We start out in a
super-deluxe restaurant, with folks in high-end couture and 47 different forks
in a place setting. There may have just been a wedding, because we have a
couple dressed as bride and groom, but you never know what the club kids might
be wearing for kicks these days. There are Japanese subtitles that might
explain what is going on, but I grew up in Oklahoma and the only foreign
language offered at my high school was Proper English.
Then we suddenly
have Gwen front and center, wearing another one of her mid-90’s ensembles that
walked a very fine line between “that is SO cute” and “was there a loss of
oxygen at a critical point in her childhood?”. She kicks off some odd dance moves that
involve squatting and waving her arms, a bit of choreography that seems vaguely
Russian-inspired, but I doubt that was the particular theme that Gwen had in
mind. After a quick montage of people that we don’t know, Gwen finally stands
up and does some leg kicks to show off her interesting plaid pants and combat
boots.
Then I realize
that the cinematographer is using a fish-eye lens that distorts things, with
Gwen and company purposely doing quirky moves that might look fun on film when
your vision is jacked. Okay, got it. Late to the party, didn’t take the right
drugs, but I can drink vodka really fast and catch up. There’s another montage
of the Japanese people, but we still don’t learn anything about what they might
be doing or why that one bitter woman thought her hairstyle choice was
appropriate.
At 27 seconds in,
Gwen thrusts her plaid crotch at the fish-eye, creating a distorted and
startling image that is now on the hard drives of horny teenage males across
the planet. (Crotch-thrusting crosses all cultural barriers, yes?) I’m not sure
we can top this golden moment, but we’ll see.
Gwen finally
starts singing, probably because her legs are tired, and we get a long shot of
the goings on so we can see that No Doubt is actually performing for this high-end crowd and not just uninvited guests
looking for free alcohol. It’s still not clear why the people at this function
would put the band on their evening’s agenda, but the audience/dinner guests aren’t
calling security, so I guess it’s all good.
We jump into the
hyperactive chorus, and Gwen seems to be especially angry about something, but
before we can ask her what’s up, we go back to the fish-eye lens thing so the
guitarists can shove their distorted instruments at us. It’s not as much fun as
the nether-shoving, but it’s passable entertainment until they serve the second
course. There’s a brief shot of the bride and groom again, and they both look
terrified. It’s not clear if one of them has a secret (like a surprise
pregnancy or maybe some same-sex inclinations) or if they won’t be able to
sleep after seeing Gwen’s Glen coming at them.
Speaking of, Gwen
does that move a couple more times, so we can understand that it was definitely
on purpose and not something awkward that happened due to an aggressive gas
bubble. Cut to the bride hurling her bouquet over her shoulder, way past her
friends and relatives (is she a shot-putter for Team Japan?) and right into
Gwen’s hands as she is straddling a stone statue. (No explanation for the
straddling, she’s just doing it.) Gwen then cuts her finger on a rose thorn. Is
this a tribute to Poison? Are they the second act, served along with the
sorbets?
Oh, I guess Gwen
didn’t take kindly to the unrequested puncturing, because the video goes to
black and white, and suddenly we have a wicked-ass wind blowing all over the
place. Windows are breaking and toupees are flying. Then we see that telephones
are flying around in the air. Lots of them. Say what?
Back to the
chorus, with Gwen and company ratcheting things up while the party patrons run
for their lives from the offspring of Alexander Bell. It’s kind of like an
Alfred Hitchcock movie, only not at all. To their credit, No Doubt keeps playing,
despite the fact that their audience is now heading for the hills, or at least
to the parking valet. More Japanese subtitles are popping up, probably saying
things like “Emergency exits are located over the wing” and “Please remember to
tip your server”. Or maybe not.
Then we roll into
a mess where the band members have apparently been sucked up into the windstorm.
(This is what you get for not unplugging and running like hell when the mayhem
started. Yes, you should be dedicated to your art. No, you shouldn’t be a
dumbass when your art can get you killed.) They swirl through the air for a
bit, then I realize that what I thought was an artsy symbol for a tornado is
actually a big-ass phone cord. What is the obsession with these people about
phones from the devil?
Oh, wait. The
song is about some guy calling Gwen all the time and tormenting her with
poetry. Apparently I need to drink even more vodka to catch up. (Did I mention
that I was from Oklahoma? I saw cows every day. Can you hear me now?)
We get another
montage of the band still playing and not being sucked into a vortex, so we
have some timeline issues, then we get a shot of someone stomping on a piece of
wedding cake as they haul ass down the ornate stairs outside the foo-foo
restaurant. This is probably a critical piece of information that we will have
to decipher later. Then we have more images of people running and screaming
from the mobile phones and/or the possibility that Gwen will straddle something
else.
Okay, now there’s
something about the band members being entangled in a spider web of phone
cords, the first bit of symbolism that doesn’t have to be explained to me with
hand puppets, and then we’re back to Gwen jacking around with the fish-eye
lens. She does a bit with her arms that calls to mind Joan Crawford discovering
satanic wire hangers where they shouldn’t be, and then we have a sequence with
her stomping like the enchiladas are putting up a fight. Gwen sure has a lot of
energy, yes she do.
More scenes of
the band members being violated by the phone cords. It’s time to go wireless,
people.
And more shots of
the band playing, with an intense determination, still not aware (or at least
ignoring) the fact that Mother Nature or AT&T or some other conglomerate is
not happy with how things are going down in this restaurant and they have
decided to smite the participants. (In defiance, Gwen thrusts her squeeze box a
few more times so Daddy can never sleep at night.)
Then Gwen decides
to fight back, first executing a graceful karate move that sends some of the
telephony instruments flying to Jesus, then she hops on a convenient stone
column thingy that allows her to snarl and wave her hands menacingly. Somehow,
through the magic of music videos that are slightly unclear but still
mesmerizing, she and her band-mates and some guy with demonic hair (where did
he come from?) manages to destroy the communications pestilence that has taken
over the land, or at least a trendy bistro.
The video ends
with Gwen and the Doubts walking down an alleyway, still alive and fully
capable of fulfilling their record contract, because that’s what you should
always do after saving the world or performing at a venue with subtitles. ..
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