Friday, May 18, 2012

David Guetta, Nicki Minaj - “Turn Me On”

  We start out in a creepy laboratory that appears to be in the dungeon of one of those old-timey castles where the peasants are warned to never go near, but they do anyway. Some man is doing something near a really hot furnace, then he shuffles over and starts jacking with this metal contraption that is laid out on a table. Of course, we’re already wondering what in the hell this mess has to do with modern dance music and multiple-personality vocalists, but we’re polite little video viewers and we keep watching.

  We’re guessing the man must be some type of scientist, from back in the day when “science” meant “things you did in a darkened dungeon that were probably illegal and could get you burned at the stake”. Suddenly, one end of this metal thing turns into white lips and starts singing the song as the camera pulls back and we realize the metal in this section has been shaped into something that looks like a human head.

  The creepy factor just hit the ceiling, right? It gets even higher.

  As the camera spins around and gives us artsy shots of the goings on, we watch the man continue tinkering and adjusting, transforming the rest of the metal frame into the rest of a human body. The song continues while the weird white stuff forming the lips starts spreading out and filling in the skull and then the body, all mannequin-like. Then, as a pretty fire burns in a nearby fireplace, the mannequin gets a nice campfire singe and turns into a lovely shade of brown, presumably to match the skin tone of our featured songstress, Miss Nicki. How sweet.

  We get a full-body shot of Plastic Nicki, and I guess it’s not important for her to bother covering up her naughty bits because they aren’t actually real, but she’s a true fashionista so she hops off the table and runs to a convenient makeshift dressing room where she slips into something more comfortable, an ensemble that indicates what Jack the Ripper might have looked like if he had been a drag queen. Then Nicki scampers out of the dungeon without even bothering to thank the man who created her, because kids these days are really rude and unappreciative.

  Nicki wanders into some Ye Olde London cobbled street intersection, where we see some other mannequin people standing around and glaring at her. They still have the really-fake plastic look that Nicki doesn’t have after she changed outfits, so they’re probably mad that she’s prettier and they didn’t get to spend more time in the Easy-Bake oven.

  Nicki doesn’t care, because this is her song and all, so she struts down the street and bellows the vocals, trying to be all sultry in a Victorian Mad Hatter way. She passes by lots and lots of the Plastic People, so it appears that Dungeon Doctor has been really busy with his experiments. (People had a lot more time on their hands before satellite TV was invented.)

  Then we get some from-behind shots of somebody walking along and dragging an axe behind them. This is probably not a good sign, unless you happen to have some trees that need chopping. Some of the other Plastics grab a few torches and suddenly Nicki has a posse following her that is not the kind she would have ordered from the Pop Star Accessories catalog.

  Nicki doesn’t have time to care about that just yet, because we’re at the chorus again and she needs to focus on her craft right at the moment. She belts out the exciting part of the song while trotting down another cobblestone street, a street where people who don’t want to be hacked to death probably shouldn’t go. She’s a brave girl, that Nicki.

  Cut to the pissed-off Plastic People as they angrily bang on a wooden door, demanding entrance. Inside, we see the Creator Man working on another of his inventions while surrounded by even more mannequins. (These giant dolls are actually very pretty, so Nicki isn’t the only one who got the full spa treatment.)

  Suddenly, things become even more confusing as the dolls seem to turn on the doll-maker and either threaten him or yearn to have sex with him, not clear. One of them fiddles with something on the Maker’s back, and then peels off his skin to reveal that the good doctor is a Metal Man as well. He grins as he surveys the bevy of lusty automatons around him.

  Quick shot of Nicki still wandering the streets. Maybe she’s looking for the craft services table. Another quick shot of the horny people in the dungeon preparing for either an orgy or High Mass.

  Back to Nicki, who is now somewhere that happens to be a gathering place for lots of male dolls. (At least I think they’re male, based on their muscular chests. But their crotches, which the cameraman gleefully shows us, do not actually include genitalia. Do these dolls represent the advertisers who still won’t boycott Rush Limbaugh’s show?) I guess Nicki realizes she won’t get any satisfaction up in this grill, so she races outside and jumps on the back of a horse. A girl has her needs, right?

  Nicki rides the horse through town while once again hollering the chorus of the song, her lovely pink hair blowing in the wind. The last shot is of a trio of more Plastic People (the unbaked kind) racing around a corner in slow-motion as they chase-

  And the video ends.

  What the hell?

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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