Flo Rida - Whistle

  We start out with a close-up on some woman’s dewy lips as she starts the trademark whistling of the song, then we cut to aerial shots of some seaside village that looks way too expensive for me. Then a helpful revolving sign lets us know that we’re in Acapulco, and my first thoughts are “Do people still go to Acapulco? Did I miss a memo?” But before anybody can text me with an update, we cut to a shot of Flo Rida on top of a cliff and not wearing a shirt, so it appears that Acapulco still has some sights to see.

  Flo Rida is doing something with his hands, and it might be important, but I’m distracted by something to the side of him that appears to be a small house for a very religious dog. (This might get me in trouble, but I’m just calling it as I see it.) But before anybody from the SPCA can give me a call, we zip over to somewhere that has lots of women wearing very skimpy bathing suits. It appears that they like to run around in the lapping waves on a beach, and it also appears that the cameraman capturing all this likes to shove his lens right up into the dripping booties of the energetic nymphets.

  Brief bit with Flo Rida whistling in a manner that indicates he might be notifying his staff that fresh meat is on the horizon. This can be interpreted in a number of ways, but we really don’t have time for that. Then we roll into a montage where Flo Rida is sitting on a bed in a sandy place where a bed shouldn’t be, while a bevy of beauties splash around in salty water and pretend to have small orgasms. (Would it be rude of me to point out that there don’t seem to be any men in the salty place? Because there aren’t any that I can see. Is this a special episode of Xena?)

  But before we can determine the orientation of the guest models, we start getting more aerial shots, this time of fascinating swimming pools expensively-constructed atop the cliffs of Acapulco. Then we zip back to Sapphic Bay where the women can’t stop themselves from splashing water all over their glistening bodies, dress size negative 2. Apparently you are not allowed into the city limits of Acapulco if you actually eat food.

  Next up are some men standing on one of the cliffs and determining how they are going to leap into the sea. This is something that has never appealed to me. Why you wanna schlep your ass up a mountain and then free-fall? Especially with that “oh, and you might mess up and kill yourself” angle. I’m not signing up for that excursion. Ever. But the dumbasses leap for Jesus anyway.

  Brief shot of a woman whistling underwater. That’s real, right?

  This kicks off another montage of Flo Rida doing whatever he’s doing with his hands, random female lips whistling , further examples of how saltwater can make women incredibly horny, and more designer shots of those swimming pools that nobody with a blue-collar job can ever afford. And more scenes with Flo Rida on that misplaced bed, snapping pics of the women with his phone and then posting them. Because that kind of behavior shows real respect for women, doesn’t it?

  Then again, how can a woman demand any respect when she’s wearing a “bathing suit” consisting of a few croutons and some dental floss? So I guess it works both ways. Well, not really. Because when was the last time you watched a male run around in a music video wearing less clothing than the day he was born? That’s what I thought.

  Anyway, we roll into a sequence with one of the Crouton Women riding a horse on the beach. Why she would want to do this, it’s not clear, and I think the video producers must have realized the pointlessness  because we quickly cut to some night-time beach party where everybody is throwing confetti in the air like they just don’t care. We pan through some hanging piñatas, and then we get a gratuitous shot of a woman’s breasts. (There’s a psychological issue worth exploring.) But before we can contact Dr. Freud in the afterlife, we cut back to a random series of more women throwing confetti about, most of them piñata-endowed and all of them showing signs of alcohol consumption.

  Then somebody does something that causes sparks to fall down on the undulating gathering of mostly women, with a sprinkling of now-shirted Flo and a few non-threatening, non-ovulating males who happened to make a wrong turn while drunkenly searching for a cantina that was still open. At first, everybody is waving their arms over their heads like the cast members of “Lost” spotted a crop-dusting plane that might rescue them.

  But before we can re-write the crappy ending of that TV series, somebody jump-starts this weird machine that is colorful but useless, and the women go completely insane with the desire to shove their bootays at the camera. Seriously, that saltwater jacked something up in a big way, because the ladies seem hell-bent on ruling the world with their double bubble.

  Then, due to some clearly poor editing, we shift back to things happening in the daytime. The lusty nymphs are once again doing the splashing thing, Flo Rida is back on that bed that doesn’t make any sense, and we still don’t understand the religious doghouse. Oh wait, it’s nighttime again, on the beach with the confetti  and the Burning Man-tribute machine that whirls around for no reason. One of the Booty Women has reviewed the menu and decided she wants her some Flo Rida for takeout. Flo decides that this is one doggy-bag he’s happy to jump into, and they wander off, presumably to do something with piñatas…

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Flo Rida, Sia - “Wild Ones”

  Note: There’s really not much of a story to this one, just some very happy people jumping out of airplanes in Dubai and riding expensive hovercrafts on exclusive beaches. You know, stuff we all do all the time, right? So we’ll do the time-stamp with this one…

0:03  The image of a hotel that I could never afford to visit pops on screen. The beach in front is surprisingly empty, so there may have been an issue with lobster salad on the buffet line.

0:05  People are heading toward a helicopter. Flo probably bought it just because he can.

0:07  Oh, and there’s Flo, strapped in. He seems very pleased to have money.

0:12  And there’s that famous man-made island that looks like a palm tree. Or a really mutated spider, depending on how you turn your head.

0:17  Now people are jumping out of the helicopter. They couldn’t just find an open bar?

0:23  Flo, hurtling downward with a flight buddy glued to his back, is trying very hard to look like he’s having a great time. This is the part where I would be screaming. And I wouldn’t stop for three days.

0:30  The parachutes pop and no one dies. Insurance people at the record company stop holding their breath.

0:33  Flo and a bevy of fly girls are hurtling along in a flyboat through some swampy area. Everyone seems to be having a good time, pumping their fists, except for the one girl who is sitting there quietly and envisioning an alligator snatching away one of her body parts. I think it might be Sia, but things are moving really fast.

0:36  I don’t think anyone anticipated that flock of birds that the flyboat just crashed through, but everyone survives without messing up their hair or makeup.

0:42  Sia and Flo and singing somewhere that requires a helicopter to fly overhead. Or maybe there was a jail break. I understand this happens a lot in countries where it’s too hot to just sit still and think about what you’ve done.

0:43  OMG, there really are alligators up in this grill. Home girl was right to keep an eye out.

0:51  Now we’re in the bar that they should have found in the first place. As usual in such settings, there’s a woman who insists on wearing a hat that is only attractive in her own mind.

0:54  People who couldn’t identify Flo or Sia if their lives depended on it are suddenly partying it up with manic intensity. Alcohol makes everybody best friends.

0:58  Flo waves a bottle of champagne around while Sia looks upset about the rainforest situation. She sure seems to be a moody little duet partner.

1:03 Shot of Flo (I think) sending out a text message that it would make him very happy if we joined him for a party in Miami Beach. I’m guessing my personal invite got lost due to some technical glitch, ‘cause otherwise we tight.

1:08  Shameless product plug for BMW.

1:12  Some guys are playing golf while standing under some really ugly chandeliers.

1:19  Flo is somewhere clutching both a bottle of vodka and a horny admirer. He seems more invested in the vodka. She seems more invested in sliding down his body toward his crotch.

1:20  Is that Debbie Harry and Stevie Wonder?

1:24  Energetic woman shoves her breasts at the camera while her yellow t-shirt groans in structural pain.

1:27  Flo and Friend hop into an ATV, because that’s exactly what you should do after a night on the town.

1:33  That poor woman is still wearing that horrid hat.

1:36  Should we tell that woman she has a liquor bottle lodged in her butt crack? I guess it doesn’t matter.

1:53  And now there’s a glow stick in there as well. What is going on with her?

1:56  The ATV hits something and goes flying through the air. That’s probably not a good sign.

2:01  Flo and a possibly-inebriated male companion perform some synchronized dance steps.

2:06  Sia finally smiles. About time.

2:15  First appearance of the slightly creepy hovercraft thing on the beach. It looks kind of fun to drive. It also looks like something you might see in an Alien movie just before people with lower billing than Signourney Weaver end up dead.

2:22  Aggressive women dance on top of a bar while wearing something only slightly larger than a teabag.

2:32  Back on the flyboat in the swamps, Sia actually stands up and starts shaking her booty. But she is over-shaken by a woman on the left who is gyrating like she just sat on a hot exhaust pipe.

2:36  Flo and friends pretend to be stranded on an abandoned dock in the middle of the water, because it’s always fun to act like you might die in a swamp.

2:39  Sia suddenly decides to ride a polo horse in some unknown location.

2:44  This is apparently all the training you need to learn how to operate a flyboat, because she then drives one to rescue Flo and friends on that questionable dock.

2:48  Welcoming him aboard with a hug, Sia still manages to simultaneously shove her hiney backwards and her transponders forward with eye-opening power. (Notice the girl in the lower right who is simply stunned by this display of obvious skill.)

2:54  Then the two of them drive off and leave the rest of the friends on that stupid dock. What up?

2:59  Oh. Apparently this separation allows Sia to spend some quality time pawing at Flo’s chest. That up. No wonder girl was all pouty before, she wanted her some yum yum from The Rida, she did.

3:05  Back in the nightclub, something explodes behind the bar-top dancers but they don’t even notice.

3:11  Another hotel that I can’t afford.

3:13  Sobriety-challenged bar patron has difficulty getting the champagne anywhere near the glass.

3:21  More bang-bang on the booty boat.

3:26  Audrey Hepburn?

3:29  Bar patron suddenly realizes that maybe the sideways-ballcap thing ain’t all that anymore.

3:32  Sia and Flo, post-lovin’ and satisfied.

3:36  More of the creepy hovercraft. Apparently this thing is a little difficult to control, because you can see in the background that someone is clearly running for his life.

3:47  Last good shot of Sia. And she’s back to her sad place, poor thing. punch

3:50  Hovercraft slides out of view and the video fades…



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Flo Rida - “Right Round”

We start out with images of someone possibly being electrocuted as they stand on a giant Oreo cookie. (Well, I guess that’s one diet that might actually work. You get near a snack, you get zapped.) Then the lights go up a bit and we can see that Flo Rida is actually standing on a giant turntable that slowly spins him right round as he sings. Got it. We have a concept album here.

We get some pretty, digitized images on a giant screen behind Flo (the planet, nature scenes, somebody’s butt) as he warbles, then some girl comes marching in, singing the female part of the song that I guess I didn’t notice was even there until she showed up with her attitude. She joins Flo Rida on the turntable, and then immediately assumes a dominant stance and glares at us. We’ve only known her for five seconds and I’m already done with her.

Flo Rida launches into his rap, with the images still flashing behind him and Attitude Girl whipping her hair around like all of this was really her idea. Flo Rida does his best to just ignore her, but she’s all up in his grill with her flapping arms, grabbing at her face like she just found out she’s got crabs again. (Somebody needs to put that turntable on 78rpm and catapult her ass off the set.)

This goes on for quite some time, with only the pretty pictures in the background changing. Finally, Flo Rida changes to a red shirt, which magically causes Attitude Girl to disappear for a while. (I hope he never takes that shirt off.) We get a very brief shot of what might be an orgy taking place on the turntable. It’s gone before I can raise my hand and ask any questions.

Aw, hell, it’s the female part of the song again, and her comes Miss Fancy Pants once more. She hasn’t settled down a bit, doing something with her head that would make Linda Blair proud. To make it worse, she’s also appearing on the screen behind the spinning couple, and I start fearing for my life. This song has totally changed for me at this point.

Another quick shot of the orgy.

So we go like this for a while, with Rida riding the record, and Happiness Crusher Girl jetting in and out every time she thinks of another angry dance move to do. Then a new girl appears, with really long hair and less-threatening choreography, but then she disappears and Angry Annie is back. (She is NOT gonna let some second-rate tramp steal the spotlight!) Then other girls appear, briefly, only to be scared off by Whirling Wanda and her Arms of Death.

We start some mess with Flo and the various girls jacking around with a smart phone, taking pictures of things we really can’t see, so I’m not sure what the point might be with that angle. (A double-shot of the orgy surfaces during this bit, probably to keep our attention in case we aren’t interested in watching other people text.) Then the female part of the song comes back, and I leave the room to get another beer while Cranky Crotch returns to the Oreo and starts wailing and flailing. Over her.

When I return, we’re seeing jump shots of various goings on, most of them involving Flo Rida and unknown people dancing and waving beverages in the air. (And, of course, everyone is really pretty, which is SO not reality, so these must be really special nightclubs and random parking lots.) I’m mostly intrigued with the sequences involving people strutting around in front of designer cars. Everyone in those shots looks very happy and non-threatened. Can we watch the rest of that video?

Nope, we head back to the cookie. Flo Rida rapping. Queen Bee killing her drones. Orgy.

Oh wait, Flo Rida just took off his shirt while on the cookie, and that totally changes everything. But only for two seconds. Then we’re back to Fully-Dressed Flo, with Succubus Sally banging her crotch against him while doing a backbend. She’s very limber, that Sally. But still angry.

And that’s pretty much how we wrap things up. Various women trying and failing to knock Nasty Nancy out of the ring. Flo Rida patiently putting up with all of them because he’s completely used to women fighting for the chance to stand near him. And tantalizing, too-short shots of that damn orgy mess on the spinning record.

Final shot is of Flo Rida clutching Harridan Hannah to his side, raising his other fist triumphantly. I guess she won after all. Bitch. But I'm not bitter...


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Flo Rida, David Guetta - “Club Can’t Handle Me”

  Well, with “club” right there in the title, we’re basically guaranteed that this will be yet another video where happy, pretty people are bouncing around like idiots in a nameless bar, but I’ll try to be nice about it until I can’t stand it anymore.

  We start out with two really fancy cars parked in front of a nightclub. These vehicles are so fancy that the car doors open UP instead of out like cars driven by poor people who can’t sing. And get this: the car doors open at the same time, just like synchronized swimming, except there’s not any water and no one is wearing bathing caps. There’s a line of people waiting to get into the bar, and every one of them is mesmerized by the auto choreography. Three people fall to their knees in tears and worship.

  And there’s Flo, trying to look all hip as he clamors out of one of the cars, but he’s having a bit of a struggle because the cars are so low to the ground. (And really, what’s the point of having a car that requires a crane to get your ass out of?) One of the people in line just happens to have some WD-40 in her purse, so they use that to help Flo escape. Once free, Flo raises his hands in the air, praising Jesus or at least synthetic lubricants.

  Quick scene where some creepy stalker with a camera is chasing after some girl. They appear to be in one of those funhouse “hall of mirrors” things where you completely lose your dignity by smacking into a clear wall that you didn’t realize was there. I’m not sure what this means, but the girl seems to be smiling and doesn’t mind creepy guys with cameras, so that’s good.

  Back outside, Flo Rida is apparently so wealthy that he can just throw huge amounts of money in the air, making it look like we’re in a giant snow globe as the rectangles of paper flutter about. I don’t understand why the people in line don’t  make a dash for the cash, because that’s what I would do. (Somebody throws something in the air, it’s fair game, right?) Maybe the line-people are just too drunk to run and clutch. Who knows.

  Flo goes inside and says “hey” to David Guetta, because that’s what everyone should do when they first enter a nightclub. Then Flo gets serious about his singing, and here we go with four hundred people joining him on the dance floor, jumping up and down instead of actually dancing. This always bugs me. It’s a dance floor, not a trampoline. What do these people not understand?

  Oh, and they make sure that Flo is sandwiched in between two supermodels who are barely wearing anything, so we can assume that he is having sex with both of them. Flo keeps grabbing his crotch in case we don’t understand that he is an amazing stud.

  The bouncing continues for a while, inter-cut with what I’m assuming are scenes from the movie “Step Up 3D”. (I haven’t seen the movie, but based on the number of people who are twirling and writhing on the floor, it looks like a lot of people have stupidly stepped on downed power lines and/or not taken their seizure medication. No other discernible plot. I think I’ll just wait for the movie to come out on DVD, and then never buy it.)

  Then they actually do something interesting, which startles me. Several trampy girls come marching across the dance floor, holding aloft champagne bottles that appear to have lit sparklers jammed in their corks. No idea what this means, but it’s pretty. Then we’re back to the bouncing around and I drift off again.

  More scenes from the movie, wherein attractive people are learning how to dance so that they can one day be in a Flo Rida video while David Guetta does something with a turntable.

  Quick shot of a boring woman reading a book in a laundromat. (No idea.) Then some guy with fingerless gloves is practicing to be a mime. More bouncing. Then another quick shot of people standing in what might be a liquor store, and I want to join them with all my heart because I’m going to need a drink after this video.

  Hey, this nightclub must be pretty damn big, because now Flo is standing in the middle of 4 billion people. Everyone has their hands in the air, because apparently no new dance moves have been invented in the last 20 years. This is followed by some rude people crashing through the wall of the liquor store (maybe they need some beef jerky), and some more movie scenes where some chick in a yellow top shows us that she can cartwheel onto the back of this guy. Sweet.

  And more people crashing through walls, this time back at the laundromat. The boring, geeky girl with her stupid book just sits there, mad that somebody got dust on her Harry Potter. Poor thing. No wonder she’s doing laundry by herself when all the cool people are running through the streets with flaming champagne.

  Oh look, the cool kids brought the party to Boring Girl, and now everybody’s riding around in the laundry baskets and having sex in the tumbling dryers. Boring Girl’s life has now changed completely, so in celebration she gets a belly-button piercing, a nose ring AND a tattoo, all at the same time and before the rinse cycle is done.

  And we start jumping around, from the laundromat to the nightclub to possibly a subway car. Everybody’s really happy and bouncing, because Flo Rida’s in da house, and this is apparently on the same level as The Pope showing up to hand out sexual-abuse settlement checks. (And hey, did you know that if you show enough cleavage and can flip your hair to the beat, Flo Popa will spank you on the butt? Cool, huh?)

  More bouncing.

  And now a construction crew is busting some moves on the dance floor. This makes sense, right? (Flo seems to think so, because he’s praising Jesus again.) One of the guys does this thing where he rolls back and balances on his head, and suddenly my college degree is meaningless because I can’t do THAT. Cut to an aerial shot, showing that everybody on the planet is racing to watch Flo and his backup band, The Heavy Days, continue to have a good time with complete strangers.

  Another mime performance, this one from a very angry woman who needs extra straps on her arms to keep them from falling off. Or something. Then we have some group break-dancing where everybody spins on their faces while wearing colorful, matching outfits. (Quick shot of one lone woman, break-dancing by herself off in a corner. It’s probably Boring Girl from the laundromat, killing time while her whites dry.)

  Then Flo Rida bangs on his chest, which signals some unseen person to flood the dance floor with water. A new group of dancers rushes out to stomp around in the water, getting everybody wet. The crowd cheers and claps at this, but you know it’s a lie. In the real world, if some dancing fool splashed water on some diva’s fishnet stockings, there’d be a rumble and two drive-by shootings within 5 minutes.

  And that’s about it. People keep bouncing as the song winds down, and Flo Rida is spraying everyone with shaken champagne, because he couldn’t resist slipping in another reference to his unending and fertile manliness. One of the final shots is of an unexplained person smashing a guitar into the street in front of the club. Because nobody actually plays real instruments anymore. You just kick off a program on your netbook, and suddenly you have a hit single.

  Progress, right?


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