Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj – “Beauty And A Beat”

  We start off with a somber disclaimer that some fool stole some personal video footage of Justin and uploaded it to the Internet, and we’re about to see some of that. I instinctively think “sex tape”, because all savvy pop stars have one of those on backup just in case the record sales drop, but I quickly realize that I don’t want to see Justin or Nicki naked. (He’s far too young to know what he’s doing and she’s already shown us all her intimate merchandise, since she rarely wears much more than some nice jewelry and yet another colorful wig.)

  But the footage turns out to be a random mess of people going cray-cray when they realize a camera is pointing in their direction (just like the trashy folks the news media always manage to find wandering around a murder scene, those bad-teeth people with jacked-up hair hollering “I was just tryin’ to buy me some drugs and there was a drive-by and somebody dead now. I found me some Jesus after that, sure did.”

  We get to see Justin playing ping-pong (or “table tennis” for the annoying politically-correct people in the audience), Justin mugging for the camera, Justin acting like a scratch-DJ in what looks like the basement of a serial killer, Justin mugging for the camera, a very odd scene with people we don’t know throwing food at one another and clearly not having any real goals in life, and Justin mugging for two cameras. At the end of all this, we really haven’t learned much, other than the fact that the person who supposedly stole this footage might not understand the difference between “interesting” and “you will not get any hits on your renegade blog site if you keep posting crap like this”.

  Then the actual song finally starts, and we are treated to a lineup of people who are very enthusiastic about standing next to a short fence whilst wearing bathing attire. Nicki comes on the soundtrack, where she name-checks herself and Justin a few times, then babbles something about money as the jittery camera tries to figure out what person, place or thing it should focus on. The camera finally settles on Justin, which is a good choice considering his people are paying the bills, and he shows us that he can sing and walk backwards at the same time. To show their appreciation for his skill, a throng of scantily-clad females are dancing around him and pretending to be at the peak of their hormonal cycle.

  Eventually, Justin back-walks his way to a nifty little bridge that spans one of the many pools at what appears to be an aquatic nightclub. (This explains the bathing attire, but not much else.) The camera pans to the left, where we get to watch several lovely lasses do some synchronized swimming, proving that Justin has an artistic side. Then we’re back with Justin, as he continues singing while more lasses circle him and just bounce up and down, an activity that passes for “dancing” these days, because people are too busy texting to actually learn any real moves.

  Then we zip over to… I’m not sure. Perhaps this is a training camp for budding Cirque du Soleil performers, but this camp is definitely fodder for some type of “before they were stars” episode on a cable TV channel. These folks are trying really hard, I’ll give them that, and there’s even some minimalist attempts at erotic pole-dancing and two very-dedicated girls who are twirling in mid-air, but I’m thinking their report cards are not going to be very good, even if they are written in French.

  Back to Justin in another part of the water park, one that seems to be owned by the male species, with lots of guys doing strenuous gymnastics, backflips and such, that would probably get a cap in your ass if you pulled that crap in Compton. Then we zip over to a very shallow pool where Justin has decided that this part of the song can only be properly praised with a line dance. He has a mixed crowd for his backup dancers, so he gets points for equal opportunity, but he might have to lose a point for his refusal to do the same dance moves that everybody else is doing. (Look, if people behind you are doing triple backflips, you need to do more than snap your fingers , just sayin’.)

  Now Justin is underwater, warbling to the camera, surrounded by more cheerleaders who have been bussed in from a local pep rally. Then they all break the surface so that four of the more coordinated cheerleaders can join hands and swim around him in a circle, which is rather festive, until Justin isn’t paying attention and backs up into one of the dolphin girls and causes her to break the circle of life. (I’m sure someone from her Union will be speaking to one of Justin’s people.) But for now, everyone is still friends, and the girls throw their legs in the air in a salute to Justin and all things a bit water-logged.

  Whoops, now we’re back underwater, where some unseen people have left behind their cell phones, strategically placed on a convenient ledge so the camera can swim along and focus on them individually. They are all playing videos of Justin, naturally, because it just wouldn’t seem right if they were featuring Dolly Parton or documentaries about poverty and bad choices. Then we head back to the surface again, so Justin can do some more back-walking along a runway over one of the bigger pools, an aggressive maneuver that causes some of the male gymnasts to backflip into the water out of partial fear and partial desire to do something flamboyant and get asked to appear in the sequel.

  Lo and behold, we have a nice surprise at the end of this runway, in the form of Nicki Minaj, who is posing in a nice flamingo-ballerina ensemble. She starts doing her usual sing-rap business, while a bevy of swimmers do something staged in the water behind her. Nicki is sporting what appears to be those pink Sno Ball snack cakes attached to her breasts, just in case we weren’t aware that she had a bosom. Justin rushes up to join her, because what young man doesn’t enjoy eating junk food?

  Nicki raps a bit, with some racy lyrics that surprise absolutely no one. Justin suddenly steps out of view, possibly to accept another lifetime achievement award, leaving Nicki to do some choreography that involves touching her hair and waving her hands like somebody forgot to monitor her sugar intake. Then Justin steps back in and pseudo-humps Nicki from behind while she purrs “yeah” repeatedly.

  Really?

  Now we’re back to that shallow pool with the line dancers, where Justin isn’t doing a whole lot other than hold the camera while the posse behind him is doing calisthenics that would kill most people who don’t have a personal trainer. (There’s one red-headed girl who is so invested in her dance moves that I’m actually a little bit scared of her and what she could probably accomplish with the right weaponry.)

  Oh wait, now Justin is actually doing the same moves. (Perhaps he got my memo?) This is satisfying for about three seconds, and then he resorts to just splashing the camera with chlorinated water. Even the producers are concerned that this might be a little weak, so we cut to more of that supposed “stolen personal footage” that kicked off this festival. It’s more of the same “this is fun but I’m not sure why we’re seeing this” business and, based on what appears to be the alcohol-fueled content of the goings-on, I’m guessing the “thief” must be one of the bartenders. Or the desperate producers.

  Cut to Justin hurtling down one of those giant tube slides, with him giving a thumbs-up and holding the camera, proving that he really can play more than one musical instrument. He splashes into the pool at the bottom, and everyone for miles around erupts into a cheering mass of celebration that he has survived, well, something that everyone else at a water park has survived. I guess it’s more impressive to ride something that gives you a wet wedgie if you have 4 bazillion hits on the Internet.

  Meanwhile, Nicki Minaj’s colorful breasts are available in a snack-vending machine near you. Just insert your coins and press D-2. Don’t expect any change, she doesn’t have time for that…

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David Guetta, Nicki Minaj - “Turn Me On”

  We start out in a creepy laboratory that appears to be in the dungeon of one of those old-timey castles where the peasants are warned to never go near, but they do anyway. Some man is doing something near a really hot furnace, then he shuffles over and starts jacking with this metal contraption that is laid out on a table. Of course, we’re already wondering what in the hell this mess has to do with modern dance music and multiple-personality vocalists, but we’re polite little video viewers and we keep watching.

  We’re guessing the man must be some type of scientist, from back in the day when “science” meant “things you did in a darkened dungeon that were probably illegal and could get you burned at the stake”. Suddenly, one end of this metal thing turns into white lips and starts singing the song as the camera pulls back and we realize the metal in this section has been shaped into something that looks like a human head.

  The creepy factor just hit the ceiling, right? It gets even higher.

  As the camera spins around and gives us artsy shots of the goings on, we watch the man continue tinkering and adjusting, transforming the rest of the metal frame into the rest of a human body. The song continues while the weird white stuff forming the lips starts spreading out and filling in the skull and then the body, all mannequin-like. Then, as a pretty fire burns in a nearby fireplace, the mannequin gets a nice campfire singe and turns into a lovely shade of brown, presumably to match the skin tone of our featured songstress, Miss Nicki. How sweet.

  We get a full-body shot of Plastic Nicki, and I guess it’s not important for her to bother covering up her naughty bits because they aren’t actually real, but she’s a true fashionista so she hops off the table and runs to a convenient makeshift dressing room where she slips into something more comfortable, an ensemble that indicates what Jack the Ripper might have looked like if he had been a drag queen. Then Nicki scampers out of the dungeon without even bothering to thank the man who created her, because kids these days are really rude and unappreciative.

  Nicki wanders into some Ye Olde London cobbled street intersection, where we see some other mannequin people standing around and glaring at her. They still have the really-fake plastic look that Nicki doesn’t have after she changed outfits, so they’re probably mad that she’s prettier and they didn’t get to spend more time in the Easy-Bake oven.

  Nicki doesn’t care, because this is her song and all, so she struts down the street and bellows the vocals, trying to be all sultry in a Victorian Mad Hatter way. She passes by lots and lots of the Plastic People, so it appears that Dungeon Doctor has been really busy with his experiments. (People had a lot more time on their hands before satellite TV was invented.)

  Then we get some from-behind shots of somebody walking along and dragging an axe behind them. This is probably not a good sign, unless you happen to have some trees that need chopping. Some of the other Plastics grab a few torches and suddenly Nicki has a posse following her that is not the kind she would have ordered from the Pop Star Accessories catalog.

  Nicki doesn’t have time to care about that just yet, because we’re at the chorus again and she needs to focus on her craft right at the moment. She belts out the exciting part of the song while trotting down another cobblestone street, a street where people who don’t want to be hacked to death probably shouldn’t go. She’s a brave girl, that Nicki.

  Cut to the pissed-off Plastic People as they angrily bang on a wooden door, demanding entrance. Inside, we see the Creator Man working on another of his inventions while surrounded by even more mannequins. (These giant dolls are actually very pretty, so Nicki isn’t the only one who got the full spa treatment.)

  Suddenly, things become even more confusing as the dolls seem to turn on the doll-maker and either threaten him or yearn to have sex with him, not clear. One of them fiddles with something on the Maker’s back, and then peels off his skin to reveal that the good doctor is a Metal Man as well. He grins as he surveys the bevy of lusty automatons around him.

  Quick shot of Nicki still wandering the streets. Maybe she’s looking for the craft services table. Another quick shot of the horny people in the dungeon preparing for either an orgy or High Mass.

  Back to Nicki, who is now somewhere that happens to be a gathering place for lots of male dolls. (At least I think they’re male, based on their muscular chests. But their crotches, which the cameraman gleefully shows us, do not actually include genitalia. Do these dolls represent the advertisers who still won’t boycott Rush Limbaugh’s show?) I guess Nicki realizes she won’t get any satisfaction up in this grill, so she races outside and jumps on the back of a horse. A girl has her needs, right?

  Nicki rides the horse through town while once again hollering the chorus of the song, her lovely pink hair blowing in the wind. The last shot is of a trio of more Plastic People (the unbaked kind) racing around a corner in slow-motion as they chase-

  And the video ends.

  What the hell?


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Nicki Minaj, Drake - “Moment 4 Life”

Note: This is the “MTV Version”, which I’m going to assume also means the “not so naughty version”, since there are a few bits where some special language is bleeped out. But I really don’t know. What the hell is an MTV version? I thought they stopped showing actual videos on that channel years ago. Anyway…

We start out with Nicki wearing an odd Princess/Tinkerbell outfit, waving about a magic wand that might also be a taser, because there’s some serious magnetic something going on with the end of it. Princess Nicki shoots a wad of firepower at a fancy makeup table, where another Nicki is dressed up as Cleopatra, and causes a glass slipper to appear among the bottles of foundation and glue. Personally, I’m not fond of sparkly footwear suddenly appearing up in my grill.

But Cleopatra Nicki is fine with it, clutching the shoe to her bosom, and then launching into a tribute rap about how she is some intergalactic being sent here to save the planet from something or other. She shoves the shoe on her blue-nylon foot and waits for redemption. This doesn’t immediately happen, so Cleo Nicki raps for a while about her empire and the injustice of having to pay taxes on her record sales.

At one point, Nicki warbles “I sprinkle holy water, upon the vampire.” Who the hell is that? Has she been watching too much Fox News?

Cleo Nicki tries to explain more about her trials and tribulations, but this mostly consists of her comparing herself to Goliath, Donald Trump and Jesus. I don’t learn a whole lot during this bit, and I instead concentrate on trying to figure out which of her many well-documented personalities currently has the steering wheel, because they clearly aren’t using the same GPS as anyone else.

Cleo Nicki finally gets bored at the makeup table, and decides to waltz around her little palace, with the train on her dress long enough that you fully expect the British Royal Family to show up wearing those incredibly ugly hats that they manage to find somewhere. Nicki even gives a “shout out to her haters, sorry that you couldn’t phase me.” Um, okay. Maybe if you took that stick of delusional grandeur out yo butt I just might be able to do the phase thing. Sayin.

And right about now we start seeing our first shots of Drake. He’s wandering around the palace being all cool and stuff, talking on his cell phone and clutching a glass of boom juice. He pauses for a moment on a convenient balcony to watch Nicki do some of her trademark robotic moves, wherein she seems to be demanding that Nordic gods come satisfy her in every way.

And this apparently signals the arrival of a new Nicki, this one with cotton candy hair and an apparent need to showcase her breasts in a dramatic way. She’s standing in some hallway at the palace, which is apparently one of the minor hallways because nobody else is around. Candy Nicki doesn’t care, because she’s there, and the party will always be started no matter where she is.

Now we have a montage of Cleo Nicki and Candy Nicki, both of them flirting with the camera in a manner that causes Drake to realize that his life will never be complete unless he sleeps with at least one of Nicki’s personalities. We get a few shots of him prowling around both Nicki’s and getting heated, but since it’s just not cool for him to be tied to any one woman, he decides to start his own rap.

And he raps for a very long time. There’s some shout-outs to record executives and other rappers, because that’s very important for us to hear in a song, right? And some other mess about the fact that, basically, the world is a better place because he is the new king of the universe. (He even sits in a throne chair, in case we didn’t get his self-love message.) Oh, and there’s a big-ass table loaded down with chocolate-covered nibbles. Because if your narcissism gets to be too much, you can always win the people back with free candy.

Did I mention that he raps for a very long time? Seriously. We get some additional detail that “me and Nicki are gettin’ married today”. Really? Is there a church that can hold both of your posses AND your egos? Drake throws out a line about “everybody dies, but not everybody lives”, with Nicki nodding her head fervently like Moses wrote that down on a stone tablet and a gospel choir confirmed it.

This triggers more shots of Candy Nicki in that hallway where everyone else fears to tread because her couture might cut them. Then we have Drake and Cleo Nicki in front of a fireplace, so we can understand that their loins are on fire for each other. They move in for a kiss, but it doesn’t actually happen, so I’m guessing that somebody has a “no tongue” rider in their contract.

Sudden shot of Tinkerbell Nicki flying around the grounds of the palace. She waves her power wand, showering pink sparks everywhere, which signals the start of some jump-cutting in the video. Candy Nicki is still waving her arms in that desolate hallway. Lots of folks are attending some type of praise ceremony under a handy rotunda. And Drake and Nicki are about to get married.

Oh?

Seems so. While they stand at what might be an altar, fireworks fill the sky and both of them sing about what it means to be hitched to someone who has created an entirely fake personality in order to become a pop star. Apparently Nicki is unable to express her thoughts just by herself, so she enlists the aid of Candy Nicki, Tinkerbell Nicki, Cleo Nicki and a janitor to tell her life-affirming tale of how she only became alive once she entered a recording studio and somebody plugged her in.

It’s very touching.

Once the vows are done, and they once again almost-kiss instead of really doing it (damn those restrictive contracts!) we get more jump-cuts of all the Nicki’s celebrating her world dominance along with Drake’s firm conviction that by simply not shaving he becomes the most irresistible man on the planet. We close with the tossing of a bouquet, more fireworks, and a pre-nup agreement spelling out that neither of them is allowed to have extra-marital sex, unless it will lead to increased record sales or a Grammy.

I think they’ll be very happy together. You?


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Keyshia Cole, Nicki Minaj - “I Ain’t Thru”

  We start off flying over the downtown of some city, while Keyshia is already wailing away about something that’s troubling her. (Quick glimpse of Nicki Minaj, because if that girl is going to be in your video, she fully expects some major screen time.) Cut to Keyshia strutting around on top of a skyscraper. (At least I think it’s her. There’s a tremendous amount of hair and hair product fighting for the camera’s attention.)

  Keyshia waves her hips in just the right manner to cause a fancy car to start driving around on the streets below. It’s a nice car from the looks of it, but I don’t know cars, so it could be anything. We also seem to be having an issue with fog blowing across the set. This might be intentional, but it might be the result of some assistant not bothering to check the weather channel.

  Oh look, now we have shots of some trampy girl with an attitude prancing down a street. I’m not sure who it is, it might be Keyshia, minus all the rooftop hair, but I’m not sure. Whoever she is, she might be a little warm, because she rips off her couture dead-animal coat and tosses it to the side so some homeless person can think he found Jesus. Then Coatless Girl starts busting some moves to show how hawt she be.

  Meanwhile, Keyshia is doing a dance routine in what might be a club or just the “Young and Hip” department at Macy’s, and that fancy car is still driving the streets, searching for some Fly Girls to hop inside and get the party started. I guess the car will have to wait a bit, because Rooftop Keyshia, Unknown Street Walker, and Dance Club Keyshia are still busy finishing up dance steps that somebody got paid to teach them. (Interestingly enough, all this choreography seems to center around the ability to thrust your pelvis whilst looking around to see who is watching you thrust your pelvis.)

  Okay, back to the fancy car, with Keyshia now driving and one of Nicki’s personalities in the passenger seat. Oh wait, now they’re in the dance club, with Keyshia battling to dominate the scene while yet another Nicki personality is doing something to highlight her amazingly straight hair. Quick shot of Unknown Street Walker having some type of issue with her hair on that skanky street she’s walking down because she didn’t pay attention to when Keyshia was picking her up in the fancy car.

  Okay, now Nicki is rapping in the Dance Club, wearing an outfit that can only be described as “RuPaul ain’t ever gonna wear that, sister, so why you frontin’?” (Seriously, what’s up with the window valance as a mini-skirt?) Nicki isn’t bothered a bit, doing her creepy Animatronic Girl routine where she does robot moves and widens her eyes like she just got an enema when she least expected it.

  Back to the car, where Keyshia and Nicki are possibly rapping but might just be suffering really bad gas bubbles from those questionable tacos from “Shorty’s Fold and Stuff”. (To be fair, Keyshia is only adding a few vocal “uh huh’s” to the mess, so this is really Nicki in 4th gear with no emergency brake.) Nicki sure likes saying words like “duck” and “roof”. This probably means something. But not to me.

  Now the fancy car is barreling through a tunnel, which inspires Keyshia and Nicki to flash the Peace Sign. (Okay, I know that gesture is supposed to mean “deuce” in the modern world, but really, it originally meant “peace”. And I like that a lot better than promoting a playing card.) Back to the roof, with Keyshia tromping around in that black raincoat and doing high-kicks while menacing fog billows about and threatens to suck her into a John Carpenter movie.

  Now we’re in the dance club, where we learn that Belvedere vodka can act like a Roman candle if you just let it breathe. Keyshia and Nicki think this is a really plush development, so they wiggle around on the lounge seats and act slightly horny about the fireworks shooting out of the liquor bottle. In fact, they are so inspired by the sight of something spewing that they take to the dance floor, and strike some killer moves that accentuate all of their couture accessories.

  Additionally, this Tribute to the Belvedere Spewing includes some business with needing “elbow room” and the freedom to possibly pursue girl-on-girl touching while the beat pulsates. That’s some really high-quality vodka. Everybody in the club seems to understand the importance of the right to bare arms, and whatever other body parts need emancipation, and there’s a rousing display of unbridled lust and patriotism.

  Now we start jump-cutting around, with Rooftop Keyshia trying to do the diva thing on top of the building, hands out-stretched to indicate that she really believes in her vocals, Streetwalker Whoever kicking it into high gear as she and her spandex flail about like she just got her tax refund, Dance Club Keyshia making it very clear that there is no parking on HER dance floor, and Nicki trying to remember which personality she is supposed to be at this particular moment. I’m going to guess it’s the one who would straddle something that isn’t really hers but pretends like it is.

  And that’s pretty much how we end the video. Everybody’s having a really great time doing pointless things that wouldn’t be so exciting if Mt. Saint Belvedere hadn’t erupted just when it did. Keyshia loves her red jacket and the fact that she has a belly button, Streetwalker couldn’t be more pleased with the opportunity to sashay through the trashy streets of Manhattan, and Nicki has figured out at least 20 new robotic moves that should ensure she gets to guest rap on at least 10 more hit singles…


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Nicki Minaj - “Right Thru Me”

  This one starts out with a very long intro, with Nicki and her current beau returning from what might have been a party, or at least some place that required the beau to wear a tuxedo and Nicki to wear puffy toilet paper instead of an actual blouse. They march into the kitchen, and she’s all fired up about something that Beau did, waving her manicured hands around and repeating phrases because Beau is apparently not listening. He fiddles with something in the fridge instead of validating her in any way, so she breaks a glass to get his attention. Oh boy.

  (Side note: Beau is WAY hot, so he better have done something really major, or Nicki just needs to chill. Unless the police were involved, I’m thinking they just need to work it out.)

  As Beau picks shards of glass out his face, Nicki lets loose with her issues. Apparently Beau has been disrespecting her in some way. We only know this because Nicki bellows “stop disrespecting me!” at least 20 times. Beau has finally either had enough, or he’s concerned that more leaded crystal might be headed his way, and he starts to leave. Sure enough, Nicki smashes another glass. (She might as well keep going, because now the set is ruined anyway.)

  Beau almost makes it to the door, and then Nicki races up to clutch his arm and beg him to stay. (Okay, Ladies, this is NOT how you do it. Let his ass march on out the door and think about things for a while. If he knows that you’re always going to give in, he’s never going to change. Have you not been listening to Tyler Perry?)

  Now that Nicki has changed her attitude and has moved away from other possible projectiles, Beau actually starts to listen. She starts up with that “disrespecting” word again, so she almost loses him once more, but within a bit they are snuggling and loving on one another and we finally get to the song part of the video.

  And I guess they worked it out, because they are lying in bed, post-coital, or at least post-nap. Well, Beau is laying there, snoozing. (I get the impression that Beau probably sleeps a lot. When you’re pretty, you don’t waste a lot of time working or wondering what people think about how you look.) Nicki is sitting beside him, caressing his muscular bicep. Then she lays down beside him.

  And apparently starts having flashbacks to times when she wasn’t yelling so much. We see Beau looking hot in a ballcap, the two of them strolling along a beach at sunset, more hot ballcap, embracing on the beach, ballcap. You get the idea. Back in the bed, Nicki is singing to Beau in between the shots of erotic headgear.

  Then we have Nicki trapped in what might be a giant shower. It’s really not clear what’s going on, but she’s singing behind a glass wall and there’s steam everywhere. She tries to wipe away the steam, but it keeps coming back, which is symbolic of her love for a man that disrespects her. She tries to quit him, but she can’t.

  Some new scenes with Nicki wearing an afghan and giant hoop earrings. She’s just trying to get in her car, but Beau seems to have an issue with that. He’s tugging on her arm and bickering. She’s realizing that it’s hard to yell back when big golden rings are banging against your throat. She manages to make it into the driver’s seat, but then he says something really uncalled for, and she hops back out so he can jump in. Poor thing can’t even drive her own car.

  Meanwhile, Nicki is still wiping away the steam in the mammoth shower room. How her hair isn’t frizzing into an unruly bush, I really don’t know. She must use some really quality hair products. Whoops, we get a full-body shot of Nicki in this room, and she apparently takes her showers while still wearing her underwear. Perhaps someone should speak to her about that. If no one tells you you’re not doing something right, how will you ever learn?

  Shot of Beau standing in some pretty coastal water, with loving droplets splashing up and sizzling on his nipples. Then he’s out of the water, possibly looking for his shirt. Perhaps someone should speak to him about that. If you don’t have anything that needs covering up, why bother?

  Okay, he’s back in the water, with Nicki motioning for him to do something. He looks confused. Then she’s straddling him back on the makeup-sex bed, and they are intertwining hands. (He better watch out for those sharp nails of hers, he could lose a finger.) Wait, now we’re back in that kitchen again, with them wearing the outfits that started this video. Not sure why we’re seeing this again.

  They go through the same fight once more, and I’m not particularly pleased. I like the other scenes better where people aren’t wearing as much clothing. She smashes the two glasses, then does the Sybil flip-flop where she begs him to stay, blah, blah. (Just in case you were wondering about the status of Shower Nicki and Makeup-Sex Nicki during all this, the producers helpfully give us little status updates during the replay of the glass-smashing. Shower Nicki is still dealing with that steam, and Makeup-Sex Nicki is still straddling Beau and singing like her life depended on it.)

  Okay, things are looking up. They finish with the kitchen-fest, and we start seeing shots of Beau dripping wet, somewhere. This can only be a good thing. Oh, he’s in the shower. That’s a good choice. But he’s wearing underwear, which harshes the buzz a little bit. (Why do these people around here bathe without taking off their undergarments? Are they Catholic?)

  Quick shot of Nicki sitting on the floor of her closet, her face full of anguish and dismay. I’m guessing that she can’t figure out which shoes to wear in the next scene.

  Now we roll into a montage of Beau in the shower, Nicki in the Shower without a Door, both of them on the beach at sunset, and Beau giving Nicki a piggyback ride because she must have gotten tired wearing all that jewelry on the beach and trying to walk at the same time.

  Suddenly, Shower Nicki yells “Stop!” several times. I realize it’s part of the song, but it’s still startling considering my naughty thoughts about how Beau really needs to join my gym. Then she starts back in with the singing, so I guess I’m safe.

  At 4:34 in the video, Beau decides to baptize Nicki in the River Michael Jordan. I’m not really going to argue with that, because it never hurts to bring people closer to Jesus. He can get you into all the best clubs.

  But I guess the baptism didn’t take, because by 4:51 in the video, Shower Nicki is shoving her butt against the glass. I really don’t think the church elders would be in support of this activity. They frown on wetness against clear partitions. Or any wetness, for that matter.

  We have a quick montage at the end to catch us up on what all the Nicki’s have been doing, then we freeze-frame on Shower Nicki still trapped behind the glass.

  I sure hope she gets out someday.

  But until she does, I’ll take care of Beau for her. Don’t worry, girl. I got it.


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will.i.am, Nicki Minaj - “Check It Out”

  Editor’s Note: This is another one of those videos where there’s so much going on that you can’t really tie a story to it, so we’ll just hit the highlights. Oh, and this is the unedited video, so there’s a bit of language. Not that you should be surprised by that if you clicked on this link…

0:03  Some announcer guy is really stoked about what might  be in a locked pink box. Or by what his assistant is carrying. Or something.

0:09  Long shot showing that we’re in a very minimalist studio, where the color black is a key theme.

0:12  An army of young Yoko Ono drag queens is in the audience. They like to sit very still.

0:17  The assistant hits a button on a boom box and we start hearing a sample of Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Start”.

0:18  The drag queens are not impressed.

0:28  Oh look, there are some guys that like to sit very still, too. This is a well-behaved audience. Yay!

0:30  Nicki makes her debut. Something really tragic has happened to her hat, but that’s okay, because her fingernails look great.

0:34  Nicki might be having an issue with a gas bubble.

0:41  Nicki’s vocals prove that she knows some racy words.

0:45  will.i.am shows up.

0:46  Now there are two will.i.am’s, standing on each side of Nicki, probably so they can help her keep that hat on.

0:54  will.i.am is making it clear that he doesn’t like something.

0:56  Nicki confesses to a drinking problem.

1:01  will.i.am introduces some friends of his who are dancing like they are trapped in “The Matrix”, and they are able to replicate themselves while they boogie. That’s a very nice skill to have.

1:05  The Yoko Ono’s show their appreciation for the dancers by crossing their legs all at the same time.

1:10  Now we have two Nicki’s. Is there a cloning lab in the back room?

1:13  Nicki doesn’t know what to do about the bad economy.

1:17  The Yoko Ono’s all turn and look at us. It’s very creepy, and I wish they wouldn’t do that.

1:28  Nicki decides that she needs to call a taxi.

1:33  will.i.am thinks the back of his head is very special.

1:38  will.i.am approves of something that we don’t know about.

1:45  Nicki is surprised that the hat is still on her head.

1:49  The Duelling Nicki’s pay tribute to the dancing in the “Thriller” video.

1:58  will.i.am proves that he does indeed have actual eyes under those shades.

2:04  The two Nicki’s start wearing an outfit that can’t possibly be comfortable. They try to figure out how to move around while wearing molten plastic.

2:12  will.i.am has a water bottle on his head. I’m not sure that he’s aware of this.

2:13  Nicki asks Jesus if Pizza Hut showed up yet.

2:17  The Yoko Ono’s look the other way. Good.

2:30  will.i.am uses a phrase that you will never hear on “Dora the Explorer”.

2:32  People start dancing on both the floor and the ceiling, so we can probably blame Lionel Richie for that.

2:39  Nicki has an issue with what the sun may or may not have done-done this morning. I hope she works it out.

2:46  We now have 4 will.i.am’s. If this keeps going, we might have to redraw the voting districts.

2:54  Now people we don’t even know are getting cloned. But at least they have rhythm.

3:00  Nicki still needs that taxi, people. Help her out.

3:07  Did will.i.am get to close to a nuclear reactor? He really should be more careful.

3:11  The Yoko Ono’s seem very interested in will.i.am’s new appearance. Perhaps they really like people who glow in the dark and can be used to recharge their cell phones.

3:12  will.i.am seems to be trapped between two giant speakers. He tries to escape by dancing.

3:21  Nicki is stuck on the ceiling again. Maybe she’ll have better luck getting a taxi up there.

3:34  “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

3:37  Dandruff?

3:44  The Nicki’s have given up on the taxi, and both of them are trying to hitch-hike.

3:52  Nicki’s necklace has come alive and is trying to eat her head.

3:54  Oh wait, she’s fine.

4:06  The guys in the audience still haven’t moved. They must have stayed out too late last night at the Unisex Bar.

4:07  Okay, they just moved, in that creepy way the Yoko Ono’s did, staring right at us. Did I mention that I don’t care for that? Stop it.

4:13  Nicki does an interpretive dance explaining the history of panty liners.

4:15  In response, the Yoko Ono’s uncross their legs. They have all the protection they need, thank you very much.

4:18  Two of the will.i.am’s and two of the Nicki’s await the arrival of the mothership.

4:22  The Yoko Ono’s clap, apparently being very familiar with spacecraft, intergalactic travel, and matching uniforms.

4:24  will.i.am types on an invisible keyboard, probably reserving his seat at the next American Music Awards, because you know he’s going to be there.

4:27  Nicki prepares to throw a football, because somebody needs to do so if the Dallas Cowboys are ever going to win a game again.

Fade to black.

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Trey Songz, Nicki Minaj - “Bottoms Up”

  We start out with Trey walking into some skanky place that is apparently a Dominatrix Training Camp, with women wearing tight outfits and flipping their hair around. Trey checks his reflection out in a mirrored wall, thinkin’ he's all that with his shades, but really, Usher has done this 4 billion times in other videos, and done it a whole lot better. Just sayin.

  There seems to be some kind of power situation, with weak strobe lights flickering and buzzing. (You’d think that pop stars would be able to pay the electric bill, but some people never learn.) Then the music starts, and it basically all goes to hell. First we have various shots of Trey apparently trying to lead a gospel choir that doesn’t exist, waving his arms about like he knows what he’s doing, but that doesn’t get anywhere. So somebody cues some hookers to start striking slutty poses in the background while Trey tries to look all street.

  Trey sashays around the dimly lit room while those energetic hookers perform choreography that even Paula Abdul wouldn’t take credit for. (It appears that Trey likes to do weird little movements with his neck while pawing himself in his crotch region. My guess is that Trey grew up on a farm where nobody explained to him that he’s not a chicken nor does his tackle even begin to compare to Throb the Wonderbull.)

  But hey, those hooker girls really know how to whip their hair around and wave their booties in the air. They be jammin’ with they bad selves. We then get several shots of Trey primping around with his little designer suit, but with people screaming “Bottoms Up!” on the soundtrack, ain’t nobody diggin’ his threads. All eyes are on the silhouetted hookers as they show us how their very talented boobies can shimmy to the beat.

  We focus for a bit on Trey as he bellows some lyrics, but the only words that stick in my mind is him hollering “as we go alcohol insane”. Go? I’m thinking they’ve already been there and back. Some producer must have figured out that the gyrating fly girls in the background are taking over this show, so he instructs the cameraman to start dicking with the shots, making Trey appear more impressive than he really is.

  So we start seeing Trey alone on another part of the soundstage, where he’s making shadow figures on the wall. Not really sure what that’s supposed to prove, but at least we can see him a little better. This doesn’t last very long, however, and soon we’re back to the wildly horny backup dancers touching every part of their body that they can reach. (I didn’t know this until now, but it seems that if you pull on your hair in an anguished manner it apparently drives you into even more of a sexual frenzy. I’ll have to try that some time.)

  Trey does some more of the chicken-neck thing while the girls in the background do some squat thrusts. As if their intentions were not clear enough, the girls then spread their legs really wide so we can confirm that they don’t have a penis. Thank you for that. I was SO confused up until this point.

  I guess Trey gets bored with the quartet of horny streetwalkers behind him, so he wanders off to another room where… I’m really not sure what’s going on. We can vaguely see a new woman doing something minimally erotic with some gymnastic rings, but it looks like the more important feature of this new room is that there’s a comfy chair in the middle of it which comes with its own bottle of hooch. Trey immediately makes himself at home in this chair and swigs from the bottle. Priorities, right?

  The free beverage causes Trey to bellow more crap about “alcohol hero”. Nice. Let’s teach the youth of today that nothing can be finer than to be inebriated and treat women like disposable possessions that can be left in another part of the soundstage when you get bored. (On the flip side, skanky dancers in the background, you feel good about leaving a legacy to your sisters that you gotta hump set props in order to be important? Geez.)

  Eventually, Trey wanders into some nightclub scene where (big surprise) more trashy women are cavorting around and begging to be mounted. Trey grabs one of them by the hair and slams her head into his chest, because that’s really erotic. He then picks up his bottle of hooch and staggers around trying to decide which tramp will get his affections for the evening. (Or at least for the next 15 minutes.)

  Suddenly, we start seeing another hoochy in a blond wig, her breasts cinched into a corset so tight that I’m surprised she can get any oxygen. She starts rapping about “salt around the rim”, so I’m guessing this is Nicki Minaj. (I don’t think it really matters who she is. Trey certainly doesn’t care.) Nicki goes on for a while, but any vocal stylings she might have are lost in the fact that she waves her booty more than anybody so far in the video.)

  What is wrong with people? Is this really considered entertainment? It’s certainly not progress of any kind.

  And Nicki keeps going, with the producers jacking with her scenes, speeding up the video so that she appears to be a psychotic harpy of some kind. And Nicki actually grunts “I’m really such a lady.” Oh, no, honey, you’re not. “Lady” is not a term that will ever be applied to you, not with your cootchie humping the camera lens.

  Trey just keeps drinking in the chair in the middle of the room. I keep drinking because at some point this madness has got to end.

  But Nicki’s not done. She fiddles with the gymnastic rings, and then compares herself to Anna Nicole Smith.

  What in gay hell? Why would she go there?

  And maybe Nicki had a game-plan in mind, trying to prove some kind of point, but she just comes across as completely out of her mind. I don’t see any hint of salvation in this whole mess.

  Back to Trey wandering around the sex room and sampling the wares. Apparently there isn’t a single female on the planet that doesn’t desperately want to have his baby. One of the more pushy sluts rips Trey’s shirt off, so that we can see he has lots of tattoos, in case you weren’t impressed with just his misogyny and objectifying of women. (Nicki keeps waving her fanny off in the corner, doing her inept part for equal sleaze rights.)

  Trey struts around the room, apparently believing that his chauvinism will be forgiven since we can now see his nipples. (That sound you hear is the NOW organization speed-dialing legislators.) The strumpets continue to gyrate. Trey continues to drink and paw at his female toys as the song fades out.

  Excuse me, I’ve got to go make my eyes stop bleeding…


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