Jennifer Lopez, Lil Wayne - “I’m Into You”

Editor’s Note: One of the most soul-damaging things I deal with as a music video reviewer is seeing the phrase “featuring Lil Wayne” in the title of a clip I’m about to watch. I have no idea why this little man is even remotely popular, and it sucks the life out of me to see his name. But since this is really Jennifer’s video, and I love me some J-Lo, I’ll try to be strong…

We start off with some dude running out of the ocean at night, heading up the beach. Jennifer and her pretty necklace spy him doing so, and she seems quite pleased with what she sees, even though she’s wearing sunglasses at night and probably can’t see a damn thing. (It’s all in the acting, right?) Since the guy seems to be taking a little while to get to her, Jenn fiddles around with a can of soda and makes sure that her glistening skin is being captured correctly by the cameraman.

Finally, Stud Boy makes it to the chair where Jennifer is lounging, and he’s definitely worth the wait, with pectorals bulging and a chiseled jaw that could jackhammer concrete. But instead of them falling into a passionate mashup of beautiful people, Jennifer looks the other way as if she doesn’t really care for what’s on the menu.

Cut to a shot of some Mayan temple out in the jungle, with overhead clouds moving faster than they should, and everything’s in black-and-white, so this is probably the artsy part of the video. Cut again to Jennifer wearing a metallic outfit and assuming poses that would look really appropriate in a Karate Kid movie. Then we’re flying over the ocean and looking at more old buildings where people don’t live anymore.

Then we start jumping all over the place. Brief shot of Jennifer wearing a headdress for no apparent reason, then she’s splashing about in the waves while wearing that metallic thing. (Shouldn’t she be worried about rust and such?) Stud Boy shows up, and it seems that he might be clutching Jennifer to his side, but since the camera is mostly focused on his beard stubble, he could be clutching anybody. More shots of Jennifer strutting around at the Mayan temples and showing us that she has a billowy dress that matches the headdress that doesn’t make any sense. Good for her.

The jump-cutting settles down for a little bit as we see J-Lo reclining on the beach, using Stud Boy as her air mattress. Then we have a long series of shots where Jennifer and Stud Boy are making it very clear that things between them are wet and sweaty, and that Jennifer feels it is very important that she grab one of his pecs every two seconds. Or maybe she’s just trying to push them out of the way so the camera can see her pouty lips.

Another long bit where Jennifer runs through the crashing waves while still wearing that metallic mini-dress, shaking her hips like a jellyfish just stung her in a personal place. Luckily, Stud Boy and his chest is there to save the day, so J-Lo makes sure to show her appreciation by rubbing against whatever body part he manages to offer.

Now we’re inside one of the Mayan temples, and Jennifer staggers out of some side room where they apparently have some really strong blow-dryers, because her hair is now jacked to Jesus and she’s squinting her eyes like her retinas have been burned off. No matter, J-Lo is a trooper, and she continues to wail the song even though she can’t see where she’s going, and she keeps getting her mammoth hair stuck on the stone walls.

Next up is Jennifer traipsing around outside the temple, gettin’ down with the stone steps and trying to keep that hair from upstaging her. Then she’s back inside, then she’s back on the beach, then she’s on the side of the temple again, posing like an African Princess even though the genealogy doesn’t really add up, then she’s back inside, and outside, and… how does Marc Anthony keep up with her? Geez.

The jump-cutting continues, with Jennifer appearing all over the place in her interesting couture. The theme for this segment seems to be that J-Lo likes nothing more than to use her hands to accentuate her breasts and her flawless face. That’s fine. Hey, if you got it and can market it, knock yourself out. Just be careful with that hair. I’m thinking that’s a fire hazard, so she probably needs to stay away from open flame.

To allay our fears about spontaneous hairdo combustion, Jennifer jumps into the ocean and gets herself all wet. In more ways than one.

Then we have Jennifer lounging on top of a stone wall, sporting another metal outfit, this one composed of what looks like pieces that someone stole from a science geek’s Erector Set. (Smart move on J-Lo’s part, reaching out to the nerds on their own terms.) Sadly, Jennifer is unable to move while wearing this obviously weighty gear, so she lets her lips do all the acting.

We change things up a bit by heading back into the temple, where Jennifer and two of her closest backup dancers have decided to do some Mayan choreography. Drums are involved, along with the ability to gyrate your crotch in a manner that would normally result in a pineapple smoothie being handed to a customer.

Then we’re back out on the beach, with Jennifer and Stud Boy enjoying the crashing waves and the fact that they both have nipples. This triggers a revisit to all of the outfits that Jennifer has worn up to this point, including the Science Project contraption where Jennifer can’t get off that one wall but she still looks pretty. We wrap it up with J-Lo performing a really bouncy dance on the beach, and then doing some serious lip-lock action with the man who raced out of the ocean at the exact moment that she needed some pectoral muscles that could save her from evil blow-dryers in a Mayan temple.

That final sound you hear is Marc Anthony calling his personal trainer…


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Jennifer Lopez, Pitbull - “On The Floor”

  We start off in what looks like an alley, with a fancy car driving along (It’s a BMW, in case you didn’t notice the prominent product placement as the camera lingers lovingly on the hood emblem) while steam billows and music softly plays. We see Jennifer (or at least her body double) getting out of this car, wearing a black hoodie and her hair perfectly fabulous despite the billowing steam that would destroy lesser women who aren’t millionaires. There’s also a guy in the car, but he doesn’t get out, so we’ll have to assume that he’s not important.

  Jennifer saunters over to another location in the alley, where the odd purple light makes her look even prettier, and she opens a small gift box from “Swarovski”. (That means some serious bling, people.) Jenn pulls out something that might be an earring or some belly-piercing décor or a fancy IUD. It doesn’t matter what it is, somebody spent some cash. You have to respect gifts from a store where people with low credit ratings would be shot on sight.

  I guess it’s an earring, since Jennifer shoves this thing through her earlobe. (Or maybe she just doesn’t understand what an IUD is. She’s a very busy girl and doesn’t have time for research.) Then we cut to… I don’t know what this place is. Presumably it’s somewhere nearby, since we get a quick glimpse of Jennifer, even though she’s wearing a different outfit and sitting in a pose that speaks of royalty and not having to pay taxes.

  Suddenly, in another part of this place that seems to have an overabundance of chandeliers, we see Pitbull giving a shout-out to J-Lo while minions fawn around him. Back to Jennifer in yet another outfit, one that requires her to look effortlessly beautiful while fans blow her hair about. Quick shot of an unnamed mime, with some background detail letting us know that this is either a nightclub or the Paris Opera.

  Jennifer again, first doing something standing near a wall with an odd ballet bar, then another taste of her in that regal outfit which now requires her to sprawl on a fancy French couch. Brief shot of Pit, then more Jennifer, with her fiddling with what might be a hair-based cupcake on her head. And then, BAM, we’re off and running with the jump-cutting. I’ll just have to report what I can catch as things whiz by.

  For starters, Pitbull still hasn’t figured out that he’s not as attractive as he firmly believes that he is. He’s still doing that trademark snarl thing where he sings out of the side of his mouth, not understanding that he looks like a Chihuahua with development issues. We also have some asexual sprite running around with face glitter, and Jennifer doing something that requires her to grasp her head and dance in front of that wall in a glittery outfit so tight that we can see pelvic bone. (Honey, EAT something.)

  Pitbull raps something about backing it up “like a Tonka truck” (he’s so considerate), and then Jennifer does just that, booty-waving with a frenzy at the ballet bar while wearing sparkly high heels. We also get shots of Queen Jennifer and her cupcake on the fancy couch, and then we’re back to Ballet Jennifer and her hair, gyrating and twirling like she is personally responsible for creating enough energy to supply all of North America.

  More jump-cutting, where we realize that Queen Jennifer is possibly being eaten alive by a gold metallic plant, and shots of the dance floor (where did THAT come from) with people so moved by the participation of Jennifer and Bull that they have to do a Line Dance of Worship. Ballet Jennifer does something with her finger and Queen Jennifer does something with her arm. (I believe the entire script of the video is encapsulated in the previous sentence. Just guessing.)

  This goes on for a while, with more of the same quick shots of Jennifer and Pitbull, people achieving orgasm on the dance floor, and nobody ugly permitted on the set. We do have a few new developments, like Queen Jennifer finding a cane under her throne and waving it about, and Pitbull finally coming up with a new signature gesture, this one involving him doing something vaguely Italian with his hand.

  The music suddenly slows down for a bit, but all this really means is that the jump-cutting slows down as well, so that we get to really study the fine artistic subtleties of drunken people losing their inhibitions on the dance floor while a new Jennifer makes an appearance on that same floor, with her carloads of hair and mystifying lack of clothing inciting the extras to shimmy and shake with renewed fervor and disregard for personal responsibility.

  The Newest Jennifer apparently has an incredible ability to get everyone in the club involved in her personal need to express an enjoyment of life via exuberant hand gestures that just might raise The Dead. On the flip side, Queenly Jennifer and Kingly Pitbull gaze disparagingly on Aerobics Jennifer with a certain amount of disdain mixed with slight jealousy that a common citizen who came through the front door of this club has actually gotten the party started.

  More shots of chandeliers. Not sure what’s up with that, but I’m assuming that proper lighting is very important to these people.

  And we continue with more of the same. Common People Jennifer has the crowd going wild, while Queen Jenn and King Pit continue to wrinkle their noses, while simultaneously harboring deep desires to be loved by one and all without having to sweat or pay the salaries of people who shouldn’t be voting anyway.

  Seriously, this theme goes on for a VERY long time. Fly Girl Jennifer gets the street cred, while the Club Royalty finally realizes that maybe they ain’t all that and should start doing the right thing. (A concept that never occurs to the Republican Party. Imagine that.) We do get a brief interlude where Ballet Jennifer (whose party affiliation is not clear) does some nice slo-mo movements while fireflies or nuclear particles drift about around her.

  But really, this is all about The People’s Jennifer, especially when she does a segment where she twirls energetically without actually revealing anything like Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty did. For whatever stupid reason, the producers let Pitbull rap some more, but really, I think we all understand at this point that Pitbull is just in it for the skanky ho’s and the continued disillusionment that he actually has anything to contribute.

  We still jump-cut around for a bit, but it’s no longer important. Dance Floor Jennifer is going to win this thing, hands down, and it’s only a matter of time (seconds?) before the commoners revolt and rip the silly cupcake off Queen Jennifer’s head. As for Pitbull, well, it really wouldn’t be polite of me to bring up his fate in mixed company….

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