Monday, March 8, 2010
So we start out with a couple of scantily-clad women bouncing around in front of a giant neon sign for some “Drive-In”. I guess this video was made in California during one of their infamous “rolling brownouts” because the lights keep flickering and it’s really not clear what anyone is doing.
Then one of the heavy-breathing girls moves out of the way and we can see a second part of the sign which informs us that this Drive-In serves “Hot Cakes”. I think we’re supposed to take that as a not-so-subtle reference to the sluts on parade, but all it did for me was make me want breakfast.
Now we have some shots of Timbaland and JT standing around, wearing ball caps and leather jackets because the costumer designer on this gig is just really original, we’ve NEVER seen that getup before. I suppose they’re trying to dance in that down-low way where they just sort of twitch, but I may be mistaken.
This is followed by Timbaland sitting in a car, with some dude that I don’t recognize. I don’t know where JT ran off to, maybe it was time for him to host “Saturday Night Live” again. There are several chicks skating around the car, acting like mobile waitresses trying to take orders on cute little pads, but I seriously doubt any of them can actually write. The waitresses do, however, know how to lean over and practically shove their breasts in the car windows. Everybody needs a skill.
Oh look, JT’s back, and he and Timbaland are doing the standing around and looking cool thing again. Now it’s time for them to do the “me, you, you, me” part of the song that gets really monotonous. They try to spice it up with some hand movements as they say each word, but it’s not really working out and just looks stupid. Is there actually a director on this video, or is it really somebody’s assistant recording all this on his cheap cell phone?
Now we’re presented with a montage of lovely ladies cavorting about like their lives depended on it. One poor girl in front of the Drive-In sign starts jerking so wildly that I’m concerned she may have stepped on a fallen power line. There’s another featured “dancer” wearing puffy pink pajamas and wrapped in so many necklaces that I don’t see how she can breathe. Maybe that’s why she drops to all fours and wiggles. The guys think she’s being really sexy but she’s actually motioning for someone to call 9-1-1.
More montage scenes, with the rolling waitresses still trying to get the order right, some line dancers who are very proud of their crotches, and the boys still thinking that making hand gestures somehow improves the lyrics. And the girls seem very invested in taking off bits of clothing. It’s apparently hot on that stage. The brownouts must be affecting the AC as well as the lights.
Then we have an extended scene with JT being worshipped by salivating women. First he just stands there while two women paw at him while wearing modified baseball uniforms (meaning panties instead of pants). These two are also trying to lick their lips while looking provocatively at the camera, but they don’t seem to know where the camera is located and they come off as a little simple.
Then JT apparently gets tired and has to sit in a white chair. As he recuperates, trollops in French-maid outfits proffer him desserts and such. He doesn’t seem to be hungry, so the maids dance around holding the unconsumed food. There’s a close-up of one girl with a cherry in her mouth and a mourning veil over her face. What, was she on her way to a funeral when she got the casting call and she made a U-turn?
Meanwhile, Timbaland has secured his own chair and his own personal troupe of gyrating hoofers. He shows that he’s a true professional, managing to continue with his singing while yet another horny dancer maps out the side of his head with her tongue. Timbaland doesn’t even blink. Maybe he’s used to this sort of thing happening.
And once again we have some more of the “me, you, you, me” crap. This time around they’ve decided to just do a whole bunch of jump cuts: Timba and JT with the hand gestures accentuated with leaning left and right to the beat, a really high-strung dancer in red fishnet stockings who is prancing about so energetically that she could probably power the city of San Bernadino, and a whole assortment of lesser-dancers whose signature move is struggling to keep their breasts covered as they twirl.
Then JT joins the line dancers in front of the Drive-In sign. The girls are all involved in some synchronized choreography that features a lot of squatting and thrusting, but I guess JT didn’t pay attention during rehearsal and is just winging it. He resorts to holding his hands out a lot and stomping his feet around like he just saw a cockroach.
Cut back over to Timbaland, who is still in his chair. (Maybe he’s anemic?) Here comes face-licker girl again. She must have missed a spot, because she’s back at it with her power-drill tongue while also waving her fanny at the camera. She is VERY talented. I hope she goes far.
Another long sequence, this one with Timbaland and JT presumably dancing. I’m not really impressed with this “I’m too cool to actually DANCE” style of dancing. They are taking one step forward, bouncing a little bit, then taking another step forward, more bouncing. How do you stay ON the dance floor if you’re doing that? Have these people not seen “Dancing with the Stars?”. They would be SO voted out.
And yet another montage. (Seriously, there’s no director on this thing, right?) Basically, more of the same stuff. There’s only two new things of any interest. One involves a startling scene where somebody’s leather-clad hips come flying through the air at the camera (was there an explosion?), and a new dancer sporting a giant afro and apparently titillated by the helium in the odd, why-are-they-there balloons floating behind her.
We wrap it up with Timbaland and JT just standing there, flipping their hands in front of their chests, simulating heartbeats as the final notes of the song play. Great suggestion, guys. Let me just punch the button on my medic alert bracelet. Hopefully, some EMT will race in the door and use those jolting paddles on my chest to try and bring me back to life.
Because I need it after that mess…
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