Far East Movement, Snoop Dogg - “If I Was You (OMG)”

  Naturally, since this is Far East Movement, we start out in a nightclub somewhere, with the guys hanging out at a table while pretty girls saunter by and give them a gander. (None of these girls actually stop and chat, so that’s a bummer, but we’ll just assume that eventually the ladies will be unable to stop from throwing themselves and their panties at the guys. Because this is a F.E.M. video, and there’s a law about how this must happen at some point.)

  Snoop Dogg makes his appearance, which triggers a nearby woman with long hair to start flipping that hair around while simultaneously shoving her booty in multiple directions at once. Snoop has seen plenty of this action before, so he’s not really impressed and just keeps singing. The F.E.M. guys join him on stage so that everybody can wear sunglasses and stand in a line.

  This lineup causes some woman to jump on the bar and pretend that she’s a panther in need of a good spanking. Panther Woman crawls along the top of the bar until she gets to Snoop, then she decides that it’s very important that she use her breasts to signal incoming aircraft. Snoop thinks this is a mighty fine decision, especially when Panther Woman flops one of her legs on his shoulder and gives herself a pedicure, allowing Snoop to inspect the goods in a very up-close and personal manner.

  Cut to one of the Far East guys at a table with two lovely ladies, neither of whom seem to be wearing their own hair. He’s trying really hard to be street, but all I can say is that if you’re unable to pour champagne into a glass without spilling it all over hell, you can’t be all that. The girls don’t seem to care, probably because they still get paid whether fluids get to their destination or not.

  This same guy then decides that he wants to be a bartender AND a singer, because multi-tasking is really hip these days. While he pursues his two careers, random women are shown waving their breasts in appreciation. Cut back to Panther Woman, who shows us that she can lift one of her legs over her head without falling off the bar or blocking Snoop’s view of her treasure chest.

  Now we have the F.E.M. guys strolling through some unspecified part of the bar, ogling all the girls like they just got their food stamps and they want some free cheese. Then we’re suddenly in another part of the bar where a giant cage has been set up so that women who normally need support bras can do things without wearing one. This mainly involves an odd form of wrestling that makes things jiggle.

  This leads to some frenzied jump-cutting, with scenes involving some trollop staggering into a bathroom, the lead Far East guy staggering out of that same bathroom with two tramps on his arms (Really? You pick up women in there?), more shots of the dramatic borderline-lesbian wrestling where Snoop appears to be a judge of some kind (no surprise), and the Far East guys bellowing things like “check it out” and “ram your caboose on me”. This is a really class act.

  Shout out to the women being objectified and belittled in this video: You CAN overcome low self-esteem issues. You can start by actually putting some real clothes on and not thrusting your body parts at anybody with a pulse. Let me send you a brochure.

  Sadly, nobody in this video is listening to me. So we have to plow through more of the same mess. We have energetic women doing everything they can to thrust their breasts at the camera repeatedly, athletic women body-slamming each other in that giant cage (symbolic, much?) and Snoop and the F.E.M. dudes strutting about with amazing over-confidence just because they can stand up when they pee.

  We finally get away from the cage match long enough for one of the Far East guys to escort a transvestite into a place that has tiled walls, where he is apparently able to bring his partner to orgasm just by rapping about giving up “all my loot”. That’s nice. Meanwhile, the rest of the Far East guys are doing something in a booth that is also occupied by a woman wearing 3-D glasses, cheap pantyhose, and a stupid hair bun.

  Remind me to NOT check out this club if I ever travel to… wherever these people are. I really don’t think I’d be comfortable in a place that caters to misogynistic cavemen and their barely-clad, hormone-dripping lady friends that think nothing of humping a bar stool until it breaks off at the base.

  And what’s up with that quick shot of all those guys lined up along the tiled wall where we just watched people having rap sex? They seem to be very happy to be touching each others’ shoulders. Just sayin.

  Another quick shot, this one involving Snoop spanking the Panther Woman’s butt. Based on her lackadaisical reaction, this must happen a lot, like when she’s getting her tires changed or standing in line at the DMV.

  We wind down with more of the same. Floozies doing gymnastics to prove they can be taken advantage of in multiple positions, the Far East guys still assuming that simply wearing sunglasses and shaving your head will make every female on the planet desperately want you (hey, it apparently works for Pitbull), and World Wrestling Federation rejects getting a second chance in life by appearing in a slut bar where nobody cares what you look like as long as a random breast pops free at regular intervals.

  Somebody out there has totally used up their 15 minutes of fame…

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Far East Movement, Stereotypes - “Girls On the Dance Floor”

  Okay, a few confessions up front. I had no idea this group was so huge in the rest of the world, proving that I don’t get out much. Second, there are about 400 million people in this video, so I don’t know which people are from Far East Movement and which people are from Stereotypes. Besides, with all the hundreds of bouncing people and the thousands of shimmying breasts, I can’t tell what body parts belong to whom.

  Oh, and because I don’t think any scene in this video lasts longer than 1.743 seconds, with constant jump-cutting from here to Buffalo and back, there’s no way I can develop a storyline to go with this thing. So I’m just going to make observational commentary at critical time points in the video. Ready? Go.

0:01 Some guy standing on a mountain.

0:03 Some guy trying to jump-start his crotch.

0:05 Some girl having sex with air.

0:07 More of the mountain guy.

0:09 Extended shot (for this video) of a girl being very friendly with a pillar.

0:18 Three guys trying to do the Macarena, but only one of them kind of remembers the moves.

0:19 Astronauts in a car.

0:23 People wearing tinfoil on stage.

0:26 Somebody screwing with a blue record on a turntable.

0:32 The Macarena guys are still trying to remember the steps.

0:40 Some guy throws a gold, sparkly purse at some paparazzi. Two people die.

0:47 Some guy is trying to swallow a microphone. His homeys keep dancing.

0:50 What’s up with that ponytail?

0:54 The two remaining members of TLC bump fannies while a lost cheerleader in the background tries to find the rest of her squad.

1:00 A woman’s chest is being attacked  by colorful fishies. She raises her arm to signal for medical personnel.

1:05 The guy on the mountain has gas.

1:08 The astronauts in that car are really mad about something.

1:12 Chewbacca from “Star Wars” makes a cameo. No explanation is given. Nobody screams, so I guess things are okay.

1:14 Some guy grabs his crotch. Thank you, rappers of America, the need to fondle your junk has now gone global. Makes me proud.

1:17 Some drunk girl with an odd red belt thinks she’s all that. She’s not.

1:24 Some guy poses in front of a leftover publicity still from Fritz Lang’s “Metropolis”.

1:26 Slutty girls dance with a guy sitting on a toilet. Seriously. I can’t even begin to understand what this means. And I don’t want to.

1:30 Metropolis guy shows us how to count tequila shots. Thank you for that. Couldn’t have done it without you.

1:41 Are those guys flipping us off?

1:45 Toilet guy sings a few words while one of the sluts prevents him from gaining access to the seat liners. She mean. Then Toilet Guy takes a call while the sluts continue to dance. I think this scene right here might explain everything that has gone wrong in Society.

2:01 More astronauts. Shouldn’t these guys be trying to fly something somewhere?

2:03 Limber woman shows her cooter to anybody that wants to look.

2:09 Is that Eminem?

2:13 More bouncing.

2:26 Trying not to judge, but something about this shot says “Ku Klux Klan”.

2:30 Chewbacca proves that he got street moves. Not that he’s going to remember them in the morning.

2:27 Another girl having sex with air. Is this the new thing?

2:43 Moby?

2:49 Can that girl look any less impressed about being groped by a stranger?

2:52 Shout out to the lesbians in the audience.

2:58 Some girl on stage gets electrocuted. Poor thing.

3:06 Drunk girls holding signs. If they try really hard, they might find work at wrestling matches.

3:13 Drag queen gone wild.

3:18 Woman with exposed  butt-crack proves that she likes metal accessories.

3:23 Chewbacca loses his mask. This would never have happened if George Lucas was in charge.

3:28 Astronauts, still not reporting for duty.

3:32 Guy on mountain tries directing us back to a place where things make sense.

3:34 Some girl doesn’t understand that “In Living Color” was cancelled a long time ago and she can’t be a Fly Girl.

3:41 People not understanding that you really shouldn’t stand up in convertibles traveling at high rates of speed. (Is that Michael Jackson leaning over the windshield?)

3:42 Confused individual dancing upside down, while a young Shania Twain watches from the right.

3:54 The song ends and the camera pans to some bright lights on the ceiling. I’m thinking the last thing these people need is more stimulation.


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Far East Movement - “Like a G6”

  And once again, I have no idea who this group might be. But they must have done something right because they’ve got a Top 10 hit and some buzz on the Internet. Let’s see what it’s all about, shall we?

  We start off with some girl waltzing into a minimalist restaurant of some kind. We know it’s minimalist because they have simple, abstract art on the walls and disco is not playing. She holds up her iPad to check her “To Do” list, and it has four pointless things listed. I’m already not really satisfied with this video. You need an iPad to make a list? You can’t write on the back of a bill envelope like any normal person?

  A subtitle informs us that it’s 8:00pm in Los Angeles. Oh, well that totally changes everything, and now I completely understand. (Not.) We watch as our heroine navigates the intricate hallways of the restaurant, her boobs so tightly winched into her dress that it’s got to be some type of major structural accomplishment. (We don’t know this woman’s name, so we’ll call her Nadine.)

  Nadine stomps into a private dining room, where there’s a happy ethnic mix of various people shoving food in their faces and, more importantly, knocking back what looks like sake. Some girl on the right proffers a shot of sake to Nadine, and she sucks it down like she’s trying to get a poppy seed out of her teeth. Then she marches away, with the courteous girl on the right following her out of the room. Nothing like getting free alcohol and a hot date within 20 seconds of entering a restaurant.

  We cut to more happy people wearing sunglasses at night and singing into the camera. For some reason, the director of this video found it necessary to create an image of Cheerios on the lenses of the glasses. I really don’t understand, and it’s very distracting. Then we see Nadine and her new partner (we’ll call her Bolivia) standing outside the restaurant, which is apparently Korean. Still with the not understanding.

  More shots of the Sunglass People gettin’ down wit the music and bopping about. Is this the Far East Movement? Wow. There sure are a lot of them. This is totally not going to work if they make it big and start making some serious money. They’re gonna have to trim things down, just like The Dreamgirls. Nadine and Bolivia jump into a really nice car that we know they can’t afford, so somebody’s sleeping with somebody else.

  Then we focus on just one of the bouncing Sunglass People, a guy who apparently has been given a solo in the song and likes to purse his lips, make street hand gestures, and mistakenly believes that the “ladies” can’t wait to jump into his bed. I don’t know where he went to school, but he took the wrong classes, because something is just not working out with that whole look.

  Nadine and Bolivia are now at a liquor store, wandering around the aisles in slight confusion. (We’ve all been in that predicament, where the sheer number of alcoholic options is overwhelming, especially if you’ve already had a nip or two on the car-ride over.) To help the girls make their selections, we are treated to several members of the Far East Movement rapping and shoving their faces at the camera. Here’s a tip, folks. If you want me to like your song, don’t shove your faces at the camera like you don't have any sense. Don't really care for that mess.

  While Nadine and Bolivia traipse about the store, laughing a lot and fondling bottles, we get to see some female member of the posse doing her own rap. She actually seems to have a decent voice, so I guess she’s the Diana Ross of the group, and will soon quit the band to start a solo career, leaving the rest of the band to eventually appear on the Biography channel in a documentary about drug abuse and bitterness.

  This girl (we’ll call her Copacabana) sings for a while, as we watch Nadine and Bolivia haul their purchases to the fancy car and start driving around the town. (Other members of the Far East Movement perform hand gestures and pretend to know how to dance, but I don’t care and I’m over them.) Even the director of the video knows he or she is dealing with some questionable talent, so they start blurring the video like it’s artsy instead of just boring.

  Nadine and Bolivia arrive at some building (with Nadine still waving around that stupid and pointless iPad), where you can only gain access by putting your hand on a scanner that reads your palm print. This is unsettling. Why would you want to go into a building like that? I wouldn’t. If you want to scan my skin topography, I’ll just go down to the corner bar where people don’t make you do this type of thing. Have these people not seen “Gattaca”?

  More shots of the male members of Far East Movement being obnoxious. More faces in the camera and irritating hand gestures. Seriously, that is SO annoying.

  The high-security door leads to a radio station (“CherryTree Radio”, subtly implying that these girls are somehow virgins, which is clearly not the case). I don’t know what’s happened to Nadine, because I don’t see her, but Bolivia is leading another girl with a skanky black halter-top into the studio. (It might be Nadine, but when did she have time to change clothes?)

  Some production assistant comes out to meet Bolivia and Whoever, and I immediately don’t trust this person because she has creepy blue highlights in her hair and has far too many colors involved in her eye-shadow. Then Nadine suddenly reappears, still wearing the too-tight red outfit from the beginning of the video, so I really don’t know who The Lady in Black might be.

  This doesn’t seem to be important, because we cut back to the massive Far East Movement, and the one girl who can actually sing has knocked everybody away and is rapping again. (Sadly, this doesn’t stop the male members of Far East from trying to jump in front of the cameras and commit to videotape the fact that they have no rhythm whatsoever.)

  Now we cut to some party somewhere else, where everybody seems really happy that Nadine, Bolivia and Mysterious Black Girl have arrived to work their groove thang. Oh wait, this appears to be the place where the entire, massive roster of the Far East Movement have been partying and wearing sunglasses, unaware that this video is not as hip and cool as they think it is.

  And THIS will really surprise you: the Far East Movement taunts everybody to “put yo hands up”, and everybody does, with the camera capturing this activity from various angles. Perhaps, in my lifetime, there will be a moratorium on drunken people in a bar putting their hands up. It’s just not very inspiring. Can we move on?

  But for now, much to my chagrin, all of these people are putting their hands up. This goes on forever. And yet record executives and music producers are totally stunned that CD sales are down. Hello? Who the hell approved this video? Or this song? Let’s start there.

  And finally we have the one decent vocalist back on the audio track, trying to salvage things, but the train has already wrecked. The director tries to save his career with some fancy editing, but at the end of the day, it’s just not very pretty.

  Speaking of day, it’s suddenly the next morning, and we have some slo-mo shots of the Far East Movement at an airport, marching toward a plane. Are they really going to unleash these people on the rest of the world?

  And more importantly…

  What the hell is a G6?


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