is trying to show us that he’s… well,  not afraid. But come on. I’m thinking there’s gotta be something a little less dangerous he could do to prove his courage. (Like head into rush hour traffic on the Dallas freeways in a car that can’t go faster then 50 miles an hour. THAT takes bravery. Those people will whip out a crowbar and beat your ass.)

  We cut to Eminem in somebody’s basement, shoving what is apparently a very important piece of paper at us. (Did he flunk a spelling test again?) But before we can figure out what it is, he wads it up and tosses it to the side, which is kind of rude. (Quick shot of Eminem on the building ledge again, starting to jump around and stuff, which is ill-advised. Dude, save the fancy footwork for the basement scenes. It would be really impolite to fall on someone just trying to catch a quick smoke break. If they live, they probably won‘t buy your CD.)

  Now we’re switching back and forth between High-Altitude Em and Dank-Underground Em. Both of them are really angry and waving their hands, but that just might be standard procedure, because most rappers are really pissed off about something. (Maybe it’s all that bottled, restrictive anger that keeps them from actually singing the words instead of just saying them.) Both of them like counting by holding up fingers, but they start with the pinky, which doesn’t seem right. Is that just me?

  Quick shot of Basement Eminem sitting off to one side and holding his head. Maybe he’s sad about the really crappy condition of his basement. Man, have you ever heard of a broom? Sweep some of that crap up. And get rid of that lamp shade. It’s not doing anybody any good. But instead of trying to tidy up, Eminem starts throwing things around the room. Like that’s going to help.

  Next we’re on a street somewhere, with a third Eminem, and I believe this one thinks he’s in “Saturday Night Fever” because we’re only seeing his feet trotting down the sidewalk. Whoops, there’s his face, and he’s angry, too. (Why are these people so unhappy? Would it kill one of his personalities to actually crack a smile?)

  Now we’re cutting between the Three Faces of Em, although the one in the basement is the most entertaining. (He’s doing some very intricate hand-and-arm choreography where he demonstrates how to gut a fish and say the Pledge of Allegiance at the same time.) Rooftop Em is only stepping closer to the edge of the building and then back, which got old before the first chorus. And Em Travolta is just marching along without doing anything.

  Oh, maybe I lied, because Streetwalker Eminem is now poised on the curb before a very busy street of traffic. Since he’s “not afraid”, I suspect he will waltz into the speeding river of cars without doing the double-check for clearance like they teach you in Jaywalking 101. And there he goes, angrily stomping to the other side of the street and narrowly missing getting splattered by several cars, a bus that looked like it didn’t have a driver (maybe there was a strike) and a bitter dump truck. He bad-ass. But once he steps on the other curb, it appears that he’s headed to a theater named “Newark”. Why would anyone want to go somewhere that reminds them of Jersey?

  Meanwhile, Basement Eminem is really working himself into a tizzy, stomping all over the place and making gestures that one would normally associate with what a London hooker might have seen before Jack the Ripper made her posthumously famous. This might explain why he’s in the basement to begin with, having been locked away from society by a frustrated parent who was tired of him causing a commotion during Tupperware parties.

  Oh look, Streetwalker Em didn’t go into that theater after all. Instead, he’s studying his reflection in the window of a parked car. Not sure what this is about, but he touches his jaw like it’s not really his, so maybe one of his other personalities is fighting to the surface. (Quick shot of Basement Em throwing a chair, because he’s really in control of his emotions.)

  Street Em has now wandered into one of those funhouse hall of mirrors things, and he can’t figure out where he is. (If that damn cameraman would quit jump-cutting all over the place, maybe all of us could determine what’s going on.) Street Em finally has had enough of running about in the mirrors, and decides to just dive through one of the plate-glass walls. (Not an option I would take, but I’m not a rapper.) This causes Street Em to find himself laying in the middle of a street. Okay, then.

  Meanwhile, Basement Em is punching away at the brick wall of his basement, letting in enough sunlight that half the cast of “True Blood” would disintegrate and cause some serious script revisions. Basement Em steps through into the light. (That sound you hear is his parents flooring the station wagon as they head for Florida.)

  Back to Streetwalker Em, who follows the street he landed on and finds himself at the edge of the world. (Didn’t really see that coming.) The camera pulls back to show that, yep, if he takes another step he’ll be in a freefall that keeps on giving. Then again, Eminem’s “not afraid” so he plunges downward. We watch him plummet past some pretty waterfalls (just like TLC told us not to chase) until he suddenly stops falling and then boings back up into the air over the street he had just tried to leave. Poor guy can’t even kill himself.

  Oh look, now Eminem has superpowers and is flying through the streets of the city. (Think “Iron Man 3: Flight of the Rapper”.) He zips along with enough force to shatter car windows and irritate those people outside coffee houses who insist on using laptops while sucking down caffeine. Before you know it, Eminem is back on top of the building where this whole mess started.

  The song winds down with Rooftop Eminem and yet another personality who we’ll call Angel Eminem, because he’s bathed in white light, singing to everybody that if we just follow them, we’ll make it through whatever life has to offer.

  But I don’t wanna. Because you people are doing things that just don’t seem all that healthy. It’s nice that you can sing a song about overcoming, glad it works for you. I’ll just sit here in my house. And take pills. Thanks, though.

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Eminem, Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

  Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

  Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

  Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

  Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing so in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

  Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charlie from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charlie. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

  The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charlie can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

  Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start pounding on one another again.

  Then I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charlie’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charlie can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

  Quick scene with Charlie displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

  Back in the present, Charlie tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

  Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

  Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charlie walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charlie and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charlie decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

  Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

  Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charlie is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

  Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charlie doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

  Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charlie on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charlie miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

  Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

  Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charlie…




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