Sunday, July 1, 2012
Flo Rida, Sia - “Wild Ones”
Note: There’s really not much of a story to this one, just some very happy people jumping out of airplanes in Dubai and riding expensive hovercrafts on exclusive beaches. You know, stuff we all do all the time, right? So we’ll do the time-stamp with this one…
0:03 The image of a hotel that I could never afford to visit pops on screen. The beach in front is surprisingly empty, so there may have been an issue with lobster salad on the buffet line.
0:05 People are heading toward a helicopter. Flo probably bought it just because he can.
0:07 Oh, and there’s Flo, strapped in. He seems very pleased to have money.
0:12 And there’s that famous man-made island that looks like a palm tree. Or a really mutated spider, depending on how you turn your head.
0:17 Now people are jumping out of the helicopter. They couldn’t just find an open bar?
0:23 Flo, hurtling downward with a flight buddy glued to his back, is trying very hard to look like he’s having a great time. This is the part where I would be screaming. And I wouldn’t stop for three days.
0:30 The parachutes pop and no one dies. Insurance people at the record company stop holding their breath.
0:33 Flo and a bevy of fly girls are hurtling along in a flyboat through some swampy area. Everyone seems to be having a good time, pumping their fists, except for the one girl who is sitting there quietly and envisioning an alligator snatching away one of her body parts. I think it might be Sia, but things are moving really fast.
0:36 I don’t think anyone anticipated that flock of birds that the flyboat just crashed through, but everyone survives without messing up their hair or makeup.
0:42 Sia and Flo and singing somewhere that requires a helicopter to fly overhead. Or maybe there was a jail break. I understand this happens a lot in countries where it’s too hot to just sit still and think about what you’ve done.
0:43 OMG, there really are alligators up in this grill. Home girl was right to keep an eye out.
0:51 Now we’re in the bar that they should have found in the first place. As usual in such settings, there’s a woman who insists on wearing a hat that is only attractive in her own mind.
0:54 People who couldn’t identify Flo or Sia if their lives depended on it are suddenly partying it up with manic intensity. Alcohol makes everybody best friends.
0:58 Flo waves a bottle of champagne around while Sia looks upset about the rainforest situation. She sure seems to be a moody little duet partner.
1:03 Shot of Flo (I think) sending out a text message that it would make him very happy if we joined him for a party in Miami Beach. I’m guessing my personal invite got lost due to some technical glitch, ‘cause otherwise we tight.
1:08 Shameless product plug for BMW.
1:12 Some guys are playing golf while standing under some really ugly chandeliers.
1:19 Flo is somewhere clutching both a bottle of vodka and a horny admirer. He seems more invested in the vodka. She seems more invested in sliding down his body toward his crotch.
1:20 Is that Debbie Harry and Stevie Wonder?
1:24 Energetic woman shoves her breasts at the camera while her yellow t-shirt groans in structural pain.
1:27 Flo and Friend hop into an ATV, because that’s exactly what you should do after a night on the town.
1:33 That poor woman is still wearing that horrid hat.
1:36 Should we tell that woman she has a liquor bottle lodged in her butt crack? I guess it doesn’t matter.
1:53 And now there’s a glow stick in there as well. What is going on with her?
1:56 The ATV hits something and goes flying through the air. That’s probably not a good sign.
2:01 Flo and a possibly-inebriated male companion perform some synchronized dance steps.
2:06 Sia finally smiles. About time.
2:15 First appearance of the slightly creepy hovercraft thing on the beach. It looks kind of fun to drive. It also looks like something you might see in an Alien movie just before people with lower billing than Signourney Weaver end up dead.
2:22 Aggressive women dance on top of a bar while wearing something only slightly larger than a teabag.
2:32 Back on the flyboat in the swamps, Sia actually stands up and starts shaking her booty. But she is over-shaken by a woman on the left who is gyrating like she just sat on a hot exhaust pipe.
2:36 Flo and friends pretend to be stranded on an abandoned dock in the middle of the water, because it’s always fun to act like you might die in a swamp.
2:39 Sia suddenly decides to ride a polo horse in some unknown location.
2:44 This is apparently all the training you need to learn how to operate a flyboat, because she then drives one to rescue Flo and friends on that questionable dock.
2:48 Welcoming him aboard with a hug, Sia still manages to simultaneously shove her hiney backwards and her transponders forward with eye-opening power. (Notice the girl in the lower right who is simply stunned by this display of obvious skill.)
2:54 Then the two of them drive off and leave the rest of the friends on that stupid dock. What up?
2:59 Oh. Apparently this separation allows Sia to spend some quality time pawing at Flo’s chest. That up. No wonder girl was all pouty before, she wanted her some yum yum from The Rida, she did.
3:05 Back in the nightclub, something explodes behind the bar-top dancers but they don’t even notice.
3:11 Another hotel that I can’t afford.
3:13 Sobriety-challenged bar patron has difficulty getting the champagne anywhere near the glass.
3:21 More bang-bang on the booty boat.
3:26 Audrey Hepburn?
3:29 Bar patron suddenly realizes that maybe the sideways-ballcap thing ain’t all that anymore.
3:32 Sia and Flo, post-lovin’ and satisfied.
3:36 More of the creepy hovercraft. Apparently this thing is a little difficult to control, because you can see in the background that someone is clearly running for his life.
3:47 Last good shot of Sia. And she’s back to her sad place, poor thing. punch
3:50 Hovercraft slides out of view and the video fades…
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