Adam Lambert – “Better Than I Know Myself”

  We start off with a rapid-fire montage of images that don’t seem related but hopefully will be so after Mr. Lambert entertains us with his story: the skull of what could be a bull or possibly a Republican, a fuzzy shot of what might be the ghosts of former Ku Klux Klan members wearing shiny spirit robes, a contraption on a wall that might be sexual in nature, another skull, a bottle of some kind of hooch and a few fancy oxygen tanks. Perhaps there was a frat party in a nursing home that got out of hand, who knows.

  We finally get a shot of Adam as he starts to sing, and it’s nice to know that he still has a fondness for interesting leather jackets, this one sporting an interplanetary theme. He’s in an odd room (more skulls) featuring a special blue light which nicely accents the fact that he’s wearing far less makeup than usual. (Except for the eyes. The eyes have always got to pop or you really aren’t doing things right.) He seems to be very unhappy about something, perhaps the fact that there’s only the one bottle of booze left and we’ve still got the whole video to get through.

  Then we get another montage of Adam posing in various parts of the room, which could be in the apartment of someone who collects instruments of torture. (There’s a menacing pointy thing next to the couch that easily could have been used with great fanfare during the Spanish Inquisition.) Adam spends some time looking in a mirror, throwing books across the room (Does he hate libraries? Was there an incident?), making snarling faces while waving his arms, and being angry. Mostly being angry. Someone has obviously done something they shouldn’t have at some point. (Did he get shorted on egg rolls by the delivery guy? Hate that.)

  Oh wait, now we’ve jumped to another living room, where the light is more natural and the furnishings less capable of hurting you. Adam is wearing a nice cardigan that would make Mr. Rogers so happy that he’d sing a duet with that creepy cat-puppet friend he had. This Adam seems to be in a much better mood, probably because his set design isn’t based on a theme of death, loss and unsatisfactory food delivery. He’s smiling and scribbling something on a tablet, so he might be working on his memoirs of what really happens while waiting offstage with Ryan Seacrest.

  The chorus kicks in again, and Smiling Adam jumps to his feet and shows us that he can still perform quality dance moves without the aid of high-drama couture and boots with heels bigger than your head. Then we have scenes with Adam doing yoga (It’s nice that he’s centered and all, but what’s up with the odd air tanks behind him? Is that a California thing? Designer air?) and Adam flopping around on the couch and enjoying a good book, probably one about magical unicorns who sing show tunes while fighting discrimination in small towns.

  We get to a point where Smiling Adam is staring out the window, as if waiting for someone (dude, I hope you didn’t order the Chinese, word on the street is that somebody up in that grill has sticky fingers), then he hits one of the high notes in the song, which causes him to turn around and see his evil twin staring back at him. Apparently both of his personalities got a group rate at the same complex, one where people really do live in glass houses. (Another California thing, natch.)

  This causes Smiling Adam to rush to his couch for comfort, and Angry Adam to rush to his bottle for comfort and a little bit of spillage, proving that Adam can’t always successfully get things in his mouth. And then we engage in some sort of sing-off, with Smiling Adam and his chamomile tea trading lines with Angry Adam and his toxic tonic. It seems that Smiling Adam isn’t good with confrontation, simply sitting on his couch and shaking his head like a Baptist virgin, but Angry Adam is all about the raging gestures, including splashing his booze on the wall between him and Adam II. (Fool. Why you wasting the hooch? You’re gonna be licking that up off the floor later.)

  The passive-aggressiveness continues for a while, with Angry Adam tearing things up in his half of the cell while Yoga Adam calmly alphabetizes his book collection and makes his bed, pretending that Lindsay Lohan isn’t having another meltdown on the other side of the once-arty but now bad-idea glass wall. Of course, Granola Adam’s non-reaction only further incenses Bad Seed Adam, just like what happens with any family. (Even if all the family members are only in your head.)

  Then Greenpeace Adam picks up something (apple? potato? diaphragm?), bounces it in his hand, and then does something so that the object ends up in Quentin Tarantino Adam’s hands. (This part is a little unclear, just like the reason why anyone would care whether or not a Kardashian gets married.) Anyway, now Bad Apple Adam has a round thing in his hands which he proceeds to crush so that something blood-like spills out while he glares sideways at the camera, an evil look that probably made fellow contestants quiver in their sparkly shoes on American Idol, though not as scary as the looks Simon Cowell would give Paula Abdul when one of her personalities dared to disagree with him.

  Both of the Adams then hit a few high notes in unison, because despite their differences they still share the same vocal range. Then PollyAdam retires to his neatly-made bed and  Sort-of-looks-like-Elvis-in-this-shot Adam retires to one of the uncomfortable pieces of furniture in his Depression Chamber. They both sing about darkness, while Elvis Adam runs his fingers through the flame of a lighter, indicating that he may have done something recently that requires him to alter his fingerprints. Or he’s just really cold, what with that chilly blue light and all.

  Cut to a bit later, where Perky Adam is proffering a chess board at Pyro Adam. I guess Pyro isn’t interested in board games, because he instead sets an overturned chair on fire, as one naturally does when the entertainment options are not to one’s liking. As the flames rise higher and Perky presses his hands against the glass wall in concern, Pyro first raises his arms in victory and then decides to run to a mirror and smear his eyeliner all over his face, so he might have a bit of a manic-depressive issue.

  Suddenly, Happy Adam appears to be choking over on his side of things, and we get a shot of him gasping and looking at an “Oxygen Level” monitor on the wall. (We all have those, right?) The numbers are quickly heading toward zero, a development that probably isn’t good, but I haven’t seen the script. As Happy collapses to the floor, he has to waller around a bit because it’s time for both Adams to sing an important part of the song, and we can’t let asphyxiation break our focus.

  Eventually, Jacked-Up Makeup Adam realizes that his brother-sister is flatlining on the other side of the wall, and he should do something heroic now if he wants to be in the sequel. (No explanation is given as to why the oxygen is just fine in his room, even though that’s where the fire is. And just who is controlling the oxygen supply? RCA Records?) Anyway, Jacked Adam manages to kick a hole in the glass wall with his bad-boy boot (they just don’t build houses like they used to, eh?) and he reaches through to touch Mr. Rogers on the shoulder.

  Fade to white screen.

  Then we’re somewhere else, with Adam walking down the sidewalk toward us outside a complex that has been police-taped off. We zoom in for a close-up, and just as the video fades for a final time, we realize that his eyes are two different colors…

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Adam Lambert - “For Your Entertainment”

  We start off with a quick shot of some boring traffic driving through an intersection, then the camera pans downward, taking us underground to some fancy place where Adam and the Lambertinis are doing their thing. First off, Adam and his mystical walking stick are marching down a gloomy hallway in slo-mo, with extras from “Buffy” walking behind him. They all sashay through a curtain into a club, with Adam waving that damn stick around.

  While he belts out the song, we get glimpses of other people at the club, and the general theme is sophisticated trashiness. People are caressing wooden furniture whilst undulating their hips to indicate unsatisfied desire. (One unfortunate woman appears to have a raven chewing on her skull, so I would assume her hookup opportunities are limited. Poor thing. Guess she picked the wrong hair gel.)

  Adam immediately takes center stage, with his leather jacket and his hair jacked to Jesus, and proceeds to own the room through sheer will. He’s a little too dependent on jabbing about with that walking stick, but that’s much better than grabbing his crotch rap-style, so we’ll give him that. We also seem to have lots of trampy girls lying on the floor, because legs swathed in fishnet stockings are being thrust in the air at random.

  It soon becomes clear that this club is really not about dancing, based on the numerous shots of couples of all types thrusting tongues at each other. I’m fairly certain that no one is actually listening to the music, so I’m not sure why Adam is even here, but we’ll run with it for now. At the very least, we can pick up some tips on how to advertise your availability in dim lighting.

  Okay, now Adam is sitting on a throne of some kind, and they’ve messed with his eyes (at least I think they have) so that he appears to be slightly demonic. I hadn’t really noticed before, but Adam sure has a very busy tongue. That thing is flopping all over the place. Is that why he can hit the high notes? Because he’s not getting enough oxygen and the falsetto is really a cry for help?

  Anyway, back to the club proper, where people are pawing one another like there’s a prize if you touch enough nipples. Then the throne again, where Adam has managed to find a green snake that he is screwing around with, letting it roam about his body. (What the hell?) Then back out to the dance floor, where Adam has decided that it’s very important that he and some scantily-clad vixens do a line dance. Adam has yet another jacket with spiky things on the shoulders, so it’s very clear that he’s in charge and the strumpets better dance their asses off.

  This bit goes on for a while, with both men and women clawing each other to touch Adam in some way. (Perhaps they want to do some snake-handling of their own?) There’s one segment where all the dancers are bent over and pawing at the ground like horses. I have no idea what it means, but it’s cute.

  Now Adam is wandering through a tropical jungle. (I guess they don’t spare any expenses on décor in the L.A. clubs.) Anonymous hands are reaching out from the foliage to express their physical love for Adam. I hadn’t realized until now that Adam simply taking a stroll can cause so many people to reach instant orgasm. Maybe it’s that walking stick?

  More diddling with the green snake on the throne.

  And more of the jungle, with a jarring preponderance of females latching on to Adam and praying for a pre-nup. Not sure what that’s all about, since we all know by now that Adam’s Garden of Eden involves Adam and Yves, not Adam and Eve, but nobody asked me to storyboard this thing. Then again, “Will and Grace” might have been a hit, but if you startle too many of the red-state people there might be some difficult questions in the morning.

  Back to the dance floor again, with Adam and his stick directing the dancers to shimmy and thrust like their lives depended on it. We also have shots of some stud being blindfolded with black lace, presumably in preparation for impending sexual hijinks. I’ve never understood this blindfold thing when it comes to bumping uglies. Why would you NOT want to see what’s coming at you in the bedroom? Or on the dance floor. Or at IHOP at three in the morning...

  Anyway, we roll into a montage of Adam playing Julie the cruise ship director on the dance floor, more of Adam doing some bungle in the jungle, and Adam still jacking around with that snake on his throne. Thrown into the mix are glimpses of very happy people wearing skimpy attire and sending out signals that they will sleep with anyone as long as there’s no drama or cab fare.

  Oh, and we have a dramatic bit where somebody finally takes the blindfold of the stud, which causes Adam to sing the highest notes that he possibly can and the dancers to start misplacing most of their wardrobe. This leads to scenes with everybody in the club waving their hands over their heads while Adam over-dramatizes on the stage. Meanwhile, some skank with a severe hairdo wanders around behind wailing Adam and does nothing worthwhile.

  We wind down with everyone in the club achieving some type of sexual-release milestone, apparently pushed to this destination by the fact that Adam is wearing black fingernail polish and has pointy things on his couture. The camera then pans back above ground, where bereft people are still driving about, completely unaware that sexual nirvana is just a few feet below them….


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Adam Lambert - “Whataya Want From Me”

  We start out by peeking into Adam’s bedroom, where he’s lying morosely on the bed and staring at nothing. Cut to him behind a desk, sitting there morosely and staring at nothing. And some more of the moroseness on a couch. Then he’s fiddling with a remote control, which might explain his sadness. Those things are so complicated these days. The buttons never do what you think they’re gonna do.

  Now the video starts to tell two different stories, the thread where Adam is just very blue about either a relationship or the eventual disappointment of new electronics, and a new plot direction where someone seems to be stalking Adam in his own house. The sad Adam continues to stare blankly at things, while the stalked Adam keeps whipping his head around to glare at unseen noise and movement. It’s a little creepy, that second bit.

  One of the Adam’s goes into the kitchen and lethargically tries to eat Chinese takeout, but it’s really not what he wants out of life so he gives up after a while. This leads to Adam and his band performing somewhere that doesn’t have a lot of lighting. (Quick scene of Adam being shoved in a limo, so apparently we had to drive to wherever this place is.) Adam’s rocking out, stalkers and leftovers temporarily forgotten.

  But not for long, because we are soon seeing more shots of Adam back in his apartment, turning and looking behind him in surprise. (You would think he could afford some type of security detail that could come in and take care of this situation. Or at least get a dog. Something besides wandering from room to room and being all jumpy. Life’s too short.)

  More quick scenes with Adam performing, coupled with a new setting where Adam is wandering the Moors of Scotland. Oh wait, maybe not. But he’s outside, that’s fairly clear. Wherever he is, the trees and shrubbery must be good listeners, so he sings to them for a while. The greenery doesn’t seem to be judging him, which is good, because Adam needs that kind of support right now, trying to figure out what people want from him.

  Back to the apartment, where Adam is starting to get a little testy with his stalker, as he should. We still can’t see this person, but Adam is giving some lip back, probably feeling more confident now that he’s wearing a suit and tie. The camera kind of bops around for a bit, then we see suited-Adam standing in his library and suddenly somebody slams the door. Okay, we’ve officially moved from a simple stalking tale to more of a slasher movie. Whatever you do, Adam, do NOT have sex with anyone in the next little bit, because the sluts always die at the beginning of horror flicks. Word.

  Some more scenes with the band rocking, and then somebody starts packing a suitcase. I don’t think this is actually Adam, so it’s either the serial killer (who apparently brought a lot of accessories) or maybe some other cute guy that Adam was thinking of getting intimate with until the killer showed up and he could no longer have sex. This packing person doesn’t shove very much in the suitcase, so they must not plan to be gone very long.

  Now we have Adam slumped in a couch and staring at a photograph, then a quick glimpse of Adam contemplating doing something lethal with a pair of chopsticks. Back to more of the photograph-studying, so this must be a very important picture. But since they won’t let us see it, we have no idea. For all we know it could be a shot of Paula Abdul throwing a kumquat at Simon Cowell.

  More glimpses of sadness and despair in the House of Blue Adam, followed by the band kickin’ it for realz. This starts a montage of all the various goings on we’ve seen so far, with little to update other than it appears that the killer stalker might need to start worrying about what Suit Adam can do to him. Adam looks like he’s had enough and the fingerless gloves are about to come off. (Still no clue on what’s happening in that photograph, though.)

  Final shot is of Adam leaning toward the camera, smiling, as if he’s happy to see someone.

  Oh?

  It could be a trick, Adam. Whatever you do, don’t choose this time to make popcorn on the stove. Just ask Drew Barrymore.


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Adam Lambert - “If I Had You”

  We start off with a nice thumping beat as Adam prances around in what might be his apartment or could be a sleep deprivation facility. It’s awfully dark and hard to tell what’s going on. What IS clear is that Adam is apparently shilling Sony products, because we have one front and center. Scrolling across the screen of this product placement is what appears to be encouraging words about a gig that Adam has tonight. All of his fans are convinced that the world is going to change as soon as Adam steps on stage.

  And it just might happen. If Adam hits enough high notes, buildings could crumble.

  Next thing we know, Adam is trudging down some dirt road in the forest. I’m really surprised that he’s doing this, because it can’t be good for all the makeup that we know he’s going to be wearing. Anyway, he marches toward us, really proud that he’s got his boots on and the “right amount of leather”. (What IS the right amount of leather? I’ve often wondered this. It keeps me awake at night.) He’s also “working my strut”, which kind of throws me. I just had one of those replaced on my car, and there certainly wasn’t any singing while that mess was going on. And we weren’t in a forest. That I recall. I’ll just let it go for now.

  Then the sky suddenly changes from late afternoon to full-on night, which means we’ve lost a few hours. (This happens all the time with rock stars, so don’t be scared.) We’re still in the forest, but now things have an odd greenish tint to them. It looks kind of outer-spacey (as opposed to Kevin-Spacey, because we all know he does his thing near parks and not forests). Perhaps E.T. will drive by on a bicycle, tossing about trial size packets of Reese’s Pieces.

  Adam is still trudging along, all glam, but we catch glimpses of other people darting through the trees, so he’s not alone. We don’t know if these people are his friends or they want to kill him, it’s not clear. Oh, and I think laser-like weapons are being fired, because green flashes shoot across the screen from time to time. Or maybe they’re just setting up Adam’s stage nearby and somebody is dicking around with the stage lighting.

  Anyway, Adam gets to a point in the forest where it’s really important that he scratch his back on a tree. This allows the other people to catch up with him, and since they all start dancing, I guess they weren’t seeking his death after all. But the dance is kind of sad, really, because it looks like nobody could afford a complete set of clothes, so they just made do with things they found by the side of the road.

  The music picks up, so the poor people dance faster, and Adam takes this as his cue to show us his profile bathed in the green light. There seems to be something wrong with the camera, because his image flickers a bit. Or maybe he’s just being artsy. I understand that this condition can happen when you only make it to Number Two on “American Idol”.

   More laser beams shoot through the crowd, but since nobody is exploding in a shower of sparks and hair product, I guess we’re dealing with friendly fire. Adam bops around and shows us that his leather jacket has ginormous metal spikes on the shoulders. I guess this helps keep away exuberant fans who want to know more about his fashion tips.

  More dancing, and more profile-flickering. Not sure that I like that profile business. It makes me think I’m having small strokes, and at my age, you really shouldn’t ignore a sensation like that. (Quick close-up of what looks like Alan Cumming being very jealous that his own couture does not have deadly accessories.)

  Adam doesn’t care and keeps singing. Let Alan get his own army of stylists.

  Then we switch to another part of the forest, where Adam is now dolled up like Fred Astaire on acid. This is probably another artsy thing that only makes sense if you have read some obscure book that was banned in France when it was first published in 1931. Adam fiddles with his top hat and does a few choreographed dance steps with the poor people. I’m not sure what the theme of this dance might be, but it looks like you must have an extensive sexual history before you can adequately perform some of the moves.

  Oh wait, now that I study things, maybe this is a re-imagining of the “Cats” musical. Some of the people do look distinctly feline, including Adam and his hat, and others are making clawing motions like it’s time to change the litter box. I’ll look into this further and let you know.

  And we’re back to the chorus again, with the editing getting really frenetic and H.R. Pufnstuf making a brief cameo. (Not kidding. Pause it at 1:52 or so. What the hell?) It also looks like somebody raided a taxidermy shop, because suddenly lots of the poor people have an inordinate amount of feathers in their hair. Through all of this, Adam keeps bouncing around and showing us the odd green profile where he gazes at his home planet in the night sky.

  More dancing, lasers, sex-tinged movements, and sparkly outfits. (How did we end up in a gay bar? But as long as happy hour prices are still in effect, I’m golden…)

  Then the song slows down a little bit, and the scenes start transitioning from the forest to… I don’t know. Somewhere that’s not the forest and looks more like a real stage. Now somebody is playing with a strobe light, making everybody move in that jerky way that people do when Grandpa shows 8-millimeter home movies. (Side note: The drummer appears to be naked, so I guess he was too good to dress in burlap, throw rugs and old newspapers like everybody else. But no one cares, because young people today just accept and move on, and they keep dancing.)

  The strobe light thing goes on for a while, but we can see enough to realize that Adam forgot to wipe the Clearasil off the right side of this face. This doesn’t affect his dancing and singing, though, so that’s good.

  Then the music gets really slow, and we have a close-up of Adam thinking he’s Greta Garbo. (Except for, you know, those spikes.) The camera lovingly lingers on his face, so that we can see the emotional pain in his eyes from having to hug Randy Jackson week after week.

  And the music speeds up again, complete with crotch shots showing that Adam may have misplaced one of the props on the set. (Wait, is THAT where the lasers are coming from?) We also see that Adam is sporting some platform boots that are bigger than some of my cousins. (He sure leads an exciting and dangerous life.) I guess the boots are a little pinchy, because he tries to kick them off at one point, but this doesn’t work, so he goes back to singing and wiggling his shoulders.

  And that’s about it. The song winds down while the “Cats” cast continues to leap and frolic. (I hope Betty Buckley isn’t watching this, poor thing.) The song finally ends, Adam smirks at us because he knows we know he’s odd but hot, and then he turns and marches off into the forest.

  I wonder if anybody told Adam that his hairdo looks like something people wore in lesbian bars in the 80’s. Because I think he should know, don’t you?


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