Lifehouse - “All In”

  Okay, folks, this is basically concert footage with no story, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing where I totally make things up. Here we go…

0:02  Apparently there’s a hyperactive but very rhythmic woodpecker loose in the building.

0:07  The drummer gets electrocuted. Guess they better hire that woodpecker.

0:10  Apparently there’s only one porta-potty for miles around.

0:20  Impromptu Beatles tribute.

0:29  Jesus descends from heaven to play guitar. That was sweet of Him.

0:39  Band member is very uncertain about things like video cameras and hairbrushes.

0:43  Lead singer Jason confuses headphones with binoculars.

0:48  Group hug to celebrate the arrival of clean underwear.

0:54  Handy list of code phrases for sexual acts, to be handed out to approved groupies.

1:02  Brief glimpse of Child of the Corn in audience. (Run!)

1:09  Jason doesn’t want us to say anything about the mishap with the vodka.

1:15  Jason tackles much larger band member. Assuming that somebody ate the last bit of something when it wasn’t theirs to eat.

1:22  Spotlights search for Waldo. Find marijuana smoke instead.

1:36  Jason risks life by touching people who may not be sanitary.

1:41  Super ugly couch scares all.

1:51  Teenyboppers fondle a passing Jason, reach pinnacle of their otherwise unimportant lives. Joblessness in future.

1:55  What’s up with the walking stick?

2:02  Jason forgets where the stage is. (Pssst. Head toward the light. No, really.)

2:18 Very odd dance routine that might be part of a tribal sacrifice.

2:23  Unidentified person with massive amounts of air is very proud of himself, wears t-shirt proclaiming own greatness.

2:42  Flannel never dies.

2:47  Jesus identifies gummy bear that has sinned greatly.

2:59  Jason struts down music-fashion runway in Milan.

3:08  Jesus turns water into guitar.

3:17  Jason kills creepy bug with karate move.

3:20  Something electrical explodes. No one cares.

3:29  Groupies audition large mouths.

3:31  Jason spies truth about band member’s manhood.

3:36  Another odd dance move, this one celebrating truckers and the rigs they drive.

3:40  17 roadies cannot figure out how to close purple curtain.

3:42  Band member points out Amelia Earhart in audience.

4:01  Entire audience loses natural skin tone after eating suspect nachos.

4:04  Band gets word that Barry Manilow is in da house, ends set and rushes backstage for festivities and more dancing.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Lifehouse - “Broken”

  We start off with the band sitting in a car, with the lead singer already warbling and the rest of the band not doing much of value. The car doesn’t seem to be moving, but it appears that lots of other people are on foot, streaming past the car and headed in the other direction. Clearly, something is not right, above and beyond a certain band member’s refusal to brush his hair.

  The camera finally moves around so that we can see the car is in the middle of a long tunnel. We can also see that something is just a bit odd about the lines of people walking around the car. We can’t quite put our finger on it, other than no one seems to be very happy, so we might be at a really big office party where attendance was mandatory and the people you already didn’t like have had too much eggnog.

  The lead singer finally hops out of the car, intent on either determining the source of the crowd dissatisfaction or running somewhere to pick up his Chinese takeout while double-parked, not sure. Once he stands up, we can see that the entire tunnel is filled with these shuffling folk, and I get a flashback to the original “Dawn of the Dead” movie. You know, the gory one in the mall where bad things happen to people who shop at JC Penney. This doesn’t look good.

  No matter, these people are rock stars and they’ve faced much worse. The rest of the guys jump out as well and start trucking along behind the lead singer. The camera lingers on the singer’s face, so we can study the complex emotions he’s apparently feeling as well as learn that he likes his hair with frosted tips. (Now is not the time to point out that he might need a touch up. They seem to be rather occupied at the moment.)

  The next several minutes are pretty much the same thing, with the band working its way upstream in the crowd and nobody smiling. (I guess it never occurs to these guys that there might be a REASON why everyone is headed the other way. Me, I’ve seen too many horror movies, and I would already be running in the opposite direction, knocking down senior citizens in my panicked need to escape the vague monster who is eating people.)

  At one point, the lead singer bumps into one of the strange people, and causes him to spill the contents of his briefcase. But instead of politely stopping to help with fluttering paper retrieval, the lead singer just keeps marching along, so he must be from Jersey. The lead singer bumps into several other people on his journey, but most of them don’t seem to notice. What is wrong with these people? Just shuffle, shuffle, look depressed. I don’t want to live wherever this is.

  In the most horrifying moment of the entire video, a small girl drops her teddy bear and her wicked mommy won’t let her pick it up, forcing the little girl to leave her furry friend behind, with lots of rude people stomping on its head. That poor girl will be in therapy for years, eventually turning to drugs and breaking into the zoo late at night, wandering around and endlessly searching for long-lost “Bucky” in the bear cages.

  Years later, the band finally makes it to the end of the tunnel, and we see that there has been a nasty car accident. While rescue people dash about and do their thing, the lead singer spies a woman standing near him, who is looking into one of the wrecked cars and seeing herself in the crumpled driver’s seat, dead. Then he sees another guy also looking at his own dead self.

  Well then, this is one happy, festive video, eh?

  The lead singer finally clues in, and dashes over to the worst of the cars, wrenching the door open so he can look inside. Yep, he sees himself taking more than just a nap. The lead singer turns and runs back into the tunnel, fighting through the trudging Dawn of the Dead people and scrambling to get to his car. When he does, he sees himself and the rest of the band still in the car. Lead singer guy starts banging on the windows to get their attention, but there must be a good song on the radio and they completely ignore him.

  Then the lead singer is startled out of his daydream by a police officer banging on the same window, motioning that he can go ahead and pull forward. Nobody’s really dead, nothing to see here, move along.

  Really?

  Geez.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Lifehouse - “First Time”

Editor’s Note: Not a whole lot happens in this video, but that’s why I’m here, to help you through the rough spots. And, go!

We start out in a really white room, with the band members wearing white as well. There seems to be a classical motif to the design of the room, but that might just be a flashback from me watching too much HGTV. They play for a bit, so we can get used to them in this sterile setting. In the psychological field, this is known as “conditioning”. In the music video field, this is known as “we really weren’t sure how to start the video”.

The lead singer starts in with the lyrics, and we immediately cut to a couple strolling along in some place that we don’t know. (There are payphones on the wall, so at least they have communication with the outside world, should it be necessary.) Oh wait, there’s another couple somewhere else, with the guy riding a skateboard, so you know the woman is bored out of her skull with the childish actions of her beau. (Why is it SO hard for women to find men who have left the playground behind? Seriously.)

Back to the lead singer, who breaks into the chorus, causing his guitar to change from white to something a bit more colorful. Oh? This red color then bleeds down onto the lead singer. The other band members don’t seem to think this is odd, so I’ll let it go for now, but on a personal level, I don’t want music that changes my personal color palette. It’s just a thing with me.

Whoops, now the red color is seeping onto the drummer as well, so I’m starting to really not like this evil invasion of a primary color. First, it’s just rude, and second, I don’t care for the Republican symbolism. But I guess it’s not all about me, and I should just shut up and keep watching.

Well, maybe I can’t. Now the red color is on the guitar player. This is clearly an invasion of some kind, and people need to be notified of the emergency condition. (Would YOU think kindly of me if I noticed that people were being transformed against their will and I didn’t alert the authorities? I think not.) Trouble is, who do you call in a situation like this?

Now the red color is climbing the walls, so all hell must be breaking loose. (It’s just like the mid-term elections! Save us all!) But there is at least one calming factor, in that the band members are not bothered in the least, so I’ll try once again to remain calm and just try to absorb the artistic vision of the director for this video. (Which is apparently Sarah Palin.)

Cut to some people frolicking on a beach, which seems much less lethal and destructive, so let’s see what those folks are up to. Well, before we can learn anything, we cut to another couple walking on a bridge. Then back to the beach couple, with the woman drawing a heart around her man as he lies in the sand. Um, love will build a bridge? Who knows.

We revisit the previously-white room with the band, where the red has taken over the ceiling and part of two walls. This can’t be good. I’m assuming that the band will be killed fairly soon, so I hope they said loving things to their partners before they left for the video shoot this morning. The band still seems to be happy, so I guess as long as you have music, you can face any obstacles. That’s a nice message. They’ll still probably be killed, but it’s nice.

The lead singer kicks some device on the floor that accelerates the vengeful red color, and now most of the room is awash with the blood of manic perpetrators. This is intermixed with shots of the beach couple on the verge of having sex. I should probably warn them that doing so will result in sand getting in crevices that they didn’t know they had, but I’m more concerned with the fate of the band, so I’ll let it go.

Quick shot of happy people riding bicycles and waving their hands in the air. Typical. Folks are being slaughtered in other parts of the world, but jaded people don’t care and choose to pursue recreational activities.

Back to the band, where the red paint has just about achieved dominance over the room. The band is still playing, unaware of their dooms, although the lead singer is scrunching his face up like he knows something is wrong, or maybe he just wore that one risky pair of underwear that can ride up at the wrong moment. Then the stupid guitar player actually helps the red paint finish up it’s transformation of the room. Well, fine, then. I can’t save you people if you’re going to willingly consort with the enemy. You’re on your own, and I’m just going to blog.

Zip over to another scene, where it appears that a soldier is returning from deployment to be with his family. And I will not say a word against this. Wish it could happen for everybody that has been called to serve in military conflicts that are not based in truth. (Liberal? Perhaps. Reality? Most definitely.) The couple smooches, and all is good.

Quick shots of the skateboard couple (I think) at a tattoo parlor, fully in love and tonguing each other while they wait for their skin to be pierced. Not sure what we’re saying here, but let’s call it freedom of choice and be happy about that.

We wind things down with the band performing in the totally red room, the beach couple not caring about where the sand might get, the bridge couple happy that they crossed the bridge, and the skateboard couple deciding that if one of them wants to risk his life while riding a skinny something on wheels, well, that’s just fine. Everybody loves everybody, and all is good.

But seriously. If that red crap starts appearing on my walls, there’s gonna be a fight. Sayin.

　
Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Lifehouse - “Halfway Gone”

.
 So we start out with this really blurry image of a person walking toward us. I don’t know if they’re just being artistic or if the cameraman is drunk and no one noticed. This goes on for a little bit, and boredom is already creeping in, when suddenly the shot comes into focus just as the lead singer starts warbling the lyrics. A few seconds later, the rest of the band magically appears out of the singer’s back, then they wander off to do something else.

  Then we have close-ups of each band member singing the song, proving that they at least know the words. This is a really greasy-looking bunch of people, and none of them appear to be very happy. Come on, folks, lighten up. We know you’re getting paid for this. Crack a smile or two.

  Anyway, all of this is taking place in some type of peaceful park next to a quaint little lake. Very pretty and calming. Then some rude people in cars come driving up, killing the grass and polluting the atmosphere. Crowds of yuppies pile out of the cars, and everybody starts dragging out blankets and picnic things. Great. Nothing says “serenity” like 500 of your closest friends screaming and eating fried chicken.

  But it’s a good thing these other folks showed up, because it appears that the band is no longer interested in singing the song. Now all of these extras are put to work performing bits of the song, with close-ups of people we don’t know, lip-synching and dancing like an injured moose.

  Then we have several scenes showing part of the herd breaking away and racing off to do something. This pack runs up a hill, then bursts forth over the top of it, all of them waving and cheering like they just won the World Cup. We have no idea why they are doing this, but they certainly have lots of energy. They thunder down the hill,  laughing and carrying on. I’m guessing there was a stop at Starbucks before they hit the park.

  While we were away watching this mad race to nowhere, someone in the legal department must have spoken to the band, because now they’re back in the picture. More close-ups of them half-heartedly singing the song. These shots are interspersed with some fool running around in one of those giant hamster-balls that are apparently the rage with certain classes of people. Why do people even want to do this, when you could just sit around somewhere and drink beer?

  More clips of strangers singing along. I’m fairly certain that I don’t want any of their CD’s.

  Then there’s a disturbing scene where lots of these strangers come running out of the side of a very skinny tree and race directly at the camera. This is NOT what Nature intended, with trees giving birth to threatening people that fill the screen. I don’t think I like this park anymore. It’s evil.

  More clips of unknowns who can’t dance. This is starting to get old. All of these people running around and they can’t come up with something more satisfying to do? I almost miss the stupid hamster-ball.

  Oh wait, there’s Hamster Man. He’s given a nice extended shot as he furiously works the contraption across the screen, running like a fiber drink just kicked in. Thrillingly, he trips and falls right at the last second. Watching people bust their ass is one of the finer things in life. They cut away just as this happens, but I still got my fix.

  Then some of the peeps in the cast of thousands decide it’s time to eat, throwing down their blankets and setting up a spread. Sadly, and inexplicably, this quickly leads to some severe rough-housing, with folks rolling around on the ground and potato salad flying. Some people just don’t have any manners.

  Next up is a long scene where they’re doing some of that digital magic again. This time, we zoom in on one of the band members facing away from us. At first, it actually appears that he might be relieving himself, so I’m a little concerned about the plot at this point. But no, he’s just standing very still so pretty women can burst out of his crotch and back, then caress him lovingly.

  Holy cow. This is one naughty magical park.

  We check back in with the rough-housing hooligans who don’t understand how to properly have a picnic, to find that things have progressed to an all-out food war, with entrees and drinks being hurled about. This is what happens when lip-synchers are unsupervised. But at least they’re having fun, bless their little ADD hearts.

  And we’re just about done. They cram in about a thousand quick shots of the Benetton extras as they shimmy and groove to the last of the song, a few more glimpses of the bored band members, and a final update from the food fight, where some idiot has pulled out a crate of whipped cream cans. People are squirting and screaming and running, like some jacked-up Fertility Clinic of the Damned. I hope they’re all wearing protection, especially since you never know where they might morph next.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube...

Lifehouse - "Whatever It Takes"

Okay, so we start out with lots of cut shots showing mundane things you would see in a typical apartment: pictures on the wall, cooking essentials, a bag of chips, a microwave. No real clues yet on where we might be heading. The lead singer is sitting in a bedroom.

Then suddenly the lead singer is strumming his guitar while surrounded by a variety of table lamps. Are they doing a benefit concert at Pottery Barn? He's not even singing yet and I don't know what's going on.

Then we get better views of the apartment, and the theme is industrial, concentration camp, and creepy. Okay, this song is about him doing whatever it takes to keep somebody, and I'm gonna have to say the first item on the checklist should be hire a designer that knows how to use color.

He finally starts singing, and we jump back and forth from Stalag 17 to the Pottery Barn concert to Free Tibet. What is the obsession with accent lighting?

Then he breaks into the chorus, and suddenly the pictures on the wall and various other objects around the bedroom start exploding into bits. What the hell?

Finally the apparently deadly chorus ends, and the lead singer moves into the kitchen. (We get close-ups of his grunge-booted feet actually walking, not sure why.) He paws the kitchen counter, and then fiddles with a picture of him and some girl, and I'm assuming she's the object of his affection. (Gotta say the girl is right to have reservations about the relationship, especially now that we know his singing can cause destruction.)

And there he goes with the chorus again, and all kinds of crap is blowing up all over the kitchen. Cheerios flying, milk gushing, condiments all in a tizzy. I'm really starting to hate this chorus. People could die.

And more shots of him playing his guitar with the pottery barn lamps. Okay, symbolism can be fun and interesting. Confusion is just... confusion.

Oh wait, now he's singing again, and all of the things that previously exploded all over the apartment are miraculously reassembling themselves and everything is all pretty again.

Then he's back in the bedroom, and the girl from the kitchen picture is slumbering peacefully behind him while he sits on the end of the bed. He reaches over and wakes her up (rude, dude). She beams up at him, they hold hands, and the lead singer turns back to the camera and looks happy and satisfied.

Loved that final shot, touching. But everything up to that point? What the hell?


Editor's Note: This is the place where you would normally click to see the video on YouTube, but for some odd reason you can no longer find the original video that I reviewed. No idea what happened, but I'm guessing there was some type of litigation and a copyright holder got pushy. You'll just have to do the visuals in your head...