Kelly Clarkson – “Catch My Breath”

  Note: On the surface, this appears to be just a video of Kelly standing on a stage and reacting to some occasional fancy special effects around her as she sings. On a deeper level, Kelly is actually doing an interpretive dance on what it’s like to grow up in a small town in Texas. (She may not realize that’s what it is, so we’ll just have to tell her about it later.) And here we go…

  We start out with Kelly standing a bit away from us, a lone, solitary figure. This is a representation of how many small Texas towns have populations that are so tiny that the figures are almost negative and the Census Bureau doesn’t even bother stopping by. When there are only 7 people in town, everybody knows your business and you can’t belch without everybody knowing about it in 3 seconds.

  Then we have some images of water, another sign of things that are different in small towns. When you don’t have any citizens, you can’t collect any taxes to pay for adequate water-treatment facilities. You have to wait for it to rain before you can get a glass of water. It’s very sad. No wonder Kelly starting writing songs about a better life.

  We zoom in on Kelly, and she’s wearing a dress that is very flattering but also could have doubled as a costume that a galactic empress might have worn in an old Star Trek episode. (She clearly wouldn’t have been able to purchase this at the local clothing emporium (which also doubles as a feed store), so she must have a cousin or something that lives in a bigger city and secretly sends her couture in the mail.)

  Then Kelly starts singing, and she’s waving her arms with the initial segment of her interpretive dance, the part of the story that details what it’s like having the same teacher for more than one year whilst attaining a public education. (There’s only so much you can do when there are only 3 teachers in the entire school system, and one of them has to take extended leaves to bring in the crops during harvest season.)

  We get a glimpse of some rather evocative rings on Kelly’s fingers (more down-low gifts from that cousin?) and another shot of water, then we see several different angles of Kelly’s now-blond tresses. (All good Texas women go blond at some point, it’s a tradition that dates back to the discovery of the first peroxide well in Beaumont.)

  The first round of the chorus kicks in, and now Kelly is getting very dramatic, waving her hands and flipping her hair with intensity. This is probably the part about running from escaped cattle, because this happens all the time in farm-based communities. You’re innocently practicing your talent routine for the Armadillo Princess Beauty Pageant, and next thing you know there’s a herd of Angus taking over the Dairy Queen.

  Oh wait, now there’s some graphic imagery of what might be roses turning into very bitter hornets. I’m not really sure about that bit of psychology, but when I turn to Kelly for some intel, she’s busy dancing under some pink storm clouds. Ah, so now we’re telling the story of the weather in Texas, a thing that boggles the mind. One minute it’s 112 degrees and the highways are buckling, then the next minute a cold front has frozen the cows’ tongues to their salt lick. (This is probably why they sound so angry when they moo.)

  Whoops, now the clouds are gone, and Kelly is really waving her arms and subtly thrusting her hips. This might be the part where Kelly is discussing sexual relationships in the Lone Star state. (Bottom line: Everybody claims that they aren’t getting any but everyone is.) To simulate the climaxes that no one talks about, they shove a wind machine at Kelly so that her hair flies straight upward in a symbolic orgasm.

  We now have what looks like water droplets flying through the night sky. Although you might think that Kelly is referencing water supplies again, she’s actually bravely bringing up another taboo subject: The fact that alien beings have somehow gotten past the Texas Rangers and infiltrated the state. I don’t know why Texans don’t like to talk about it, but it’s obvious that UFO’s can be the only explanation for the people you meet in certain West Texas towns.

  Kelly loses me for a bit during a montage of her standing in water and getting her dress wet mixed with more of that wind machine, but then we roll into a segment where purple and gold fire is taking over the screen. This is clearly a reference to the significance of high-school football in a state where scoring touchdowns trumps all. It’s more important than home mortgages, happy marriages, and having the biggest barbecue grill. (Although that last bit runs a close second.)

  We get a few shots of Kelly wearing what might be a jacket made out of Yeti fur, and I’m just going to have to let that one go. I have no idea.

  Okay, Kelly has just changed her arm choreography, which means we’re on another chapter of her interpretive dance, and I believe this one concerns the political divide in the state. Despite the other 49 states gazing upon Texas with either horror or adulation (depending on the blueness or redness of the client base in those states), Texas is not a locked-in Fox News outpost. Change is on the horizon, and I believe Bob Dylan wrote a song about it, he just didn’t know it at the time.

  Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, this is about Kelly dancing the story of her upbringing, not mine. We check back in with her, and at the moment she’s doing some more things with the Yeti jacket and trying to keep the wind-machine hair out of her face so she can sing the song. Then we suddenly roll into more scenes of the odd water droplets in the night sky and Kelly wearing an outfit that creates a star image above her breasts. Kelly really enjoys those droplets, and she even lets one fly out of her mouth.

  Hold up. Is Kelly actually from a distant planet? Holy cow that would put a spin on things. I’m going to ignore this development for now, because it would totally change the meaning of all of her songs and I don’t think the world is ready for that. (Although I believe it’s a fair assessment to consider that Simon Cowell is not from Earth, instead being born in an alternate universe where harsh criticism of fledgling singers is considered admirable, and that maybe Kelly winning the first American Idol was an interplanetary conspiracy. OMG!)

  Perhaps I should put down this wine. I might be hearing voices that are not real.

  Back to Kelly, who is still jacking around with the water bubbles and wearing the inexplicable Yeti jacket, and then we have a scene where pretty fire clouds take over the top of the screen. This is probably symbolic of how this state can dry out to the point where simply blinking your eyelid can create enough friction to burn down 74 counties. This place gets parched. Of course, this doesn’t stop the idiots in their mammoth but pointless Chevy trucks from hurling a cigarette out the window.

  Luckily, Kelly’s hair does not burst into flames, despite the angry clouds, which allows her to move into the final segment of her interpretive dance. Or maybe not. The billowing fire now moves to the ground, jeopardizing the long-ass skirt of Kelly’s sexy but still-discreet dress. She immediately launches into some defensive karate moves that she probably learned at the Dairy Queen after random steers thundered into the place looking for something sweet (yes, that image can mean a lot of things). 

  After several tense moments  where it appears that her personal freedoms and choices might be at risk of being burned away (sounds like the 2012 presidential election when some people actually thought Romney might win), Kelly triumphs over the rude burning clouds, her color-treated hair intact and lovely.

  We end the video with another water image, and then Kelly and her currently-golden locks glare directly at the camera and let us know that there is simply no stopping the girl from Burleson, Texas. (Take that, Clive Davis.) And then we fade to black.

  Off screen, a galactic spaceship, headed by the real Captain Kirk and not the endless wannabees that followed, arrives to whisk Kelly away, with a brief stop in London to snag Simon…

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Kelly Clarkson – “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)”

  We start off with two different Kellys wearing two different outfits, one of them singing and the other one banging around with some electronic equipment, so maybe they’re in a competition of some kind, with one of them getting a nice fruit basket or another house for doing a better job. Or maybe the wardrobe people just really screwed up and Kelly didn’t want to say anything harsh because the AMA’s were coming up and she didn’t want to piss anybody off until after they voted.

  Anyway, Singing Kelly starts in with the lyrics, mainly because she’s the one with the microphone and the special light behind her that makes her glow as she sings. Diddling Kelly is in what might be a mixing booth, pushing buttons and sliding knobs, sporting a hairdo and outfit that says “Intergalactic Princess with Combat Training”. I’m thinking Diddles got the harder job, but we’ll see how it goes.

  Diddling Kelly also appears to be in charge of various video monitors, and it’s the activities taking place on these monitors that becomes the central motif of this particular Kelly experience. (Oh, wait, Diddles just picked up her own microphone, one that also appears to have an outer-space theme, so somebody on the production team must have watched a marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.) Diddles sings for a little bit, but then throws the thing back down because she has more knobs to slide and she shouldn’t be playing with Lt. Uhura’s things anyway.

  Then we start visiting the places that the monitors are monitoring, and first up is a trio of businessman in a courtyard in an unnamed city or the parking lot of the recording studio. One of them puts down his expensive wireless phone and, just as the rousing chorus kicks in, he starts dancing to the tune in a self-empowerment way, fist-thrust and all. This move apparently sends a signal to the rest of the world, and spontaneous line-dancing begins to sweep the planet in a Benetton explosion.

  We jump from place to place (and I should probably know these places, but I’m not going to take a stab at guessing because I’ll get one of them wrong and there will be hate mail and dissatisfaction), with large and small groups making a brave attempt at expressing synchronized joy and self-worth. (You can tell that some of the groups studied and practiced hard, maybe even took online courses, and those performances are quite pleasing.  The other groups? Not so much.)

  Eventually the chorus ends and we go back to the quieter lyrics, because that’s how songs work, and we head back into the studio with the special light so we can watch Singing Kelly emote up close and personal. (Diddling Kelly won’t sit still long enough for us to develop a deeper relationship with that particular personality, so we’ll have to wait for her shift to end and then maybe go have coffee.) I do have to say that I’m glad the bad dude in the song lryics is no longer sleeping in Kelly’s bed, because single Singing Sister Girl looks HOT. Mmm hmm. She needs to break off relationships more often.

  More chorus, more dancing, with the locations getting a little unusual. One group is performing underwater, with some of them wearing mermaid outfits. (I’m guessing this might be a reference of some kind, I just didn’t see the right movie or read the right book, which often happens with me.) Another group appears to have been captured by a hidden camera, which means it’s either illegal to be openly rhythmic in that country or people really do suddenly start dancing in the streets for no reason like they tried to teach us in that movie Fame, the one where Irene Cara became a huge star and then we never heard from her again.

  Hold up. I’m starting to realize that most of these groups are doing the same moves, even though they are miles and countries apart. So somebody had to show these people the steps, which means that Kelly has her very own dance to one of her songs. This is very exciting because I’ve always wanted to have a dance to go with one of my songs, even though I don’t sing and I have been arrested for my dancing. (Okay, drinking then dancing is more what it was, and some people did not find the combination to be very attractive or legal.)

  But still, her own dance? Keep watching while I go look this mess up on the web.

  Okay, it seems that Kelly held a competition where you submitted a video of you and your energetic friends copying the dance that she (or her stylist) created. Well, then. So this not the result of “I’m such a super fan of you and this song that I decided to make a video showing my spontaneous joy” and more of a “I don’t have any personal creative skills but I sure am good at following directions, woo hoo!”.

  Knocks a bit of the air out of the balloon, but it’s still a lot of fun. Especially now that I know I can make fun of the dancing styles of some of the folks since it’s not really their fault, it’s Kelly’s. She made them do it. (And that’s what I should have told the police officer. Kelly’s song told me to “breakaway” from being sober and fully-clothed.)

  I get back to the video right as there’s another shot of the underwater mermaids wriggling among the bubbles, and I realize I really can’t blame Kelly for the decisions behind a development like this. These folks clearly have too much time on their hands,  and they apparently have direct access to the Titanic wreckage site, judging by the submerged and twisted metal they are dancing on. And why isn’t the lead singer wearing a mermaid tail like the rest of the clan? Girl, those boots you’re wearing instead are really cute, but you need to stay in character if you want to make it to Hollywood week.

  Now Diddling Kelly is starting to ignore her important button-pushing in the control room, and she’s prancing around and belting the song. (This could lead to complete chaos, so somebody should probably text her.) Singing Kelly is still doing just that, so she understands job assignments better. But I guess who is doing what is not really all that important, because we’re about to kick off the biggest flash mob of the video, and we need to hurry if want to get the best seats.

  And look, Singing Kelly is joining them for this one, so this wasn’t completely staged at all. She’s right in the prominent center of things, with hundreds of people around her, so it’s probably just like another Grammy Awards show for her. But she’s a trooper, and she leads the crowd as they go through the whole dance routine, instead of just the disjointed multicultural snippets we’ve had up to this point.

  This turns out to be a major Hollywood production, with thousands of people bouncing around in their carefully-selected wardrobes chosen by her stylist. Or maybe not. If this part of the video was filmed in California, a strong possibility, there are strict laws about wearing unfashionable attire, even if you are just running to the mailbox, so it’s possible that all these people wandered in off the streets looking like this and already knew all the choreography.

  Anyway, the aerobic empowerment continues for quite some time, because if you can get Kelly and her busy schedule to stay in one place for any length of time you better take advantage of it. Shiny happy people are everywhere, with their energetic smiles indicating that dancing with Kelly is way beyond any sex that they’ve ever had. (There is one questionable moment when all of the folks around Kelly go flying backwards as if there’s been an explosion. Poor Kelly. I’ve tried to warn her about eating spicy Chinese right before a performance but she doesn’t always take my phone calls.)

  We finally get to the end of the flash mob business, and all of these people who supposedly bonded through the miracle of dance just up and walk away without saying goodbye or exchanging email addresses. Well, except for this one small group of people who continue to perform some vaguely ninja-style moves whilst giggling. Perhaps they’re dancing to one of the remix versions and the song isn’t over yet. Or they’re just drunk. It’s really not my place to judge, as long as they are happy. And they avoid the po-po, because you do NOT want to be thrown in the slammer and have to explain to your cellmate, Bubba, that you like to dance and sing. Trust me.

  We get a final shot of Kelly looking super-hot (keep breaking up with those loser boyfriends, girl, it does wonders for your complexion) and then the video fades to black.

  I’m still a little troubled by the mermaid thing, but I’m sure there are medications that I can take…

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Kelly Clarkson - “Miss Independent”

We start out in some house where we apparently have lots of bodies lying about in the various rooms. It’s not clear what has happened, but I’m not ruling out a bad batch of tuna casserole. There are even bodies out by the pool, and a shocking glimpse of one woman who possibly had sex with a bean bag before expiring.

Oh, look, there’s Kelly sitting on a couch all by herself. She seems to be in fine working order, wearing a shabby-chic outfit that coordinates with the giant photograph behind her on the wall. She starts singing, which somehow causes her body to be transported to a new location, next to a TV that is no longer receiving a signal but she still looks cute. There’s another giant photograph on this wall as well, and I’m starting to not care for those things.

Next we have Kelly strolling down a short hallway, trying to be slinky and seductive, though it’s not really clear why she would want to do this, with everybody else in the house being dead and all. She sashays past a few more groups of bodies, but only gives them a brief glance, so she must not have been very close to them. Instead, she continues to pick her way through mounds of party debris as if she’s looking for something, like the remote control or an escape clause on her recording contract.

Still warbling, she makes her way into the vanity area of a bathroom, and becomes completely enraptured with the image of herself in the mirror. In delight, she begins to fiddle with her accessories, and then reaches out to touch herself and make reflective love.

Oh, wait, some dude just walked by behind her. She’s not the only survivor. Yay! Kelly turns and chases him into another room, and we see that all the dead people are now alive and everybody’s jamming to Kelly’s tune. (Maybe they were just napping?) Kelly doesn’t ask any questions, and just starts hopping around and bellowing, happy to have a live audience again and waiting for the three judges to praise her and let her move forward another round.

The reincarnated people are REALLY happy to be mobile again, especially when somebody breaks out the silly string and the air is suddenly filled with aerosol-based sperm. Even Kelly squirts a time or two, when she’s not sitting on the kitchen counter and singing with two girls that she’s probably never met, but impromptu harmonizing often happens when people wear spaghetti-strap blouses and the TV doesn’t work. There’s even some arm-wrestling at the kitchen table, proving that these people are completely out of control and living on the edge.

Now we’re in some room that has been converted into a nightclub, with people dancing around while Kelly’s face beams from a large monitor. Kelly kicks this part of the entertainment off by singing one line into a microphone, and then handing the mike to a succession of her party friends so they can sing a line as well. I’m sure it was absolutely fascinating if you were there in person and alcohol-availability was at maximum levels, but watching from a distance, and sober, some of the charm is lost and I actually preferred it when these people weren’t moving.

Eventually, everybody gets bored with that, and we head out to the swimming pool. It seems that actual bathing suits were not available in this part of town, so people are making do with whatever they are wearing, or not wearing. There’s some silliness with a surfboard, and then we have a civil disobedience uprising, with people being thrown in the pool while Kelly continues to wail the song and make hand gestures like she’s got some happenin’ purses for sale in her trunk and you better hurry if you want one.

Cut to later that night, and things have calmed down considerably, with the place almost deserted. There may have been police activity, with a S.W.A.T. team swooping in and taking out the most obnoxious instigators, like frat boys who say “bro” way too much and coeds who insist on talking like they’re three years old and just discovered their own belly button. (“Like, oh my God, I could put my finger in it!”)

Kelly wanders around, and we realize that the place is not entirely vacated. Instead, we have couples nuzzling each other in an intimate manner, sprawled in little clumps about the premises. (There’s even a duo in the bathtub, because THAT’S sexy, right?) Kelly is very sad that everybody has a bang buddy except her, so she heads back to that vanity mirror to remind herself that she already has a partner, even if it’s just her own image.

That only satisfies her for a little bit (you can only take so much of your partner making the exact same movements that you do before the relationship starts to sour), so Kelly goes back to the dance hall and stares at a cartoon image of a heart on that giant monitor, apparently hoping that someone riding a unicorn or a Care Bear will come up and save her.

Lo and behold, and not a surprise at all, her Prince Charming is that same guy who ran away from her two minutes ago. (This was probably a cost-savings measure, using the same guy so they didn’t have to hire another actor). Now that Kelly has her own squeeze to play catch with, everybody starts partying again, including one woman with ugly red shoes who insists on dancing on the designer coffee table. (In my house, that skank would SO get smacked across the face for doing that, jello shots or not.)

Anyway, we wind things down with the Dance of Impending Copulation continuing, as Kelly starts whipping her hair around and the other celebrants are further trashing a home that is clearly not theirs. We close the video with Kelly back on that one couch where she made her debut, and her new beau wanders in to sit beside her, with an “aw-shucks” grin and a Justin Bieber hairdo at a time when Justin was still in training pants. Kelly just smiles at him naughtily, apparently more than ready to lose her independence…


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Kelly Clarkson - “Breakaway”

We start out with a family driving in a station wagon, with the focus on a young girl who is clearly not impressed with the rest of her family. She tries to just enjoy herself by shoving her head out the window and pretending that she’s not related to anybody, but soon enough the other three family members are acting like fools, yelling and smacking at each other. So Little Kelly just tolerates it and prays. And wears an unattractive ball cap.

Suddenly we’re with Big Kelly, all grown up, and she’s in the back of a limo, wearing a fancy outfit and sporting expensive jewelry along with designer shades and a tri-color hairdo. No explanation about how she got from ball cap to Gucci, but we’ll assume that the experience was quite pleasing and somehow enhanced her breasts.

Kelly arrives wherever, and she hops out of the car and we’re at the premiere of Princess Diaries 2. Really? I had no idea this song was in that movie, never having seen it, but apparently this video is a promo of Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrews learning to love each other. Hopefully they won’t push the publicity angle too far. We’ll see.

Kelly takes up a position on the red carpet just in front of several advertisements for the movie, so it looks like this is going to be more about the movie than hoped. Kelly appears to be loving the spotlight, posing for all the photographers and exuding star quality out of every pore. There’s some little PR person trying to direct Kelly on what to do, but she’s got it, wowing the crowd. In fact, Little Miss PR tries to get Kelly to settle down at one point, but Kelly and her couture dress with the poofy thing on the back milk it for all it’s worth.

Eventually we see Kelly in the movie audience, watching Anne and her co-stars make nice and say funny, scripted things. This goes on for a bit, but eventually we cut to Little Kelly on the roof of her house, trying to escape her nasty family by achieving elevation. Little Kelly sits on a peaked corner of the roof and dreams of better things. According to the lyrics, this involves travel by “jet plane”, a phrase that hasn’t been used since the 60’s, so Little Kelly must listen to the oldies station on the radio.

Back to Big Kelly, who is now on one of those jet planes, and apparently experiencing some turbulence. (Which she also experienced on the ground with her whacked family, yes?) To calm her nerves in First Class, she watches more of Princess Diaries 2 on a convenient laptop that somebody has provided. Though she might find the flick soothing, she still has to hold her beverage to keep it from spilling, which is more than a star should have to put up with. Poor thing. Will the pain never end?

And we’re back in the audience for the premiere, with Kelly not exactly looking enraptured with Anne and Julie doing whatever on the screen. Suddenly, one of the ushers is shining a flashlight on where Kelly is sitting, but we’re surprised to learn that the usher is now Kelly, and the Kelly that we thought was Kelly is now a man. (What? Does Kelly need to have a private conversation with Chaz Bono??)

Cut to the concession stand in the theater, where Usher Kelly is performing the song for her co-workers using the flashlight. The co-workers just grin and bear it, indicating that Usher Kelly often bursts into song while proffering vats of buttered popcorn. One of the co-workers even joins Kelly in a duet. Based on his unfortunate hairstyle choice, this is probably the highlight of his unsatisfying life.

And now we transition to Kelly singing for real at some place where the chandeliers are way too low to pass fire-code regulations. Everyone seems to be enjoying her performance, and her hair looks fab, but they jack up this bit with still more footage from that blasted movie. Kelly’s a trooper, continuing to bellow despite the obvious shilling, and I appreciate the inclusion of a chain-link fence as a set prop to indicate she came from a small town. Kudos.

But then she starts waving her hand in the air, and the whole audience does the same thing. I’m not a fan of this activity. It never really bothered me, until I started watching American Idol and noticed that any time ANYBODY sang a song that was remotely slow, the audience would do the hand-waving thing, even if the song sucked and was nothing that you would want to emotionalize via hand gestures. I understand that most of that show’s live audience is limited in their growth and development (seriously, you’re going to drag in a handmade poster with a stupid saying that you think is deep and poetic?), but still. They killed the love of hand-waving for me.

Anyway, nobody listens to me, so the rest of the video is of various people doing the hand-waving bit, including some folks that we’ve never seen before, so I’m guessing there was some inattention during the editing process. At the very end, we have Little Kelly praying to God at the side of her bed, pleading for a better life where she doesn’t have bickering relatives, questionable attire, and ugly furniture. And P.S. Please smite the people who wave their hands for pointless reasons. Love, Little Kelly.
 
 
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Kelly Clarkson - “Already Gone”

We start off with the camera zooming in through Patti LaBelle’s hair, then we see Kelly in Full Glamour mode, with her hair coiffed like Veronica Lake and sporting some slinky couture. Then we have some shots of Kelly’s pad, and apparently the girl has got a few bucks. I guess that singing career has been alright for her.

Next we have Kelly sprawled on a fancy sofa in another outfit, wearing a necklace that could probably fund the government for a few months if people would just get their priorities in order. She sings for a bit, then I guess she’s done with her nap, and she quickly changes back into the “standing up” outfit we first saw her in. Whoops, now she’s back on the couch. Girl just needs to pick a spot and a dress and just finish the song, yes?

Nope, she’s still undecided on her look, choosing now to wear a long black formal and a ponytail. She might have a headache, because she keeps touching her forehead, but I’m sure she’s got people who can take care of that. Ponytail Kelly starts to walk around her spacious apartment, carrying a single flower to indicate her sadness and dating status, and singing the lyrics to various objects in her home, like some abandoned slippers on the grand staircase and a string of pearls that appear to be hanging from a bidet.

This Kelly gets to sing longer than the other two, so she might have finally made her decision on what to wear to that ceremony later tonight where she has to pick up another award and try once again not to trash American Idol. And even though this Kelly walks around for miles, we don’t seem to be repeating rooms, so that must be one big-ass apartment. No wonder she finds it necessary to yell parts of the song. The people in the cheap rooms deserve to hear her as well.

Brief interlude with close-ups of more jewelry adorning various Kelly body parts.

Kelly starts singing again, but she’s not walking around as much, so we might have ended the home tour. She gazes dolefully at the camera, then we see that she might be distraught over the fact that someone spilled champagne on a pretty piece of furniture and didn’t bother to wipe it up. (Did Randy Jackson drop by earlier?) But Kelly’s not sad enough to put down that damn flower and reach for a rag, so I guess it’s all good.

Now Kelly is in a large room where orchestral instruments can play themselves. This is a little disconcerting, seeing violin bows floating magically in the air, but Kelly must be used to it because she hangs around in here for a while. In fact, she heads to a clearing in the middle of the instruments, where she can stand and do her trademark hand movements while singing more of the song. The instruments must enjoy her company, because they get louder.

Kelly gets tired again and decides to sit on the floor and lean against the piano. This might not be the most comfortable position, but it does allow Kelly’s hair to reach the keyboard and keep the melody going, so that part is interesting. (A few of the bass violins seem to be a little jealous of Kelly’s seating choice, so they quickly tidy up their woodworks and try to look like comfortable and relaxing rest stops.)

Kelly’s hair finally finishes its solo, so she heads back to that couch and the bronze dress with the budget-fixing necklace. She wallers and sings for a bit, then we check up on the other Kelly’s. Ponytail still considers that flower to be her best friend, and Veronica Lake appears to be witnessing for Jesus while speaking in tongues. Since everybody is at least busy doing something besides entertaining us, we‘ve probably overstayed our welcome, and we can quietly let ourselves out of the house while the song winds down…


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Kelly Clarkson - "My Life Would Suck Without You"

So Kelly’s on a swing in a park, and at first it seems she’s watching some young kids frolic about, but then you quickly realize that it’s daytime in their park and night in hers. So either she can see really far, or these things did not take place at the same time.

Oh, and the kids are doing something with a bracelet, but it’s not real clear what that might be. Perhaps they are making a pact of friendship, or maybe it’s a livestock transaction in Ancient Greece.

Now Kelly is wearing that same bracelet, only now she’s in an apartment, answering the door. It’s some guy, and she waves keys in front of him and then runs all over the house while he tries to catch her. (Maybe this scene was supposed to be for the kids and somebody got the script pages messed up.)

Shots of Kelly in the night-time swing again. She must like it there.

Back to the apartment, where Kelly finally throws the keys in the toilet. (I’m still thinking the script is jacked.)

And then, HEY, Kelly’s on stage for the chorus. Girl looks hawt, with the lights and the wind machine and the zooming cameras. This is much better than people running and swinging.

Sadly, the chorus eventually ends, and we’re back in the apartment. Kelly and the Key-Wanter are on the couch, and she decides he’s been reading too much or something and snatches away his Juggs magazine. Then she hits him with it and throws it out the window. She mean.

More shots of her swinging.

He throws something of hers out the window, I think, can’t really tell because her hair is in the way. Then she’s racing through the house, grabbing up other things of his and chunking 'em out the window. Come on, people. Is all of this really necessary?

Back to the more-fun chorus on stage, and a little relief, but this time they include cut shots of them still cleaning out the closets and throwing crap onto the street. Kelly even gets dangerously close to throwing a fishbowl, with live fish, out the window. And we would have to hate her a little bit if she did that, even if it’s only a pretend music video, because that’s just wrong. Bad Kelly.

Key Man saves the day at the last minute by snatching out the guppy (isn’t that a Jamaican song?) at the last second. And are these people not thinking about who might be walking below the window? Nice grandma on her way to the retirement center, lugging freshly-baked strudel, and BAM. Wetness and death. This is a really mean video.

Then we have the quiet part of the song where Kelly realizes she can’t let him go. Of course not. Otherwise he would testify against her in the domestic violence lawsuit. And HE saved the guppy, not her. She’d be paying some big money to settle that one.

So now they’re all happy, and decide to go ride around in a jeep, so Kelly can whip her hair around in the wind and he can look cool wearing shades. (Quick shot of the famous bracelet hanging from the rearview mirror, so I guess there was no livestock swap.)

Chorus again, so more mixed shots of Kelly’s hair on stage, and then Kelly’s hair in the jeep. Things go sour in that jeep when they apparently get lost and start a fight about it. Kelly hits him AGAIN, this time with the map. Girl needs some anger management classes.

All this bickering causes him to lose control of the jeep, and although there’s no real danger, they do end up in a gravel parking lot where dust gets everywhere and they aren’t so pretty anymore. I guess the horrifying possibility that she might be dirty AND single is too much for her, so Kelly grabs the guy and they kiss.

And then we’re done. Did you learn a lot? Me neither.


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