Sunday, March 27, 2011

Far East Movement, Snoop Dogg - “If I Was You (OMG)”

  Naturally, since this is Far East Movement, we start out in a nightclub somewhere, with the guys hanging out at a table while pretty girls saunter by and give them a gander. (None of these girls actually stop and chat, so that’s a bummer, but we’ll just assume that eventually the ladies will be unable to stop from throwing themselves and their panties at the guys. Because this is a F.E.M. video, and there’s a law about how this must happen at some point.)

  Snoop Dogg makes his appearance, which triggers a nearby woman with long hair to start flipping that hair around while simultaneously shoving her booty in multiple directions at once. Snoop has seen plenty of this action before, so he’s not really impressed and just keeps singing. The F.E.M. guys join him on stage so that everybody can wear sunglasses and stand in a line.

  This lineup causes some woman to jump on the bar and pretend that she’s a panther in need of a good spanking. Panther Woman crawls along the top of the bar until she gets to Snoop, then she decides that it’s very important that she use her breasts to signal incoming aircraft. Snoop thinks this is a mighty fine decision, especially when Panther Woman flops one of her legs on his shoulder and gives herself a pedicure, allowing Snoop to inspect the goods in a very up-close and personal manner.

  Cut to one of the Far East guys at a table with two lovely ladies, neither of whom seem to be wearing their own hair. He’s trying really hard to be street, but all I can say is that if you’re unable to pour champagne into a glass without spilling it all over hell, you can’t be all that. The girls don’t seem to care, probably because they still get paid whether fluids get to their destination or not.

  This same guy then decides that he wants to be a bartender AND a singer, because multi-tasking is really hip these days. While he pursues his two careers, random women are shown waving their breasts in appreciation. Cut back to Panther Woman, who shows us that she can lift one of her legs over her head without falling off the bar or blocking Snoop’s view of her treasure chest.

  Now we have the F.E.M. guys strolling through some unspecified part of the bar, ogling all the girls like they just got their food stamps and they want some free cheese. Then we’re suddenly in another part of the bar where a giant cage has been set up so that women who normally need support bras can do things without wearing one. This mainly involves an odd form of wrestling that makes things jiggle.

  This leads to some frenzied jump-cutting, with scenes involving some trollop staggering into a bathroom, the lead Far East guy staggering out of that same bathroom with two tramps on his arms (Really? You pick up women in there?), more shots of the dramatic borderline-lesbian wrestling where Snoop appears to be a judge of some kind (no surprise), and the Far East guys bellowing things like “check it out” and “ram your caboose on me”. This is a really class act.

  Shout out to the women being objectified and belittled in this video: You CAN overcome low self-esteem issues. You can start by actually putting some real clothes on and not thrusting your body parts at anybody with a pulse. Let me send you a brochure.

  Sadly, nobody in this video is listening to me. So we have to plow through more of the same mess. We have energetic women doing everything they can to thrust their breasts at the camera repeatedly, athletic women body-slamming each other in that giant cage (symbolic, much?) and Snoop and the F.E.M. dudes strutting about with amazing over-confidence just because they can stand up when they pee.

  We finally get away from the cage match long enough for one of the Far East guys to escort a transvestite into a place that has tiled walls, where he is apparently able to bring his partner to orgasm just by rapping about giving up “all my loot”. That’s nice. Meanwhile, the rest of the Far East guys are doing something in a booth that is also occupied by a woman wearing 3-D glasses, cheap pantyhose, and a stupid hair bun.

  Remind me to NOT check out this club if I ever travel to… wherever these people are. I really don’t think I’d be comfortable in a place that caters to misogynistic cavemen and their barely-clad, hormone-dripping lady friends that think nothing of humping a bar stool until it breaks off at the base.

  And what’s up with that quick shot of all those guys lined up along the tiled wall where we just watched people having rap sex? They seem to be very happy to be touching each others’ shoulders. Just sayin.

  Another quick shot, this one involving Snoop spanking the Panther Woman’s butt. Based on her lackadaisical reaction, this must happen a lot, like when she’s getting her tires changed or standing in line at the DMV.

  We wind down with more of the same. Floozies doing gymnastics to prove they can be taken advantage of in multiple positions, the Far East guys still assuming that simply wearing sunglasses and shaving your head will make every female on the planet desperately want you (hey, it apparently works for Pitbull), and World Wrestling Federation rejects getting a second chance in life by appearing in a slut bar where nobody cares what you look like as long as a random breast pops free at regular intervals.

  Somebody out there has totally used up their 15 minutes of fame…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube…

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