Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Kelly Clarkson - “Miss Independent”

We start out in some house where we apparently have lots of bodies lying about in the various rooms. It’s not clear what has happened, but I’m not ruling out a bad batch of tuna casserole. There are even bodies out by the pool, and a shocking glimpse of one woman who possibly had sex with a bean bag before expiring.

Oh, look, there’s Kelly sitting on a couch all by herself. She seems to be in fine working order, wearing a shabby-chic outfit that coordinates with the giant photograph behind her on the wall. She starts singing, which somehow causes her body to be transported to a new location, next to a TV that is no longer receiving a signal but she still looks cute. There’s another giant photograph on this wall as well, and I’m starting to not care for those things.

Next we have Kelly strolling down a short hallway, trying to be slinky and seductive, though it’s not really clear why she would want to do this, with everybody else in the house being dead and all. She sashays past a few more groups of bodies, but only gives them a brief glance, so she must not have been very close to them. Instead, she continues to pick her way through mounds of party debris as if she’s looking for something, like the remote control or an escape clause on her recording contract.

Still warbling, she makes her way into the vanity area of a bathroom, and becomes completely enraptured with the image of herself in the mirror. In delight, she begins to fiddle with her accessories, and then reaches out to touch herself and make reflective love.

Oh, wait, some dude just walked by behind her. She’s not the only survivor. Yay! Kelly turns and chases him into another room, and we see that all the dead people are now alive and everybody’s jamming to Kelly’s tune. (Maybe they were just napping?) Kelly doesn’t ask any questions, and just starts hopping around and bellowing, happy to have a live audience again and waiting for the three judges to praise her and let her move forward another round.

The reincarnated people are REALLY happy to be mobile again, especially when somebody breaks out the silly string and the air is suddenly filled with aerosol-based sperm. Even Kelly squirts a time or two, when she’s not sitting on the kitchen counter and singing with two girls that she’s probably never met, but impromptu harmonizing often happens when people wear spaghetti-strap blouses and the TV doesn’t work. There’s even some arm-wrestling at the kitchen table, proving that these people are completely out of control and living on the edge.

Now we’re in some room that has been converted into a nightclub, with people dancing around while Kelly’s face beams from a large monitor. Kelly kicks this part of the entertainment off by singing one line into a microphone, and then handing the mike to a succession of her party friends so they can sing a line as well. I’m sure it was absolutely fascinating if you were there in person and alcohol-availability was at maximum levels, but watching from a distance, and sober, some of the charm is lost and I actually preferred it when these people weren’t moving.

Eventually, everybody gets bored with that, and we head out to the swimming pool. It seems that actual bathing suits were not available in this part of town, so people are making do with whatever they are wearing, or not wearing. There’s some silliness with a surfboard, and then we have a civil disobedience uprising, with people being thrown in the pool while Kelly continues to wail the song and make hand gestures like she’s got some happenin’ purses for sale in her trunk and you better hurry if you want one.

Cut to later that night, and things have calmed down considerably, with the place almost deserted. There may have been police activity, with a S.W.A.T. team swooping in and taking out the most obnoxious instigators, like frat boys who say “bro” way too much and coeds who insist on talking like they’re three years old and just discovered their own belly button. (“Like, oh my God, I could put my finger in it!”)

Kelly wanders around, and we realize that the place is not entirely vacated. Instead, we have couples nuzzling each other in an intimate manner, sprawled in little clumps about the premises. (There’s even a duo in the bathtub, because THAT’S sexy, right?) Kelly is very sad that everybody has a bang buddy except her, so she heads back to that vanity mirror to remind herself that she already has a partner, even if it’s just her own image.

That only satisfies her for a little bit (you can only take so much of your partner making the exact same movements that you do before the relationship starts to sour), so Kelly goes back to the dance hall and stares at a cartoon image of a heart on that giant monitor, apparently hoping that someone riding a unicorn or a Care Bear will come up and save her.

Lo and behold, and not a surprise at all, her Prince Charming is that same guy who ran away from her two minutes ago. (This was probably a cost-savings measure, using the same guy so they didn’t have to hire another actor). Now that Kelly has her own squeeze to play catch with, everybody starts partying again, including one woman with ugly red shoes who insists on dancing on the designer coffee table. (In my house, that skank would SO get smacked across the face for doing that, jello shots or not.)

Anyway, we wind things down with the Dance of Impending Copulation continuing, as Kelly starts whipping her hair around and the other celebrants are further trashing a home that is clearly not theirs. We close the video with Kelly back on that one couch where she made her debut, and her new beau wanders in to sit beside her, with an “aw-shucks” grin and a Justin Bieber hairdo at a time when Justin was still in training pants. Kelly just smiles at him naughtily, apparently more than ready to lose her independence…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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